Sunday, October 04, 2009

One

One year ago today, I found you, sleeping.

One year ago today, I could not wake you up.

One year ago today, I sat on a cold kitchen floor, holding your hand for hours, until they took you from me.

One year without the closest friend I will ever have.

Everyone says it gets easier. Some days, that's true.

It's NOT true today.

I hope you liked the flowers I planted at your grave this morning. Your great-grandson picked them out especially for you. He said that he knew you would like them. Was he right?

I didn't MAKE him come with me today. He ASKED to come. Can you believe how much he's grown in just one year? He misses you too. He keeps a picture of you on his nightstand. He's such a good boy. He does well in school, and has a big heart. You would be proud.

I try to teach him and raise him, as you did to me. I fear that I am not as good as you were at this task. I try to be like you. I try.

I wish I knew what to do to make the simple act of just "remembering" you not hurt so much.

I had thought the answer was "time", but I was wrong.

You had such a hard life, and at the end of it, you died alone.

I am so sorry that when you needed me most, I was not there for you like you were ALWAYS there for me.

I work at making you proud of me, everyday.

Always in my heart.

Always.

41 comments:

Michelle said...

Beautiful.

xxx

B.E. Earl said...

Wow, that year went by fast.

I'd love to tell you it gets easier, but...

latindog said...

I hadn't realize a year had already gone by since your grandfather passed away. Having heard about your frequent visits with your grandfather over the last four years of his life, I was always impressed by how devoted you were to him and how much you must have cared for him. I'm sure he felt that you were with him when he needed you. I'm also sure that your grandfather was proud to know that you've continued to share his legacy of kindness and generosity with the next generation in your son. Wishing you peace in this difficult time.

sybil law said...

xoxo

Evil Twin's Wife said...

A very touching tribute. {{{Hugs}}}

vixen kitten said...

*hugs* Sugar.

xoxo
~vk~

debi_in_Hawaii said...

Wow, how very blessed that Little Guy had a Great Grandpa in his life, and for you to have had a Grandpa. I was not that fortunate...

i am the diva said...

hugs

Mrs. Holly Hall said...

Oh Slyde, my heart is just breaking for you here. Hugs, hugs and more hugs

If we were Jewish, I would sit Shiva with you. hugs.

mo.stoneskin said...

If I was over there, instead of stuck on a crowded bus on my way to work, sandwiched between college students, I'd give you a hug.

Artful Kisser said...

It's been 9 months for me and still as raw as ever. I'm also finding that time doesn't necessarily make things any easier, most particularly the remembering.

Best wishes Slyde. And I'm sure your Grandfather is proud of the man you've become.

Caz said...

Can you believe it's been a year. Seems much shorter and much longer at the same time. I still miss my gran so much as you know but since my daughter died I've read up so much about heaven and I think my gran and your grandad are happier now. Their bodies are well. They aren't tired, hard of hearing or weak. They are happy. They aren't alone.

Caz said...

Can you believe it's been a year. Seems much shorter and much longer at the same time. I still miss my gran so much as you know but since my daughter died I've read up so much about heaven and I think my gran and your grandad are happier now. Their bodies are well. They aren't tired, hard of hearing or weak. They are happy. They aren't alone.

mikeb302000 said...

I remember when your grandfather died. May you have a gradual healing yet continue to feel his presence like you do.

The Peach Tart said...

What a beautiful tribute to your Grandfather.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Such a beautiful tribute to a beautiful man.

He would be so proud, I'm sure.

2abes said...

i'm sure he's always proud of you and has a tear in his eye as do i after reading this...

Being Brazen said...

*hugs*

great, beautiful post.

Paige Stanton said...

Hugs to you.

terri said...

I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that you have some regrets and I'm sorry that it still hurts. He was proud of you and still is. You know he is. *Hugs*

Kate said...

Okay I'm crying now too. You're a good man sylde.

~The South Dakota Cowgirl~ said...

That was beautiful.
I just lost my 94yo grandmother on Monday, September 28th, 2009. I feel what you're going through.

Sue said...

God, you got me crying with this post! Not that it was hard today. But your post is a reminder to me to enjoy the good and bad days that I have with my mom because these will be the memories I'll have when she's gone. Thanks. I think it gets easier with time. Your Gramps is definitely proud of you.

Vinomom said...

That was just so touching. He knows all your thoughts and your actions and he is proud of you, I'm sure. I was very close to my grandfather as well.

Meghan said...

I'm certain he's proud of you. Beautiful tribute.

Chris H said...

dude.. you are soooo not supposed to make ME cry!
It does get easier, in about 10 years !

Tamara said...

Beautiful post. Big hugs to you. I'm sure your Grandad would be proud of you, Slyde.

Heff said...

Great post, Holmes.

Jack said...

Don't be sad he's gone, be glad he was here to know.

honeywine said...

Forgetting would be worse. You are the man he wanted you to be. If you weren't, you couldn't have written this.

Elle Bee said...

This is a lovely tribute to a man that was obviously very important to you. I know your Grandfather would be proud.
Elle

Arielle Lee Bair said...

What a touching post. I'm glad such a wonderful person had such an impact on your life and on your son's life. Thanks for sharing your grandfather with us.

kanishk said...

Wow, that year went by fast.
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Nej said...

D*mn dude, you're going to make me cry at work.

GiGi said...

Nice post. I think that is one of the best things about blogging - the freedom to really 'get it out'

Lemur said...

Truly touching.

On one hand, I'm so sorry to hear that it hasn't gotten much easier for you. On the other hand, hopefully, you're keeping your good memories fresh.

Cocaine Princess said...

Slyde that was absolutely beautifully written. Wow.

You know I can somewhat relate and as you keep him in your heart you too are in his. Never forget that.

Cocaine Princess said...

P.S. There will come a time when are able to remember him with not so much pain, I promise.

AlleyCat said...

I feel your pain. (((hugs)))

I am sure he is very very proud of you & his great grandson.

Faiqa said...

Sigh. This is what happens when I get behind on my blogs.

A post like this sits in my reader for eight days, and I feel like crap for not being the first person to say, "Slyde, nobody dies alone. Especially people that are loved. Love is not a single moment, but a collection of them. I am *sure* your amazing grandfather knew that you loved him and that in some way, you were with him even if you weren't there at that moment. You are a special man for loving someone that much, for having the humility to admire him and for trying courageously to be honorable like he was. I think one of the greatest feats of the human mind is to make sense of the passing of those we love... it feels like an impossible task. Perhaps it is. I know that the pain of this will never really go away, but I do hope for you that it lessens. I'm sorry. Lots of love to you."

That's what I *would* have said, you know. ::hugs::

Bruce said...

Very touching and well spoken.

(it goes to prove that there is more to you than just being a smoldering sexy beast)