Wednesday, September 16, 2009

The Doody Protocol

I got together with some old friends the other night, and as we usually do, the alcohol started flowing, and some old stories started flowing as well.

One of the things that my friends always bust me on, is my psychotic temper. The problem with me is not that I have a “bad” temper exactly. It’s just that I have no “middle ground”. I am a notoriously meek pushover, until I have been pushed to a certain point, and then I go all “Wolverine Berserker” at the drop of a hat. It’s true. If “Anger” has a scale from 1 to 10, MY internal anger management skills would keep me at 1 for a looong time, and then instantly skyrocket to 50. Maybe it’s just my hot Sicilian blood.

Anyway, I hadn’t thought about this story in years, but to a select few, this tale will be known till the end of time, as The Doody Protocol.

A few years back, a good friend of mine asked me to spend the week with him out on Block Island, on his father’s luxury sailboat.

His dad had his boat moored near his home out in Brooklyn and he was sailing it up to Block Island to spend some time there. He said we could take the Montauk Ferry out to Rhode Island to meet him there. He would then take a car home so we could have the boat to ourselves.

What 20-something WOULDN’T jump at that opportunity?

Anyway, when we got there, we discovered that the boat was docked out in the ocean. We had to TAKE a boat to GET to the boat!

The boat was STUNNING. It was a dead ringer for the one in DEAD CALM and the whole scene reminded me of that film (except that I’m much better looking than Billy Zane, and my friend was NO Nicole Kidman).

Anyway, as we were settling in to our new nautical home, I started exploring the ship.

When I happened upon the bathroom, I walked in and was surprised to discover a BIG sign affixed on the wall over the toilet:

“Do NOT attempt to flush paper of ANY kind in this toilet. Thanks!”

I left the bathroom, puzzled, and searched out my friend.

“Hey, I just checked out the bathroom”

“Yeah, pretty cool boat, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, but I gotta ask… what’s with the sign?”

“What sign?”

“The sign that says, don’t throw any kind of paper into the toilet”

“Oh yeah. Well, the boat operates on a bilge pump for the toilet, and it’s not strong enough to flush paper products”.

“ANY kind of paper?”

“Yeah, anything.”

At this point, I stood there waiting for him to realize what exactly had me so puzzled. He still wasn’t getting it.

“Ok, but what do we have to do if we need to go to the bathroom?”

“Oh, that’s fine”

“How can it be fine? You just said we can’t put paper of any kind in the toilet”

“Yeah, we really shouldn’t.”

“OOOOH-Kay, then how the Hell do we go to the bathroom?”

“What do you mean? You just go”

“But I can’t put any paper down the toilet”


I was getting frustrated. “You really don’t see what I’m getting at here?”

“Not really, no.”

“How do I … take care of all my bathroom ‘needs’, if I cant put paper down the toilet?”

“I told you, NO paper down the toilet. You’ll clog the whole fucking thing.”

“I KNOW. You keep saying that, but you aren’t explaining what I need to do if I have to go to the bathroom on this piece of shit boat”

“What is your problem? If you have to go to the bathroom, just go! Why are you being a such dick about it?”

And there, ladies and gentlemen, was where I hit my famous boiling point.

I jumped up, ready to kill someone. I grabbed him by the shirt, threw him up against the wall, and screamed into his face….


“Oh, that. Toilet paper is ok”

Then we just looked at each other and broke into 20 minutes of hysterics.

But that’s how it is (or at least, should be), with old, good friends.

Anyway, over the years the story has been told so many times, by so many different people, I’m surprised the Lifetime channel hasn’t optioned it for a movie yet.

I’m not sure what part Melissa Gilbert would play, but she’s ALWAYS in those fucking things.


mo.stoneskin said...

Yeah I had already heard that story, local pub quiz question, you are a legend my friend. Though in the story I heard you threw your friend off the boat.

You and I are quite alike. I placidly sail through life remaining constantly at a 1 and then *bang*, somebody pushes me over the edge, an imbicilic driver for example.

Dr Zibbs said...

"Wolverine Berserker"???? HAHAHHAAA

Is that a term you made up??

I'm using that!

Slyde said...

mo: so, my legend has travelled across the pond? awesome!

zibbs: You can use it, if you pay me.

The Peach Tart said...

What a funny story. I would have probably been more direct and just asked him what the hell do I do with my ass wipe?

Mrs. Hall said...

no fuse with the anger eh?

problems with temper eh?

it's like you are just goading me to analysis you. but I won't.

I can say that that makes no damn sense. If the toliet doesn't have the strength to handle TP then um, how can it handle a load?

well. either way. funny story about you going apeshit.

hee hee, seee what i did there? A pun!!


Unknown said...

Pretty sure that my blood started boiling while reading that conversation! But man oh man, funny stuff!

2abes said...

i missed this whole scene in dead calm, did billy zane follow this protocol?

Slyde said...

peach: see, thats my problem. Directness doesnt come easy to me (until its too late)

holly: i agree, but i have long since, for the sake of my mental health, decided NOT to dwell on how that toilet could possibly work...

case: thanky!

abes: no, i believe he pooped all over the pool deck.

Verdant Earl said...

Yeah, a simple "even toilet paper?" after the initial question probably would have saved a lot of trouble.

By the way, your adware is now hocking toilet products. Silly man.

Unknown said...

I agree 100% with B.E. Earl. Why couldn't he have just said toilet paper is ok. Boy, assumptions sure can get ya in trouble especially with Wolverine Berserker!!!!

Slyde said...

earl: you never really understood me, did you?

roschelle: i was trying to be 'delicate'. I'm dainty like that.

i am the diva said...

you're the only guy i know who can take a situation like that, make it hilarious, and then blog about it... except maybe earl.

you two fill my dick and fart joke cup. ...uhm....

Heff said...

Dude. Hold your temper. You were on a BOAT. You could have just taken a dump over the side, anyway !

Slyde said...

diva: and THATS why i love you.. always pumping my ego like that!

heff: beleive me, it almost came to that...

SK Waller said...

I would have just asked if I can use TP. I think you Sicilians like to set people up so you can go crazy on them! I love ya anyway (my friend Jacey is also Sicilian).

Vinomom said...

GREAT story. I would be just as concerned as you were about taking care of business. I'm not understanding why your friend did not understand the question.

I love those stories that you tell over and over with the same group of friends. I have one (this is back in the day) where I had slept with the same guy like three times, but was calling him the wrong name and didn't know it. (and he didn't think to correct me) Thats a classic.

Evil Twin's Wife said...

My ex boss had a boat and we'd all go out and drink a bunch of beer, then he'd gripe because all us girls would stop up the head with toilet paper. What were we supposed to do - drip dry?

Slyde said...

steph: the fact that i set people up so i can go postal on them later had NOTHING to do with this!

vino: now THAT is a story that I want to hear!

evil: yeah, but did you all need that much?

honeywine said...

I want that on a t-shirt. What IS the Doody protocol on this damned boat?!

Slyde said...

honey: ya know, i think i'd BUY one of those shirts...

Unknown said...

LOVE it! I mean what the hell? Why couldn't the sign just read "except toilet paper"

I know I wouldn't be using the bathroom if I couldn't use TP.. my ass would hang over the boat instead.

I'm glad you didn't pulverize your friend

Ookami Snow said...

TP isn't paper?

sybil law said...

My temper threshold is a lot like yours... I can take a LOT, but eventually, I just explode!
Still - I say your friend was dense not to get what you meant!

Dorkys Ramos said...

I also thought no paper include tp as well...and I just figured there'd a trash can for that.

Slyde said...

dizz: i never saw them do THAT in Dead Calm...

ookami: apparently not.

sybil: dense, my dear, is an understatement

dorkys: a trash can? for tp?

Susan Higgins said...

Your post didn't let me down... you gave me a good laugh this morning. Thank you!

Real Live Lesbian said...

In the movie, you'll have a hot girlfriend and she'll be Half Pint Gilbert.

Your mom will be played by Patty Duke. ;) She's always the mom, isn't she?

Nej said...

The sign in the BATHROOM said no paper flushing...but you are supposed to know that toilet PAPER is OK? I blame the whole thing on poor signage.

Anonymous said...

Little known movie fact:

There WAS a scene like this in Dead Calm - it was a similar exchange that finally pushed Billy Zane's character over the edge of sanity with the group in the schooner.

Unfortunately, it's only available in the director's cut.

I shit you not.


Unknown said...

Ha Ha Ha!!!! That is freaking great. And really? He had NO idea what you were talking about? Oh. My. God.

But my favorite line? "Hot Sicilian Blood" oh my. And just how hot are we talking?

Slyde said...

sue: happy to oblige!

reallive: patty duke? BLAH!

Brewb: are you the little minx that has been leaving anonymous comments, or is this your first one?

bina: I keep TELLING you how you can easily find out.

Vinomom said...

Maybe I'll post it soon - the problem is the story is so conviluted it doesn't really make great blog fodder.

Unknown said...

Oh Slyde I love it when you get all hot(tempered) and bothered even if it is over asswipe :P

Tamara said...

Hehehe... Funny man. I am the same though - I can go from you're-annoying-me-but-I'm-handling-it to I-may-be-small-but-I'm-still-about-to-kick-your-ass in about five seconds flat ;-)

Gave you an award, if you want it.

Chris H said...

Pity you didn't just ask him right at the beginning if TOILET PAPER was included in the 'no paper' ban! I too have a temper that takes a while to kick in. Luckily it doesn't too often.

Slyde said...

vino: yeah, but it involves naked people, and im always interested in that stuff :)

tamara: Of course i love that award. You rock, you know.

Chrish: yeah, i readily admit that might have made things easier, but 10 years later i wouldnt have as good of a story, would i?

Slyde said...

meghan: it doesnt take much for me to get hot and bothered....

Faiqa said...

Hehehe, funny story.

And, you know, I am the same exact way and so is my husband. We are pleasant TO A FAULT and then someone will do something innocuous like interrupt while we're telling a story and we'll just go ballistic. I'm trying to work on that, but confronting someone without getting worked up into a maniacal frenzy is actually kinda hard.

Heh. I said "hard." ;)

~ A Moxie Mom said...

That story is great! I'm still laughing!

Bruce Johnson said...

I think using the word - ass-wipe - would have been appropriate here.