Tuesday, August 17, 2010

My Neighbor Sucks

I wanted to fucking KILL my neighbor this weekend.

There are only really 2 neighbors on my block that we are friendly with. The rest of them fall somewhere between the categories of ‘cool indifference’ to ‘big pricks who I want to run over with my lawnmower when I see them’. The people whose backyard is opposite mine have always been in the former category.

Until Sunday night.

It all started innocently enough. Last Wednesday, while I was in the backyard playing Hide and Seek with Mini-Me (p.s, have you ever played hide and seek with 2 people? It sucks!), my neighbor, who has lived next to me for about 5 years now, and who I have probably said about a dozen words to in that time, popped his head over the fence and told me that he was having a party on Sunday. He was real vague about it, but I’m pretty sure he asked me to stop by. While it was a nice gesture, I thought it was a tad strange since I don’t even know the guy’s name. I had no real intention of stopping by, however. You may have noticed that I’m not much of a ‘people’ person when it comes to strangers.

Anyway, as Sunday rolled around, I periodically looked outside to see if the party had started yet. As the day wore on, I had yet to see ANYONE at the party, even though their backyard was clearly decorated in ‘party-mode’.

2 P.M..… 5 P.M…..7 P.M. Every time I looked outside, more out of curiosity than anything, I didn’t see ANYONE there yet. I finally figured that since the weather wasn’t all that great, they must have cancelled it.

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

At 8 P.M., I started to hear music, LOUD music, starting up in my neighbor’s backyard. When I looked outside, I saw at least 100 people in their backyard. Did I mention that the music was fucking LOUD? I mean, it was literally rattling my windows. I couldn’t even hear my damn television.

Now I was starting to get concerned. It was SUNDAY NIGHT, for crying out loud! You know… the day BEFORE most of the normal world has to get up early and begin their work week. How late did they intend for this party to go?

Later than I could fucking imagine.

I was getting madder and madder, and by 10 P.M. when I went to put Mini-Me to bed and the party was still in full force, I was ready to walk next door with a steel pipe and get Medieval on their asses.

I managed to keep my cool until 11 P.M., which is when I WANTED to get to bed. With the house still shaking to the sounds of some of the WORST fucking music I have ever heard, I was done. I mean DONE!

I told Friz, who had been trying to calm me down all night, that she could choose….. either I went over there and punched someone in the fucking throat, or I call the cops…. She could choose. Friz, always trying to be the good neighbor, begged me to just let it slide this one time. She didn’t want to start a war over this one incident.

Of course, SHE has this week off from work, so what the fuck did SHE care what time the party went on until?

Nonetheless, being the good husband that I am, I TRIED to go to sleep with the bed almost moving around the room to the beat.

One of my OTHER neighbors who apparently must not be as pussy-whipped as I am, must have decided that THEY had finally had enough. Sometime after 1 A.M, the music abruptly stopped.

I woke up yesterday morning, groggy, grumpy, and royally pissed off. I now KNOW that the only reason Mr. Shithead invited me was because they KNEW they were going to be assholes long into the night, and he wanted to try to avoid just this scenario.

Tell me… who the Hell would do something like this to their neighbors without prior cause. I mean seriously, would you EVER be so disrespectful to your neighbors on a work night?

I wouldn’t have pulled that shit on my neighbors in a million years.

Contrary to what some people might have you believe, I’m really NOT that big of an asshole.

I’ll admit that it’s close, though.


Verdant Earl said...

Your neighbor may suck, but the word around town is that you swallow.

See what I did there?

Nat said...

How inconsiderate!
My neighbour is really peeing me off at the moment too....he's doing major renovations that involve thumping and drilling (and his tuneless singing) all day long while I'm trying to work in my home office.

Anonymous said...

@Earl - you crack me up; I need to start reading your blog again!

@Slyde - a few years ago, we had a party, as well. We invited our neighbors (the ones we like), but they declined, as they would be out of town, arriving back the next day. It was a Sat. nite. At 9:40pm, their daughter came by and asked us to turn the music down (which certainly wasn't even CLOSE to window-rattling) b/c her window was on that side of the house, and she had to get up at 7am to pick up her parents.

We did it; and apparently, she told her parents what she did, when they got back. The dad apologized profusely for his daughter's "idiotic behavior" and the wife baked us a cake :)

Slyde said...

earl: you are an angry little elf...

nat: yup, shitty neighbors live everywhere, unfortunatly...

chris: don't eff earl on. he's not funny and his blog sucks...

sybil law said...

I hate to say it, but it sounds like my kind of party. Minus the shitty music, that is. I'd have climbed the fence and skinny dipped in your pool, though, too. :)

Shania said...

Living in the woods has it's benefits. I like it a little more every time I read a story like this. The bears get a little pushy sometimes though.

Janine / Being Brazen said...

I would have been SO annoyed too

Candy's daily Dandy said...


I would have went all Rambo on his ass, but that's just me.

Dr Zibbs said...

HAha. Medieveal on their asses!

And Bwahahahaha at Earl's comment.

Marlene said...

Next time he plans a party, go find yourself a skunk. Trap it (humanely, of course). Let it loose in his yard full of party-goers right about the time the music starts up. Guaranteed to break up a party! I'm evil. Yes.

meleah rebeccah said...

Dood, that's sooo wrong. Having a party with all that noise until 1am on a Sunday = justifiable homicide!

Suzi Q said...

That would drive me crazy! We have neighbours accross the back alley who's teenage children have awful garage band night every Sunday night. Awful, like really bad Guitar Hero but on real instruments. B-R-U-T-A-L! Off beat, can't hold a tune, same songs on repeat and they never get any better.

The best is when the homely, greasy, teenage groupie girls show up and hoot and holler like these guys are even close to good.

Cocaine Princess said...

I do believe {and I could be wrong} I've never seen you use the "F" word so many times in one post!

P.S. The way you categorized your neighbors: that cracked me up.

Tamara said...

Not acceptable on a Sunday. I would have called the cops. But then again, most of my neighbours are geriatric pensioners, so I can't see any of them ever hosting a wild party.

Heff said...

L.M.A.O. @ Earl !!!

Chris H said...

I think he wasn't inviting you to come to that party, we was WARNING you about it!
I reckon you should rig up a stereo with all the speakers on your back fence facing his house and blast the shit outta him at 11 pm on a Thursday night.
Devine justice.

Chris H said...

*sigh* but two wrongs don't make a right eh?

Nej said...

Damn Slyde...I can't get to your blog from work. I can read it on my reader, but I can't comment. It's killing me! So, I logged on to my computer at home (something I never do, since I spend all day on one at work). I just wanted to let you know that I wasn't ignoring your sexy self. I'm reading, I'm lurking...but I'm unable to comment. (p.s. I've posted at least two pairs of new shoes, without comment...I'm bummed!) :-)