Thursday, February 26, 2009

Going “Commando”

Tonight, I am going to a pajama party.

You heard me correctly.

My son’s school is sponsoring one tonight. Last month the school promoted a “TV-Less Tuesday”, where the TV wasn’t allowed to be turned on for every Tuesday for the entire month. Each week he had to bring in a signed ditto confirming that he conformed to his TV-less goal. It was hard for the little scamp, but his teacher told him that every student who managed to make it through the month would get a special prize, and bless his little heart, be buckled down and went SpongeBob-free for 4 days last month.

(Of course, he DID watch me play Mirror’s Edge on the Playstation a few times, but he didn’t actually “play” anything, did he? After all, “I” sure as shit never promised not to watch any damn television, did I?)

Anyway….

His “prize” turned out to be an invitation-only pajama party tonight, and he is super excited. He spent about 2 hours last night trying to decide which PJs to wear tonight. It was a rough competition (in which Spider Man and Mario made strong showings), but in the end, I do believe we have settled on his “Wii” pajamas, with the logo plastered all over.

Anyway, he needs an escort to the event, of course, so who better to take him than the world’s hottest daddy?

Anyway, I got to thinking last night. The invitation just says “Pajama party”. It doesn’t SPECIFICALLY say that only the kids are supposed to be wearing pajamas.

So, do I wear my pajamas to the event tonight? Are other people going to wear their pajamas? What if I show up WITHOUT wearing my pajamas, but all the moms there have THEIRS on? What if they are all wearing outfits like the ones pictured above, and I’m sitting there in jeans like a dolt?

What if alcohol (and cocaine and ecstasy) is served, and everyone gets smashed and all the hot MILFs decide to have a sexy bisexual pillow fight? I probably won’t be asked to participate if I’m not dressed accordingly.

Of course, I’m not entirely clear where exactly all the 6 year olds are supposed to BE while I’m off having a 40 on 1 orgy with their all of their moms. I guess I haven’t exactly worked through this whole scenario yet. But I want to be ready for anything.

Of course, the REAL wrinkle in this situation is that I almost always sleep naked. I find that it’s the best way for people to check out my rock-hard abs, toned chest, bulky biceps, and muscular ass while I sleep.

Now that I’m thinking about it, I actually don’t OWN any pajamas.

So, should I just walk in completely naked?

I don’t think it will scar my son too badly, will it?

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

9 Words Women Use

Because I am a master of all things pertaining to women, I thought it would be of great use to the rest of the male population if I were to take some time today and educate all you gents on what will undoubtedly go down in history as "Slyde's Handy 9-Point Guide To Understanding Women-Speak".

It's really not that hard once you've spent as much time around chicks as I have. And sharing my knowledge is a gift to you all. I'm a giver like that.

Anyway, Here it be:

(1) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome. that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying "FUCK YOU!"

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

I suggest you all just print this out and keep it neatly hidden in your wallet for easy referencing.

No need to thank me.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Ski God!



I'm not really sure what exactly is going on in the picture above, but when I googled "Ski God", this is the first picture that came up, so I'm going with it.

Well, my peeps, I have come down from the mountain and returned from my week of debauchery.

I really had a blast. Seriously, if anyone out there is thinking of taking a ski trip in the Pennsylvania area, ask me about this place. The house was ginormous! Plus, it has everything your little heart could ask for. 5 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms, big screen flat TV's in every room, fireplace, huge kitchen, Wi-Fi, Nintendo and games with every TV, 2 game rooms complete with pool tables, pinball machines, air hockey and full arcades, plus the coolest hot tub known to man. Also, we were located at the base of Big Boulder Mountain, so going skiing was literally as easy as walking outside to the lifts. And the price was crazy cheap!

OK, enough of that... I'm sounding like a brochure. Just look me up if you want to go there, k?

Anyway, on the day we were leaving to begin our trip, guess who came down with a case of strep throat?

I'll give you a hint.... if you somehow managed to guess the names of one of the OTHER 7 fucking people who went on the trip, you'd be wrong.

But I, Ski God that I am, didn't let it hold me back. I hightailed it to the doctor to get some meds right before we left, and I kept myself properly medicated throughout the trip.

Anyway, between all the drinking, smoking, and debauchery that was going on, I DO believe that my liver could have been dangling outside my body and I wouldn't have felt it much.

Anyway, I'm back, detoxed, and feeling much better. I just looked on Google Reader and I have about Seventy-Gazillion back posts to read, so bear with me as I now try to put a dent into reading all your fine missives....

Monday, February 16, 2009

Vacation, All I Ever Wanted....


- Just wanted to drop a few bullets on you fine folks, since starting tomorrow, I will be AWOL for the rest of the week, secluded in a ski lodge in Pennsylvania with 7 of my good friends. Hopefully, I wont be pulling off the maneuver you see above, because while I'm no expert, I'm pretty sure a jump like that would result in me hurting something. Maybe even my wee-wee. And that would suck, cause I still NEED that.

So basically, this post is all you're getting from me this week. Just know that, while you all are sitting in your cubicles this week, I'll be skiing all day and getting drunk in our hot tub all night.

- It has taken them about 3 months, but Saturday Night Live finally did something this week that made me laugh again. Did anyone else catch this this past weekend? It cracked me up.

- Since I will have no access to a computer this week, I will no doubt be AWOL on all of your fine blogs. Please don't hate me for it. I'll try my darnedest to catch up with y'all next week.
- I seem to be closing in on 50 followers, which for some reason is a significant landmark in my weird way of looking at things. I'd like to hit 50, then i probably won't look at it again until I'm nearing 100 (which will probably never happen anyway). So if you're a lurker, give my ego a boost (cause it needs it... i have no self-esteem) and push me past the 50 mark.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Are You Kidding Me?


This is an actual email I recieved from a co-worker. This email went out to the entire company.

---------------------------------

To: The Entire Company

From: Ditz

Subject: 2009 Expense Reports

This message is to inform all management that the corporate expense report form has changed to better serve the company's needs for 2009.

The new expense report can be accessed by clicking on the "Reimbursement" tab on the corporate intranet.

After viewing it, you will notice that there have been some major changes. As such, no 2008 reimbursement forms will be honored if it is submitted as of today.

Please look over the new form, and if you have any questions, please contact me directly.

These changes will help better streamline accounting reimbursing everyone, so please LET'S GET IT RIGHT FROM THE GECKO.

Sincerely,

Ditz

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

I sat there, staring at the screen, dumfounded, for about 20 minutes, before I recovered enough to pick up the phone and give her a call. She is, after all, a friend of mine (and kinda hot.... i'm not sure why i just added that part... oh who am I kidding, we ALL know why I added it), and I thought that maybe if i pointed out her typo, she might still be able to save face and retract it.

"Hey, I just read the email you sent out"

"Yeah?"

"So, you said that you wanted us to get it right from the gecko!"

".... and?"

"And? And you used the wrong fucking word. The phrase is 'get it right from the get go"

"No, it's not. I've heard that said a hundred times, and it's gecko"

"A gecko is a fucking lizard. Why would anyone say lets get it right from the lizard?"

"I don't know, but thats what they say"

"No one says that, except idiots"

"Did you just call me an idiot?"

"I don't know.... do you really think people go around saying 'lets get it right from the lizard?"

"I KNOW they do."

"Then yes, I'm calling you an idiot"

"Click"

The best part is that by now she must KNOW she was wrong, but I still haven't heard a peep from her.

-------------

I had THOUGHT that was to be the funniest thing that happened to me today, until my hetero lifemate Earl just called earlier, and told me that one of his favorite TV shows is "Law and Order: S.U.V".

When I stopped laughing and asked him if they drive around solving crimes in a Ford Aerostar, he promptly hung up on me.

It really IS hard being this perfect in a world filled with such imperfection....

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

TV Eats My Soul

A friend of mine told me the other day that I watch too much television.

That is only PARTLY true. In the Fall, I watch very little TV…. .maybe 2-3 shows a week, and that’s it.

During the Summer months, I watch nothing really. The television barely gets turned on. I’m way too busy being outside, enjoying the pool, and showing off my rock hard abs to the gaggle of women who peek through my PVC fence clamoring for a look at me.

But alas, from January until May, I fully admit that I am a complete TV whore.

Believe me, I completely realize that I am wasting my time, and killing brain cells, but every year, I can’t seem to stop myself as I fill up my Tivo with loads of crap. Every night, I go through this insane balancing act, where I try desperately to get Mini-Me to get to bed by a certain time, so I can watch everything I want to watch that night and still get to bed at a time where I can at least pretend to be coherent for work the next day. It’s a ridiculous battle that I put myself through every Winter, and it needs to stop (or at least lighten up a little).

So, maybe it’s time for a cyber-intervention. In an effort to publicly embarrass myself into watching less TV this season, I am going to list what I watch each night of the week from Jan – May:

Sunday:
Amazing Race – One of my favorite reality shows. I don’t see me giving this one up.

Monday:
24 – After a year hiatus, Jack Bauer is back and I’m staying along for the ride.

Tuesday:
American Idol – I know… please kill me. But Friz likes it, and the whole damn COUNTRY watches it. I like to be up on my pop culture, after all.

Nip/Tuck – There was a time when this was one of the best shows on TV. Now, it’s mostly just silly, but I still tune in looking for those rare moments when the show lives up to its early season’s promise.

The Bad Girls Club – I’ve spoken about this one before. The show is a train wreck and I don’t give a shit. Hot trashy girls getting drunk, making out, and fighting with each other. In, In, and In!

Wednesday
American Idol – I could ALMOST stomach this show if it wasn’t on TWO nights a week.

Lost – Simply the best show on television. You will ONLY be able to pry this show away from my cold, dead hands. Maybe.

Real World – What can I say? I love watching these “fishbowl” type shows, and the fact that the girls are always hot and like to bang a lot seems to help.

Thursday
Survivor – My favorite reality show. I’ve applied two times to be a contestant. One day, I WILL be on it.

Friday
Battlestar Galactica - I’m not a huge sci-fi fan, but damn does this show rock. It’s currently in the middle of its final season, and every episode has been Frakking Awesome.

Real Time with Bill Maher – This is the only news that I watch. Sad, I know. But I DO learn things from it. It’s probably the only semi-redeeming show on this list.

Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles – Last season this show pretty much blew, but I stuck with it because I LOVES me some people-killing machines. And I’m glad I did. This season has been OUTSTANDING, but the ratings have been shit. It’s almost definitely cancelled after its last few episodes are aired this season.

Prison Break – It won’t be back on the air until Terminator ends, and takes it’s timeslot. Another once-great show that’s gotten a little too long in the tooth. It’s already been reported to be cancelled, so I’ll just finish watching these last few episodes to see how they wrap things up.

Saturday
Saturday Night Live – Yes, I know it’s rarely funny, but I’ve been watching since the first season. Really. At this point, it’s like getting a visit from an old friend every Saturday night.

And that’s it. Except of course for Rescue Me and the Celebrity Apprentice which will both be starting in March, that list above is what I’ll be doing every night until late May.

So, do I need help, or should I just accept that I am a TV junkie and revel in my High-Definition high?

Sunday, February 08, 2009

It's Catchy, And I Can Dance To It

Unless you were living under a rock this week, you most likely have heard actor Christian Bale's rant on the set of Terminator 4 from a few months ago, or at least heard ABOUT it.

In the audio clip, he goes completely POSTAL to the director of photography for walking into his line of site during a scene. I'm sure that that is a big no-no in the wold of film-making, but I just cant get past the childish, F-Bomb laden rant he goes off on for something so silly.

Don't get me wrong, I think he's a fine actor, and I really dig me some American Psycho, but between this explosion, and the reports that he physically attacked his mother and sister over the summer, and would have been arrested for it had they not dropped the charges, I don't think its a stretch to think that this guy needs a nice relaxing colonic or something.

Anyway, that's neither here nor there. What i wanted to share with you all was the catchy little ditty that i linked to below.

Some L.A. dj's took Bale's 4 minute rant and sampled it to create one of the funniest damn things i have heard in a while. And I'm not along in thinking so.... this little dance tune is as we speak blazing across the country, and is starting to be played in clubs everywhere.

I'm not kidding when i tell you that i kinda dig it. I already have it on my Ipod. It's the perfect, feel-good song to play when you are trying to live through rush-hour traffic in the morning.

Note: Be warned! As you could imagine, the F-bomb is used throughout. Don't say i didn't warn you. Listen, just don't crank the speakers and listen to it while you are feeding your toddler or while taking a conference call and you should be good, k?

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Slyde’s Pet Peeve # 5 – House Address Signs

It’s been awhile since I’ve shared with you fine people something that royally ticks me off. This one REALLY gets my goat!

You all know what house address signs are, don’t you? Sure you do. They’re those little numbers that “normal” people hang somewhere outside their home, that lets the world know that their house is in fact # “123” on Maple Street, or “1313” on Mockingbird Lane, or “6969” GoScrewYourself Avenue, or whatever.

Some people put them on their mailbox. Some people put them over their front door. Some people decide, for whatever reason, they don’t want to put them up at all.

But for the love of all things Holy, if you are giving me the directions to your home, could you please do me a fucking favor and GIVE ME A HEADS UP IF YOUR HOME ISNT MARKED WITH A NUMBER??

Even worse offenders DO HAVE a number outside their house, but it’s so fucking small that you can’t see it, or it’s completely hidden by an overgrown shrub, or one of the numbers fell off, or whatever.

If I have to cruise down a strange street one more time, driving 2 miles an hour, peering out the window like a pedophile, squinting while trying to find your house, then guess what? I’M NOT COMING OVER!

Seriously people! Is it so hard to mention that you don’t have a number outside your house? Maybe you can give me another landmark like “it’s the first blue house on your right”, or “I have a red Buick in the driveway” or “I’M THE HOUSE WITHOUT A FUCKING NUMBER!”

I cant tell you how many times I’ve tried to find someone’s house where I’m going, “Ok, that house on the corner is 1124, and the house I’m going to is 1160, so let me crawl down this block while I practice my odds/evens like a pre-schooler until I can find the right house!”

Even better yet, last month I went to someone’s house, and not only did she NOT have a house number outside her home, but she neglected to tell me that, for some reason, the town that she lives in decided it would be a hoot to make adjacent house numbers on her street to go up by FOUR, not TWO! Yeah, that was fun. It took about 20 minutes before I figured THAT gem out. In that time, I had Forrest Gumped my way to about 15 homes, ringing everyone’s doorbell while scratching my head going, “This CAN’T be this fucking hard, can it?”

So please people, either put up your address number where I can see it, or at least give me a heads up before I run over your cat. Twice.

Monday, February 02, 2009

Pee Poop!

I really wanted to put up a banner picture for this one, but when I entered "pee poop" into google, believe me, you guys sure as Hell didn't want to see what images came up.

Anyway, want to hear about the great weekend I had?

Mini-Me has been suffering from a bit of an inner ear infection, so the doctor put him on an anti-biotic. It's been knocking out the infection just fine, but the medicine has been leaving him with a bit of an upset stomach.

Anyway, Friz had a girls night out, so I was home alone taking care of the little tyke.

Everything was going swimmingly until, while I was in the other room getting his pajamas, he called out to me, "Daddy, I pee'd!"

Now, he's gotten to the point in his little life where such an occurrence normally doesn't warrant this kind of announcement. He's pretty much been handling this kind of thing by himself for awhile now...

So, still busy in the other room, I called back, "So? just remember to wash your hands before you come out of the bathroom!"

I wasn't quite ready for the answer I got back...

"But daddy...... I pee pooped"

At that point, I had NO idea what in the world a "pee poop" could possibly be, but any parent worth their salt can tell you that any sentence your child utters that has "poop" in it should bring you running right fucking quick.

And run I did.....

I found him standing there in his pajamas, looking scared.

"Ok, what are you taking about? Whats a pee poop?"

"Well, I was watching TV when it felt like I had to go to the bathroom, but then pee came out."

"Huh? So you went pee-pee in your pants? Is that it?"

"No daddy, pee-pee came out of my butt!"

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is about the best explanation that a 6 year old can hope to come up with in an attempt to tell you that he just made diarrhea in his pants.

Now, I don't want you to think that I'm squeamish when it comes to taking care of Mini-Me. On the contrary, I've been quite hands on with him during these formative years. I've handled the gambit.... messy diapers, runny noses, projectile vomiting, the works....

But nothing thus far could have prepared me for the grisly scene I discovered that night inside his PJ's. It was like a war zone in there. I think I can finally appreciate what our men who survived Pearl Harbor felt like afterwards. I may need YEARS of therapy, which sucks because, quite honestly, I already could have used a few years of therapy BEFORE the great "Pee Poop Invasion of 2009".

I'll do more for you all than fate did for ME this weekend, and spare you all the gory details....

Suffice to say that there was Pee. And Poop. EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!!!

I've never cursed my wife so much, just for not being home........