Friday, March 05, 2010

I’m No Michael Phelps

For starters, I’m much better looking.

But while I far surpass him in the looks department, Phelps would admittedly edge me out with his knowledge of pools.

Case in point:

Since the weather has warmed up this week, most of the snow we have suffered these past few weeks has melted.

The other day, noticing that there was an assload of water on the cover of my pool, I thought it was high time for me to turn the water pump on to get some of it off my cover before it rips from the weight.

The only problem is, having an above-ground pool, gravity eventually takes over and the damn hose, over time, always slowly slides out of the pool. Then I come outside the next day to find the hose on the floor, and none of the water has yet to be siphoned.

Luckily for me, I’m as smart as I am hot. So I came up with an INGENIOUS plan to keep the hose from sliding out of the pool.

I put a brick on it.

It was FOOLPROOF. The brick would keep the hose from sliding, and the water would be pumped off my cover.

I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for those meddlesome kids!

Wait, what?

Sorry, I accidently channeled Scooby Doo. I’m back now.

Anyway, the ONE thing that my genius intellect didn’t account for, was the wind.

Apparently, during the night, the wind (or a squirrel, or rat, or camel, or a Mexican, or SOMETHING) blew the brick into the pool, onto the cover.

With the weight of the brick pushing the cover ever lower into the pool, my trusty little pump kept pumping…

And pumping, and pumping, and pumping.

Cut to the next day, when I cheerily went outside to check on how my pump was doing…..

…Only to find out that my pump had gone above and beyond the fucking call of duty, apparently.

So, now my pool has about 15 inches of water in it, my backyard looks like i should have a fucking Gondola floating across it, and I’m none too happy about the whole mess.

I realize that many of you aren’t anywhere NEAR as smart as me, and might have had trouble visualizing the sequence of events as I described it.

In light of this, I decided to help any of you who couldn’t visualize this whole mess with a handy diagram.



While it’s a very technical diagram, I hope you can read through the scientific jargon and begin to understand the sequence of events that led to my current situation.

Does it all make sense now? Hopefully, that didn’t go over your heads and did the trick.

And yes ladies, that self-portrait is 100 percent anatomically correct.

33 comments:

Mrs. Holly Hall said...

Hey Slyde:

We, the Tribe Called Hall, have a below ground pool.

"It's a IN GROUND BABE!" (this is what Mr. Hall always says when I say below ground. Which I keep repeating because it irritates him so)

BUT ANYWHOODLE- Yes, the snow and yuck are just a weighing the cover down. But, the spring it is coming.

SQUEE!!!

So, um, when do you get to use your pool? WHat month does the fun begin?

ours is heated btw :)

Nat said...

One question....why are you naked in your yard? Is is really THAT warm already over your side or are you a nudist ;-)

Steph said...

Buying Levis must pose a problem.

Slyde said...

holly: we'll start using our pool around memorial day, or shortly after.

nat: generally, im naked alot. But yes, ive been known to be naked around my pool. check out http://www.slydesblog.com/2009/08/naked-isnt-always-better.html for my last foray into outdoor nakedness....

Slyde said...

steph: you have no idea. sometimes i just buy crotchless...

Marie said...

If you keep this up I am going to have to stop reading at work while I am on conference calls. AND while drinking coffee.

I spilled my coffee and laughed like a donkey.

I am hot and bothered..and NOT in a good way.

Kirsty said...

AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

that is all.

vinomom said...

Best. Diagram. Ever.

I'll forgive you for the momentary panic attack I suffered as I scrolled down and prayed no one at work was walking behind me.

Susan Higgins said...

Don't feel like a total moron... I accidentally drained my above ground pool in a similar way. I didn't use a brick, I used a big pole that had the same effect - ripped the cover and the pump did it's thing.

Only, I not only ripped the cover, I ripped the lining too!

As for the picture... God love ya Kong.

sybil law said...

I can't believe you didn't use your own hose to get the job done!
Lookin' good, Slyde.
Maybe lay off the tanning bed, though. Or self tanner. You're kinda orange.

The Invisible Seductress said...

Those meddlesome kids stole your pants!!!!

oh my...wink

Bruce said...

Well, first of all. I am smarter than you. I don't own an above ground pool. You have to be pretty smart to know what a pain they are before you buy one.

...and secondly...I am still laughing at the drawing. I mean really laughing.....serious, my co-workers are wondering what the joke is.....are you reall that 'small'......geez, how embarassing.

B.E. Earl said...

Didn't something similar happen before? Yeah...I think it did.

http://www.slydesblog.com/2008/06/im-idiot.html

Oh, and I won't even bother commenting on the ridiculous drawing. There is no way that there could be waves in a pool that size with a cover on it. Sheesh.

Suzi Q said...

Are you sure you're realy capable of having a pool? It just seems like it's more trouble than it's worth...

Dr Zibbs said...

HAAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAH
HAHAHHAHAHHAHAAHAHA!!

Do I have permission to tattoo that image of you on my "tramp stamp" area?

Slyde said...

zibs: of course! pictures, please!

Christine said...

=) Your posts crack me up!

Cocaine Princess said...

Picasso would be proud of that portrait.

Heff said...

It MUST have been a Mexican. From what I hear, they're GOOD with bricks.

BTW....Nice DONG.

CPalermo21 said...

I'm impressed you put up the true-to-life diagram.

It takes a bold man to admit he only has four fingers on each hand and a giant pair of man boobs.

Slyde said...

thats an artist rendition of my rock-hard pecs...

2abes said...

did you draw that picture while looking in the funhouse mirror?

mo.stoneskin said...

That was no wind, squirrel OR rat, bwahahahaha. Sorry about that.

Gosh, you really are,um, the perfect human specimen.

Evil Twin's Wife said...

I like the self-portrait!

Shania said...

We just went to the house to check on the pool and the stupid snow was so heavy it sank the cover and pushed the water out. So we have about two and a half feet of water left.

Nice hose, btw.

badgerdaddy said...

Earl's right again, that diagram is RIDICULOUS! Waves under a cover on a pool that size too. Apart from that, great illustration.

Actually, Sybil Law makes a good point; are you a man, or a mangerine?

terri said...

I need a pool boy. Do you hire out?

Oh wait. I don't have a pool. Damn.

Karen said...

Wow. LOL. I guess it could be worse. Like you could have flooded your basement or your neighbor's basement.

Chris H said...

As we speak.. I am busy sewing you three legged trousers!
In your dreams Slyde mate.
Bummer about the flood. You could always use your extra 'trunk' to suck it up.

Kaylen said...

Wow...I totally forgot what the story was about when I saw the visual. You have such great abs, I just couldn't look away!

And with the size difference in your arms, I'm assuming you MUST be left-handed. And alone a lot.

meleah rebeccah said...

Ahahahhahaha. I am sorry to be laughing at your flooded back yard and brick/pool cover drama, but this post cracked me up!!

Anonymous said...

Nice post, thanks!

Yankee Girl said...

How do you get your pants on?

Very impressive!