Thursday, December 31, 2009

The Year Endeth....

See how much I love you guys?

I am hosting a New Year's bash at my place tonight (the guests should start arriving in about 30 minutes, in fact), and what do i decide to spend my last few unaccounted-for minutes of the year doing?

Wishing you all a very happy and safe New Year's, that's what!

Seriously guys, lets all hope that the new year, Hell, the new decade, brings us all much peace, love, joy, and prosperity. God knows we could use it.

(And yes, I know i've been absolutely HORRIBLE with keeping up with blogs while i've been off on my 3 week vacation. That's a nicer way of saying that I havent read ANYONE'S blog in 3 weeks. I'll be back to work come Monday, so i'm sure i'll be back to my web-surfing sexiness before long.)

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Kick Ass!

You wanna know what REALLY pisses me off?

Sure you do. It's when i have a great idea for a new post, but then, because I'm a lazy shit, i don't put it up for a few days, and some asshat ends up beating me to it and puts up the same story on THEIR blog!

Well, it's happened to me again.

I've wanted to write about the new movie "Kick-Ass!" for about a week now, but between me still being on vacation, and the holidays and all, i just never found the time. Remarkably, i STILL managed to find the time to play LEFT FOR DEAD 2 for about 10 hours last week, but that's neither here nor there.

Anyway, my beard Earl beat me to the punch this time, and talked about this movie yesterday.

Kick Ass! is based on a comic book that i had heard of, but for some reason have never read. It's a very dark story in which a group of average kids decide that they want to try being real costumed-clad superheroes.

Since i first saw this trailer last week, I've kinda been obsessed with it.

Be warned: It's kinda hard-core for a trailer. If seeing a little kid maim a bunch of people and drop some pretty heavy-duty profanity offends you, then you had best not watch the video below.

If you search around on the net, there is actually a different trailer for each one of the kids, but Hit Girl's, understandably, is the one that is generating most of the buzz, both good and bad.

I can see people's concerns as to the territory in which this movie treads, but honestly, this trailer has me so damn jazzed to see this movie, i really cannot contain myself. Last night i found myself humming that damn tune while watching television.

I am SO THERE when this movie opens in April. Who's with me?

Thursday, December 24, 2009

The Last Avatar Review You'll Ever Read

Oh, I'm such a crafty little bugger.

While the WHOLE ENTIRE Interwebs have been posting nothing but Avatar reviews this week, bombarding you with the basically the same thing over and over again, what do I go and do?

I quite ingeniously turn it all up on its ear, and decide to post NOTHING at all this week, even though Earlsy and I saw Avatar OPENING morning!

I've sat here all week revelling in the thought of all of you, visiting here every 10 minutes, every day, all week, waiting to see my review of this movie. My web stats must be through the roof! MUHAHAHAH!

Anyway, I'll TRY to get past my incredible marketing strategy know-how and get to what I actually thought of the movie.

First off, if you can stomach shelling out $16 bucks like i did, i would highly recommend seeing it in IMAX 3-D. More than any other movie i have ever seen in my life, the movie just feels .... alive. I really don't know how to put it any better than that. I pretty much sat through the entire film in awe of the technology, and how immerse the jungle planet of Pandora looked on screen. From the ambient noises, to the constant barrage of flies buzzing past my head in all their 3-D glory, the world just felt real, and i felt like i was in the middle of it.

Simply speaking, technology-wise, it is the most impressive movie ever made. This film probably makes George Lucas want to gouge his eyes out, since, on so many levels, this film does what Lucas strived so hard to do with his last three Star Wars films.

Make no mistake though, Avatar isn't the next "Godfather". The story is actually kinda hokey, and some dialogue bordered on the cringe worthy. But then again, if you are shelling out $16 to see this movie in Imax 3-D, you probably aren't overly concerned with the story.

The last thing i want to say is that, while it may sound contrary to what i wrote above, i am generally NOT a fan of copious CGI in a film. No matter how good the computer effects are, I still find them slightly fake, and would still much rather see a movie using the old-school "real" special effects. The aliens in this movie, while looking leaps-and-bounds better than any previous movie CGI characters(take THAT, Jar-Jar Binks!), still looked stiff to me. I guess I'm just an old fogey at heart when it comes to movie effects.

Anyway, that's my review. I'd give the movie a solid 3 Stars..... 4 stars for the effects, and 2 stars for the story.

If i don't get to put up another post before tomorrow (and who am i kidding, we all know i won't), HAPPY HOLIDAYS, everyone!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009


I haven't posted in over a week. I have a good reason for this.

I'm lazy.

Well, that's not entirely fair. It's TRUE, but not fair.

The company I work for, in pure Scrooge-like fashion, does not let me carry over my vacation days from one year to the next, and they ALSO won't pay me out for UNUSED vacation days, so in terms of my time off, it's strictly "use it or lose it".

And i intend to use it, baby.....

I have been off from work since last Thursday. I will not be returning to work for the rest of the year. For the mathematically inept, that's over 3 consecutive weeks off.

When i think about it, I feel slightly guilty about leaving all my work responsibilities for such a long period of time. So i decided to do the more responsible thing, and just not think about it.

So, what have i been doing with my time off?

- Yesterday, i finished up my Christmas shopping. I did this by pulling up to Toys R Us first thing in the morning, and basically buying out the store. This little munchkin who lives with me better one day realize that he has the coolest Daddio in the world.

- I also finished appraising my old comic book collection. Remember, i started doing that about 2 months ago? Well, I'm happy to report that my comic book collection clocks in at over $22,000, if you can believe that shit. And, since i am now in debt to my local Toys R Us to the tune of about $21,000, I'd be more than happy to sell my entire collection to the first Slydesblogger out there who coughs up a nice fat check for 20 large... any takers?

- I've been playing a lot of video games. A LOT of video games. Sexy, i know. But the fact is that Mini-Me is still in school this week, and Friz is working, so it's either play games, or visit Craigslist for random M/M hookups. I like to think that I'm choosing the more responsible option...

- Earl finally convinced me to join Netflix, because apparently i don't watch enough movies. I have been fighting the Netflix thing for years now, but now that they can stream movies, real time, over my Playstation 3, i finally exploded in an orgy of techno-fanboy glee and gave 'em my credit card.

- Speaking of my girlfriend Earl, he and I will be going to the IMAX 3-D Opening day screening of Avatar on Friday. I want to go see it because i have had a hard-on for James Cameron and all of his films for 20 years now. Earl wants to go because when the movie starts i like to rub his thigh during the trailers.

Anyway, as you all know, its hard for me to blog when I'm off from work, so i wont be doing too much of it, but I'll try to let less time go by before i finally succumb and regurgitate something up on the site.

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

Wax On, Wax Off

Mini-Me got into his first fight this weekend.

Remember I told you about THE LITTLE MONSTER FROM THE BLACK LAGOON that I almost put over my knee and spanked this past 4th of July?

Well, Friz took Mini-Me to a friend’s house on Friday night, for a kiddie holiday party. Unfortunately, Hitler Jr. was ALSO scheduled to be in attendance.

The entire week, my son was telling me….

“Daddy, do I HAVE to go?”
“ I don’t like that kid… He’s a bully”

… and on and on.

Anyway, they weren’t there for more than 30 minutes, playing outside, before Mini-Me runs into the house, half in tears, saying how Little Damian apparently didn’t like the way Mini-Me was throwing the ball, and decided it would be fun to just knock him down and punch him, instead.

If I had been there, I do believe I FINALLY would have hit the kid, but Friz, who had ALSO finally had enough of this little monster, pulled my son aside, cleaned him up and told him that “This is EXACTLY the kind of situation that he has been going to Karate class for the past year and a half.”

We’ve been telling him from the beginning that his learning Karate was only for “self – defense”, but, being only 6, I don’t think he ever really understood what that exactly meant until that moment.

Brave little man he is, he nodded, and went back outside to play.

30 minutes later, the ladies heard the all the kids outside, screaming.

When everyone ran outside, the group all stood open-mouthed at the site of my son beating the living crap out of this little schmuck.

Apparently, Shithead Jr. once again decided that he didn’t like the way my son was throwing the ball, and decided to knock him down again. This time my son got himself up, charged at him, and knocked him on his big fat ass. Finally having hit his limit, my son jumped him, and proceeded to karate-chop the shit out of him.

By the time Friz reached him to pull him off the kid, Mini-Me had schmuko crying his fat head off, and his jacket was ripped to ribbons.

One of the other kids that were there said they had never seen anything like it.

When they got home, poor Mini-Me at first didn’t want to tell me about it. He was afraid he was going to get into trouble, bless his little heart.

“Trouble” was the farthest thing he was going to get from ME.

I felt like going out and getting him a cigar, and a hooker, but I’m not sure he’s old enough to appreciate either one of those things yet.

Give him time………

Friday, December 04, 2009

Sometimes, The Funny Comes Right To YOU

Golf Digest, which you would normally have to pin my eyes open “Clockwork Orange” style to ever get me to try to read, put out their latest issue on newsstands this morning.

If you open your window and listen VERY closely, you can probably hear, right NOW, the editor at Golf Digest being fired for not being able to pull this month’s cover story, or at least change the cover, before the issue was released to the public.

“10 Tips Obama Can Take From Tiger”???????

Are you kidding me?

Now, I haven’t read the issue yet, but let me take a wild stab at this one…..

1) If you have a net worth of roughly $500 million, don’t have your wife sign a pre-nup if you are gonna start banging other chicks.

2) Its probably not a good idea to indulge in too much sexting with other women.

3) Keep your golf clubs safetly locked away when not in use.

4) When being attacked by a jealous wife running at you with a 9-Iron while you are pulling out of the driveway, remember to check your blind spots!

5) Leaving incriminating phone messages telling girls that you are going to “wear them out” might not be in your best interest.

6) There aren’t too many lucrative endorsement deals out there for “Golfer/Horn Dog”.

7) If you just HAVE to screw around, make sure the girls you pick aren’t models/reality stars craving media attention.

8) Issuing a public statement saying “These allegations are totally untrue”, and then issuing a second statement 48 hours later saying “Hey, I fucked up!” makes you look like a douche-cake.

9) Sometimes, when you are being chased in your SUV by a pissed-off white woman with a golf club, trees can kind of sneak up on you. Look out!

10) If you are rich, famous, and just want to bang a lot of chicks, you probably should think twice about getting married in the first place.

And let’s not forget the OTHER great articles that are apparently included in this issue.......

“How to Outsmart your buddies”?

“Load it and Let it Go!”

Seriously, I need to stop now….. they are making it way too damn easy for me.

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Michael Jackson Terrorizes Children *

And no, I don’t mean in “that” way…..

I mean in the “Holy Crap I think Michael Jackson just scared the living shit out of my son” way….

Last night, I was playing a computer game with Mini-Me. We recently picked up this cute puzzle game called Plants Vs Zombies. I bought it because, as we all know, zombies are the Shiznit.

PvsZ is this cute game where you build plants in a garden in an effort to try to stop these little cutesy cartoon zombies from walking on your lawn. It’s very addictive, and it’s actually a good problem-solving game for kids. We’ve both been playing it for the better part of a week now.

Anyway, last night we got up to a new level in the game, and one of the cartoon zombies that attacked us was a cute little Michael Jackson/Thriller style zombie. My son had no idea what it was, and when I explained that it was supposed to be MJ, he became curious about it, and wanted to know more about Thriller.

Now, I haven’t seen that video in at least 20 years now. All I really remembered was that the Gloved-One dances around like a pixie, doing a lame-ass choreographed dance for 20 minutes. I figured, that was pretty damn safe for a 7 year old.

So, off to Youtube we went, where I quickly found the video. As it started, I realized that I had COMPLETELY forgotten about the beginning, where MJ is walking his girlfriend through the park, and the full moon starts to rise, and he starts to change.

There is a scene where he sinks under the camera shot, and then POPS back up, now with demon-yellow eyes and fangs.

Well, my friends, it was right at that moment when Mini-Me just about shit his pants with fright.

I really felt bad about it. I totally forgot that that damnable video had a “BOO!” moment in it. Mini-Me went running out of the room, crying his eyes out, screaming for Friz while yelling at me “I’m only seven! Why would you show me that???”

Why, indeed?

So anyway, it was right at that moment that I knew I was going to be completely FUCKED for sleep last night.

And fucked I was.

Mini-Me woke up about every 2 hours last night, yelling for me.

Michael Jackson is in my room….
Michael Jackson is under my bed…
Michael Jackson is in the bathroom…

And on and on…..

I have to admit, having Michael Jackson under my bed would pretty much scare the bejesus out of me too, and that’s even now that he’s dead.

Anyway, I really feel bad about it, but if it’s any consolation, I am completely paying the price for my stupidity this morning. I am dead to the world, and can barely keep my eyes open.

Since I’ve apparently already destroyed his innocence, I might as well go the Full Monte tonight and just make him watch the Evil Dead trilogy.

Hey, the boy’s got to grow up sometime….

* Was the title of this post inappropriate or offensive? Too soon?

Guess, what? I could give a rat’s ass.

Happy Wednesday, all!