Friday, February 26, 2010

Cashiers Are Idiots

One of the greatest things about being such a good looking man is that other people do things for me. Things that I don’t want to do.

Things like going grocery shopping.

Seriously, I can’t stand that shit. I hate every part of it: The slow shamble down the aisles, one after the other like a Lemming. The creaky shopping carts with one busted wheel defiantly rolling the wrong way. The old lady in front of me at the checkout who decides at the last minute she wants to pay by check, or Japanese Yen, or Moon rocks or some similar shit. The whole ordeal just grates on me.

So, like I said, I don’t shop for myself. I sit home and people shop for me. I highly recommend this.

In fact, if it wasn’t for my cat, I would never set one foot in a supermarket, ever.

You see, unfortunately for me, Friz has drawn the line on buying cat food. She is more than happy to take care of all the grocery-buying for House Slyde, but, as she puts it, “That damn cat is your responsibility. You found him, so you can feed him.”

So, what is a stud like myself, who hates supermarkets, to do?

I’ll tell ya what. Every two months, I go to the supermarket late at night (when its less crowded), and I buy a huge bag of kitty litter, and SIXTY cans of Fancy Feast cat food. Yeah, I said sixty. Then I haul ass to the checkout aisle, pay (in cash!), and high-tail it home, where I don’t have to think about making another supermarket trip for another 2 months.

I’ve been doing this for about 15 years now. EVERY 2 months like clockwork, I make ONE lightning-quick kamikaze run to the supermarket.

For such a quick trip, you might think that I couldn’t POSSIBLY get TOO annoyed by the experience, but you’d be dead fucking wrong.

How could such a seemingly innocuous trip still get my goat?

Well, there’s TWO reasons.

1) Without fail, the ancient old mummy behind the checkout will look at my mountain of cat food on the conveyor belt and inevitably warble out:

“Wow, that’s A LOT of cat food! How many cats do you have?”

Then I feel obligated to explain that no, I only have ONE cat, but I just don’t get to the supermarket too often, yadda yadda yadda. Then two minutes of aimless small talk ensues.

It was cute, oh, the first FOUR HUNDRED FUCKING TIMES it happened, but call me fickle, after that it started to get a tad old. As soon as I hear the old bat say “Wow..”, I just want to reach over the conveyer belt and punch her right in the bifocals before she can continue. One day, I will snap over it. Really.

2) Like I said, I buy 60 identical cans of the same food. That’s a lot of cans. So, to make things easier for the Good-Will-Hunting-Level intellect behind the counter, I stack the cans up into 12 identical stacks of 5 cans each.

12 stacks. 5 cans each stack. The same kind of can.

My third grade Math teacher taught me that I can figure out that the total number of cans is 12 times 5.

Maybe ONCE a year, I’m lucky enough to find an Einstein smart enough to swipe just ONE can, and then press a button on the register to multiply it by 60.

The REST of the year, I am forced to endure old crusty Mildred look at the stacks of cans, then at me, and frown at me like I just made her job harder. Then, she proceeds to take ONE CAN AT A TIME and swipe each one thru that fucking little laser scanner.

Each. Fucking. Can.

Seriously, it’s enough to make me just pop open a can right there and cram that mini-helping of beef giblets and gravy right down her dusty old throat.

A transaction that SHOULD take about 1 minute ends up taking closer to 10. I don’t think I’m asking a lot when I say that I prefer someone who can do elementary school math be my liason between myself and the establishment.

Sometimes it’s enough to make me weep on my short car ride home.

Am I just a hot tempered crazy Sicilian, or does shit like this drive anyone else to murder?


Mrs. Hall said...

Well, let me preface this by saying what I am about to say is said with bloggy blog friend love.

The problem is not the cans, nor the Mildred behind the counter, nor the ethnicity, nor the supermarket, the problem is you.

Practice tolerating your OCD linked unease/anxiety with supermarkets and people. Learn some breathing techinques for chrissakes. Challenge your growing irritation with being made to make small talk.

Challenge it just like you challenged your touching things with your left and right hand or making things even or whatnot.

Cause getting pissy is unbecoming. And there are enough old cranky bastards at the supermarket. And you seem like a good guy. Let that shit show!

ok enough bossing you here.

Anna Freud out!

Brittany said...

Although I think the first comment is literaly hilarious. I have to agree with you. I ALWAYS get the shopping cart that makes that loud shrill noise... I always get in the line that someone decided to whip out the coupon book, where they have to go through and find what coupon goes with what.. and the "ohhh wait I thought it was with this kind, can I just run back and grab another size." UGH!!! really? Ohh and nobody even notices that its a ten items or less isle. I am trying to get through with a carton of milk, and the person in front of me is buying 60 cans of catfood! ugh :)

2abes said...

can't the damn cat fend for itself? It has nine lives so no matter what it will still be around for a while. And hopefully, after a short while it should figure out how to take care of itself.

SK Waller said...

I'm with you, man, but I'm the one who has to do the shopping. I hate it. The only thing that gets me through is wearing my MP3 player. I used go in the middle of the night, but I had to deal with the shelf stockers blocking up the aisles and whole sections of the store being closed off because they're mopping the floors.

Even worse is when Nettl and I go together, because she's not the ramrod I am, and she goes s-l-o-w. I can get the same shit and be out the door in half the time.

Here where I live, we have the Uncle Dads and Aunt Moms with their missing teeth, buying their biscuits and gravy, and saying shit like, "Them ain't got no small eggs!"


Heff said...

I've found that passing MASSIVE amounts of gas while in line somehow manages to speed up the checkout process. The people in line complain, which in turn puts pressure on the cashier to finish up. Once, when I had only 1 item, I got the shit FREE just to leave.

Dr Zibbs said...

I don't mind shopping by myself. My wife is so slow it drives me up a wall.

meleah rebeccah said...

OMG! I need to get OTHER people to go food shopping for me too. I HATE It SOooooooo Much!

But this post? Hilarious!

Verdant Earl said...

I was gonna leave some nasty comment, but Holly Hall just pwned you so brilliantly that I don't think I can top it.

Holly for the win!

Bruce Johnson said...

You just described my every-day life in my office. I work with nothing but cashier like individuals that have to scan every single can.

One has to assume that the cashier is under orders to scan every can for two reason:

1) some cans might priced differently and

2) the more they scan, the more likely a scanner error will occur in the stores favor (cha-ching).

3) or three, they are idiots, which is the most likely.

I still have morons in my office that when given a list of numbers to add up, will still take out a paper tape calculator, while the Microsoft Excel icon sits unused on their windows desktop.

Bruce Johnson said...

.....ow, and as soon as I saw that Holly was the first to comment, I knew you were screwed.....never whine to a shrink....they just slam you back into the couch.

Suzi Q said...

I was annoyed as shit just reading that! Is there a self check out where you go or is that a whole different issue that I shouldn't bring up?

Mrs. Hall said...

@Bruce and Earl:

Dam right I win!!!

LOVED the comment about

"never whine to a shrink cause they'll just slam you back into the couch"


latindog said...

Of all the mudane chores, supermarket shopping is my favorite. Seriously. I am a aisle stroller and you'd probably hate to be stuck behind me at the checkout counter.

You know the Stop and Shop in your neck of the woods has the self checkout gun right? You point the gun at the can and basically check yourself out. Then you only have to pay at the register.

Evil Twin's Wife said...

I recommend the self check out lane. No small talk. No frustration.

sybil law said...

Don't you just say, "I have 60 cans of that food", so they won't have to remotely think? Most of the time, I just tell them and they're so grateful to not have to count or add they take my word for it. I should lie, but damn my honest gene!
Also, only wet food?
Don't they have pet stores there?
You've only left me with more questions, Slyde.
Not cool.

Shania said...

Mildred takes so long to scan the catfood so she can bask in your awesomeness. obviously

vixen kitten said...

Ok, Since I hate grocery stores too, I'm not much for that deep breathing, let your happy ass side show shit.

So, now, let me ask you, Why the hell are you shopping at a grocery store for cat food?

Petsmart, my friend. There are rarely lines if you go during the week. And, this is my favorite part, they have the HOTTEST little cashiers! *squee* Melt in your mouth delicious cuties. I always take my Honey pup with me, because then they don't just ring me up, they stop and fawn all over her!

There ya what's your next problem you need solved? :)


Artful Kisser said...

It is pretty much boring as batshit. However it is the prerogative of your regular 30-something housewife to mess with 15yo checkout boys. Nothing more entertaining than seeing one fumble with the microphone for a price check on vibrating condoms or the blush in his cheeks as he handles a pair of your undies while giving you a furtive glance.

Susan Higgins said...

Slyde... like you, I stack all like cans so that the scanning is easy. 1 out of 10 cashiers will know how to press one button to ring up multiple cans.

What I do is let them know that I've stacked the cans so that they can press the one button. 2 out of 10 know how to make the transaction a one button press. Now I say fuck it and don't bother stacking the cans.

I stopped buying cat food at the supermarket, I now go to Petco and buy 100 cans at a time (sometimes in their cases so it's a one ring transaction.)

Petco also has the best cat treats on the planet, "Greenies". The way the cats can hear the bag crinkle from the otherside of the house and then they come running, makes me wonder if there's Kitty Crack in them!

Sorry you hate shopping... try doing it with a demented mother AND your mother-in-law with you. It makes for an interesting experience... you will long for the day when you could shop alone!

Chris H said...

I hate grocery shopping too.. and I have to do it every week... so get over it you whimpy boy!

Vinomom said...

I was wondering the same thing that sibyl law said - Don't you just volunteer "hey there are sixty cans here" and then they push the x 60 button?

Also your cat is 15 years old? Jesus. I think it's hilarious that the Friz refuses to buy the catfood.

terri said...

And it's usually the YOUNG cashiers that can't quite figure out simple math or making change.

And don't you have a Petco or PetSmart where you can purchase these things? They are much less painful than the grocery store.

AlleyCat Runs said...

Dude! 2 words.



~The South Dakota Cowgirl~ said...

I'm gonna go with what AlleyCat said- baby! But you're right- most cashiers are idiots! Math isn't their strong suit. They can't count back change correctly either. Pisses. Me. Off.

The Ambiguous Blob said...

Sounds like you're on your period. All bitchy about dealing with regular life issues and human interaction. Humans are all unique, different creatures and hardly ever behave in the way that YOU would or the way that you want them to. Jesus, take a midol.
FYI- I get bitchy too. And weird stuff like that f@cking bitch with a capital C in the desk next to me chews with her mouth open, I have to stifle the urge to bitch-slap her until she cries like a baby.
But I genuinely like the woman otherwise. Ugh, I need a midol too.

Cocaine Princess said...

You could always have your groceries delivered. Many grocery stores have websites and offer home delivery.

Faiqa said...

I sort of know how you feel. Going grocery shopping always leaves me feeling a little dejected. Most of the time, I walk around believing that human beings are magnificent creatures, full of potential and hidden wisdom.

And then some woman on a cell phone blocks the aisle I'm trying to get through while her kid is throwing cans of chickpeas on the floor while I politely mumble, Excuse me, could you ... would you just.. if you don't mind... all the while thinking HEY BITCH? MOVE.

The thing is, I understand the self development approach that a few of the commenters have taken to this issue, hell, I try to practice it. However, I think trying to bury this kind of irritation by making it something to be fixed runs the risk of being counterproductive.

You can feel mean if you want to, the important thing is that you don't act mean or spread the meanness around. Own it, keep it in your pocket, post in on your blog. Mull over why you're so irritated, and analyze whether this pocketed irritation is something that truly needs fixing. Is is even worth fixing? Does it make your life or the lives of of others harder to live? If not, who cares. You're a grumpy Sicilian who hates the fact that the cashier can't total up cat food in an efficient manner. Who the fuck cares? The universe isn't perfect in its operation, so why do you have to be forced into perfected standards of behavior.

As long as nobody is being harmed, I fail to see the need to fix anything.

IOW, just don't actually ACT like a dick to Mildred when you're checking out, and it's all good in my book.

In the end, recognizing and accepting the validity of our own feelings as well as figuring out whether changing the way we feel is actually worth the effort is just as important as acting right.

Here endeth the obnoxiously long comment.

Slyde said...

faiqa: i have to say that out of all the comments, your well-versed post pretty much most closely resembles how i actually feel about the whole mess...

Anonymous said...

Andyschmandy, just go to Petco or something and buy a years supply in cases and be done with it. No need to muss around with idiotic cashiers counting individual cans.

Or better yet, if you really want to avoid all the aggravation just order online and have it shipped to your door. You got $ to burn on shipping anyway, right moneybags? :)

Nej said...

Start putting them in stacks of 10...12 is too much thinking for the late night cashier. Trust me on this one! :-)

Also....try to make it fun next time. If you know you're going to have the conversation....get yourself a good story going. Tell them that you are on a cat food used to weigh 627 pounds, and look at you now! Or, tell them you're feeding the children in the basement with it. It's cheap, and you only have to throw the can down the stairs, they've figured out how to open using the pull tab.