Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Hair-Raising

Yeah, I know, I haven’t posted in a week, but that’s because I always take most of December off each year, and this go-round is no exception.  And as we all know, if I’m not working, I’m not blogging.
What, you think I’m gonna spend time trying to entertain you on my OWN time?
Anyway, because the gods of fate are indeed cruel to me, I ended up getting called in to work today, so as I sit here in an almost empty office, doing nothing, I figured I might as well crank out one more post for 2010.
Not that this post is a gem or anything.  But I was sitting here planning out my annual New Year’s Eve party, and I got to thinking about last year’s near-catastrophe, which THEN made me think of the video below.
You’ve all seen this by now, I’m sure.  It happened about 2 weeks ago at that asshat Puff Daddy’s House Party (whatever the hell THAT is).  For some reason, Puff Daddy seems to think that when he has a party and tries to get laid, he should videotape it because he thinks it’s something we’d all love to see.
Unfortunately for him, this time he was right. 




All I can think of every time I see this is…. “Better this Ho’s hair than my living room again!”
Anyway, here’s hoping that Santa was good to all my little sexy elves out there. I miss you all, and promise to stop by your places again in the new year. You know, when I’m working again and all….

Happy New Years, everybody! Be safe and have fun!

Friday, December 17, 2010

All This Because I Wanted More Inches


So, because I don’t spend enough time playing games on my computer, I decided that this year I wanted to do what all the COOL geeks are doing: I wanted to purchase THREE big widescreen computer monitors, and hook ‘em all up like the picture above.


So I asked Friz about it, knowing that the hardware I wanted to buy wouldn’t be cheap, and much to my surprise, she said “Sure! Go for it!”

Now, I’m experienced enough to know by now that when she gives me carte blanche like that to buy some ridiculously expensive toy that I want but don’t really need, it USUALLY means that she has ALREADY decided to spend an even GREATER amount of money on some shit for the house, usually without asking me.

Regardless, when I got the go-ahead to purchase all this equipment on-line, I asked no questions like a good child and just did as I was told. The monitors came the other day, and I’ve been having a blast gaming all week. Last night I was chopping off Zombie heads in Left For Dead in 72 inches of bloody widescreen heaven!

Never once did I think it would come back to bite me in THIS way.

Come with me now as I, recall in perfect detail, our conversation from last night:

“Me: Hey, you haven’t asked me what I want for Christmas yet.”

“Her: What do you mean?”

“Me: I mean, there’s only like 1 week left till the big day, and you haven’t gotten me anything yet. You’d better get a move on because I don’t want to be surprised with some crappy sweater.”

“Her: What are you talking about? You already GOT your Christmas present for this year.”

“Me: Huh?”

"Her: You heard me."

“Me: I did? Well where the Hell is it? It’s not the meatloaf we had last night, is it? Because, while it was indeed tasty, I don’t think it qualifies as something I’d want under the tree on Christmas morning.”

“Her: No, smartass…. I’m talking about your new computer monitors.”

“Me: My monitors? They weren’t a present….. I ordered them myself! I PAID for them myself! With my OWN money!”

“Her: That doesn’t matter. You’re money is MY money. “

“Me: Since when?”

“Her: Since forever. I told you that you could buy them, but they were your Christmas present.”

“Me: You can’t do that! There was NO disclaimer that if I bought these monitors that it would be my Christmas present!”

“Her: I didn’t HAVE to say it. It was understood.”

“Me: By who? Cause it sure as shit wasn’t understood by me!”

“Her: Well, now you’re up to speed. Those monitors are your Christmas present.”

“Me: You really can’t do that. It defies the rules of Christmas!”

“Her: A) No it doesn’t, and B) You’re being an ass.”

“Me: Ok, let me ask you something.”

“Her: Shoot”

“Me: When was the last time you bought anything for yourself?”

“Her: Me? Hmmm let’s see. Oh yeah, I bought those new boots for myself last month.”

“Me: Yeah, I remember those. How much did they cost?”

“Her: They weren’t cheap. I think they ran me about 200 dollars”

“Me: I see. “

“Her: You see what? Why do you want to know about my new boots?”

“Me: Do you like your new boots? I mean, are you happy with them?”

“Her: Am I happy with them? Yeah, I guess so. I’ve been wearing them so I guess I like them.”

“Me: Well, those boots are YOUR Christmas present from me!”

“Her: Wait, what? No they aren’t!”

“Me: Yup, I hope you like them. Merry Christmas!”

“Her: I could fucking strangle you right now if I thought that I could get away with it”

“Me: You should. At least you’d have some of your new outfit already bought for the trial!”



Anyway, I still stand by my assertion that I just got jipped out of present under the tree.

And yes, I DID really get her something else. I just needed to have some fun at her expense.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Mixed Nuts

So, being the awesome Uber-Daddy that I am, tomorrow I will be the class parent on Mini-Me’s school field trip.


We are going to see the Nutcracker.

Now, I have a bit of a confession to make.

I’ve never been one for the Ballet.

Now don’t get all uppity with me. Believe me, I understand the art, and the beauty, and the incredible dedication it takes to point yourself on your tippy toes and all that nonsense, but the truth is that actually having to sit thru the whole thing for a few hours always just seemed like an ‘ordeal’ to me.

I mean, I appreciate the work and dedication that proctologists have to go thru to learn their craft, but that doesn’t mean that I want to sit in and watch some old biddy get a colonoscopy anytime soon….

What was I talking about again?

Oh yeah, the ballet. Like I said, I just don’t get it.

Plus, besides the whole ‘boredom’ thing getting to me, I’m just slightly worried about what ‘kind’ of nutcracker we’ll be seeing.

You know what I’m talking about, right?

What I’m saying is…. I want to see THIS kind of nutcracker….





…. And not THIS kind of nutcracker.



I totally agree that it’s childish and immature of me, but watching guys prance around all commando like this makes me a tad uncomfortable. I mean, we all know what I’M looking at, and I know what YOU are looking at, and we BOTH know what the people sitting NEXT to me are looking at, but we all will sit there pretending like no one is looking at the outline of some guys hog dancing around in front of me.

Call me old-fashioned, but I’d rather not be seeing any guy’s junk flapping around in my face…….

…. unless he buys me a drink first, of course.

Monday, December 13, 2010

With 6 You Get Eggroll


Since this is my last working week of the year before taking my yearly Christmas stay-cation , I’ve been ESPECIALLY busy around the office.

And by “busy”, I mean that I am fucking around on the internet much more than usual.

Since my job restricts pretty much EVERYTHING, I can’t really get to any cool sites (I can’t even get here to Slydesblog, for gosh sakes… the only way I can post here during the day is through cyber-techie nerd trickery!), but every once in a while, I DO manage to find a cool website that will occupy some of my time.

Today I found THIS one…

It’s basically an IMDB movie-ish kinda site, but I have had a great deal of fun looking at the listing, by year, of what movies opened up on which days.

Then I thought it would be fun to see what movie came out the closest to the day I was born (without going over).

For me, it was the wonderful Doris Day/Burt Landcaster classic With Six You Get Eggroll!

Barf.

Actually, I have to cop to remembering watching this one with my parents back when I was a kid, and at least back then, I didn’t totally hate it, and it DID have a ridiculously young George Carlin in it, so I guess it wasn’t ALL bad…..

But I’m STILL pissed that if only my birthday was 2 weeks later, my movie would have been Night Of The Living Dead, which would have been oh so much more fitting.

Ok, Feedback time! What movie came out closest to the day YOU were born?

Spolier: I already looked up Earl’s….


Wednesday, December 08, 2010

Wouldn’t You Like To See ME Like This?


C’mon, you know you would, right?


Naked, tanned, glistening with sweat?

I think I just turned MYSELF on. I might have to take a moment to compose myself.

……

Ok, I’m back. Where was I?

Oh yeah, the reason I’m posting….

CBS announced yesterday that they are holding on-line web auditions this week for Survivor!

As some of you might remember, I am fairly obsessed with the show.

I’ve applied 2 times in the past. The first time I applied (which would have been for Survivor 3: Africa), I had actually made it past the first round of the interview process.

THIS is my time. I can feel it.

I WILL be on that show …..

And I had a great idea for a video, too. It involved Mini-Me and I doing a cute little routine. It was comedy gold! Gold, I tells ya!

The only problem is, last night CBS put out the rules for the video, and having anyone OTHER than yourself in the video is now a big no-no.

Anyway, here are the rules:

- You must answer the question, “Why do YOU think you can win Survivor?”


- Videos must be between 30 and 60 seconds, not 1 second longer!


- No music, lyrics, or anything copyrighted can appear


- No survivor logos or images or former contestants


- Only I can be in the video ( I said that already!)



From there, in January CBS will pick 10 of their favorites and have people vote on them, based on creativity (25%), feasibility of winning (25%), personality (25%), and body language (25%).

Ok, why did I post all this stuff?

Isn’t it obvious? I need a good idea, dammit, and I need YOU all to come up with one for me!

Seriously, I’ll do anything. If I like what you have to say, I’ll commit to doing it. I am going to try to upload a video this weekend, so if you have a good idea, for the love of all that is Holy, tell me quick!

And if your idea DOES get me on the show, I will perform as much hot, sweaty, monkey-sex on you that you can stand.

See? We ALL win!

Monday, December 06, 2010

Damn The Dutch

For the past few months, I keep hearing more and more about this movie. It’s kinda taken the Indie and Foreign horror market by storm.

Has anyone actually seen this film yet?

The Human Centipede (First Sequence) is a Dutch horror film. The film tells the story of a German doctor who kidnaps three tourists and joins them surgically, mouth to anus, forming a "human centipede".

I totally did not make any of that shit up!

Yup, a mad doctor kidnaps 3 young students (2 of them are hot chicks, the other a dude). Being a mad doctor, he of course can’t settle for just killing them or ripping their tops off to play with their boobies….

….no, the responsible physician in THIS tale decides to experiment and see what would happen if he surgically grafted 3 people ass to mouth and let them run around on the floor like a giant Zhu Zhu Pet.



Look, as many of you know, I’m as up for a good horror movie as anyone. I even enjoy many of the torture porn movies like Saw and Hostel and the like, but try as I might, I just haven’t been able to pull the trigger on watching this one yet.

Even though I haven’t seen it yet, many other people have. I think it has now been responsible for more people throwing up in the theatre than Iron Man 2.

In any event, the movie has been popular enough that there is a sequel coming out soon.

That’s right, The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence), has been planned for theaters in 2011, with filming started in London in June 2010. The plot of Full Sequence involves a centipede made from TWELVE people, because I guess after seeing 3 people grafted ass-to-face, the only way to really up the ante was to make it an even dozen.

I WILL get the courage to watch this soon.

Just don’t expect me to feel sexy afterwards….

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

Conversations From Last Night

Her: Could you do me a favor?

Him: Sure. What’s up?

Her: Could you please stop just THROWING your shoes in the hall closet? They pile up into a big mountain and it’s annoying.

Him: Really?

Her: Yes. It’s annoying to open the closet and see a pyramid of shoes looking at me.

Him: You think the shoes are looking at you?

Her: You know what I mean.

Him: Do I?

Her: You’re going to give me a hard time about this, aren’t you?

Him: Yes, I surely am.

Her: Why?

Him: Why? Why? Because EVERY DAMN DAY when I come home from work, I open the front door, take ONE step inside, and routinely fall flat on my ass because when YOU come home YOU KICK OFF YOUR SHOES AND LEAVE THEM RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE DOOR FOR ME TO TRIP OVER!

Her: You’ve never tripped over my shoes….

Him: I’ve never NOT tripped over your shoes! I’VE Tripped over them, your son has tripped over them…. I’m pretty sure everyone who has ever stepped foot into this house has tripped over them!

Her: Now you’re exaggerating…

Him: Am I? Go ask your son how many times I have walked into this house carrying packages and ended up looking like I’m a fucking plate-spinner in a fucking carnival act as I try to hold on to what I’m carrying while I’m sailing across the hallway on one of your discarded high heels!

Her: Have you ever REALLY gotten hurt?

Him: No, but that’s only because I have catlike reflexes.

Her: Why are you being a dick?

Him: Because I have to wonder why it’s a priority to make sure that the shoes that I have put safely away in the closet MUST be in a neat row, but you choose to fly by the seat of your pants when it comes to me getting assaulted every time I walk into this house like I’m Inspector Clouseau!

Her: You can never make anything easy, can you?

Him: Sure!  I can EASILY crack my fucking head open every time I put my key in the door!  Would that work for you?

Her: You’re an ass. I married an ass.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Royally Embarrassed

Holy Shit, my kid is going to be the death of me one of these days….

Last week Mini-Me had a book fair at his school, so being the Uber-Dad that I am, when he asked me to please come, I told him I would.

All you parents have been to one of these things, haven’t you? The school decides to sell books to kids, and the kids are all gung-ho about it not because they love to read, but because they get to miss class for 30 minutes.

So, I showed up and Mini-Me, bless his heart, came running over to me with a big proud grin on his face and gave me a big hug. I wonder how many more years I am going to get that kind of reaction from him. Probably not too many.

Anyway, the greeting I received almost made the whole trip worthwhile.

Almost.

Actually, things were going swimmingly at first. We picked out a new Goosebumps book to buy, which is fine by me since I am the designated story-reader every night and I swear by all that is holy if I have to read Skippyjon Jones one more fucking time I think I am going to kill someone.

Anyway, as we were standing there, browsing the books on the big, oak library shelves, my son decided that it would be a dandy idea to throw his body against one of the shelves and lean into it. Just to test a theory he had on Momentum, I guess.

Now here’s the rub. Because the book fair was held in the gym, these shelves were on wheels, and therefore perhaps didn’t have the solid footing that they would have had if they had been place firmly on terra firma.

Regardless, my son should NOT have decided to lean into it.

Anyway, I was looking down at the book in my hand, when suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I saw the world start to move.

I looked up to see, to my horror, that this huge honkin’ bookshelf was beginning to teeter over!

Being the take charge man of action that I am, I dropped what I was holding and tried to grab the monstrosity before it reached its tipping point.

Wanna know how THAT went?

Here’s a hint. Did you ever see one of those lame comedies where some bumbling idiot walks into a library and tips over a shelf, and it knocks into another shelf, which hits another, and then, like a set of dominos, the entire library crashes into each other biggety bam? Scenes like that in the movies usually end with the pissed off librarian yelling “GET OUUUUUT!”

Yeah, well that’s basically what happened next.

The fucking crash was DEAFENING, as the bookshelves collided together and hit the floor.

Seriously, it was a disaster area. Tattered and bent Juny B Jones and Spongebob covers the floor like confetti.

Kids started screaming. Mothers started screaming. I’m pretty sure I started screaming.

After the dust settled, I turned around in horror to see about 200 pissed off adults all looking at me like I was Satan incarnate.

That’s when I realized that every damn person there thought that I was the one who knocked over the bookshelves.

What is a father to do? I was VERY tempted to point to the fat kid in the corner who was laughing at me, and yell out, “Hey, it wasn’t me! It was that little shit over there!”, but in the end, I took my dirty stares like a man. After all, Mini-Me was near tears himself and I wasn’t about to give him up.

I’m selfish, but not THAT selfish.

I wonder if my invitation to be the class parent to take the kids to see The Nutcracker next month is gonna be revoked?

P.S. Sorry for no posting last week. Broken record, I know. My excuse this time is that I had the week off, and as you all know: No Workie, No Bloggy.

P.P.S. Thanks to all of you who have been helping me test my blog to see if we can fix the issue that some people are having.

P.P.S. No, it’s still broken.

P.P.P.S. Fuck you, Internet.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Can You Look Sexy Wearing A Bite Plate?

Because if anyone can do it, By God, I’m gonna try!

My dentist told me that because I grind my teeth at night that I need to wear a bite plate.

I’ve been TRYING to wear the damnable contraption for a few nights now, but the thing hurts like the dickens. It’s nowhere NEAR comfortable enough for me to try to wear for the entire night and get a decent night’s sleep.

The pain of wearing this thing all night would be the equivalent of hiring someone to stand over me while I’m sleeping and periodically punch me in the balls every few hours.

Actually, that sounds mildly better than having this fucking horse bridle strapped inside my mouth all night.

I keep telling my dentist that it’s hurting me, so he keeps telling me to come back in, and then he makes some inconsequential ‘adjustment’ to it, and tells me to try it again.

And again. And again.

Seriously, I’ve been to the dentist 9 times in the past 2 weeks. I don’t see my SON that often! A few more visits and I think it will be safe to say that my dentist and I are officially dating.

At least he’s a good kisser.

Wait, what?

TMI?

Anyway……..

What I want to know is….. does anyone else out there have to wear one of these things? And if so, is YOURS comfortable?

Because MY dentist told me that ultimately this thing should be “refreshing” (his words) when I pop it in.

And right now, it’s the farthest fucking thing from “refreshing” as it CAN be…

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Saturday Night Live Made Me Laugh This Week, Part Deux

Dammit! This is the kinda shit that happens now that i cant actually SEE what the fuck im posting while here at work. Ok, the link to the last post should be much bettererer now...

Saturday Night Live Made Me Laugh This Week

Everyone knows that I have this sick fascination with Saturday Night Live, right?

I've talked about this before.  I'm not sure why, but I just cannot bring myself to ever miss an episode.  I haven't missed one in about 10 years now.

The weird thing is, I'm really not sure why.  99% of the time that I finish watching it, I think to myself, "Self, you just wasted 90 minutes of your damn time"

Sure, more often than not the show sucks donkey testes, but sometimes, just sometimes, they do something like this that gives me a good chuckle.

As you may have heard, Lorne Micheals dumped about half of the old cast this year, and recruited a few complete newbies.  The black guy below (who's name I keep forgetting and who's name I am too lazy to look up) is one of them.  From what i can tell, all he pretty much does is a Denzel Washington impression.  Seriously.... that's all they keep doing with him on the show.

But he does it SO damn well.....

Chugga Chugga Choo Choo!




Thursday, November 11, 2010

The Birds Do It, The Bees Do It…

Well, I finally broke down and got my son a pair of gerbils over the weekend.


That statement in itself is absolutely ASTOUNDING to me, since Friz has sworn since the beginning of time that Hell would freeze over before we ever had something that looks like a rat in our house as a pet.

Ah, but Mini-Me can be quite persuasive when he looks at you with those big brown doe eyes and that little cherub face….

So, defying all logic, Friz came to me last week and told me that we should let Mini-Me pick out some gerbils for his birthday.

Now, I know absolutely NOTHING about gerbils. ALL I KNEW was that I wanted 2 boys, because from what I learned in 9th grade Biology, that should pretty much nix any chance that I would have to deal with gerbil babies.

So, my son was on cloud 9 when we got to the pet store. When the clerk showed us the gerbils he had in stock, we saw that they had 7 black gerbils, and 1 white one.

Of course my son HAD to have the white one.

The problem was that the white one was female.

So, being the intellectual giant that I am, I quickly formulated a new ingenious strategy.

“Ok, let’s just get 2 girls then”, I said.

After all, I’ve seen plenty of movies where 2 girls get it on, and in NOT ONE OF THEM have I ever seen any babies as a result.

In the end, we welcomed 2 new additions to the Slyde home…..

Storm:




And Lightning:



I have to admit, the little girls are pretty cute, and fun to play with. In fact, everything was going swimmingly until this past Monday, when I heard my son start screaming from his room.

When I got there, THIS is what I saw:



Yup, apparently Lightning grew up on the wrong side of the tracks, because now, after having these things for 5 days, we are the proud owners of FOUR FUCKING NEW BABY GERBILS!

Needless to say, I was none too fucking happy. I spoke to the pet store and they said that as long as we take care of the little guys for 4 weeks while the mother nurses them, they will gladly take the pups off our hands.

But meanwhile, I sit in front of the cage every night like an expectant father, cringing every time one of the little guys looks like he’s in trouble. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gently nudged one of them back into their house after their misguided mommy carried them somewhere in the cage, and then promptly forgot about them to scamper off for a few hours running herself silly in the gerbil wheel.

Anyway, so far so good on the baby-rearing front. All 4 babies seem to be doing ok, and happily peep and chirp the night away.

This is SO not what I signed up for.

Anyone want to give some pets a good home?

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

I Feel Pretty, Oh So Pretty


So, I shaved my legs last week.

What, doesn't EVERYBODY?

First off, sorry for leaving you for over a week, after I specifically told all you sexy people that I wouldn't leave you like that again.  But, I had a good reason, you see.  My father was visiting me from sunny Florida for the last two weeks, and real life kinda went out the window for a bit.

But now he's gone, and I'm back to delight you.

Anyhoo, if the start of this post didn't grab you, then I don't know what will.

I was dared to do something different this year at a friend's Halloween party, and not just come as my usual undead/zombie/Jason/monster kinda thing. 

Something a bit more ballsy.

Never let it be said that I don't have balls.

So, I decided to do what EVERY red-blooded American lad does when he's told to man up.....

I dressed like a girl.


Aren't I a treat to the eyes?

The frightening thing about my killer looks is that, try as I might to make myself look foolish, no matter what I do, I continue to be one sexy bitch.


Behold:  This pic shows the shocking evidence of some drunk dude trying to have his way with me:




Friz wasn't going to stand for anyone laying their paws on her gorgeous man, so she clung to me all night:



I must say, shaving my legs was quite the experience.  It took MUCH longer than I thought it would, but when it was over, I must admit that it felt kinda nice.  I don't think I ever want the hair to come back in.  Maybe I'll just go the "Full Monty" and treat myself to a bikini wax.

And don't even get me STARTED on wearing makeup!  Friz was pissed when I got disappointed that she didn't have any eyeliner or makeup in any "hooker" colors... I just assumed all you chicks had that shit stashed somewhere.  Anyway, as she applied my eyeliner, she told me that most girls would KILL for my eyelashes.

Here's me giving my coquettish "who me?" look. 

Isn't that just DEAD sexy?

Feel free to make that your new wallpaper.  No one can blame you.

Anyway, I will try my darnedest to get back to a regular schedule, and to get back to reading all your blogs, which I have not done for 2 weeks now.

And anyone looking for a good time Saturday night, give me a ring.  I'm easy.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

You've Set Your DVRs, Right?


For What?

You're kidding, right?

For the very first episode of The Walking Dead, which starts tonight on AMC, of course!

I don't have time to blather on right now about how kick-ass this show is gonna be, since Mini-Me and I are headed out to go Trick Or Treating, but if you won't take MY word for it, check out the trailer below:



Now lets all remember to watch tonight, so next week we can discuss.

Class dismissed!

Thursday, October 28, 2010

It's The Great Pumpkin!

What's this?

I NEVER post two days in a row?

This is madness!

Madness? 

NO, THIS ..... IS..... SPARTA!!!!!!

Wait, what was I posting about?

Oh yeah......

Today, and today only, my submissive prison bitch Earl is running a Pumpkin Carving contest. 

If I wasn't such a selfish prick I probably should have posted about it here earlier, so you all could have sent in your submissions.

But, since ONE of those submissions is from Yours Truly, having even MORE entries would have hurt my chances to win. 

And I need to win.  Oh yes, I do need to win.

After all, winning nothing but Hot Body contests over and over again begins to get stale after a while.  I'd like to change things up a bit and win something that focuses on my creativity over my killer pecs.

Anyway, head on over there from THIS link and vote!  The contest ends at midnight today, so get your sexy buns over there NOW!

Which pumpkin is MINE, you might ask?

Easy!  It's the BEST one!

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Am I Going To Hell?


A coworker, who is a diehard Mets fan, looked upset earlier today as I walked past his cubicle.  I noticed that he was reading a news story on the internet.

When I asked him what the problem was, he moved aside to show me what he was reading.  The news article read:

Official scorer for Major League Baseball Bill Shannon dies in West Caldwell house fire


Acting Essex County Prosecutor Robert D. Laurino announced Tuesday that Bill Shannon, 69, an official scorer for Major League Baseball, died in a house fire in West Caldwell this morning.

He began to explain to me that Mr. Shannon, who had been an announcer for the Mets for many years, was always one of his favorites.

"Thats too bad", I said.  "But they wrote the wrong title for his obituary"

"What do you mean?"

"It should have read..... Fire 1, Announcer 0!"

Apparently, my lack of showing the proper amount of sympathy for Mr. Shannon's untimely demise  prompted my aggitated friend to utter the mandate that I should go right to H - E - Double Hockey Sticks, before storming off.

I have a feeling that I wont be invited to his Christmas party this year.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Dr. Giggles

My dentist blows.
I mean, he doesn’t “blow”, of course. 
I mean, he sucks.
Wait, that didn’t come out right either.
Why does everything I try to say come out sexual?
Anyway, regardless of the issue of whether or not my dentist enjoys performing fellacio,  what I MEANT to say is that he REALLY pissed me off this weekend.
I had an appointment for 9A.M. Saturday morning.
Anyone who knows me knows that I am not a “9.A.M. Saturday Morning” kind of person, so getting my sexy ass to a dental appointment at that time amounted to nothing short of a Herculean effort on my part.  Although I don’t look like it, I really DO need my beauty sleep.
Anyway, Saturday morning my alarm went off, so I threw on some clothes and sleep-drove my way over to the office.
No sooner did I walk in, when the receptionist looked at me with a troubled face and told me:
“I’m sorry, our pipes burst here this morning, so we can’t see anyone today. “
“Are you kidding me?”
“I’m sorry, but I’m not kidding.  I’ve been calling people to cancel appointments since I arrived”
She’d been calling people to cancel appointments since she arrived? 
Now, I don’t have the superior mindset to have yet climbed the corporate ladder high enough to have had the chance to obtain the lofty position of “Dental Office Receptionist”, but By Gosh, if I ever do, I’m gonna make sure that when I need to cancel appointments, I’M FIRST GONNA FUCKING CALL THE FUCKING PEOPLE  WHO WERE DUE TO COME IN AT 9 FUCKING A.M.!!!!!!!!
Who the hell did she call first… the 3 o’ clock gingivitis emergency? 
Maybe she sorted her appointment list by middle initial, and decided to call people in THAT order instead, just to change things up a little?
Or perhaps she decided to call people in order of penis size? 
Ascending order, of course…….

Friday, October 22, 2010

You’ve Got To Know When To Fold

I’ve got a bit of a confession to make.

For the past few months, I have been slightly obsessed with playing poker.

Specifically, Texas Hold ‘em.

It all started innocently enough…. Some friends organized a poker night over the summer, and it was great fun. I have always enjoyed playing poker, but I’ve never really had the outlet to play it too often.

Then, the strangest thing happened: I found this new invention called The Internet.

And you know what? Aside from housing a remarkably large collection of pornography (which i hear is apparently fairly popular), the intenet also has sites where you can gamble on-line!

Wait, let me get this straight: I can go to the internet, give the friendly computer salesman my credit card, and play 10-Man Texas Hold ‘em WHENEVER I WANT?

Holy Crap this isn’t good.

I’ve been playing on one of these sites, PlayersOnly.com, for about 2 months now, and since I haven’t lost my house in a big pot yet, I think I’ll be playing for awhile longer.

Actually, I haven’t lost THAT much yet, but it’s only a testament to my unbelievably strong will-power (and piercing brown eyes) that I haven’t lost a sinful amount of money so far.

It’s actually an outstanding website. And you can play poker (or blackjack, or anything really) any time you choose. No matter the time of day, there are always THOUSANDS of people on, playing anything from standard poker, to Texas Hold ‘em, to Omaha rules, to whatever. There are literally thousands of variants, letting you always get a game of EXACTLY the kind of poker you want to play.

My current obsession is Double Or Nothing. 10 people play standard Texas Hold ‘em, with a one-time buy-in getting you $1,500 in chips. The catch in this game, however, is that you are not required to be the last man standing. In THIS variant, you only have to be one on the final 5 players at the table to DOUBLE your money! The other five players all get a nice helping of jack and squat.

It REALLY is a very fun way to play. Even if I have come in 6th place (thereby JUST missing the money) a MADDENING amount of times.

Anyway, this weekend I will undoubtedly be online, trying my hand in just ONE more game.

After all, Mini-Me needs his college tuition, doesn’t he?

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

The End Of My Rope

I’ve just about had it.

As I have mentioned/bitched/ranted about previously, there is something wrong with this site.

And no, you wiseasses, I don’t mean that there is obviously something wrong with this site because its ME running it…..

…. I mean that there has been, for over 2 months now, something going on with this site that is preventing a large amount of you all from getting here.

When I first started getting emails from some people saying that they couldn’t get here anymore, I dismissed them as kooks. After all, only kooks come here, right?

But as the emails and Facebook messages continued to come in, I started to realize that maybe these people weren’t so kooky after all.

Being the Take Charge kind of stud that I am, at first I did what I always do when there is an immediate crisis. I pretended that it wasn’t happening and hoped it would just fix itself and go away.

It hasn’t.

I have tried speaking with my domain hosting company, who tell me that they don’t see anything wrong, and think it must be a Google thing.

I have tried posting on the Google Blogger forums, and the general consensus by the asshats who think hanging out in Google forums all day is cool is that they have never heard of such a problem, have no idea what it could be, and were generally NO help whatsoever.

Whatever it is, it’s an odd problem to be sure. Some of you are getting a PAGE CAN NOT BE DISPLAYED error when you try to come here. Some of you are getting a DNS Unresolved Hostname error. Some of you can come here, but are unable to leave a comment. Some of you can read me fine and dandy in your feed readers, but get any combination of the above errors when you actually try to come here.

And some of you can still get here with no problems whatsoever. My own work computer gives me the DNS error, but I can still get here fine from home.

I am officially stumped. Granted, thinking isn’t my strong suit. I’m really all looks and no brains.

But regardless, I have to do something, anything, to get us back on track here.

I am going to go to war ONE MORE TIME with my domain hosting company, because I really believe the issue is with them. I’ll likely do this sometime this week. In the meanwhile, if you ARE having trouble getting here, could you please email me at apedone at optonline dot net and tell me exactly what error you are getting (exact message, work computer or home computer, when exactly you get the error, etc)? I will try to compile any info you guys give me and pass it along.

Provided THAT gets me nowhere (which is likely), I am forced to start thinking about just creating a new blog, and importing all the content over to the new one, and trying to start over. My fear in THAT regard is that once I redirect SLYDESBLOG to the new site, I am going to start having the same problems.

If THAT happens, if you open your bedroom window just a crack, wherever you live, you will undoubtedly hear me screaming my bloody head off.

I hope it doesn’t come to me having to switch blogs. I’d lose all my followers, and I’m not sure how it would affect all you sexy things that subscribe to me in your feed readers.

But all those problems are secondary to fixing this issue once and for fucking all.

Does ANYBODY have ANY ideas? Im all ears (and biceps, of course).

Friday, October 15, 2010

Where I’m At

Sorry to you all for abandoning you for almost 2 weeks.

As always, it was never my intention. Real life unfortunately reared up and kicked us right in the hinder last week.

My Father In Law, who was one of the best people I ever had the pleasure of knowing, lost his two year battle with cancer last week.

He was a good man, and a noble spirit. He had more responsibilities on his broad shoulders than most people could handle in a lifetime, and he carried those responsibilities for years without ever uttering one word of protest or regret. Those of you who know me know to which I speak.

I had the honor of calling him my father in law, as well as my friend, and I will miss him.

To all you kind soles who sent us your well-wishes through Facebook, phone, or in person, we thank you wholeheartedly.

Anyway, that’s it for now. I’ll get myself back on an even keel blogwise next week, when I will hopefully have the time to resume posting, and reading, all your fine words.

Monday, October 04, 2010

The Old Man And The Sea

Today marks two years since I lost my bestest friend in the world, my grandfather.


I don’t want to rehash old history. If you care to read about him, here is just one of the many posts I’ve written about him over the years.

On the contrary, I thought I’d mark the day by writing about one of our times together where he really gave me a good laugh. When I think of fun conversations that I had with him over the years, this one is usually the first that comes to mind.

On most Saturdays I would take him down to the pier. He was a fisherman through and through, and even when we WEREN’T fishing together, he loved for us to just sit by the pier to watch the boats come in, and see what people were catching.

One particular Saturday, as we sat eating lunch and watching boat owners come and go, either launching their boats into the bay, or pulling them out and hitching them back to their cars, he asked me how much I thought the dock master was charging people to use the boat launch to get their boat into the water.

“I dunno. Let’s go ask him. We’ll pretend we have a boat and are inquiring about pricing.”, I said.

So, we headed on over to the grizzly old man inside the guard tower, and proceeded to have the following conversation:

Me: “Hiya. Could you please tell me how much you charge to launch a boat from the ramp?”

OldDude: “It depends. Where do you live?”

Me: “I live in Babylon.”

OldDude: “Then it would cost you 40 dollars”


With that, we thanked him, and walked off.

As we were headed back to my car, my grandfather turned to me and said:

Grandpa: “Hey, wait a minute.”

Me: “What’s up?”

Grandpa: “You told that guy that we lived in Babylon.”

Me: “Yeah? So what?”

Grandpa: “Well, I don’t live in Babylon. You do. I live in St. James.”

Me: “So?”

Grandpa: “So? So they might charge a different amount if you are from St. James!”

I stopped and just stared at him for a few seconds to see if he was pulling my leg, before I finally replied:

Me: “We don’t really have a damn boat!!!”

Grandpa: “Yeah, good point.”



Two years now, and I still feel like my Saturdays are aimless……..

Thursday, September 30, 2010

George, George, George… How COULD You?


On Sunday, I turned on Netflix and was shocked to see that George Romero’s latest zombie film “Survival of The Dead”, had gone up on their instant streaming service the day earlier.

“Holy Shit”, my sexy, succulent, EXTREMELY kissable mouth uttered…. “I’ve been dying to see this movie all summer!”

Of COURSE I was dying to see it, as you may have gleaned from reading this site, I’m slightly obsessed with all things zombie.

(Side note: see what I did just now? “Dying” to see it? “Dying”???? Ya get it? Zombie? Dying? Holy Shit I’m witty. How the fuck did I just come up with that? Believe it or not, it didn’t take me all day. What’s that? You DIDN’T think that was particularly witty? Screw you!)

Anyway, where was I?

Oh yeah.

Well, as soon as I saw that it was available to watch, I quickly shoved Friz and Mini-Me off to a nice dinner with her family, and proceeded to take off my pants and relax on the couch to a relaxing 90 minutes of zombie mayhem.

What’s that? Why did I take off my pants? Oh, right! Like YOU guys don’t watch zombie movies completely naked, either?

I keep getting side-tracked here by talking about myself. How does this always happen to me?

Anywhoo, let me cut to the chase and say that my extreme glee that washed over me when I saw that I could watch this movie, turned into extreme self-loathing a mere 90 minutes later, when I came to the conclusion that this just might be the worst fucking movie I have ever seen in my life.

I REALLY intended to do a REAL review here, but I honestly just can’t bring myself to relive the horror I sat through on Sunday afternoon.

Let me at least give you a quick synopsis.

Off the coast of Delaware, there is a small island that is home to two feuding Irish farming families.

I know, I know. I could write my fucking doctorate on trying to explain that sentence alone. Two Irish speaking families, living off the coast of the United States. It made ZERO fucking sense, and the movie never even attempted to ever explain it. I’ve since went on the web and read forums where people discuss this movie, and apparently the entire zombie-loving community is collectively scratching their head at this ridiculous plot line.

Anyway, like I said, there are two feuding families, kinda like the Hatfield’s and McCoy’s. The movie begins a few weeks after the zombie outbreak, and it centers around one family, the O’Flynns, who think that all zombies should be eradicated, and the other family, the Muldoons, who think that all zombies should be corralled up and contained until a cure is found.

Well, as you might imagine when you put ANY two Irishmen together, before long harsh words are spoken, which quickly leads to excessive gunfire.

That’s really all I can bare to talk about as far as this movie is concerned. It was just horrendous. The movie was HORRIBLY acted, and not ONE character was the least bit likeable. I wanted to see them all die, and die painfully.

Nothing ANYONE did in the movie made the LEAST lick of sense. Sometimes, characters would just start acting in a way that was the exact opposite of their character up to that point, with no explanation. For instance, near the end of the film, the zombie-caring Muldoons start indiscriminately taking zombies out of their makeshift stables, and shooting them in the head. Wait, didn’t they just base their existence on keeping zombies alive till there was a cure? Maybe I fucking daydreamed that while I was waiting for this movie to get good.

Anyway, I’ll close with this. I LOVE zombie movies. I loves em! Romero’s original Dawn of the Dead still stands as my favorite horror movie of all time. I saw the original Day of the Dead in the damn theatre on opening night, for God’s sake!

I’ll watch ANY movie where something is moving around that should have STOPPED moving around a long time ago, but I just couldn’t watch this.

FOR ALL THAT’S HOLY, THEY HAD A ZOMBIE RIDING A HORSE!! REALLY! IT WAS RIDING A HORSE AND JUMPED OVER HURDLES AND EVERYTHING!!! YAAAARRRRGGG!!!!!

I can’t talk about this anymore. I think I need to see my therapist.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Ten – HUT!


So, I’m driving Mini-Me to swimming class at the YMCA last night, and we were talking about his day in school:

Studly: Hey, how was school today?

Mini-Me: Good, daddy!

Studly: Did you have fun at recess?

Mini-Me: Yup, a whole bunch of us played “Army” again!

Studly: Again? You guys have been playing that a lot.

Mini-Me: Yeah, we play it every day at recess.

Studly: You really like playing army, then?

Mini-Me: Well, it’s ok, I guess…

Studly: Just “ok”? Why don’t you like it?

Mini-Me: Well, it’s Anthony…..

Studly: Your friend, Anthony? I thought he was one of your best friends…

Mini-Me: He is, daddy…. It’s just that he’s really not fun to play Army with.

Studly: Why not?

Mini-Me: Well, he’s really bossy. He just tells us all what to do, and it’s annoying.

Studly: Well, why don’t you just tell him to stop?

Mini-Me: I can’t.

Studly: You can’t? Why the heck not?

Mini-Me: Because he’s a Sergeant!



Sometimes, he can make me laugh at the most unexpected times.
I had to take him out to Ralphs for a Bubblegum Ice for that bit of funny…..

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Pandorum Rocked My Dock


Now that I’m finally done watching Angel, I am finally finding myself able to start tackling all of the cool movies that I added all summer long to my Netflix queue.


The first one I watched was last year’s sci-fi/horror movie, Pandorum.

Holy Crap On A Cracker was that movie awesome!!!!!


Pandorum, starring Dennis Quaid and Ben Foster, was one of the coolest movies I’ve seen in a long time.

It’s basically a cross between 28 Days Later and Aliens.

I just made a mess in my pants just TYPING that sentence.

Anyway, its a few hundred years in the future, and mankind’s over-banging has made the world dangerously overpopulated. The world’s scientists begin to desperately look to find a new habitable world. When they finally DO, the world comes together to construct a huge spaceship, capable of holding thousands of people specializing in the skills needed to keep a society thriving, and launches it into space.

Since the new world is light years away, the entire population on the ship are all put into hypersleep.

That’s where the story starts.

Awakening from hypersleep, Sgt. Bower (played by Foster), realizes that he is suffering from amnesia. He knows WHO he is, but not why he’s there. Even worse, after inspecting where he is, he comes to realize that not only is he the ONLY person who has awakened, but the ship looks like it has been through a warzone, and its systems are failing.

Lt. Payton (Quaid) quickly wakes up as well, and the two begin to try to piece together just what the hell happened to their ship.

From there, things get creepy. REALLY creepy. And scary. That’s all I’ll say about the plot.

I WILL also add that I thought this film was as much a horror movie, as it was a GOOD science fiction film. The twist ending especially brought things back to a good sci-fi feel.

Ben Foster, who I have had a bit of a man-crush on since his kick-ass performance in Alpha Dog, was awesome in this movie. Dennis Quaid was competent, as always.

And Antje Traue, who played the resourceful Nadia, was someone who I really wanted to bang.


Anyway, if you don’t remember this movie being in the theaters last September, don’t feel too bad. I didn’t either. This movie completely TANKED at the box office, despite really good reviews. From what I can see, it seems to have lost about $20 million in its short, few week run.

Which is a real shame. This movie was plotted out to be a trilogy, but with its poor box office, there’s little chance of that ever happening, and I would LOVE to have seen where this movie went in the next installment.

So, that’s my pitch. Go rent this today (or catch it on Starz… it’s playing this month).

Who knows? If enough people keep talking it up, maybe we’ll see a Pandorum 2 after all.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

I’m Working Blind

I haven’t been able to actually “See” Slydesblog.com from here at work for about 2 months now, and it’s really pissing me off.


As some of you might remember, I’ve mentioned before about how the company I work for puts an UNBELEIVABLE amount of security on our computers here.

It’s really ridiculous. I can BARELY get out to the internet. 99% of the time I attempt to get to a website, I get a warning message telling me the web site has been filtered. The few times I CAN get to a webpage, half of it doesn’t load properly because all of this wonky security software we run here filters out bits and pieces that it deems inappropriate.

I’ve dealt with it for a few years now, and every few months, they install a new thing-a-majig to make my web-browsing ordeals even MORE excruciating.

So, it came as little surprise to me when, on August 2nd, trying to access my site from here at work started producing the all-too-descriptive error message “dns_unresolved_hostname”. I figured that my lovely company’s uber-geek squad just upped the ante on their war against allowing me to fuck around here at work, and started filtering sites even more stringently. This notion was reinforced for me when I was able to still access my site with NO issues while at home.

So, I figured it was just my job screwing with me, until I got an email from one of you fine folks telling me that they too could no longer access my site.

Then I got another email.

Then another.

Since I’m ALL looks and NO brains, I really didn’t put 2 and 2 together until Bruce emailed me last week, and told me that he too can no longer get to my site when he’s at work, BUT he can get here without issue from home.

I’ll give anyone out there (if ANYONE’S still out there at this point) a big wet french kiss to the first person who guesses what Bruce told me when I asked him what error message he gets when he tries to get here from his work computer.

That’s right… dns_unresolved_hostname.

Upon further probing, (No, not THAT kind of probing. He’s not my type. Get your mind out of the gutter!) he told me that HIS company also uses web security software (although a different brand than mine).

So, it would appear that for some reason, some security programs out there are suddenly not seeing slydesblog correctly.

Anyone geeky enough out there to tell me how the fuck I go about fixing this?

At this point, I have no idea what to do. I spoke to my domain registering company, and they told me that they had no idea, but thought it could be a google issue.

Gee, that was helpful.

I am officially out of ideas. I’m looking to you guys for assistance. Please help me to once again allow you all to fuck around on company time.

What the Hell should I do to fix this?

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Facebook, Old School

Never let it be said that I am above taking something someone else sent me, and stealing it. 

I'm like the Napster of the Blogosphere!

Anyway..... enjoy!



Tuesday, September 14, 2010

*@#$ You, Google!


As you might have noticed, I no longer have any Google ads displayed on the blog anymore.

What, you might ask, prompted me to take such a dramatic shift in my outlook on web advertising?

Perhaps I was thinking about you all, my loyal readers, who I decided were just too damn good and wholesome for the kind of advertising that was popping up on here…..

Or perhaps, I decided to just stop bending over for The Man and bring this blog back to its humble, non-corporate-sponsored beginnings.

Or maybe, they dropped me.

Ok, it’s that last one.

How did this happen, you might ask?

Let’s tell a story…….

Once upon a time, about a year ago, a young handsome INSANELY HOT prince decided to make some side money on his blog, and put up some advertising by making a deal with the evil, King Google. Oh yeah, King Google was fat and impotent, too.

Anyway, after agreeing to the deal, the Hot Prince was dismayed to discover that he would not get paid out when his account accrued every 10 dollars, as he had initially thought. No, through dubious advertising and legal-speak, he learned that he would only get paid out every 100 dollars. Clearly, the Hot Prince wasn’t going to get his first payment for a LOOOONG time, as most weeks he seemed to earn only a few cents. Sometimes, he would earn a buck here or there, but it certainly wasn’t the norm.

Until 2 weeks ago, when, much to his glee, he discovered that he earned about 10 dollars in 1 week!

Now, suddenly VERY interested in his daily stats, he began checking his earnings every day. To his surprise, his earnings seemed to more than double each day! 5 dollars on Monday, $12 on Tuesday, 25 on Wednesday! It was like a dream come true. In the space of a week, the Hot Prince had accrued almost $99 dollars worth of earnings. Before the week was out, he was going to be paid for all his hard work! Things were certainly beginning to look up for the Hot Prince’s blogging career.

That is, until the next day, when the flaccid King Google sent the Hot Prince a message, saying that they found his reported web clicks to be FRAUDULENT and that his account was to be suspended immediately!

“There HAD to be some mistake!”, thought the Hot Prince (who was hung like a horse, by the way… have I mentioned that yet?). So he quickly took quill to parchment and wrote King Google a letter showing his displeasure at this decision, and asking for some kind of explanation.

For TWO weeks the Hot Prince waited for his reply, and when one finally DID come from King Google, the Hot Prince was disgusted to find that all he received was a form letter saying that they are sticking with their decision, with STILL with no explanation about this alleged “Fraudulent” activity.

At this point, the Hot Prince became enraged. After all, he had been hawking ads on his site for 9 months now, in good faith that at some point he would be compensated for his efforts. To pull them now, when it finally appeared that he would get his due, seems quite shifty and it’s FUCKING BULLSHIT!

Anyway, the Hot Prince is going to try one last appeal to get my (er, I mean HIS) money, but he is not the least bit hopeful.

Have any other Princes or Princesses out there had any similar tales about advertising through King Google?

Because right about now I’m mad enough to punch them in their virtual nutsack.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Angel’s End


Last night, I finally finished watching the entire 5 seasons of Angel .

Overall, I have to give the series a big thumbs up.

Mind you, it did have its share of misfires. But in the end, I have to say that the “good” far outweighed the “bad”, to make an enjoyable summer’s viewing.

Even though the series has been cancelled for 5 years now, I still don’t want to give away TOO many spoilers, but I WILL try to give my brief thoughts on each season.

Be warned, however: If you don’t want ANY spoilers, best stop reading now.

Season 1

At the start of the show, we find Angel, now living in Los Angeles, meeting up Cordilia, who has also escaped from Sunnydale. Along with their new friend Doyle, they start up a detective agency to “Help the Helpless”.

I found this start-up season pretty uneven. For every good episode, there was an equally dopey one to go along with it. After Doyle’s surprising death halfway through the season, I DID find that the show really started to find its footing, particularly when Wesley joined the cast.




Season 2

Season 2 finds the crew abandoning their office as their base of operations, and moving into the old run-down Hyperion hotel.

I thought that for the most part, this season was about as hit-or-miss as the first, but the inclusion of the Darla storyline really started to get the show grounded and provide a good, ongoing story. Plus, Julie Benz is one hot bitch.

I would rate this season higher, if it were not for the abysmally stupid finale, which sent the group embarrassing themselves in the demon-world of Pylea. I could barely sit through those final episodes.



Season 3

I felt that this was where the show really started to hit its stride. It is also, not surprisingly, where the show went from mostly campy, to very, very dark. The Connor storyline, that dealt with Angel’s child being kidnapped, and Wesley betraying the team, really surprised me with how good it was.

It was during this season that I REALLY started to see just how amazing an actor Alexis Denisof is. He really blew me away with some of his more dramatic moments. He was hands-down the star of this show for me, and in my opinion has proven to have more talent than the rest of the cast combined.

This season was probably my favorite, and one reason why was the OUTSTANDING finale, which found Connor, thinking his father killed Holtz, putting Angel in a coffin and burying him at sea.




Season 4

The show picked right up from where it left off, with Wesley saving Angel and the group beginning to put themselves back together again. I thought this season was stellar, as well. Between Cordelia turning evil, Connor’s angst, and Jasmine the goddess trying to convert the world, I found this season to be great fun.



Season 5

I’ve heard a lot of praise about season 5, but except for some shining exceptions, I just didn’t see it.

Angel and his posse take over the evil law office of Wolfram and Hart, and try to use its power for good. I LOVE the concept, but I just felt that it was executed sloppily. Perhaps it’s because that the show was unexpectedly announced as cancelled early in the season, forcing Joss Whedan to go into hyper drive in an attempt to finish the story before the year ended, but the stories just seemed hastily executed to me. I guess my biggest problem with most of it was that many major plot points were just not explained all that well. They routinely mentioned things that had barely been touched upon. I kept going back through my Netflix queue to make sure I hadn’t skipped over an episode.

That said, I thought that the Illiria storyline was excellent, and I found the final episode, to be every bit as dark, depressing, and just plain AWESOME that I had heard it was.



So, that’s it. I’m glad I finally watched it, completing my immersion with anything having to do with Joss Whedan, who, while I wouldn’t go gay for, I just might give him a slap on the ass to show him my appreciation.

As you might remember, this summer I vowed to get through both Angel, and The Wire, in its entirety. The Wire is taking me slightly longer than expected, but I’m almost done with season 4 and moving along nicely. The show is the shit! I’ll report on that one when I’m done.

Wednesday, September 08, 2010

Machete


So, I figured there was no better way to celebrate Labor Day this weekend than to take my sexy ass to go see Machete.

You all know about Machete, right?

Actually, most of you probably DON’T know about Machete.

I mean, sure, it’s a major motion picture and all, but it’s not like the film has gotten a whole hell of a lot of press.

Anyhoo, for those that don’t know, Machete spawned from one of the fake movie trailers that appear throughout the movie Grindhouse. Director Robert Rodriguez always loved the concept, and even though the fake trailer was meant to be over-the-top ridiculous, soon after Grindhouse, Rodriguez began the process of making it into a real movie.

If you saw Grindhouse, then you know that Machete tells the story of a Mexican Federale (played by Danny Trejo, who Rodrigues ALWAYS includes in his films), who gets set up for murdering a senator, and while posing as a day laborer, begins to enact his bloody, limb-hacking revenge.

The movie just didn’t do it for me.

I admit that I loved the Machete Trailer in Grindhouse. Most everyone who saw it did as well. The problem is that while all the over-the-top, cartoonish violence made for an entertaining 2 minutes of a trailer, it becomes a bit of a bore when stretched to 90 minutes.

And that, in a nutshell, is my problem with Robert Rodriguez in general. While I enjoy most of his movies well enough to keep seeing them, he just isn’t schooled enough as a writer to carry the chores of writing a film all by himself. Watching his films always seem to me to be like what a film would look like if you gave a 14 year old a movie studio…… films filled with all action scenes that the young’un THOUGHT would look cool, but in the end he didn’t have the skill set to really pull it off.

I think that’s the reason that his most successful films are the Spy Kids movies…. His kind of silly comedy and action suits itself to a kids movie, but never seems to transfer itself as well to an adult feature.

Mind you, he HAS made some decent films. Desperado still stands as one of my favorite movies of the 90’s. That movie just oooooozed ‘cool’.

Hell, I wanted to bang Antonio Banderas for a month after I saw that movie in the theatre.

Earl, on the other hand, who saw it with me, wanted to bang ME.

Unfortunately for him, that’s never gonna happen. I have standards, ya know….

Thursday, September 02, 2010

Good Times At The Dentist


I think my dentist tried to get me to do something bad yesterday.

And no, I’m not talking about the time that my dental hygienist attempted to rape me in the dental chair when we were alone in the office one Saturday (did I ever tell that story?).

No, that’s not what I’m talking about here. And I wouldn’t be up for that, anyway. My new dentist doesn’t look like the one in the banner picture. For one thing, she weighs about 200 pounds more than the girl above. And, she’s a guy.

Either one of those things is a real turn off for me.

What was I talking about again?

Oh yeah. So, I’m at the dentist yesterday, getting my teeth molded for a bite plate that I need to start wearing at night so I stop grinding my teeth (Of course, if people would just stop swinging my kitchen faucet back and forth like they’re sawing a redwood, I probably would stop grinding my fucking teeth at night).

Anyway, this stupid thing is going to cost me a boatload of cash, and I’m not happy about it. On the way out of the office, my dentist stopped me and said, “Hey, don’t you work for XXXXX?”. For those that don’t know, I work for an HMO and no, it’s not really called XXXXX (I think they TRIED to name it that, but someone in the porn industry beat them to it).

“Yup”, I said, not sure where this was going. A lot of my doctors ask me to talk to someone in the claims department, to help them get paid quicker. Hell, if I had THAT kind of pull here, I’d use it to get MY fucking claims paid quicker.

“You know”, he continued, “If you could help promote me over there, I could make it worth your while. REALLY worth your while”.

Then he walked off to deal with his next patient.

I have to admit, I’m stumped. I really have no clue what he would like me to do for him.

Mind you, I’m not above bending the system to get myself a free bite plate. On the contrary, I can most definitely be bought off. Hell, if I can make this happen.......BITE PLATES FOR EVERYBODY! I’m Buying!

I’m just not sure what he wants me to do.

“PROMOTE HIM”?

Maybe I should go to work wearing a big sandwich board with his picture on it?

Too overt? Maybe.

Or perhaps I can just throw in a good word about him around the office whenever I can.

“Hey Slyde, how is that enrollment project going?”

“Not bad, Bob, but it would go a HELL of a lot better if more people’s teeth were cleaned by Dr. Potbelly! My GOD he's one HELL of a dentist!”

Anyway, I’m a lover, not a businessman. If anyone can tell me what you think he wants me to do for him, I’m all ears.

And if I DO turn him down, I have to do it in a way that doesn’t offend him.

The LAST fucking thing I want after my next visit is to come out of my novacane to see him quickly buttoning up his pants, and him telling me that I “really need to rinse”.