Friday, March 26, 2010

The Best Way To Bypass Security At The Airport

I believe I promised you all a story, didn’t I?

On the day we left Disney for home, we gave ourselves plenty of time to catch our flight. We arrived at the car rental return about 2 hours before our flight from Orlando airport.

As we unpacked the car, the other couple we vacationed with started looking frantically around the mini-van. When I asked them what was up, my friend looked up at me with a panicked face and yelled:

“Two of my bags are missing! We searched the whole car and two of our bags are not here!”

To make matters worse, ONE of the bags that they were missing contained ALL of their electronics…. Digital camera, camcorder, the kids DS’s, etc. About a grand worth of stuff.

So, what to do? My friend was in a panic, his kids were crying, and his wife was PISSED! They decided to jump back in the van, and head back to the condo to try to find the bags.

The condo was about 30 minutes from the airport! I knew this could be bad.

So, he and my wife jumped back in the van and frantically sped off, while myself and his wife took the kids and checked in the luggage, and got our boarding passes.

Then there was nothing we could do but wait.

I kept in contact with them every 15 minutes or so, watching our time left to get on the plane ticking with each call.

With an hour left before our flight, my wife called to tell us that security had found their bags sitting on the sidewalk! They retrieved them and were on their way back to the airport now.

I started thinking that while the time would be tight, everything was actually going to work out. We started walking to the security gate, where we planned to meet them when they arrived.

The line to get through security was at LEAST 500 people long.

It was at that point that I knew we were 100 percent fucked for any chance to get on our plane.

I asked someone near the middle of the line how long he had been waiting so far. When he told me “about an hour so far”, it was about then that we all started to panic.

It was then that I saw a guard, complete with semi-automatic assault rifle slung on his shoulder, standing behind a nearby podium that read “Homeland Security V.I.P. line”.

He really looked like he didn’t want to be fucked with. But as the minutes kept ticking by, and the realization really sunk in that we were in fact going to miss our flight, I decided to take a chance and plead my case to him.

So, I walked over to him, and did just that. While I told my story, he barely looked at me. I was expecting to be told to “fuck off” any second.

What he said next was the LAST thing I ever would expect him to say. Out of the corner of his mouth, talking like shady people do in the movies so people can’t see their lips moving, he said:

“Grab my hand”

Now, I stood there dumbfounded. Out of anything I thought he was about to tell me, a romantic hand-holding outing was not what I was expecting. I mean, he was cute, but he was moving a tad too fast for me.

I stood there thinking, “There is no fucking WAY I just heard that right.”

So, what the Hell to do? Do I just blindly grab his hand and hope he just wants to be friends? I quickly imagined me trying to hold his hand, and him looking at me like I just took a poo on the floor and then head-butting me with his rifle.

I masterfully managed to stammer out: “Wha…. What?”

“My left hand. Take my left hand.”

Honestly thinking that he was about to hand-cuff me for something, I decided to just throw the guy some love and grabbed his hand, which was hidden on the side of the podium.

There was a slip of paper in it.

He continued to talk out of the side of his mouth:

“Take that paper and put it RIGHT into your pocket. Do NOT take it out to look at it. Do you understand?”

I nodded “Yes” and did as he asked.

He continued:

“When your friends get here, if I’m no longer on duty, show the guard here that slip of paper, and tell him that you already went through security, but then you realized that you had to mail a snowglobe to your aunt, so you went back to the main concourse.”

Was he fucking kidding me? A fucking snow globe??? There was no way I was going to be able to make that story fly. It sounded ridiculous to me.

Not knowing AT ALL what to do, and half-expecting to be tackled at any second by 10 guys in blue windbreakers, I quickly thanked him and slinked away.

I REALLY wanted to know what the fuck was in my pocket. When I explained to my friend’s wife what just transpired, she happily offered that maybe the paper said something like:

“Hi, I’m a member of Al Qaeda! I have a suitcase nuke hidden in my underwear. Die Yankee Skum. HA HA!”

That didn’t help much.

So there I sat, watching the clock tick away, and wondering just how the Hell this was all going to play out.

With 15 minutes before our flight, the others finally arrived.

I quickly explained to them the situation while all of us slowly walked over to the Homeland Security station, where my hand-holding friend was thankfully still working.

I handed him the paper, and he just whisked us right through to the terminal. He never even looked at me. I mouthed a silent “Thank you so much!” as I walked past him, and that was that. We made our flight with minutes to spare.

I wonder if I should have said something more to the man. He truly did save the day.

And he really did have nice, soft hands. Maybe I should have slipped him my phone-number?


sybil law said...

Maybe it said something like, "I blew the first security guy" or something.
Either way- kickASS! :)

Mrs. Hall said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mrs. Hall said...

here's a fact.

Everytime i go through security I always get searched. One time I was basically padded down, by a woman guard. she touched my bobbins. and no, she didn't buy me dinner first!



when I was 8 months pregos can coming back from mexico (shush I can so travel while being huge and pregnant!) the guard pulls me aside

Makes me lift my shirt so they can check if I'm REALLY PREGNANT AND NOT SMUGGLING SOMETHING IN A FAKE BELLY!!

kid you not.

but seriously. I would have kicked your friends ass for going back for his DS/electoric gear. SCREW THAT!

dude almost made you miss you're flight.

GAAH!! I would have never forgiven him.

but then again, I don't travel with people for reason. :)

Verdant Earl said...

The game is afoot.

Expect a visit from you heavily-armed homeland security guy in the next two weeks. When he arrives, grab his left testicle with your right hand. Squeeze gently.

I don't have time to tell you what happens next, but it involves a trip to the meat-packing district in NYC, a 12-inch dildo and some lube.

GO, GO GO!!!

Susan Higgins said...

He must have liked your eyes.

Nej said...

Soft hands..ok. But was he cute?? :-)

That's the best airport security story I've ever heard. Awesome!!!!

Heff said...

At least he didn't ask you to retrieve the slip of paper from his POCKET, thus touching HIS snowglobes....

mo.stoneskin said...

Amazing story. I'll bet he was an angel...


Maybe he just wanted to hold your hand.

teeni said...

That's awesome! So glad that someone actually helped you out in this situation. I wonder what that note said? I need to write one just for such an emergency. ;)

Faiqa said...

oh. hell. no.

This just totally makes Chris Rock's case for the idea that we Americans of Middle Eastern descent are the "new" black people.

Tamara said...

"I wanna hold your haaaaand..."

Beatles fan?

I would not be able to not look at the slip of paper.

Anonymous said...

Anybody who thinks all this security is going to do a damn thing, should be fortunate enough to be on the next plane to be hijacked.

Why aren't you all up in arms over the rediculously useless airport security.

Ar eyou really that afraid of the "terrorists". If you are, they've already beaten you.

Better to get blown up in a hijacked plane then live in this paranoid security mad psychotic country.

This ain't Israel. We shouldn't be living like it is.

This story just goes to show how stupid and useless airport "security" really is these days.

Why do you people put up with this security crap?

Are you here to serve the government or are they here to serve you?

meleah rebeccah said...

Ahahahahah! Much like Nej, that's one of the best airport security story I've ever heard! Seriously!

Im glad he was able to save the day and that he had soft hands!

Bruce Johnson said...

So we never get to find out what the paper said???? (this just goes to prove you really are gay....holding hands with a security will go a long way in prison)

Anonymous said...

I seriously do not know know what to say to that. That is the weirdest story I have EVER heard. Mostly, though, that guy did you a HUGE favor and I hope you didn't tag this post w/ TSA or something and that guy gets found out and fired or charged w/ treason or something.

This kind of shit would only happen to you...