Tuesday, November 10, 2009

I'm A Magic Man

So, we survived yet another Mini-Me birthday party this past weekend.

As I mentioned last week, this year we hired a magician.

Unfortunately, he did NOT come dressed as Doug Henning (that would have been aces).

He was dressed all in black, which I guess was to make him look mystical. He actually looked a little like Jimmy Smits.

Anyway, he came in looking all mysterious, and he set up his gadgets, and sound system (apparently magic needs a soundtrack).

All was going ok until his CD started to skip, and he was forced to put on some easy listening music. Nothing kills that Magic-Buzz like hearing a skipping CD while the magician pretends for the first 30 seconds like he planned it that way.

After the sound malfunction, things seemed to once more be on track. The 20 young-uns in attendance seemed right-pleased with the parade of magic knots, and color-changing handkerchiefs that they were awash with for the next 20 minutes or so.

It was all going pretty well, actually….

…until he tried to set my house on fire.

At one point in the show, I see the dude take out a squeeze bottle of lighter fluid. At first, I thought it was mustard. I thought, “Hey, maybe he wants to make a sandwich”.

Then he pulled out two burnt-looking batons, and my genius-level intellect started to put two and two together.

He proceeded to spray lighter fluid on the batons, then quickly set them ablaze.

Then he started to juggle them and throw them really high in the air.

The dude was in my fucking LIVING ROOM!!

Some of the flames were literally licking my ceiling, as he continued to throw them around with seemingly juvenile glee.

I was about to put down my video camera and calmly instruct him in front of the little ones to “X-NAY on the UCKING-FAY IRE-FAY!”, but before I could, Mini-Me, who is deathly afraid of loud noises, started yelling “Stop it! You’re gonna set off our fire alarm!”

He got the hint.

After his pyromancer act, he managed to get back on track and do some pretty impressive tricks. Then he closed off his set by producing two rabbits and some doves.

The kiddies ate it all up, and to top things off, not one of them (the animals OR kids) shit on the floor.

If I can BEAR to view it again, I may have to put the whole arson-filled episode up on Youtube and link it for ya’ll to enjoy.

In the end, all that matters is that Mini-Me was on cloud 9, and felt like King Shit for the day.

All in all, a good day indeed.


Verdant Earl said...

But I would only wear that outfit for you, pookie-bear. ;)

Suzi Q said...

Sounds like a fantastic birthday! I'd love to watch it on youtube!

meleah rebeccah said...

that does sound like a great day, except for the whole magician almost lighting your house on fire situation!

Happy Bday to mini-you

Dr Zibbs said...

Doug Henning..

Anonymous said...

So for his last trick h disappeared?

i am the diva said...

I'm sorry, but does ANYONE ELSE keep imagining GOB from Arrested Development while reading this story!?


Glad it was a Happy Birthday for the little dude.

Scott Oglesby said...

That was hilarious. You had me at “X-nay off the ucking-fay ire-fay.” The way that act was going, I’m surprised the rabbits didn’t begin performing fellatio on each other.

Nej said...


Anxiously awaiting the youtube link! :-)

Susan Higgins said...

Oh, please put it up on youtube... I need another laugh, I need a visual to go along with your funny story.

I'm still laughing.

You rock!

Mrs. Hall said...

For the love of all that is goodness, put that up on your site.

flames and all.

DUDE!!!! WTF??? really fire in the living room.

lord help us all.


Unknown said...

Damnnnnn....Doug Henning! I had forgotten all about him. As far as your "magician". I would have been freakin' out!!!

The Peach Tart said...

Oh hell no not in the house.

GiGi said...

Really want to see the video. Unbelievable! At least your son was smart enough to say something ~ my boy probably would have asked to hold one of the flaming batons!

Anonymous said...

Yeah I would love to see that fire laden video! I can't believe someone would do that and not warn you first - or at least make you sign a waiver! So funny that Mini-me stopped the show!

Glad he had a good birthday.

sybil law said...

Fire! Fire!
Awesome. :)
You should really go as Doug Henning for Halloween next year. That get -up is the shizz.

~The South Dakota Cowgirl~ said...

I was reading this going, oh, shit. oh, shit. oh shit! which then forced me to share the story with Zach who was sitting in the next room.

Glad the critters he pulled out of his hat were housebroke, and if you wanna you-tube it, I'd totally watch kiddos mesmerized by a magician!

Tamara said...

Sounds... entertaining. glad your kidlet enjoyed the near disaster.

ChrisM said...

When did John begin working as a magician?

Faiqa said...

Seriously? Fire? Inside the house? REALLY? If you weren't such a pillar of the community, I'd think you made that up.

Glad the birthday was a blast (and that your kid stepped in to save the day...)

terri said...

Your magician wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, was he? Who thinks flaming batons in a living room is a good idea? I'm glad it all turned out well in the end and it was a good birthday party for the little guy!

Expat No. 3699 said...

Flaming batons and no marshmallows? The least he could have done was whip up a batch of s'mores.

I'm glad the lil' guy had a great party.

Unknown said...

Sounds like a fun party. Despite that whole your house almost going up in flames part.

Elise said...

I love the tackiness of it all. The skipping CD, the fire, the outfit...

Sounds like a nightmare I once had. xx

Chris H said...

Yep, it does sound very TACKY... and no way in HELL would I have let anyone juggle burning ANYTHINGS in my lounge room! Pfffft... you win a prize for not going nuts at the twit.

Chris H said...

ANd how did Friggin Earl get ahead of me in the comments? Did he MULTI-comment or sommit?

Chris H said...

Not that I would do such a thing! NEVER!

2abes said...

maybe it was magic fire and only burned on the batons! who in their right mind would lite up a fire like that in someones living room. I wonder how many smoke alarms he has set off, or maybe he was trying out a new trick for the first time in your house

Cocaine Princess said...

Good to know the party was a success. That magician should have known better.

teeni said...

Those magicians always scare me. I think they are on the same level as scary clowns in my book. I never invite one into my home. 0.0

But I'm glad your mini-you enjoyed it. That's what it was all for. :)

mo.stoneskin said...

"Nothing kills that Magic-Buzz like hearing a skipping CD while the magician pretends for the first 30 seconds like he planned it that way."

Hilarious. I would have loved to see him flinch as it skipped and pretend it was meant to be.

Bruce Johnson said...

Flaming batons in your living room.....hehehehe...sweet.

Pearl said...

Any party that ends without someone shitting on the floor was not really a party.


Nice post!