Tuesday, March 09, 2010

Urinal Etiquette

So, I’m sitting here at work a short while ago, when suddenly I felt the need to go make pee-pee.

Anyway, off to the Men’s room I went.

Upon entering the bathroom, what did I spy with my little eye, but yet another dude already in there who just did NOT understand the “RULES OF THE GUY’S BATHROOM”!

You chicks may not know this, but there are a whole SLEW of rules, passed down through the ages, of what protocols guys are supposed to follow in the Men’s room.

Much like a dog inherently knowing how to swim, or a bat knowing how to hang upside down (or whatever the fuck else bats do), a “normal” dude just KNOWS how to act in the bathroom.

The guy I just shared my latest “bathroom experience” with obviously marches to the beat of his own drum.

For starters, there are 3 urinals in our bathroom here at work, and this guy was peeing IN THE CENTER URINAL!

You never EVER never EVER pee in the center urinal unless it’s the only one unoccupied, and even then it’s a judgment call.

On the contrary, when you walk into a bathroom with multiple urinals all in a row, you are supposed to pick one all the way on either end.

Why, you might ask?

Obviously so when I walk into the bathroom a second later, I can now pick the urinal on the OPPOSITE end from you, ensuring that there is zero chance of any homo-erotic hyjinx breaking out. That way, our wee-wee’s are as far apart as humanly possible.

But now, with this ass-hat taking care of business in the MIDDLE urinal, he forced my hand.

I HAD to take one of the urinals next to him.

So, there I was, hosing down the urinal while trying to remember the phone number to the National Urinal Tinkle Society (N.U.T.S.) so I can have this guy’s membership card revoked, when I saw him break RULE # 2!!!!

He turned his head and LOOKED AT ME!

YOU NEVER LOOK AT THE GUY NEXT TO YOU WHILE YOU ARE PEEING.

Never. Not ever. Not even if you think his hair might be on fire. You just don’t.

Staring straight ahead at the tiles and graffiti is standard protocol. Some prefer to stare into the urinal. Some rebels prefer to look up at the ceiling. All of these are acceptable.

However, looking at ME while we both have our Willies out is certainly NOT acceptable.

Anyway, I finished up as soon as I could, and high-tailed it out of there.

All in all, it was a truly harrowing experience.

I might require grief counseling.

37 comments:

Susan Higgins said...

Very funny Slyde... makes me REALLY HAPPY to be a woman. We get our own booths.

Mrs. Holly Hall said...

so, did he say anything or just do that guy nod thing that guys do to acknowledge each other.

also, DANG how do you keep from peeking?

i'd totally break bathroom rules if I was a guy. ;)

Real Live Lesbian said...

I'd totally be a peeker, too!

I saw this on the news this morning:

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2010/03/09/national/main6281693.shtml

Kirsty said...

It's interesting to note how men and women differ in terms of urine-receptacle choice. We favour toilet stalls that aren't in the middle, but definitely that aren't at the end. No-one wants that end stall! There are rumours about it!

Slyde said...

sue: you never want to go into a men's booth if you can help it.

holly: the only time i ever peeked was when i was in a bathroom with George Takei from star trek. Ive got i think 3 posts on here about it.

reallive: that is awesome! i'd TOTALLY take a wiz in GB's mouth!

kirsty: are they SEXY rumors?

Vinomom said...

Your poor Weenie! It must be traumatized! Will you be a "Stall Man" from here on out?

B.E. Earl said...

Who are you kidding?

There's ALWAYS a chance of homo-erotic hi-jinks breaking out whenever YOU go to the Men's Room.

It's time you stopped denying it.

B.E. Earl said...

Oooh, oooh. I just remembered that you broke your own rule when you saw Mr. Sulu from Star Trek go into the Men's Room. You snuggled up right next to him and took a long, hot glance at his wee-wee.

So I guess it's okay if the penis is famous, eh? Star fucker!

Nat said...

Sounds to me like this guy was just taking the piss ;-)

Brittany said...

ha ha ha! you poor thing!

Maybe you just need a drink!

mo.stoneskin said...

I hate it when people break the rules like that. I despise their flagrant disregard for common decency.

Ever seen this?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IzO1mCAVyMw

Hilarious. Seriously, watch it!

Heff said...

I'm familiar with all of the rules, but my primary concern is simply to hold up my massive dong to keep my cockhead from getting wet whilst flushing.

HotSkates said...

If I see there's no urinals open with a 'buffer zone' between the dudes, I just use one of the stalls which is actually perfectly acceptable; let's face it, even preferable to a urinal because you have walls protecting you from the homos!

However, if you have to do a #2, I'm sure you could do a whole commentary regarding that. First off the mens stalls toilet bowls usually have a huge turd left behind by what appeared to be a elephant that they purposely didn't flush (that is, unless you are at a fancy joint that has the auto-flush sensors). So if you are forced to use that stall, you have to first flush it and then take cover!

If you make it past that, you'll find that there's urine sprayed all over the place and it requires a major cleaning maid effort on your part! Then you have to put layers upon layers of toilet paper down on the seat for protection purposes. The men's bathroom in many places is often a terrifying place which is why many people just try to hold it in (especially #2) and avoid it at all costs.

We at HotSkates have immaculate bathrooms, so come on back Andy for some skating action! We miss you!

Mrs. Holly Hall said...

@Heff: i am never NOT impressed with your imagery. you are artist with the words! ;)

vixen kitten said...

Men. Y'all are a fucked up species. Seriously. :)


~vk~

Shania said...

Make sure you document the entire incident for workers compensation purposes.

Steph said...

You said he forced your hand... that was cool.

sybil law said...

You didn't even wash your hands?!!!
GAH.

I always take the first stall in bathrooms (womens, obviously. Yes - I am a woman, Slyde.), because it's the one no one else takes and therefore, it's usually cleaner and less germy.

I just really think it's weird that guys just yank their dicks out and pee in a row. I never really thought about it before.

terri said...

Those rules make complete and total sense to me. If you're going to be forced to pee out in the open that way, there has to at least be a code of conduct.

I can hardly pee if I think someone can hear me in the ladies' room. I can't imagine having to do it out in the open!

Chris H said...

Come on Dude! If that drawing of yourself is to be BELIEVED... he was just staring in AWE at your equipment!!!

Meghan said...

Women's washrooms have rules. Example-tonight my stall had no tp so I calmly said to the woman in the next stall "will you pass me some" and she got up, washed her hands and walked out of the washroom leaving me to drip and dry. That;s the cardinal woman rule.

There's a special place in hell for women like that.

Steph said...

What do you guys do if you're forced to go out in nature? Claim trees at opposite ends of the forest?

badgerdaddy said...

I thought everyone knew it was far urinal, near urinal, cubicle, and in the event of nuclear war only, middle urinal.

I once spoke to someone in a pisser though, because I thought of something amusing. Bloke was blocking the sink, so I said "I'm not washing my hands, because my cock is clean and I don't piss on my fingers."

Artful Kisser said...

Clearly he wants to pash you.

Tamara said...

Well, your ads are actually about helping the impoverished. Go figure.

At least he didn't talk to you. That would have been the ultimate sin!

2abes said...

Do you really have the number to N.U.T.S.???? You're the only one that I know with the number

2abes said...

Oh yeah, I forgot...Like you never looked at someones junk in the uruinal before...I know you only look at famous peoples junk in the urinal.

meleah rebeccah said...

Oh that's too funny! Im sure glad I am a woman and get a stall with a door in the bathroom!

Dr Zibbs said...

I hate using the urinal. Guys trying to look at my thing.

"No I'm not vaccuming the urninal. I just happened to be enormous. Jeez!"

Anonymous said...

When I walk into the men's room here at work - and the urinals are all taken - I like to muse out loud, "So this is where all of the dicks hang out."

Then I watch as the guys who laugh pee on their own feet.

Ah, good times.

-BrewB

Cocaine Princess said...

I would have to agree with the first comment made by Susan Higgins:

"...makes me REALLY HAPPY to be a woman. We get our own booths"

P.S.
National Urinal Tinkle Society: That was absolutely hilarious!

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~The South Dakota Cowgirl~ said...

Oh you're killin' me! How funny!

Bruce said...

....and how many times have we told you to stay out of the Apollo Bath House?

GiGi said...

Wow. Very enlightening and hilarious! Never knew any of that, for sure. Let me tell you, I do not miss the corporate world - I think I must have worked with some women who were raised by wolves! They did bad, bad things in the bathroom!

Nej said...

Another reason I'm glad I'm female. :-)

Anonymous said...

Union of Urinal Users

Instructional Video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KnOaMC8KHA4