Monday, September 14, 2009

Screw You, FedEx!

Have you ever ordered something that you wanted to arrive at your house SO freaking badly that you didn’t know how you are ever going to survive until it gets to you?

Well, that’s “ME” pretty much every time I order ANYTHING.

What can I say? In terms of being patient and reserved when it comes to buying nifty gadgets, I have the intellectual maturity of a 10 year old.

And I’m fine with that. Really.

EXCEPT, when I’m not.

Case in point: Last week I finally decided to chuck my old Tivo, and get myself a brand-spankin’ new 1080p Super High Definition DVR before the new season of TV starts next week.

By Saturday morning, even though I only ordered the unit (hehe.. I said ‘unit’) TWO days prior, I just HAD to call the company and ask them why my package (wee, I said ‘package’) hasn’t arrived yet. Wow, 2 penis references in 1 paragraph! I want you all to know that I sat here for 10 minutes trying to cram another one here, but I came up empty (yay, I said ‘came’. Mission accomplished!).

Anyway, they told me that their shipments always take 5-7 days, and I shouldn’t expect my DVR until next Wednesday at the earliest.

So, it was with a heavy heart that I finally resigned myself to having to wait for my new techno-bling, and took Mini-Me to McDonalds for lunch.

We were gone about 40 minutes.

Imagine then, my utter shock when we came home to find a little FedEx sticky-note on my door saying, “Sorry we missed you! The package we were trying to deliver is ‘Signature Required’. We’ll try another time! Bite me!” (Ok, maybe it didn’t say bite me, but it was sure as Hell “implied”).

So, I quickly called the number on the note, thinking that the truck can’t be more than 10 minutes from my house, and I could still get my hands on my new toy.

“Hello, Fedex. How can I help you?”

“Hi, I just missed your truck, and I’m expecting a very important package (she did NOT laugh when I said package… bitch!). Can they drop it off?”

“I’m sorry sir, we can’t do that”

“Ok then, can I drive by the warehouse tonight and pick it up?”

“Sorry sir, we don’t do same-day pickups. We can try dropping it off again on Tuesday”

“No, I have this thing called a ‘job'. I work Tuesday. Can I grab it tomorrow?”

“We are closed on Sunday”

“Ok, Monday then?”

“We’re closed Monday too”

“You have GOT to be kidding me! When the Hell can I get this thing?”

“We can probably get it to the warehouse by Wednesday”

So, in the end, the dude I first talked to was right: I am NOT going to be getting my new DVR before Wednesday, but it’s solely because FEDEX IS FUCKING INCOMPETANT!!!!

The final insult came as I was hanging up, when the cheerful bitch told me that I had better CALL THEM Wednesday morning to make sure it got to the warehouse, before I head out there.

Because, it might be asking a lot from them to drive my package sometime in the next 5 days to a warehouse that is 10 DAMN MINUTES AWAY FROM MY HOUSE!

Seriously…. I could hold my fucking breath and almost make it there before I pass out!

Thanks for nuthin’, FedEx.


Verdant Earl said...

Instead of having it shipped, couldn't you have just picked it up at the Cablevision store in the first place?

PS - replace "hours" with "house" in the first sentence before anyone else reads this. Wouldn't want anyone thinking you don't proofread your post.

Slyde said...

i WANTED to do it that way, but they said the only way to get a 1080P brand new one was to get it thru fedex... at the store they are all refurbed and older.

p.s. dick

Chris H said...

Ahh yep, I would have been pissed too!
Wednesday isn't far off! Like it's tuesday here already!

honeywine said...

Wasn't that the inspiration for a bad Alanis Morissette song?

P.S.- I hate that I just had to Clusty Alanis Morissette to find the spelling of her name. Imagine the crap that will fill my inbox. Ha! I said "inbox!" ;)

Heff said...

Lol ! I used to be that way when I ordered stuff. These days, I just don't give a frog's fat ass anymore.

GiGi said...

I'm tired of this mentality of people providing a service, who have the nerve to tell you to remind THEM to do their own job. When I was in the hospital after having my 3rd baby - the nurse said, "Page me and remind me to give you your medicine if I'm not back by 10PM." Let's just say she was lucky that my legs were still like jello after my epidural - or I would have kicked her ass right there!!

mo.stoneskin said...

All delivery services are a damn nightmare. The number of times I've messed up my day because of them. Typically they say they'll turn up 9-5 at my work - I always get it delivered to work unless whatever it is is too big to get back on the train. So I wait until 1pm, no show, so I think well I'll just go out for 5 measly minutes to get a sandwich and sure enough they turn up. Or I get something delivered at home on a Saturday, and I wait inside ALL DAY until it gets to 5 and they don't show, and it turns out some total twat had apparently buzzed the door - and presumably just buzzed once and scooted off or something, probably the baby was crying at that exact time. Nightmare.

Unknown said...

I'm a gotta have it now now now person to. I'm such a goober that when I order things I'll pay the extra for express shipping. This is a real joke when you find out what you ordered is on back order any freakin' way!

sybil law said...

I had THE most ridiculous experience getting a package (heehee!) delivered to me once, and now I just won't deal with it again. It's fecking stoopid.

debi_in_Hawaii said...

******Where the FUCK did you get that pic of me????!!!*************

Mrs. Hall said...


maybe this is god telling you to get out of the house more.

just saying.


AlleyCat Runs said...

Poor Possums. Lucky its not cumming (hahaa) by Australia Post or you might have to wait a month. or so!

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Of course they came when you stepped out for a moment.

The old Murphy's Law syndrome working it's evil once again.

2abes said...

sounds like fedex sucks, u should use pony express, even fighting through savage indian attacks they were much more reliable.

Tamara said...

You think you have it bad? The South African Postal Service has been on strike for the past few weeks, so we can't get post at all at the moment.

Susan Higgins said...

Mercury is Retrograde... whaddya expect?

When Mercury appears to be moving backward in the skies communications and mechanical stuff tends to breakdown rapidly.

Only 3 more weeks until it goes direct... yay!

Anonymous said...


With such crushing problems in your life, how do you survive from day to day?

Vinomom said...

Anonymous sounds like an asshole. Whoever said blogs were about crushing problems? They are just a place to bitch about the dumb shit that happens to us.

Anyways thanks for stopping by my place.

And if it were only ten minutes before I totally would have gotten in my car and driven around to find the truck. I've done it before and they will give you the package as long as you sign for it.

Kimberly said...

Yo brotha - what can BROWN do for you?

Brittany said...

I once bought a bottle of wine for my ex over the internet, since they needed a signature and ID they couldn't leave it at the door or with the manager of the buildings... the present ended up being two weeks late, because they were either too late or too early! UGH! FED EX really does suck!


i am the diva said...

i come for the dick jokes!!! you never disappoint.

tee hee, come...

Unknown said...

I hate Fed-Ex. UPS is the bomb!!!!!

Cocaine Princess said...

I had a similar problem with FED-EX. I was expecting a shipment and they gave me a window of time. 8-1. I waited until 3 and no one came so I left. They showed up at 5 and there was a letter stuck to the front door stating I wasn't home and I needed to go to their Fed-Ex office which was at the airport to pick up the parcel. I contacted their office and spoke to their supervisor and gave them hell. My parcel was on my doorstep the next afternoon.

Nej said...

For a while, our doorbell at home wasn't I put a neon pink 8 1/2 x 11 sheet of paper on it that says - please knock on door if signature is required - doorbell doesn't work. Then I taped it down all the way around the sign, so there's no way they could get to the doorbell.

Luckily, I was notified of the delivery person's presence (by my barking dog).

I walked out the back door and around to the front of the house. And there, on my doorstep, is the delivery person peeling the tape from around the sign.

It wasn't until she saw me, and the stupid look on my face, when she read the sign.



Bruce Johnson said...

Since you did this post 'before' I had a chance to, I will have to shelve mine.

I order a lot of stuff I don't need off of ebay (usually LaserDiscs and outdated computer components) and I can't stand it when someone sends it FedEx. They might as well send it to Siberia, since it takes that long to get my hands on it, since everyone I know works during the day and isn't home to anser the damn door with the men in brown show up.