I got together with some old friends the other night, and as we usually do, the alcohol started flowing, and some old stories started flowing as well.
One of the things that my friends always bust me on, is my psychotic temper. The problem with me is not that I have a “bad” temper exactly. It’s just that I have no “middle ground”. I am a notoriously meek pushover, until I have been pushed to a certain point, and then I go all “Wolverine Berserker” at the drop of a hat. It’s true. If “Anger” has a scale from 1 to 10, MY internal anger management skills would keep me at 1 for a looong time, and then instantly skyrocket to 50. Maybe it’s just my hot Sicilian blood.
Anyway, I hadn’t thought about this story in years, but to a select few, this tale will be known till the end of time, as The Doody Protocol.
A few years back, a good friend of mine asked me to spend the week with him out on
Block Island, on his father’s luxury sailboat.
His dad had his boat moored near his home out in Brooklyn and he was sailing it up to Block Island to spend some time there. He said we could take the Montauk Ferry out to Rhode Island to meet him there. He would then take a car home so we could have the boat to ourselves.
What 20-something WOULDN’T jump at that opportunity?
Anyway, when we got there, we discovered that the boat was docked out in the ocean. We had to TAKE a boat to GET to the boat!
The boat was STUNNING. It was a dead ringer for the one in
DEAD CALM and the whole scene reminded me of that film (except that I’m much better looking than Billy Zane, and my friend was NO Nicole Kidman).
Anyway, as we were settling in to our new nautical home, I started exploring the ship.
When I happened upon the bathroom, I walked in and was surprised to discover a BIG sign affixed on the wall over the toilet:
“Do NOT attempt to flush paper of ANY kind in this toilet. Thanks!”
I left the bathroom, puzzled, and searched out my friend.
“Hey, I just checked out the bathroom”
“Yeah, pretty cool boat, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, but I gotta ask… what’s with the sign?”
“What sign?”
“The sign that says, don’t throw any kind of paper into the toilet”
“Oh yeah. Well, the boat operates on a bilge pump for the toilet, and it’s not strong enough to flush paper products”.
“ANY kind of paper?”
“Yeah, anything.”
At this point, I stood there waiting for him to realize what exactly had me so puzzled. He still wasn’t getting it.
“Ok, but what do we have to do if we need to go to the bathroom?”
“Oh, that’s fine”
“How can it be fine? You just said we can’t put paper of any kind in the toilet”
“Yeah, we really shouldn’t.”
“OOOOH-Kay, then how the Hell do we go to the bathroom?”
“What do you mean? You just go”
“But I can’t put any paper down the toilet”
“Right”
I was getting frustrated. “You really don’t see what I’m getting at here?”
“Not really, no.”
“How do I … take care of all my bathroom ‘needs’, if I cant put paper down the toilet?”
“I told you, NO paper down the toilet. You’ll clog the whole fucking thing.”
“I KNOW. You keep saying that, but you aren’t explaining what I need to do if I have to go to the bathroom on this piece of shit boat”
“What is your problem? If you have to go to the bathroom, just go! Why are you being a such dick about it?”
And there, ladies and gentlemen, was where I hit my famous boiling point.
I jumped up, ready to kill someone. I grabbed him by the shirt, threw him up against the wall, and screamed into his face….
“FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WILL YOU JUST FUCKING TELL ME WHAT IS THE FUCKING DOODY PROTOCOL ON THIS FUCKING BOAT?”
“Oh, that. Toilet paper is ok”
Then we just looked at each other and broke into 20 minutes of hysterics.
But that’s how it is (or at least, should be), with old, good friends.
Anyway, over the years the story has been told so many times, by so many different people, I’m surprised the Lifetime channel hasn’t optioned it for a movie yet.
I’m not sure what part Melissa Gilbert would play, but she’s ALWAYS in those fucking things.