Tuesday, March 30, 2010

The World’s Worst Case Of Athlete’s Foot

Ah, poor Lindsay Lohan……

Since it was all over the interwebs yesterday, you have probably already caught a glimpse of the picture below, taken over the weekend of little Lindsay as she was leaving a Hollywood party.

Now, unlike the rest of the universe, I am NOT going to just going to assume that Lindsay Lohan, master in the art of subterfuge that she is, attempted to walk innocently past the paparazzi by hiding a bag of cocaine IN HER FUCKING SHOE!

No, as damning as the picture above may be, I will stand by my fellow Long Islander and offer 5 other explanations for what possibly could have happened:

1) Lindsay simply misjudged how much of her new time-released Gold Bond Foot Powder she needed to use in one dose.
2) Caught while filming a guest spot on ’24', Lindsay neglected to remove the hidden Anthrax from her shoe.
3) Lindsay just got back from skiing the K12 in her custom-made Manolo Blahnik ski-boots.
4) Only seconds before this picture was taken, innocent Lindsay was attempting to open a jumbo Pixie Stick with her feet.
5) Lindsay is suffering from the world’s first ever recorded case of pubic dandruff.

All kidding aside, as much as I want to just haul off and Donkey Punch this chick, I feel for her too.

Maybe it’s because she’s a home-town girl that I want to see her pull through this shit, or maybe it’s because that, as a child star, she was SO fucking talented that I want to see her cut this shit out and get her life together. Maybe it’s because, seeing as how she comes from a family of desperate attention-seeking fuckwads, I want to see her rise above it all.

Probably, it’s a little bit of all-of-the-above.

Whatever the case, the wise-ass in me just CANNOT contain itself while embarrassing shit like this is CONSTANTLY happening to her.

When someone as talented, pretty, and lucky as Lindsay Lohan was decides to so completely self-destruct like this and throw her career away like she has, she should just accept every damn joke and insult that gets thrown her way.


Verdant Earl said...

She needs to fake her own death and go live on a deserted island someplace for a few years.

Otherwise she might not have to fake anything.

Hey, did I ever tell you about the time I drank with her Dad? It was before he, um, got sober. Obviously.

Brittany said...

Poor linds. How time/media has changed her!

Oye. Parent trap... how time flies!

Heff said...

Thanks for the briefing. I hadn't heard about this.


Candy's daily Dandy said...

so sad..that girl is on the "Britney Express" to destruction.

She looks like she's 100 years old and that she's been used, hard.

Somebody throw her a life vest...quick!

Slyde said...

earl: you drank with michael? hell, you're probably the reason hes the way he is...

brit: thinking about the parent trap makes me sad :(

heff: thats the truth!

candy: i agree. the past few times ive seen her pic, all i can think of is how damn OLD she is looking....not good.

mo.stoneskin said...

The celebrity world needs people like you to "let them know". I see you as a kind of blogger equivalent of the Fifth Element villain.

Nat said...

Haha! We can rely on you to explore the possible explanations for her amazing puff-o-smoke shoes in great and entertaining detail :-)

I'd assumed it was a case of overdoing the old foot powder..either that or her feet were on fire!

Nej said...

Maybe she was using dry ice to get rid of a wart? :-)

Verdant Earl said...

Slyde - I met (and drank with) Michael Lohan the day he got his DUI that sent him spiraling downward on his path. I saw him around 6-7PM though, and he got popped sometime early the next morning so he was on quite the bender.

Slyde said...

im sure you contributed a tad....

remember, you are speaking to the person who you once scared the living shit out of when you decided to start driving the wrong way down route 110.

Chris H said...

It's all the paparazzi's fault for hounding the girl! She will sort herself out... eventually. You have to feel sorry for her in some way.

sybil law said...

That chick has wasted and partied away so much shit, it's hard to feel sorry for her.
But I do.
Although, who would put coke in their shoe? That's just fucking weird, period.

Anonymous said...

She's not happy any more and I feel bad for her.


The Invisible Seductress said...

Oh my....tangled webs aweavin'

meleah rebeccah said...

Yeah, sadly, Lindsay is still a 'HOT MESS' but, I do kind of have a soft spot for her too.

Anonymous said...

Funny how many of the ex-disney kids end up all fucked up like this one.

When she commits suicide or OD's, will she become the next Mary Monroe?

How will Disney rape her then?

terri said...

OMG. I heard this story on the radio and hadn't bothered to look up the picture. I heard she tweeted that it was baby powder, used to help keep her feet from chafing in a new pair of shoes. But now that I see the picture... holy crap.

Cocaine Princess said...

The dandruff statement cracked me up.

Hopefully she'll made a comeback and she probably would have if she hadn't turned down the role in "The Hangover." After she declined the role went to Heather Graham.

P.S. I can't believe you commented on my very 1st post. I thought nobody read that far back anymore.