Wednesday, July 21, 2010

I Will NEVER Drink Again!

I mean it this time.


If you’ve been wondering where I’ve been the last few days…… guess what? That makes 2 of us.

Saturday night, about 20 of us went out to a local waterfront restaurant, The Riverview, for what was SUPPOSED to be a nice night of dinner and dancing to celebrate my good friend Jessica’s 40th birthday.

Things started off innocently enough. I had a half dozen oysters and some crab encrusted Mahi Mahi. It was delicious. Of course, it was ALSO the only thing I had eaten all day. That would be important later.

I had a few beers with my dinner. Not many. Maybe 3 or 4. I’m not a big drinker, as a rule. At least not anymore. And definitely not like SOME people I know. But I can handle my beer. Dinner was not the problem.

The problem was that after we finished dinner, we all moved into the bar/club area where I decided I should upgrade to Tequila.

I really don’t know what the Hell got into me. Because I fucking HATE Tequila. Things never end well with me and Tequila. In fact, the last time I got drunk on Tequila I ended up chasing Earl for about 20 blocks down a residential neighborhood. That’s a story for another time.

In THIS story, I continued to do Tequila shots with anyone who would do one with me. And I was really feeling pretty good. Not feeling the side effects at all. So I did some more. And then some more.

I had about a dozen under my belt when I stumbled out onto the boardwalk for some fresh air where I found one of my pals who asked if I cared to partake in the smoking of some wacky weed. Not wanting to be rude, I partook (I did a LOT of partooking).

Then back inside the bar I scampered, now feeling absolutely no pain, where I apparently decided that the best thing to do after getting stoned out of your mind is to follow it up with more Tequila shots.

That’s pretty much where the night ended for me. At least, what I can remember of it. Everything else from the night is just a series of jumbled snapshots in my head.

What I DO remember:

1) A drunk girl hit on me on the dance floor. I ran up to Friz and said “Did you see that? She wants me! I’m gonna go for it!”. Friz told me that, in my current state, if I could somehow manage to make that happen, she would gladly drive me and my new friend home so I could seal the deal. I don’t remember getting any (from ANYBODY), so I guess I somehow fucked that one up.

2) One of my friends told me he knew a “guy” who could get us shrooms, so I ordered him to call the guy, thinking he would deliver them like Dominoes. That never happened, either.

3) I remember opening my eyes to find that I was being driven home. I also remember beginning to rapid-fire vomit all over my shirt, while Friz somewhere in the distance was screaming, “Not in the car, you jackass! Lean out the window!”

4) I remember somehow being in my house, stripping naked except for my shoes, and crawling on all fours until I got to our 2nd floor stairs. I remember starting to climb them, and falling asleep completely diagonally on the stairs.

5) Friz must have pulled me up the stairs, because the next thing I remember was waking up on the 2nd floor hallway about 6 hours later. I had a pillow and a blanket over me, and a substance that looked remarkably like oysters in a bucket to my right. They didn’t look that appetizing anymore.

Anyway, I crawled (literally) to my bed, and I stayed there till about 3pm Sunday. At which time I made the Herculean effort of walking to the couch, laying down, and watching Netflix until 10pm when I went back to bed.

Not one of my proudest moments, I’ll admit, but at least I gave my posse something to talk about for the next millennia or so. For those of you fortunate enough to be my Facebook friend, those pictures of me that people have been putting up are, unfortunately for me, 100 percent authentic.

There is also video, but I’ll fucking KILL the scallywag who’s got the stones to attempt to throw THAT shit up on the interwebs.


sybil law said...

Been there, done that...
In fact, I plan to do some of that this weekend.
Well, not the puking.
Now I am going to go see those pictures on FB.

(Oh, and IF you smoke, NEVER smoke after drinking. That's the rule.)

Anonymous said...

wow what a party! Sounds awesome still.

But we all say that we won't drink like that again... till the next Thursday. LOL.

Anonymous said...

wow what a party! Sounds awesome still.

But we all say that we won't drink like that again... till the next Thursday. LOL.

Verdant Earl said...


I'd forgotten about the mad 20-block dash we had that one time, but I think it was the two of us chasing someone else (Kevin?) for some reason. A water balloon or super soaker may have been involved.

Slyde said...

sybil: ah yes, but have you ever been in a shopping cart?

paula: others have told me the same thing. i am standing firm on this one.

earl: you may be right. maybe i WAS chasing kevin. I was fucking chasing SOMEONE! ALL i know is that we polished off a bottle that day between the 2 of us, and nubs spike your head with a volleyball.

Heff said...

"PUSSY !", lol !!

Nej said...

Mmmmmmmmmm....tequila!!! My favorite!!!! :-)

We really must become facebook friends!!! I'm itching to see this pics. :-)

Slyde said...

heff: i knew this post would draw your ire....

nej: sounds good to me! drop me an email.....

Brittany said...


Sounds like you and I both were on the shot-wagon this weekend!

Only i'm 23, and I was up and at em' by noon. With cute cuddles in the morning :)

I take shots like a G'! :)

I don't know if you can hang :)))


ohh and POOR FRITZ!

Jill said...

Well that's because beer then liquor, never sicker!!!! Right? You should'a just had the tequila FIRST! :-) Liquor than beer, never fear, after all. :-) ;-) :-)

Slyde said...

brit: did you just call me old? you're lucky i dont put you over my knee and spank you!

jill: i know i know.. i broke the cardinal rule...

Mrs. Hall said...

seriously, I would have beat you like a red headed step child if you would've puked in my care.


and that was really funny, Friz saying "if you can seal the deal go for it". That woman of yours is awesome!



no need to swear off drinking. just don't drink like an idiot. the joy of being buzzed is being able to appreciate the subtlies of drunk. being shitfaced is just bad form.

best luck with the next drinking binge. may it be fun and joyous. and there be no oyster puke buckets involved.

meleah rebeccah said...

Tequila is the devil in liquid form!

Slyde said...

holly: care, or car?

meleah: true dat.

Bruce Johnson said...

It takes a real man to fess up to this, sort of like Letterman fessing up on national TV before the tabloids got a hold of I have to go trool Facebook and look for the pictures.

The Invisible Seductress said...

I would have held your hair back and wiped your forehead with a cold cloth before laughing at you the next day. I wanna be your FB friend too.....dammit....I really do!!

Evil Twin's Wife said...

I wanna be your FB friend, too! :-) Sounds like a stellar weekend. BTDT.

Kat said...

ahahaha!!! I can relate to waaaay too much of that story. First of all my husband and tequila have about the same relationship as yourself. Secondly, you will drink again. And what is with wanting hallucinogens when you're f@$%'d up??? One New Years Eve I drank waaaaay too much and then took acid at 1AM. Ya. Not a wise choice. And lastly I remember a friend of mine spending an entire evening passed out on several sets of stairs. Awesome.Thanks for the trip!

AlleyCat Runs said...

Hope the headache has subsided!!!!! Tequila is EVIL! EEEEVIL!!!!!!!!!!

Marlene said...

Honestly, I would have been in that kind of shape after the 3 or 4 beers. :) (Cheap drunk, I am.)

Lifeofkaylen said...

Ha -fun times. I remember doing this when I was 17 too.
Oh, wait...I don't think you are 17. Weird.

It really sounds like a great time was had. Not so much by you. Or the girl who liked you on the dance floor. Or the poor guy who had to babysit your pukey, naked, sleepy ass all night. But for others, I bet it was fun!!

badgerdaddy said...

Sounds to me like you had a dodgy oyster. Upset your stomach.

SK Waller said...

I want to see the pictures, damn it!

GeologyJoe said...

man. i wanna party with you.

Slyde said...

bruce: thats me.. a real man.

invis: lets make it happen. shoot me an email!

evil: ditto for you!

kat: i've never done acid. i honestly dont know if i'd ever try it.

alley: yup, its FINALLY subsided... took 3 days, really

Slyde said...

marlene: there is NOTHING wrong with being a cheap date!

kaylen: i probably WAS 17 the last time i did something like this..

badger: yaknow, i thought about that. it might not have helped...

steph: arent we FB friends? im pretty sure we are.

Geo: anytime!

2abes said...

I haven't been that poluted in 20 sucks when your so wasted that you don't even care that your puking all over yourself. At least you didn't have to sleep on the front lawn. Thats were I spent my nights when I was to wrecked to figure out how to get the key in the door lock.

Real Live Lesbian said...

HOW are we not facebook friends???? Next time you're in Nashville...I'll buy the first round of tequila!

Kat said...

I never found it much different than shrooms and I only took either a handful of times, all of which were nearly 2 decades ago. Holy crap I'm getting old.

Cocaine Princess said...

Oh my God that was so funny especially your "what I do remember list."

I did tequila shots on my 21st birthday. I spent the entire evening vomiting in the bathroom and was so sick all night that I wasn't able to cut my cake/ blow my candles until the next day.

Hope you're feeling better.

Chris H said...

YOUO? Never drink again? Crap 'n' arseholes. You will.

Heff said...

Damn, dude. You may wanna re-title this one "I'll never POST again".

Everything aight ?

Heff said...

Damn, dude. You may wanna re-title this one "I'll never POST again".

Everything aight ?

meleah rebeccah said...

PS: tequila is the reason I have a tattoo on my rear! Nuff said!

Michelle said...

That is fucking hilarious.