Since it was all over the interwebs yesterday, you have probably already caught a glimpse of the picture below, taken over the weekend of little Lindsay as she was leaving a Hollywood party.
Now, unlike the rest of the universe, I am NOT going to just going to assume that Lindsay Lohan, master in the art of subterfuge that she is, attempted to walk innocently past the paparazzi by hiding a bag of cocaine IN HER FUCKING SHOE!
No, as damning as the picture above may be, I will stand by my fellow Long Islander and offer 5 other explanations for what possibly could have happened:
1) Lindsay simply misjudged how much of her new time-released Gold Bond Foot Powder she needed to use in one dose. 2) Caught while filming a guest spot on ’24', Lindsay neglected to remove the hidden Anthrax from her shoe. 3) Lindsay just got back from skiing the K12 in her custom-made Manolo Blahnik ski-boots. 4) Only seconds before this picture was taken, innocent Lindsay was attempting to open a jumbo Pixie Stick with her feet. 5) Lindsay is suffering from the world’s first ever recorded case of pubic dandruff.
All kidding aside, as much as I want to just haul off and Donkey Punch this chick, I feel for her too.
Maybe it’s because she’s a home-town girl that I want to see her pull through this shit, or maybe it’s because that, as a child star, she was SO fucking talented that I want to see her cut this shit out and get her life together. Maybe it’s because, seeing as how she comes from a family of desperate attention-seeking fuckwads, I want to see her rise above it all.
Probably, it’s a little bit of all-of-the-above.
Whatever the case, the wise-ass in me just CANNOT contain itself while embarrassing shit like this is CONSTANTLY happening to her.
When someone as talented, pretty, and lucky as Lindsay Lohan was decides to so completely self-destruct like this and throw her career away like she has, she should just accept every damn joke and insult that gets thrown her way.