Friday, August 20, 2010

Something Stinks Around Here

I think my neighborhood has been transported to some weird, Bizarro universe where nearly everyone has forgotten how to act like a normal human being.

On Tuesday, while we were still recovering from last Sunday’s Brewhaha, my OTHER neighbor across the street from me (basically the only other person I like) came over to me and relayed this story:

Monday night, at about 12:30AM, she was awakened by a loud crash coming from her driveway.
After getting out of bed, she looked out her window, and didn’t see anything at all out of the ordinary. She was just about to go back to bed, when she saw a kid, no more than 12, pop his head up from near the curb in front of her house.

Thinking the kid was up to no good, she rushed to the front door, opened it, and yelled at the kid to kindly tell her what the fuck he was doing on their property. She said the kid looked up, panic-stricken and embarrassed, and told her that he was sorry, but he just fallen off of his bike in front of their house.

First off, the kid looked 12. What parent in their right mind would let their 12 year-old out at midnight, alone? I don’t even let my kid go to the bathroom without holding my hand. And THAT’S in our own house! What kind of asshat sends their kid off in the middle of the night and just hopes that they come home ok?

Second, the thing just smelled a little fishy to my neighbor, but the kid really DID look embarrassed, and really, what was she supposed to do? She asked him if he was alright, and if he needed any help, and if he wanted her to call his parents. The boy whimpered a “No, thank you”, hopped on his bike, and peddled off into the night.

My neighbor, thinking the whole thing odd, but wanting to actually get some sleep at least ONE night this damned week, finally dismissed it and went off to bed.

Cut to the next morning when she, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, left her house at 8:00AM to go to work.

As she approached her car, she made a gruesome discovery.

Can you guess what she found? As if the banner picture wasn’t enough of a gimme….

That’s right, ladies and gents….. displayed proudly on her driveway was a big steaming pile of poo.

I can only guess that the kid, upon having some emergency intestinal distress, realized he could not make it home in time without taking care of his problem, and dropped anchor in the first place he saw.

But really? IN HER FUCKING DRIVEWAY! Are you kidding me? Were all the nearby bushes and shrubs taken by OTHER people shitting in the street? I find it kind of hard to believe that this little shit (Ha HA! See what I did there?) couldn’t find a better spot if he absolutely HAD TO GO, than the middle of my neighbor’s driveway.

The entire time she was telling me this story, 2 things kept running through my mind.

This story is going to make me vomit....

and more importantly,

Thank GOD that he didn’t do it in MY fucking driveway.


The Invisible Seductress said...

And I thought MY neighborhood was crappy!!!

Slyde said...

crappy! LOL! i get it!

You are the shit!

YEE-HAW! I cant stop myself!

sybil law said...

That kid did it on a freaking dare, or something. No way was it some sort of emergency. Had she been more awake, she'd probably have seen one of his friends hiding.
Your blog's really turning to shit, Slyde. Fecal matter all up in this here blog.
I give up.

Verdant Earl said...

You sure it was human poo and not just some doggie doodoo? I think a taste test is in order. Get ta lickin'!

Slyde said...

sybil: i thought about that too, but she doesnt think so, and im trusting her on this one.

earl: taste test verified! it was human all right (and he had corn!)

Marlene said...

OMG!! I totally forgot what I was gonna say after I read B.E. Earl's comment!!!! ROFL and peein' my pants here!!!!

Anonymous said...

yeah, your neighbourhood sounds interesting. lol

okay I was gunna say your neighbourhood is the shit... but like.... you kinda said it already.

PS i've been trying to get onto your site for some time and other than today and it's been an rss feed or it reroutes me to another site?

Heff said...

The NERVE of some people. I always shit under my neighbor's TREE.

Chris H said...

Little shit indeed! Maybe he likes driveways, or maybe he didn't like that particular neighbour and was doing it deliberatly!

meleah rebeccah said...

Oh no!! I cant believe he pooped on her driveway! That's terrible.

Poor kid probably couldn't make it home on time. I feel bad for him. Obviously his parents dont give a crap about him letting him out on his bike alone at midnight. WTF.

SK Waller said...

I'm with Sybil Law. There was another kid somewhere.

Kimberly said...

Nice neighborhood...realy nice.

Brown said...

Sounds like the neighborhood is going to...ah, never mind. What I do want to know, is how you kept a straight face while she told you this story. I would have laughed so hard I probably would have sh.....well, you know.

Cocaine Princess said...

I'm speechless.

Faiqa said...

Did you consider that maybe the kid is a vampire and the human feces belonged to the person he was feeding off of? Or was just a cover story?

Dude. You got vampires in your neighborhood. That is SO cool.