Monday, January 11, 2010

The Fastest Way To Almost Choke To Death



So, my son nearly killed me yesterday.

I was sitting down at our kitchen table, trying to eat a sandwich, when my son walks up to me, out of nowhere, and tells me:

“Daddy, my friends at school, Gina and Olivia, like to touch my friend Trevor’s winky.”

Not quite believing what I heard, I gasped and almost choked on my sandwich.

Thinking I surely must have heard him wrong, I finally managed to (quite eloquently) stammer out:

“Wh……. What?”

“Gina and Oliva. They like to touch Trevor’s winky. He doesn’t like when they touch it, but they force him and then do it anyway.”

Since it seemed to work so smashingly the first time, I once again followed up with:

“Wh……. What?”

“I tried to get them to touch mine, but they didn’t feel like it”

I was on a roll: “You… they…. Did what?”

“Yeah, I took it out to show it to them, but no one seemed to care. I even tried to shove it into their hands, but no one wanted to grab it”

Holy Shit where the FUCK was Friz? I COULD NOT handle this conversation! I could not BELIEVE what it SOUNDED like we were suddenly discussing.

“I like it when people play with MY winky”

I thought “Well shit, me too!”, but I’m pretty sure that I didnt have THAT epiphany until Junior High!

He must have finally caught his breath long enough to notice that I was about to collapse from not having taken a breath in the last 2 minutes.

He looked at me and said, “Daddy, what’s wrong? YOU like playing with my winky, don’t you?”

It’s not very often where I find myself speechless, but THAT little gem sure as Hell did it for me.
I was about to just break down in the fetal position and cry, when I FINALLY saw what he was talking about.

In fact, he had his “winky” in his hand the whole time we were talking.

Ladies and Gents, meet Winky.










That’s right. Winky is the name of his latest Zhu Zhu pet.

What a relief THAT was!

Now I'd like to put this whole sordid conversation behind me, as soon as i change my underwear and can find a way to dye my hair back to its natural color.

37 comments:

mo.stoneskin said...

Gosh. What a name. Ah, I hope you then calmly hid the fact you shat yourself and told him to tell Fritz the same thing. Or to ring some other family members - you could listen in on the other line, listen to them struggle in the conversation!

Brittany said...

BAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

This is PRICELESS!!!!!

:)

Mrs. Holly Hall said...

wait, what does the sarah palin photo have to do with this?

and good lord thankfully it turned out ok!

;)

small bites Slyde, small bites :)

sybil law said...

Oh holy hell! That was hysterical!! (beth nies - find me on facebook! )

Just telling it like it is said...

Ohh its better just wait...My son said Ma can I ask you something from a 14 yr. old brain...Nurse mode
He said what do I do when I have an erection in class? I said push it up your not the only one who has this problem...

B.E. Earl said...

Hey, dude...what would it take for you to play with my winky? A bottle of wine and a nice dinner, maybe?

Evil Twin's Wife said...

I would have been stroking out after the first statement!

Arielle Lee Bair said...

I just laughed my ass off.

vinomom said...

I was just dying. That was hilarious.

Is that a true story?

Steph said...

Oh my God, this is the best blog entry I've read in months. I'm seriously laughing here.

justsomethoughts... said...

you might want to talk to him about the birds and the winkies
wont be long, slyde.
and then you should post a video blog of the conversation
i can personally guarantee about 100 comments

Karen said...

LOL. I needed a laugh. And that sure is a great looking Winky ;-)

James said...

Kids. They age you.

Nat said...

Hahaha! Thanks for a funny start to the day!
Winky looks awfully like a toy you get for cats....one with a string that you pull and it shoots across the floor.

Caz said...

hahaha that has made my day!!

Secretia said...

You got me, I know the kids start young today, but holy....

Secretia

2abes said...

outstanding...the guy who named this little toy winky is laughing his ass off every day

i am the diva said...

ohmygod, i thought that was going in such a wrong direction... your little Mini Me is frikkin' hilarious... especially when he doesn't know it. :D

Bina said...

Holy Shit. I would have thought the same thing!!!! Talk about a heart stopping chat with your son! Glad it was just a freaking hamster!

Dr Zibbs said...

Hahahhaha!

Real Live Lesbian said...

I'm kinda wanting one now. I think I'll name him Cooter! ;)

LMFAO....great story!

Susan Higgins said...

You made me laugh so hard that I am crying.

As I read, I was thinking... holy shit, is that considered sexual harrassment....

AHAHAHAHAHA!

You definitely win the prize for a wicked funny blog post.

Kaylen said...

omg- that's hilarious!!!!
I can see this conversation happening with a teacher...who would stop the conversation and involve the principal....who would stop the conversation and call cps.

latindog said...

My son recently won a toy bird that swings back and forth on a fake branch. He named him "pecker" because he looked like a woodpecker.

Thankfully, I was there when he named it and haven't had a moment like this.

Lemur said...

If you keep posting about touching other winkys, Earl and Latindog are gonna get jealous...I'm just sayin'

Cocaine Princess said...

Oh my I didn't know what to think as I was reading this because I actually thought for a minute.....

Your label: Come on Slyde, your winky must be worth more than a dollar.

Meghan said...

Wow, the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree, eh?

Great story.

Bruce said...

I knew in the beginning that those battery powered little plushies were a bad idea.

~ A Moxie Mom said...

LOL. I seriously have tears streaming down my face from laughing so hard. (The entire time I was praying please let me NEVER have this conversation with my son).

BTW: I updated the post to answer any "pay off" confusion. I was pretty vague as to the "why".

~The South Dakota Cowgirl~ said...

I was giggling so hard during this. Hilarious!

Ookami Snow said...

That is the funniest thing I have read in awhile! :)

Faiqa said...

Wow, I went through a range of emotions on this one... from horror to hilarity. You're a star, my friend.

white rabbit said...

And the connection with Sarah Palin - erm - winking would be???

Does she play with people's winkies?

I think we should be tokd.

white rabbit said...

Or told even - always edit nodnod

Slyde said...

lol! Since my post had to deal mostly with "winky", i thought the pic of sarah doing ever annoying famous winking would be cleverly funny.

It took me HOURS to come up with that.

No it didnt.

meleah rebeccah said...

I am CRACKING Up. Cracking Up! What a funny post. Thankfully 'Winky' is a stuffed animal!

Nej said...

I'd just leave the hair the way it is dude. You may as well wait until he's at least out of high school. :-)