Most people as attractive as I am are usually too self-obsessed to bother giving something back to others less fortunate.
Not me. I am as selfless as I am beautiful.
One of the ways I go about giving something back to the little people is that I regularly donate blood.
I’ve been donating every few months for about 10 years now, and I must REALLY be something special because there have been a few times where they have really fucked me up while I was donating and yet I keep coming back to donate more.
One time, the nurse accidently punched the needle THROUGH my vein, so my arm had internal bleeding. After 2 days, my arm was a wonderful shade of Rigor-Mortus-Black. That was sexy.
Then, about a year ago, the nurse missed my vein and hit one of my nerves. The pain shot right up my arm. To this day, I STILL can’t completely feel a part of my thumb.
This last time, however, they REALLY outdid themselves.
I think they almost killed me.
I had thought it was going to be a normal blood-letting session when I went last week, but much to my surprise they asked me if I wanted to donate using the Alyx machine this time.
Do you guys know what that is? Probably not, since it’s still kinda new. In a nutshell, the Alyx machine takes DOUBLE the amount of blood from you, but while you are donating, it separates your red blood cells from your plasma, and it re-injects the plasma, along with some saline, back into you at the same time. It’s a huge help to the hospitals, but many people don’t like to do it because giving that much can sometimes really put a hurting on people. Plus, the re-injection part can tend to hurt a little.
But like I said, I’m a super-humanitarian, so I went for it.
Once they strapped me in, I noticed that the machine had 3 bags attached to it. It was explained to me that Bag # 1 would start collecting my blood. Every once in a while, the Alyx machine would start to separate my red blood cells from the blood, putting it in Bag # 2. While the machine was doing that, Bag # 3, which was full of saline, would start getting mixed with my plasma, and start getting injected back into my hunky body. It then repeats this whole sequence 4 times, until it has taken 2 pints of blood.
Anyway, everything STARTED OFF pretty well. I saw Bag # 1 start to fill up with my sexy blood. A few minutes later, I felt my arm start to tingle as the saline was being injected into me.
This was pretty easy, I thought. Onto the 2nd sequence!
This is when things started to go off the rails.
It all started off normal enough. I saw more blood being drawn into Bag # 1, but I DIDN’T feel anything being injected back into me.
After a few minutes, the nurse, also sensing something was not going right, walked over to me.
While she was checking me out, the machine apparently decided that it was time to fuck with me. Suddenly, a loud alarm started buzzing, and warning lights started strobe-lighting all over the place!
The room looked like one of those movies where the nuclear reactor is about to blow.
It’s definitely NOT the kind of thing you want to happen to a machine that is currently sucking blood out of you.
Anyway, the nurses came running over, and none of them could figure out what was going on.
After a frantic minute, one of them yells, “I don’t know what’s happening! Go get Margaret, our supervisor! She’ll know what to do!”
So, I sat there as I was being de-sanguinated while someone ran off to fetch Margaret.
She ran in, and started quickly punching buttons on the Alyx machine.
Then she looked up and said:
“It says it’s an Error Code 7320. I’ve never heard of an Error Code 7320! Does anyone know what that is?”
All of the other nurses shook their head.
“Ok, someone get me the manual!”
Are you fucking kidding me?
I’m sitting there spouting blood from my arm like old faithful, and they wanted to brush up on some light reading? I could not fucking BELIEVE what I was hearing!
Anyway, someone brought over a big dusty binder, and the nurses frantically leafed through it.
Much to NO ONE’S surprise, Error Code 7320 was not IN THE FUCKING MANUAL!
While Nurse Ratchet decided to have a quick pow-wow with her staff about what the fuck to do, I began to notice something odd about the Bag # 3. The one with the saline.
It was starting to become cloudy. Pinkish, actually.
That’s when I realized that the bags were starting to back up, and now my blood was flooding into the Saline bag!
It was at that point that we finally all agreed that I had done MORE than my part for charity, and they finally just disconnected me from the machine.
Now my arm looks like I’m coming down from a 2 year heroin habit.
I think it’s time for me to come up with a new charitable endeavor.