Tuesday, May 04, 2010

I’m A Giver…

Most people as attractive as I am are usually too self-obsessed to bother giving something back to others less fortunate.

Not me. I am as selfless as I am beautiful.

One of the ways I go about giving something back to the little people is that I regularly donate blood.

I’ve been donating every few months for about 10 years now, and I must REALLY be something special because there have been a few times where they have really fucked me up while I was donating and yet I keep coming back to donate more.

One time, the nurse accidently punched the needle THROUGH my vein, so my arm had internal bleeding. After 2 days, my arm was a wonderful shade of Rigor-Mortus-Black. That was sexy.

Then, about a year ago, the nurse missed my vein and hit one of my nerves. The pain shot right up my arm. To this day, I STILL can’t completely feel a part of my thumb.

This last time, however, they REALLY outdid themselves.

I think they almost killed me.


I had thought it was going to be a normal blood-letting session when I went last week, but much to my surprise they asked me if I wanted to donate using the Alyx machine this time.

Do you guys know what that is? Probably not, since it’s still kinda new. In a nutshell, the Alyx machine takes DOUBLE the amount of blood from you, but while you are donating, it separates your red blood cells from your plasma, and it re-injects the plasma, along with some saline, back into you at the same time. It’s a huge help to the hospitals, but many people don’t like to do it because giving that much can sometimes really put a hurting on people. Plus, the re-injection part can tend to hurt a little.

But like I said, I’m a super-humanitarian, so I went for it.

Once they strapped me in, I noticed that the machine had 3 bags attached to it. It was explained to me that Bag # 1 would start collecting my blood. Every once in a while, the Alyx machine would start to separate my red blood cells from the blood, putting it in Bag # 2. While the machine was doing that, Bag # 3, which was full of saline, would start getting mixed with my plasma, and start getting injected back into my hunky body. It then repeats this whole sequence 4 times, until it has taken 2 pints of blood.

Make sense?

Anyway, everything STARTED OFF pretty well. I saw Bag # 1 start to fill up with my sexy blood. A few minutes later, I felt my arm start to tingle as the saline was being injected into me.

This was pretty easy, I thought. Onto the 2nd sequence!

This is when things started to go off the rails.

It all started off normal enough. I saw more blood being drawn into Bag # 1, but I DIDN’T feel anything being injected back into me.

After a few minutes, the nurse, also sensing something was not going right, walked over to me.

While she was checking me out, the machine apparently decided that it was time to fuck with me. Suddenly, a loud alarm started buzzing, and warning lights started strobe-lighting all over the place!

The room looked like one of those movies where the nuclear reactor is about to blow.

It’s definitely NOT the kind of thing you want to happen to a machine that is currently sucking blood out of you.

Anyway, the nurses came running over, and none of them could figure out what was going on.

After a frantic minute, one of them yells, “I don’t know what’s happening! Go get Margaret, our supervisor! She’ll know what to do!”

So, I sat there as I was being de-sanguinated while someone ran off to fetch Margaret.

She ran in, and started quickly punching buttons on the Alyx machine.

Then she looked up and said:

“It says it’s an Error Code 7320. I’ve never heard of an Error Code 7320! Does anyone know what that is?”

All of the other nurses shook their head.

“Ok, someone get me the manual!”

Are you fucking kidding me?

I’m sitting there spouting blood from my arm like old faithful, and they wanted to brush up on some light reading? I could not fucking BELIEVE what I was hearing!

Anyway, someone brought over a big dusty binder, and the nurses frantically leafed through it.

Much to NO ONE’S surprise, Error Code 7320 was not IN THE FUCKING MANUAL!

While Nurse Ratchet decided to have a quick pow-wow with her staff about what the fuck to do, I began to notice something odd about the Bag # 3. The one with the saline.

It was starting to become cloudy. Pinkish, actually.

That’s when I realized that the bags were starting to back up, and now my blood was flooding into the Saline bag!

It was at that point that we finally all agreed that I had done MORE than my part for charity, and they finally just disconnected me from the machine.

Now my arm looks like I’m coming down from a 2 year heroin habit.

I think it’s time for me to come up with a new charitable endeavor.

Maybe I’ll become a sperm donor.


Verdant Earl said...

How about becoming a brain donor?

You're obviously not using that organ properly.

sybil law said...

Holy shit!
That would be the last time I donated blood. GAH!
I can't donate, though. I'm underweight (always have been) and they never let me.
Thank God!

Slyde said...

earl: i hate you

Sybil: I hate Earl. Pass it on.

2abes said...

any excuse to mention sperm...does nurse ratchet help there too

Anonymous said...

I got nauseous just reading that.

You've just convinced me to never give blood.

And, certainly, to never give blood through a MACHINE!

Slyde said...

Chris: The sad thing is i'll try it again next time. I'm just too damn giving.

mo.stoneskin said...

Are you serious? It churned out an error code?

Unbelievable. That's why I don't give blood. I'll donate my organs, and even my thumb to you if you can't cope without that feeling, but there's no way I'm going to plug myself into one of those things.

I suspect it was a Windows Update that messed up one of the drivers.

Nat said...

This just put me off donating blood for life!!!

You're a brave and giving man, Slyde to have gone through all that and still have the strength to write about it! ;-)

Heff said...

They have a machine called "Sharon" for sperm donation. BEWARE !!!

Mrs. Hall said...

awesome story!

error code! tee hee hee!

glad you're still around to tell the story.

um. just an FYI, to be sperm donor you need to obstain from all sex. even self induced sex. seriously. it's a pain in the butt.



Brittany said...

holy moly! This story gave me the heebeegeebees! I would have probably fainted!

GiGi said...

Wow..that sounds really effin' unpleasant!

Shania said...

The sperm donation part sounds like a good alternative. Although I would be a bit cautious if they want to attach any machinery.

Faiqa said...

Good story, I would have enjoyed it a lot more if I weren't in a blind rage of jealousy over the fact that you got to use the word de-sanguinated. In context.

Kirsty said...

Haha, wow you certainly are a giver! That's never happened to me, thankfully. Though I hear you on the nerve thing. I had to get a shot in the posterior once and the nurse hit a vein (I mean, how many veins are really in your ass??). Permanent desensitization of about an inch squared. I'll go no further.

Bruce Johnson said...

I think this is called masochism.....were you actually enjoy the pain....might also explain your fascination with the 'horror' genre.

Before you take up sperm donating, you had think long and hard about how a cow milking machine might malfunction as well.

i am the diva said...

holy crap!
that sounds terrifying...

stick with sperm donation, at least that's fun.

Susan Higgins said...

Try visiting some random old person in a nursing home instead... it won't kill you like giving blood and it will make 2 people feel really good - you and the old person!

meleah rebeccah said...

OMFG! If that ever happened to me while giving blood I would have started crying right before PASSING OUT!!!

Chris H said...

All I can say is F#%K That!!!
I hate needles.

Chris H said...

sperm would be easier, more SATISFYING... only I have none.
I hope they gave you a huge piece of cake after that trauma!

Slyde said...

chris: wouldya believe, NO CAKE!

Just some apple juice and a stale cookie! :(

SK Waller said...

Between donating blood and all the things I've had surgically removed, I've donated all I'm gong to. Fuck that.

Cocaine Princess said...

I can't believe you went through all that and oh yeah, when nurses start leafing through a manual, you know you're in trouble!

P.S. Your label for this post i think is by far your cheekiest.

Tamara said...

OMW... I nearly passed out just reading this!

I'm not able to donate blood. I've always felt bad about that. Now I just feel relieved!

Marlene said...

Oh crap. Is that like donating platelets? Cuz I did that once....and it sounds similar to your experience.....and it was the worst experience I've ever had.....and I've not been back since. You're far braver than I am.

Anonymous said...

That sounds super traumatic. I wonder if they had to throw away your sexy blood since they didn't know what the error is?

I have actually never given blood. That's weird isn't it? I was actually too skinny in High School to donate. You can bet I don't have that problem now. Heh.

But I'm back on my to being crack whore skinny. It's my Summer Resolution.

Jill said...

YIKE!!! That sounds like not fun AT ALL!!!!!!! I've donated blood, but I don't think I'd be up for the whole reinjected plasma thing. Even if it HAD worked properly, I'm thinking if my bodily fluids are already outside my body, they can just go ahead and stay out. As long as I'm able, I'll just make my own replacement, thanks. :-0 :-0 :-0

Jill said...

YIKE!!! That sounds like not fun AT ALL!!!!!!! I've donated blood, but I don't think I'd be up for the whole reinjected plasma thing. Even if it HAD worked properly, I'm thinking if my bodily fluids are already outside my body, they can just go ahead and stay out. As long as I'm able, I'll just make my own replacement, thanks. :-0 :-0 :-0