On Sunday, I turned on Netflix and was shocked to see that George Romero’s latest zombie film “Survival of The Dead”, had gone up on their instant streaming service the day earlier.
“Holy Shit”, my sexy, succulent, EXTREMELY kissable mouth uttered…. “I’ve been dying to see this movie all summer!”
Of COURSE I was dying to see it, as you may have gleaned from reading this site, I’m slightly obsessed with all things zombie.
(Side note: see what I did just now? “Dying” to see it? “Dying”???? Ya get it? Zombie? Dying? Holy Shit I’m witty. How the fuck did I just come up with that? Believe it or not, it didn’t take me all day. What’s that? You DIDN’T think that was particularly witty? Screw you!)
Anyway, where was I?
Well, as soon as I saw that it was available to watch, I quickly shoved Friz and Mini-Me off to a nice dinner with her family, and proceeded to take off my pants and relax on the couch to a relaxing 90 minutes of zombie mayhem.
What’s that? Why did I take off my pants? Oh, right! Like YOU guys don’t watch zombie movies completely naked, either?
I keep getting side-tracked here by talking about myself. How does this always happen to me?
Anywhoo, let me cut to the chase and say that my extreme glee that washed over me when I saw that I could watch this movie, turned into extreme self-loathing a mere 90 minutes later, when I came to the conclusion that this just might be the worst fucking movie I have ever seen in my life.
I REALLY intended to do a REAL review here, but I honestly just can’t bring myself to relive the horror I sat through on Sunday afternoon.
Let me at least give you a quick synopsis.
Off the coast of Delaware, there is a small island that is home to two feuding Irish farming families.
I know, I know. I could write my fucking doctorate on trying to explain that sentence alone. Two Irish speaking families, living off the coast of the United States. It made ZERO fucking sense, and the movie never even attempted to ever explain it. I’ve since went on the web and read forums where people discuss this movie, and apparently the entire zombie-loving community is collectively scratching their head at this ridiculous plot line.
Anyway, like I said, there are two feuding families, kinda like the Hatfield’s and McCoy’s. The movie begins a few weeks after the zombie outbreak, and it centers around one family, the O’Flynns, who think that all zombies should be eradicated, and the other family, the Muldoons, who think that all zombies should be corralled up and contained until a cure is found.
Well, as you might imagine when you put ANY two Irishmen together, before long harsh words are spoken, which quickly leads to excessive gunfire.
That’s really all I can bare to talk about as far as this movie is concerned. It was just horrendous. The movie was HORRIBLY acted, and not ONE character was the least bit likeable. I wanted to see them all die, and die painfully.
Nothing ANYONE did in the movie made the LEAST lick of sense. Sometimes, characters would just start acting in a way that was the exact opposite of their character up to that point, with no explanation. For instance, near the end of the film, the zombie-caring Muldoons start indiscriminately taking zombies out of their makeshift stables, and shooting them in the head. Wait, didn’t they just base their existence on keeping zombies alive till there was a cure? Maybe I fucking daydreamed that while I was waiting for this movie to get good.
Anyway, I’ll close with this. I LOVE zombie movies. I loves em! Romero’s original Dawn of the Dead still stands as my favorite horror movie of all time. I saw the original Day of the Dead in the damn theatre on opening night, for God’s sake!
I’ll watch ANY movie where something is moving around that should have STOPPED moving around a long time ago, but I just couldn’t watch this.
FOR ALL THAT’S HOLY, THEY HAD A ZOMBIE RIDING A HORSE!! REALLY! IT WAS RIDING A HORSE AND JUMPED OVER HURDLES AND EVERYTHING!!! YAAAARRRRGGG!!!!!
I can’t talk about this anymore. I think I need to see my therapist.
Now that I’m finally done watching Angel, I am finally finding myself able to start tackling all of the cool movies that I added all summer long to my Netflix queue.
The first one I watched was last year’s sci-fi/horror movie, Pandorum.
Holy Crap On A Cracker was that movie awesome!!!!!
Pandorum, starring Dennis Quaid and Ben Foster, was one of the coolest movies I’ve seen in a long time.
It’s basically a cross between 28 Days Later and Aliens.
I just made a mess in my pants just TYPING that sentence.
Anyway, its a few hundred years in the future, and mankind’s over-banging has made the world dangerously overpopulated. The world’s scientists begin to desperately look to find a new habitable world. When they finally DO, the world comes together to construct a huge spaceship, capable of holding thousands of people specializing in the skills needed to keep a society thriving, and launches it into space.
Since the new world is light years away, the entire population on the ship are all put into hypersleep.
That’s where the story starts.
Awakening from hypersleep, Sgt. Bower (played by Foster), realizes that he is suffering from amnesia. He knows WHO he is, but not why he’s there. Even worse, after inspecting where he is, he comes to realize that not only is he the ONLY person who has awakened, but the ship looks like it has been through a warzone, and its systems are failing.
Lt. Payton (Quaid) quickly wakes up as well, and the two begin to try to piece together just what the hell happened to their ship.
From there, things get creepy. REALLY creepy. And scary. That’s all I’ll say about the plot.
I WILL also add that I thought this film was as much a horror movie, as it was a GOOD science fiction film. The twist ending especially brought things back to a good sci-fi feel.
Ben Foster, who I have had a bit of a man-crush on since his kick-ass performance in Alpha Dog, was awesome in this movie. Dennis Quaid was competent, as always.
And Antje Traue, who played the resourceful Nadia, was someone who I really wanted to bang.
Anyway, if you don’t remember this movie being in the theaters last September, don’t feel too bad. I didn’t either. This movie completely TANKED at the box office, despite really good reviews. From what I can see, it seems to have lost about $20 million in its short, few week run.
Which is a real shame. This movie was plotted out to be a trilogy, but with its poor box office, there’s little chance of that ever happening, and I would LOVE to have seen where this movie went in the next installment.
So, that’s my pitch. Go rent this today (or catch it on Starz… it’s playing this month).
Who knows? If enough people keep talking it up, maybe we’ll see a Pandorum 2 after all.
I haven’t been able to actually “See” Slydesblog.com from here at work for about 2 months now, and it’s really pissing me off.
As some of you might remember, I’ve mentioned before about how the company I work for puts an UNBELEIVABLE amount of security on our computers here.
It’s really ridiculous. I can BARELY get out to the internet. 99% of the time I attempt to get to a website, I get a warning message telling me the web site has been filtered. The few times I CAN get to a webpage, half of it doesn’t load properly because all of this wonky security software we run here filters out bits and pieces that it deems inappropriate.
I’ve dealt with it for a few years now, and every few months, they install a new thing-a-majig to make my web-browsing ordeals even MORE excruciating.
So, it came as little surprise to me when, on August 2nd, trying to access my site from here at work started producing the all-too-descriptive error message “dns_unresolved_hostname”. I figured that my lovely company’s uber-geek squad just upped the ante on their war against allowing me to fuck around here at work, and started filtering sites even more stringently. This notion was reinforced for me when I was able to still access my site with NO issues while at home.
So, I figured it was just my job screwing with me, until I got an email from one of you fine folks telling me that they too could no longer access my site.
Then I got another email.
Since I’m ALL looks and NO brains, I really didn’t put 2 and 2 together until Bruce emailed me last week, and told me that he too can no longer get to my site when he’s at work, BUT he can get here without issue from home.
I’ll give anyone out there (if ANYONE’S still out there at this point) a big wet french kiss to the first person who guesses what Bruce told me when I asked him what error message he gets when he tries to get here from his work computer.
That’s right… dns_unresolved_hostname.
Upon further probing, (No, not THAT kind of probing. He’s not my type. Get your mind out of the gutter!) he told me that HIS company also uses web security software (although a different brand than mine).
So, it would appear that for some reason, some security programs out there are suddenly not seeing slydesblog correctly.
Anyone geeky enough out there to tell me how the fuck I go about fixing this?
At this point, I have no idea what to do. I spoke to my domain registering company, and they told me that they had no idea, but thought it could be a google issue.
Gee, that was helpful.
I am officially out of ideas. I’m looking to you guys for assistance. Please help me to once again allow you all to fuck around on company time.
As you might have noticed, I no longer have any Google ads displayed on the blog anymore.
What, you might ask, prompted me to take such a dramatic shift in my outlook on web advertising?
Perhaps I was thinking about you all, my loyal readers, who I decided were just too damn good and wholesome for the kind of advertising that was popping up on here…..
Or perhaps, I decided to just stop bending over for The Man and bring this blog back to its humble, non-corporate-sponsored beginnings.
Or maybe, they dropped me.
Ok, it’s that last one.
How did this happen, you might ask?
Let’s tell a story…….
Once upon a time, about a year ago, a young handsome INSANELY HOT prince decided to make some side money on his blog, and put up some advertising by making a deal with the evil, King Google. Oh yeah, King Google was fat and impotent, too.
Anyway, after agreeing to the deal, the Hot Prince was dismayed to discover that he would not get paid out when his account accrued every 10 dollars, as he had initially thought. No, through dubious advertising and legal-speak, he learned that he would only get paid out every 100 dollars. Clearly, the Hot Prince wasn’t going to get his first payment for a LOOOONG time, as most weeks he seemed to earn only a few cents. Sometimes, he would earn a buck here or there, but it certainly wasn’t the norm.
Until 2 weeks ago, when, much to his glee, he discovered that he earned about 10 dollars in 1 week!
Now, suddenly VERY interested in his daily stats, he began checking his earnings every day. To his surprise, his earnings seemed to more than double each day! 5 dollars on Monday, $12 on Tuesday, 25 on Wednesday! It was like a dream come true. In the space of a week, the Hot Prince had accrued almost $99 dollars worth of earnings. Before the week was out, he was going to be paid for all his hard work! Things were certainly beginning to look up for the Hot Prince’s blogging career.
That is, until the next day, when the flaccid King Google sent the Hot Prince a message, saying that they found his reported web clicks to be FRAUDULENT and that his account was to be suspended immediately!
“There HAD to be some mistake!”, thought the Hot Prince (who was hung like a horse, by the way… have I mentioned that yet?). So he quickly took quill to parchment and wrote King Google a letter showing his displeasure at this decision, and asking for some kind of explanation.
For TWO weeks the Hot Prince waited for his reply, and when one finally DID come from King Google, the Hot Prince was disgusted to find that all he received was a form letter saying that they are sticking with their decision, with STILL with no explanation about this alleged “Fraudulent” activity.
At this point, the Hot Prince became enraged. After all, he had been hawking ads on his site for 9 months now, in good faith that at some point he would be compensated for his efforts. To pull them now, when it finally appeared that he would get his due, seems quite shifty and it’s FUCKING BULLSHIT!
Anyway, the Hot Prince is going to try one last appeal to get my (er, I mean HIS) money, but he is not the least bit hopeful.
Have any other Princes or Princesses out there had any similar tales about advertising through King Google?
Because right about now I’m mad enough to punch them in their virtual nutsack.
Last night, I finally finished watching the entire 5 seasons of Angel .
Overall, I have to give the series a big thumbs up.
Mind you, it did have its share of misfires. But in the end, I have to say that the “good” far outweighed the “bad”, to make an enjoyable summer’s viewing.
Even though the series has been cancelled for 5 years now, I still don’t want to give away TOO many spoilers, but I WILL try to give my brief thoughts on each season.
Be warned, however: If you don’t want ANY spoilers, best stop reading now.
At the start of the show, we find Angel, now living in Los Angeles, meeting up Cordilia, who has also escaped from Sunnydale. Along with their new friend Doyle, they start up a detective agency to “Help the Helpless”.
I found this start-up season pretty uneven. For every good episode, there was an equally dopey one to go along with it. After Doyle’s surprising death halfway through the season, I DID find that the show really started to find its footing, particularly when Wesley joined the cast.
Season 2 finds the crew abandoning their office as their base of operations, and moving into the old run-down Hyperion hotel.
I thought that for the most part, this season was about as hit-or-miss as the first, but the inclusion of the Darla storyline really started to get the show grounded and provide a good, ongoing story. Plus, Julie Benz is one hot bitch.
I would rate this season higher, if it were not for the abysmally stupid finale, which sent the group embarrassing themselves in the demon-world of Pylea. I could barely sit through those final episodes.
I felt that this was where the show really started to hit its stride. It is also, not surprisingly, where the show went from mostly campy, to very, very dark. The Connor storyline, that dealt with Angel’s child being kidnapped, and Wesley betraying the team, really surprised me with how good it was.
It was during this season that I REALLY started to see just how amazing an actor Alexis Denisof is. He really blew me away with some of his more dramatic moments. He was hands-down the star of this show for me, and in my opinion has proven to have more talent than the rest of the cast combined.
This season was probably my favorite, and one reason why was the OUTSTANDING finale, which found Connor, thinking his father killed Holtz, putting Angel in a coffin and burying him at sea.
The show picked right up from where it left off, with Wesley saving Angel and the group beginning to put themselves back together again. I thought this season was stellar, as well. Between Cordelia turning evil, Connor’s angst, and Jasmine the goddess trying to convert the world, I found this season to be great fun.
I’ve heard a lot of praise about season 5, but except for some shining exceptions, I just didn’t see it.
Angel and his posse take over the evil law office of Wolfram and Hart, and try to use its power for good. I LOVE the concept, but I just felt that it was executed sloppily. Perhaps it’s because that the show was unexpectedly announced as cancelled early in the season, forcing Joss Whedan to go into hyper drive in an attempt to finish the story before the year ended, but the stories just seemed hastily executed to me. I guess my biggest problem with most of it was that many major plot points were just not explained all that well. They routinely mentioned things that had barely been touched upon. I kept going back through my Netflix queue to make sure I hadn’t skipped over an episode.
That said, I thought that the Illiria storyline was excellent, and I found the final episode, to be every bit as dark, depressing, and just plain AWESOME that I had heard it was.
So, that’s it. I’m glad I finally watched it, completing my immersion with anything having to do with Joss Whedan, who, while I wouldn’t go gay for, I just might give him a slap on the ass to show him my appreciation.
As you might remember, this summer I vowed to get through both Angel, and The Wire, in its entirety. The Wire is taking me slightly longer than expected, but I’m almost done with season 4 and moving along nicely. The show is the shit! I’ll report on that one when I’m done.
So, I figured there was no better way to celebrate Labor Day this weekend than to take my sexy ass to go see Machete.
You all know about Machete, right?
Actually, most of you probably DON’T know about Machete.
I mean, sure, it’s a major motion picture and all, but it’s not like the film has gotten a whole hell of a lot of press.
Anyhoo, for those that don’t know, Machete spawned from one of the fake movie trailers that appear throughout the movie Grindhouse. Director Robert Rodriguez always loved the concept, and even though the fake trailer was meant to be over-the-top ridiculous, soon after Grindhouse, Rodriguez began the process of making it into a real movie.
If you saw Grindhouse, then you know that Machete tells the story of a Mexican Federale (played by Danny Trejo, who Rodrigues ALWAYS includes in his films), who gets set up for murdering a senator, and while posing as a day laborer, begins to enact his bloody, limb-hacking revenge.
The movie just didn’t do it for me.
I admit that I loved the Machete Trailer in Grindhouse. Most everyone who saw it did as well. The problem is that while all the over-the-top, cartoonish violence made for an entertaining 2 minutes of a trailer, it becomes a bit of a bore when stretched to 90 minutes.
And that, in a nutshell, is my problem with Robert Rodriguez in general. While I enjoy most of his movies well enough to keep seeing them, he just isn’t schooled enough as a writer to carry the chores of writing a film all by himself. Watching his films always seem to me to be like what a film would look like if you gave a 14 year old a movie studio…… films filled with all action scenes that the young’un THOUGHT would look cool, but in the end he didn’t have the skill set to really pull it off.
I think that’s the reason that his most successful films are the Spy Kids movies…. His kind of silly comedy and action suits itself to a kids movie, but never seems to transfer itself as well to an adult feature.
Mind you, he HAS made some decent films. Desperado still stands as one of my favorite movies of the 90’s. That movie just oooooozed ‘cool’.
Hell, I wanted to bang Antonio Banderas for a month after I saw that movie in the theatre.
Earl, on the other hand, who saw it with me, wanted to bang ME.
Unfortunately for him, that’s never gonna happen. I have standards, ya know….
I think my dentist tried to get me to do something bad yesterday.
And no, I’m not talking about the time that my dental hygienist attempted to rape me in the dental chair when we were alone in the office one Saturday (did I ever tell that story?).
No, that’s not what I’m talking about here. And I wouldn’t be up for that, anyway. My new dentist doesn’t look like the one in the banner picture. For one thing, she weighs about 200 pounds more than the girl above. And, she’s a guy.
Either one of those things is a real turn off for me.
What was I talking about again?
Oh yeah. So, I’m at the dentist yesterday, getting my teeth molded for a bite plate that I need to start wearing at night so I stop grinding my teeth (Of course, if people would just stop swinging my kitchen faucet back and forth like they’re sawing a redwood, I probably would stop grinding my fucking teeth at night).
Anyway, this stupid thing is going to cost me a boatload of cash, and I’m not happy about it. On the way out of the office, my dentist stopped me and said, “Hey, don’t you work for XXXXX?”. For those that don’t know, I work for an HMO and no, it’s not really called XXXXX (I think they TRIED to name it that, but someone in the porn industry beat them to it).
“Yup”, I said, not sure where this was going. A lot of my doctors ask me to talk to someone in the claims department, to help them get paid quicker. Hell, if I had THAT kind of pull here, I’d use it to get MY fucking claims paid quicker.
“You know”, he continued, “If you could help promote me over there, I could make it worth your while. REALLY worth your while”.
Then he walked off to deal with his next patient.
I have to admit, I’m stumped. I really have no clue what he would like me to do for him.
Mind you, I’m not above bending the system to get myself a free bite plate. On the contrary, I can most definitely be bought off. Hell, if I can make this happen.......BITE PLATES FOR EVERYBODY! I’m Buying!
I’m just not sure what he wants me to do.
Maybe I should go to work wearing a big sandwich board with his picture on it?
Too overt? Maybe.
Or perhaps I can just throw in a good word about him around the office whenever I can.
“Hey Slyde, how is that enrollment project going?”
“Not bad, Bob, but it would go a HELL of a lot better if more people’s teeth were cleaned by Dr. Potbelly! My GOD he's one HELL of a dentist!”
Anyway, I’m a lover, not a businessman. If anyone can tell me what you think he wants me to do for him, I’m all ears.
And if I DO turn him down, I have to do it in a way that doesn’t offend him.
The LAST fucking thing I want after my next visit is to come out of my novacane to see him quickly buttoning up his pants, and him telling me that I “really need to rinse”.