Friday, February 12, 2010

What Every Father Wants To Hear

If you live anywhere near me right now, you are surrounded by snow.

A LOT of snow.

So much snow that most schools and offices got to shut down or have a delayed opening, at least ONE of the past two days.

My company apparently didn’t get the fucking memo.

Anyway, through my frustration with having to schlep my ass to work in this weather, I still managed to have some fun Wednesday night with Mini-Me, out in the snow.

He wanted to build a snowman. We built a kick-ass one. We even bought a snowman kit, complete with the buttons and eyeballs and fake carrot stick and all. He had a ball. I was going to take a picture of it, but as luck would have it, my digital camera died last night, so no pics for you until I get it charged.

After we build the best snowman ever, he wanted to have a snowball fight.

So there we were, throwing snowballs at each other, as the rest of my neighbors were out and about trying to shovel themselves out.

Everything was going swimmingly, until a badly lobbed throw by ME hit Mini-Me squarely in the Family Jewels.

My son, looked at his crotch, then looked at me. Then he did it again.

Crotch. Me. Crotch. Me.

Then, with tears in his eyes, he looked at me accusingly and SCREAMED…..

“YOU HURT MY PENIS!”

Before I could tell him to kindly lower his damn voice, he started running all over the lawn screaming his new mantra:

“YOU HURT MY PENIS! YOU HURT MY PENIS!”

I looked around to notice my entire neighborhood taking a break from their shoveling to watch the free entertainment unfolding on my lawn.

There really isn’t much else you can do at such a point, except to sit my ass down in the snow and wait for Child Protective Services to come along.

Thankfully, they haven’t showed up yet. Maybe they’re stuck in the blizzard.

Or maybe in their haste to get to my house, they drove too fast over a snowbank and hurt THEIR penises.

28 comments:

2abes said...

you couldn't do what everyone else does and hit him in the head? I bet you were never the pitcher, always the catcher.

sybil law said...

Hahahaha!
I mean, poor Mini Me!
Hahahahaha!!

badgerdaddy said...

Such great childhood memories... Right up there with the Towel Monkeys story.

B.E. Earl said...

I'm not surprised. You and penises have some kind of magnetic attraction. But good God, man...he's your son!

Slyde said...

earl: i think you must be right. It explains your attraction to me.

CPalermo21 said...

I'm pretty sure he always *was* the catcher, and never the pitcher.

We're not really talking about baseball though, right?

i am the diva said...

ah... adventures in parenting...
priceless!!

be sure to tell this one at his wedding.

Christine said...

This snow is driving me bat shit insane! Luckily, my mini-me's went back to school today so I got at least one day off, but... it's supposed to snow again this weekend.

happy...happy...joy...joy

~The South Dakota Cowgirl~ said...

that made me laugh so hard! i fled south dakota for texas so i could ride all winter- and what happens when i get here- rain for 2 weeks and then the snowstorm of the decade that dumped 12 inches of snow on us. real nice of you mother nature.

GiGi said...

Ouch. My son threw out this zinger in the pizza shop, after he'd been poking and prodding the baby earlier in the day."we don't touch babies penises, mom - right?" But this was loud, like what I call TODDLER loud..

Nat said...

Poor Mini...but he'll get over it, eventually!

When we were teenagers, I dropped a cup of boiling hot coffee over my ever-the-drama-queen brother's crotch....he leapt about shrieking that I'd destroyed his chance of ever fathering a child, etc etc

I must remember to tell that story to his two daughters some day...

Kirsty said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-8Ihsccknw

Ok, I know it's hardly the same story, but hey, it also includes a small child saying the word "penis" to humorous effect. Enjoy!

Susan Higgins said...

Oh man... I needed that laugh today. Thank you and Mini-you... I love his mantra! HAHAHA!

JenJen said...

hey there...came back to check you out after the lovely comment at my humble blog.
And?
My son said: Mom. LOOKATTHISPENIS!

Awesome. Thanks for doing that at Costco, love.

Little shit.

Chris H said...

OMG wish I'd been there! That is hysterical. And sad. Poor boy. Careless Daddy! That picture of the snowmen is SICK. YOU are sick. In a nice way of course.

Chris H said...

OH and I do hope Mini Me's penis is all better by now...

Brittany said...

BAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Thats all i've got! BAHHH HA HA! POOR BABY!

terri said...

He'll never forgive you for this. You know that, right? Every time you think you've got the upper hand, he'll bring up the time dad hurt his penis and make you wallow in guilt.

Secretia said...

That was close, it could have been a bad case of "snow balls!"

Cocaine Princess said...

I too am surrounded by snow.

You and mini me building a snowman, so cute.

P.S. I always enjoy reading the back and forth comments between you and B.E. Earl

Tamara said...

Hehehe... I bet you were just like that as a kid... Any excuse to say 'penis'. Wait, you're still like that ;-)

Kaylen said...

I love penis stories!!

Faiqa said...

That was awesome. There are no words. Except maybe hahahahahaha!

Meghan said...

I love your stories with Mini-me. Great mantra.

The Ambiguous Blob said...

I haven't laughed this hard at a blog in quite awhile. THAT IS PRICELESS!!!

Bruce said...

I think this all stems from that Thriller video that you let him watch last month......I warned you.

Nej said...

Awww....poor Mini Me.

If I'd been in your neighborhood shoveling snow (which I won't be, because we still can't get out of ours....since the beginning of December now), I would have stopped and watched too. You pass up entertainment like that! :-)

Candice Claire said...

HA HA HA!! Poor Mini Me!

Lucky you though! I've never seen snow before in my life! That's what comes with staying in South Africa!