I wanted to fucking KILL my neighbor this weekend.
There are only really 2 neighbors on my block that we are friendly with. The rest of them fall somewhere between the categories of ‘cool indifference’ to ‘big pricks who I want to run over with my lawnmower when I see them’. The people whose backyard is opposite mine have always been in the former category.
Until Sunday night.
It all started innocently enough. Last Wednesday, while I was in the backyard playing Hide and Seek with Mini-Me (p.s, have you ever played hide and seek with 2 people? It sucks!), my neighbor, who has lived next to me for about 5 years now, and who I have probably said about a dozen words to in that time, popped his head over the fence and told me that he was having a party on Sunday. He was real vague about it, but I’m pretty sure he asked me to stop by. While it was a nice gesture, I thought it was a tad strange since I don’t even know the guy’s name. I had no real intention of stopping by, however. You may have noticed that I’m not much of a ‘people’ person when it comes to strangers.
Anyway, as Sunday rolled around, I periodically looked outside to see if the party had started yet. As the day wore on, I had yet to see ANYONE at the party, even though their backyard was clearly decorated in ‘party-mode’.
2 P.M..… 5 P.M…..7 P.M. Every time I looked outside, more out of curiosity than anything, I didn’t see ANYONE there yet. I finally figured that since the weather wasn’t all that great, they must have cancelled it.
I couldn’t have been more wrong.
At 8 P.M., I started to hear music, LOUD music, starting up in my neighbor’s backyard. When I looked outside, I saw at least 100 people in their backyard. Did I mention that the music was fucking LOUD? I mean, it was literally rattling my windows. I couldn’t even hear my damn television.
Now I was starting to get concerned. It was SUNDAY NIGHT, for crying out loud! You know… the day BEFORE most of the normal world has to get up early and begin their work week. How late did they intend for this party to go?
Later than I could fucking imagine.
I was getting madder and madder, and by 10 P.M. when I went to put Mini-Me to bed and the party was still in full force, I was ready to walk next door with a steel pipe and get Medieval on their asses.
I managed to keep my cool until 11 P.M., which is when I WANTED to get to bed. With the house still shaking to the sounds of some of the WORST fucking music I have ever heard, I was done. I mean DONE!
I told Friz, who had been trying to calm me down all night, that she could choose….. either I went over there and punched someone in the fucking throat, or I call the cops…. She could choose. Friz, always trying to be the good neighbor, begged me to just let it slide this one time. She didn’t want to start a war over this one incident.
Of course, SHE has this week off from work, so what the fuck did SHE care what time the party went on until?
Nonetheless, being the good husband that I am, I TRIED to go to sleep with the bed almost moving around the room to the beat.
One of my OTHER neighbors who apparently must not be as pussy-whipped as I am, must have decided that THEY had finally had enough. Sometime after 1 A.M, the music abruptly stopped.
I woke up yesterday morning, groggy, grumpy, and royally pissed off. I now KNOW that the only reason Mr. Shithead invited me was because they KNEW they were going to be assholes long into the night, and he wanted to try to avoid just this scenario.
Tell me… who the Hell would do something like this to their neighbors without prior cause. I mean seriously, would you EVER be so disrespectful to your neighbors on a work night?
I wouldn’t have pulled that shit on my neighbors in a million years.
Contrary to what some people might have you believe, I’m really NOT that big of an asshole.