I believe I promised you all a story, didn’t I?
On the day we left Disney for home, we gave ourselves plenty of time to catch our flight. We arrived at the car rental return about 2 hours before our flight from Orlando airport.
As we unpacked the car, the other couple we vacationed with started looking frantically around the mini-van. When I asked them what was up, my friend looked up at me with a panicked face and yelled:
“Two of my bags are missing! We searched the whole car and two of our bags are not here!”
To make matters worse, ONE of the bags that they were missing contained ALL of their electronics…. Digital camera, camcorder, the kids DS’s, etc. About a grand worth of stuff.
So, what to do? My friend was in a panic, his kids were crying, and his wife was PISSED! They decided to jump back in the van, and head back to the condo to try to find the bags.
The condo was about 30 minutes from the airport! I knew this could be bad.
So, he and my wife jumped back in the van and frantically sped off, while myself and his wife took the kids and checked in the luggage, and got our boarding passes.
Then there was nothing we could do but wait.
I kept in contact with them every 15 minutes or so, watching our time left to get on the plane ticking with each call.
With an hour left before our flight, my wife called to tell us that security had found their bags sitting on the sidewalk! They retrieved them and were on their way back to the airport now.
I started thinking that while the time would be tight, everything was actually going to work out. We started walking to the security gate, where we planned to meet them when they arrived.
The line to get through security was at LEAST 500 people long.
It was at that point that I knew we were 100 percent fucked for any chance to get on our plane.
I asked someone near the middle of the line how long he had been waiting so far. When he told me “about an hour so far”, it was about then that we all started to panic.
It was then that I saw a guard, complete with semi-automatic assault rifle slung on his shoulder, standing behind a nearby podium that read “Homeland Security V.I.P. line”.
He really looked like he didn’t want to be fucked with. But as the minutes kept ticking by, and the realization really sunk in that we were in fact going to miss our flight, I decided to take a chance and plead my case to him.
So, I walked over to him, and did just that. While I told my story, he barely looked at me. I was expecting to be told to “fuck off” any second.
What he said next was the LAST thing I ever would expect him to say. Out of the corner of his mouth, talking like shady people do in the movies so people can’t see their lips moving, he said:
“Grab my hand”
Now, I stood there dumbfounded. Out of anything I thought he was about to tell me, a romantic hand-holding outing was not what I was expecting. I mean, he was cute, but he was moving a tad too fast for me.
I stood there thinking, “There is no fucking WAY I just heard that right.”
So, what the Hell to do? Do I just blindly grab his hand and hope he just wants to be friends? I quickly imagined me trying to hold his hand, and him looking at me like I just took a poo on the floor and then head-butting me with his rifle.
I masterfully managed to stammer out: “Wha…. What?”
“My left hand. Take my left hand.”
Honestly thinking that he was about to hand-cuff me for something, I decided to just throw the guy some love and grabbed his hand, which was hidden on the side of the podium.
There was a slip of paper in it.
He continued to talk out of the side of his mouth:
“Take that paper and put it RIGHT into your pocket. Do NOT take it out to look at it. Do you understand?”
I nodded “Yes” and did as he asked.
“When your friends get here, if I’m no longer on duty, show the guard here that slip of paper, and tell him that you already went through security, but then you realized that you had to mail a snowglobe to your aunt, so you went back to the main concourse.”
Was he fucking kidding me? A fucking snow globe??? There was no way I was going to be able to make that story fly. It sounded ridiculous to me.
Not knowing AT ALL what to do, and half-expecting to be tackled at any second by 10 guys in blue windbreakers, I quickly thanked him and slinked away.
I REALLY wanted to know what the fuck was in my pocket. When I explained to my friend’s wife what just transpired, she happily offered that maybe the paper said something like:
“Hi, I’m a member of Al Qaeda! I have a suitcase nuke hidden in my underwear. Die Yankee Skum. HA HA!”
That didn’t help much.
So there I sat, watching the clock tick away, and wondering just how the Hell this was all going to play out.
With 15 minutes before our flight, the others finally arrived.
I quickly explained to them the situation while all of us slowly walked over to the Homeland Security station, where my hand-holding friend was thankfully still working.
I handed him the paper, and he just whisked us right through to the terminal. He never even looked at me. I mouthed a silent “Thank you so much!” as I walked past him, and that was that. We made our flight with minutes to spare.
I wonder if I should have said something more to the man. He truly did save the day.
And he really did have nice, soft hands. Maybe I should have slipped him my phone-number?
GOT THE RIGHT DAY TODAY
3 hours ago