Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Home Again, Home Again…

Jigetty, Jig.

I haven’t been around for awhile.

No doubt you all have been checking in here hourly, desperate like a junkie for your latest fix of “ME”.

I know I let you all down, but as the banner pic implies, I have spent the past 10 days over in the land of imagination, better known as “Disney”.

Sorry for not letting ya’ll know I was taking a vacay, but the truth is I don’t trust you reprobates enough to inform you all that I wouldn’t be home for an extended period of time. Armed with THAT kind of info, more than one of you wouldn’t have thought twice about breaking into my home, urinating on my pillow, and raping the cat.

Anyway, I’m back, and I’m EXHAUSTED.

I have some great pictures to put up for you, but that will have to wait a bit since I haven’t gotten around to downloading them off of the camera yet. For now, just use my masterful storytelling to paint an image in your mind.

On our second day in Florida, it was raining like Hell, so we opted for going to the indoor “Disney Quest”. It was a great idea, but unfortunately the rest of Florida had the same damn idea. The place was packed! Plus, most of the rides sucked. They sure as shit weren’t worth the crazy amount of time it took to wait on line for them. Plus, Mini-Me was about 1 inch too short to go on the cooler ones, so THAT went over like a lead fucking balloon.

Next we went to the top dog itself, Magic Kingdom. I hadn’t been there since I was 8 (they were BUILDING Epcot the last time I was there... I’m old), so it was nice to revisit it. We stayed from opening till closing, about 15 hours of pg-approved fun. Mini-Me loved every second of it. His favorite ride was The Haunted Mansion. The highlight for ME was to FINALLY get to go on Space Mountain, a feat I attempted to accomplish when I was 8, but after seeing a sign in front of the ride proclaiming a 2 1/2 hour wait, my father promptly declared “no fucking way” and I never got my shot. It was nice to finally check that off my Bucket List.

Everyone was pretty much exhausted after Disney, so we spent the next day having chicks check out my hot physique by the pool. Being a sex object gets old after a while. No it doesn’t.

Next up was Sea World, which was cool. I like imagining what I would do if the tank to the Shark cage cracked open while I was in there, flooding the room. How many sharks would I be able to punch in the nuts before they ultimately swarmed me and ripped me to pieces? I estimated 8. Anyway, they started the Killer Whale show with a very moving tribute to the chick who got killed 2 weeks ago, which was nice. The show was cool, until I looked over at Mini-Me, who had been uncharacteristically mopey all day, to see him sound asleep and burning up.

Guess what that meant? Strep Throat! On vacation! WOO HOO!

So, the next day he and Friz rested back at the condo, while the rest of us (we had another family, very close friends, go with us), went to Disney Hollywood. What a waste! This place blew chunks, and really was the only sour spot on our vacation. Everything had incredibly long lines (on a Monday!), half the attractions were either shut down or broken for the day, and the few we DID get to go on I thought pretty much sucked balls. I TOLD everyone we should have done Universal instead, but does anyone listen to me? NOOOOOOO! Why can’t people get it through their thick skulls that I’m not just a pretty face… .I have a brain, too!

We capped off the trip by going to Epcot on St. Patrick’s Day, which was phenomenal. We once again closed the park, and at the end of the night, I used my masculine wiles to sweet-talk a security guard into getting us into the VIP area to watch the fireworks show. Sitting there, from that incredible viewpoint, with Mini-Me on my lap, watching his beautiful face in wide wonder as we watched the fireworks, was without a doubt the highlight of the trip for me.

Anyway, I’m back, and I’m still sexy. As I said, I’ll try to get some pics up soon.

And check back next time when I tell you about our adventure getting home. It involves breaking the law and me having a run-in with an assault-gun-wielding officer of Homeland Security, and me pretty much pooping my pants.



The Invisible Seductress said...

That sounds like an awesome trip!!!! I am glad you had fun!! Hollywood does suck!!! Universal is MUCH better!!!

(sorry,,putting salt back on the shelf now)

Real Live Lesbian said...

You carried your lighter on the plane, didn't you?

Glad you had fun...and I know the chicks by the pool are still talking about you!

Heff said...

Strep Throat ? What Timing !

Susan Higgins said...

Welcome back... looking forward to the funny posts that will follow, especially the run in that caused you to poop your pants.

Verdant Earl said...

You use me as the example of one of your "reader" who would break into your house and rape your cat when you are on vacation, yet I'm the only one here who knew where you were going and for how long.

It's like I don't even know you anymore.

PS - You didn't need to tell us the security guard at Epcot was 85 and male. That's the only demographic that your feminine wiles work on.

Faiqa said...

So, what you're telling me is that you were LESS THAN FIFTY miles away from my home and couldn't meet for a lousy drink?! Like I'm only good enough to be friends with on THE INTERNET. You seriously missed out, buddy, because I am only one fifth as awesome on the Internet as I am in real life.

You, sir, are a douchebag. I kid, I kid. But, there's no way I'm letting Earl bring you as his date when I'm in NYC in August.

Nope, you can't talk me out of it.

Too late.

Glad you had fun. ;-)

Slyde said...

faiqa: i had no idea you lived in florida. i thought you only lived in my fantasies.

If i had known, i would definitely have tried to work something out.

Brittany said...

Sounds pretty B.A! :) Glad you had a good time. Hope Mini Me is feeling better! Poor honey!

:) Can't wait for the pictures you sexy beast you!

badgerdaddy said...

We wouldn't have had to rape the cat. That little fucker gives it up quicker than most of us can think.

Unknown said...

So, did that sexy body of yours getting even more tan while you were laying by the pool being eye gobbled by all those women?

Can't wait to hear the pants-pooping story!

Shania said...

Well thank gawd you're back. I can quit frantically hitting refresh and get some rest.

Sorry about the strep and the poop.

Mrs. Hall said...

I get mad props for knowning THE FIRST LINE IS FROM BLADE RUNNER!!!

Cause Mr. Hall quotes that line all the dang time ;)


i'll go and read the rest of the post now.


Slyde said...

holly: good girl. i've been saying that for so long, i actually forgot where it was from, but you're right.

2abes said...

nice trip! since you're home i guess you out manuvered the homeland security guy. you're like jason bourne or maybe john bosley from charlies angels.... you pick.

mo.stoneskin said...

I have been coming here every 20 seconds or so, hitting refresh constantly as I whither away, not wanting to go out to buy food or drink in case I missed the usual display of remarkable word-weaving, masterful story-telling and blah blah blah...

Ha, yeah right.

But I did miss you really.

sybil law said...

I did! I came here every damn day, and you made me cry! How dare you not pleasure me with your posts!!
Damn - that came out WAY creepier than I meant it to!
Can't wait to hear how you pooped your pants. Almost, my ass. :)

terri said...

Sounds like a great trip... all except for the strep throat and the sucky rides.

I can hardly wait for the poopy pants story and to see how you put a sexy spin on that one!

meleah rebeccah said...


You're back!
Welcome home.

Sorry to hear about the 'Strep Throat Situation'.

However, this [see below] made me LAUGH OUT LOUD:

"so we spent the next day having chicks check out my hot physique by the pool. Being a sex object gets old after a while. No it doesn’t."


Cant wait to see the photos!

Chris H said...

Sorry to hear Mini-Me got ill.. hope he's 100% better now.
I would love to get to Disney one day... *sigh*
I wait with baited breath to hear about the 'run-in with assault-gun-wielding officer' !

Chris H said...

Oh and you pooping your pants.. NOW THAT sounds interesting!

Tamara said...

You brought the sexy back ;-)

Is Hollywodd / MGM the same thing? MGM was my favurite park. But then I'm not a rides fan.

Kirsty said...

For hell's sake! You can't just take a ten day hol and not at least organise some blog coverage. SHEESH. Anyway good to have you back, etc, hope it was fun, strep throat is a bitch, and so on.
Space Mountain was more or less the highlight of my life so far, except I went on it in Paris, and the high percentage of French people made it slightly worse. Can't they at least SCREAM in a language I understand?

Unknown said...

Keep talking to me like that and you'll be having a visitor very soon!

GiGi said...

Sounds like a great trip! I can't wait to read more about it...we are planning some sort of trip like that soon - just not sure what the best age is for the kids to go.

Nej said...

Welcome back!!!!

I'm still trying to decide if going to Disney should be on my bucket list. It's on my back up bucket list I suppose. You know, for when I complete all my bucket list items, and need more stuff to do. :-)

Vinomom said...

I enjoyed reading about this because we are headed there in less than a month. It will be the first time for Lady H and the first time in a LONG time for me. I think I was also around 8 when I went, but Epcot was built :)

Looking forward to the pictures. Oh and Strep Throat on vacation?! WTF ? The DisneyGods were out to get you.

Kate said...

Hope mini me is feeling better. Poor kid!

Space Mountain on your bucket list? I've never been to DW . must be fun.
wElcome back !

Cocaine Princess said...

What an awesome post. I enjoyed it Slyde!

I hope your little lamb feels better soon.


Looking forward in seeing the pictures.

YOur label for this post: too funny.

Bruce Johnson said...

I recall hitting Space Moutain when I was kid at the Magic Kingdom on the West Coast (back when Captain E-O was still playing. I thought it sucked. It was just a roller coaster in the dark....what the hell was so special about that. I never went back.....screw you Disney.