Friday, August 14, 2009

Naked Isn’t Always Better

Last night my neighbors saw me naked.

Ok, let me back up a bit.

I’ve said before how much I love the summer months. The hotter the better, I say. The warm weather goes by so damn quickly, that I always try to make the most of it.

Take last night, for example.

I have a pool in my backyard. It’s a nice big pool. I like my pool. I like swimming in my pool.

On a nice, hot, summer night, I like swimming in my pool naked.

Now, I’m not an exhibitionist or anything, but my backyard is completely secluded (or so I thought), with a 6 ½ foot PVC fence, and there are virtually NO Lights on in my area at night. In short, you really can’t see so much as your hand in front of your face back there at night.

I’m a bit of a night owl, so it’s not unusual for me to be up till 2am or so, long after everyone else in the house is fast asleep. I’m not exactly sure when it started, but a few years back, on a particularly hot and sultry night, I decided to take a late night dip in the pool. All I had on was a pair of shorts, and I was too lazy to run upstairs to get a bathing suit.

I took a look outside, saw how dark it was out there, and finally said “What the fuck?”, and went for it.

I must say, it’s quite liberating. I’m not a nudist or anything, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t find it very relaxing to be puttering about in my pool all commando-like.

Well, it wasn’t too fucking relaxing last night.

It was about midnight, and I decided to take a dip. So there I am, swimming around with my frank and beans all exposed, when suddenly my entire backyard becomes as bright as the noonday sun!

It took me a second to realize that my neighbors decided to go out onto their patio, and turned on the flood lamps on the side of their house. I guess they have never used them before, because I noticed for the first time that they completely light up my backyard.

The next thing I know, my neighbors come strolling out onto their patio!

So here I am, hiding in the water, sinking down to my nose, trying like Hell to not even make a splash. I must have looked like Martin Sheen in Apocalypse now (except I’m MUCH better looking).

So, I’m thinking that they must have come out for just a second, to get something, when out walk about another dozen people, with a case of beer between them.

Apparently, they decided it was a good night to have a late night deck party!

So, I’m floating there, feeling like an idiot, listening to them drink and have a good time.

5 minutes go by. 10 minutes.

At the 15 minute mark, I figured that I could either a) sleep in my pool all night, or b) make a run for it.

I decided on option b.

But, how to proceed? Most of my daily activities involve me just looking good. I don’t do a lot of subterfuge.

I decided I COULDN’T just get out of the pool by the stairs, since I’d have to climb up and basically stand there shaking my hey-nanny-nanny at the partygoers.

So, I quietly paddled to the far end of the pool, grabbed the side, and somersaulted myself over the side.

I did NOT land gracefully.

When I looked around, still dripping wet and hiding behind a shrub, I cursed myself when I discoved that I left my towel WAAAAAY over on the other side of the backyard.

I sat there in a panic for about 5 minutes. I’m not sure what the hell I was waiting for. It's not like i want people seeing my loose diamonds flap about in the breeze. Some kind of sign from God, maybe? But finally, I decided I needed to just go for it.

So, I made a break for my towel, running across the grass.

I almost made it, too.

Right as I reached my towel, I suddenly heard the conversation next door COMPLETELY FUCKING STOP! Hearing that silence was worse than a gunshot.

Then I heard someone say, “Well, would ya look at that!”

I never had the courage to turn around to see who said it. I just ran in the house and locked the door.

I guess, being completely busted, I should have just stopped and taken a bow.

Now, I’m terrified of seeing these people out in broad daylight. I have no idea what I’m going to say to them.

And I just KNOW that when I DO see them, the whole time they are talking to me, all that will be going through their head is…

“I saw your pee-pee! I saw your pee-pee!”

Not one of my proudest moments, I’ll admit.


Heff said...

Aw, hell. I HAD to be first onthis post, didn't I ?

Oh well, it was damn good for a laugh. Hey, at least it wasn't cold outside !

Verdant Earl said...

Nothing like taking a dip in the nude. Last time we stayed in Montauk, our hotel had a secluded pool that they never locked. I woke up one morning around 4AM to take a walk on the beach. When I got back I saw the pool and wanted to take a dip. Same bathing suit. But it was real secluded and it was like 5AM, so I just shucked it all and jumped in. And I didn't get caught.

Being an exhibitionist in a pool in the privacy of your own home is one thing. Doing it in a semi-public pool in a resort town is another. It felt great!

The Peach Tart said...

I've had a similar incident years ago and it was pretty embarrassing. I did however do the curtsy thing and there were a few claps from the bystanders.

Perhaps they just saw your ass as you were running by.

Suzi Q said...

Why do such hillarious things just happen to you? You should have taken a bow, that would have been priceless!

Dr Zibbs said...

I bet you're going to knock on their door and give them the talk about shrinkage aren't you?

Dr Zibbs said...

Great post by the way too.

vixen kitten said...

You need to learn to relax!

I love to skinny dip, and after the beach empties out and darkness takes over I will strip down and dive in. Sometimes when I come out there are people walking by. I just smile and say "beautiful evening huh" and they usually mumble in agreement and keep walking.

Just remember, they all have a pee-pee too!


Unknown said...

I am so jealous of your neighbors! That story just made my day! I'm just glad it happened to you and not to me ;)

Evil Twin's Wife said...

There's a good chance they only saw your rear, if you were running real fast!

Still, this story is hilarious!!

terri said...

I'm wanting to find something to say that will make you feel better about this, but I'm at a loss. The best I can offer is to find some way to make light of it and don't let them see your embarrassment. If they think you were embarrassed, they'll prey on it. If you act like it was no big deal and you were totally in control, they'll be forced to let it go.

debi_in_Hawaii said...

Be PROUD of that Frank n Beans!!!!

Michelle said...



Mrs. Hall said...



such a good neighbor,

giving free shows!! :)


SK Waller said...

What's the big deal? (ahem) It's your pool, your yard, your wanger, your business. What's the point of having all that sex appeal if you don't waggle it at someone once in a while?

Thanks for the laughs!

Ruby Isabella said...

14 comments so far, more than a dozen on the balcony. Your predictament has entertained so many. Thanks for the laugh.

badgerdaddy said...

You rule.

latindog said...

You're now the neighbor that likes to swim in his pool nude. They will never look at you, your pool, or your house without thinking of that and they will mention it to everyone else who ever visits their backyard. Hilarious!

sybil law said...

Naked swimming is the best!!!
I hate to say it, but I was quite the hippie when I was younger, and many people knew me as "the naked chick" for various reasons. I was not SLUTTY - just naked. Like, skinny dipping, etc.
Be proud!!!! You should've strutted and waved. :D

JennyMac said...

Nothing nearly that fun occurs in this neighborhood. LOL.

Chris H said...

Dude, you just have to be happy is was the middle of SUMMER and your 'pee pee' was not frozen to the size of ya little finger! Wish I'd been on ya neighbour's patio, with a camera!

~The South Dakota Cowgirl~ said...

That is so funny. Really it is. I love to swim/lay out naked/topless etc.

I wanna know why your neighbor's floodlight light up your back yard too? That in and of itself would irritate me, I think.

I'm still giggling over your whole ordeal!

cathy said...

9am Monday morning and via Chris's page I came to yours - flippin heck, I have not cried so much in absolutely ages! Gosh, reading that was SO FUNNY - Sorry! XCathy

Tamara said...

Well thank you, Slyde. You just cheered my whole Monday up with your tale of humiliation ;-)

mo.stoneskin said...

You'll probably remember my story of when I found myself naked at the side of a public pool. I just lost concentration, that's all.

2abes said...

Shouldn't have cut down that tree!

Unknown said...

I'm just surprised the women didn't all run over and try to attack you! I mean, you were ALREADY naked, so they didn't have very much to do!! LOL LOL

My God. This is just so freaking funny! I hate to laugh so much at your expensive ... no, I LOVE it!!! LOL LOL

Unknown said...

I'm just surprised the women didn't all run over and try to attack you! I mean, you were ALREADY naked, so they didn't have very much to do!! LOL LOL

My God. This is just so freaking funny! I hate to laugh so much at your expensive ... no, I LOVE it!!! LOL LOL

Real Live Lesbian said...

That's hilarious!

Invite them all over for a weenie-roast next time! ;)

Bunny Boiler said...

Oh my, what a beautiful picture (grin), serves you right for having a friggin' pool in the first place (still laughing).. said...

Okay, you got a guffaw out of me on my first visit to your blog! I'll be over to swim later!

Bombchell said...

smh LOL that's horrible

Candy's daily Dandy said...


Oh Slyde baby, that was an AWESOME story...I'm sorry I found so much amusement at your expense.

Masterfully told, I could feel your angst as you contemplated your next move.

I'm sure the neighbors will get plenty of mileage out of this story..

hee hee hee hee....

Kimberly said...

Thank you! This made me laugh! Omg...thank you, thank you, thank you!

AD said...


I feel your pain.

I was once seen naked by people. . . oh, wait. That was only a dream. Heh.

Ju said...

Hi, first time here, thanks for stopping by and leaving a nice comment.
Trying to find time to read all your posts.

Ju )

i am the diva said...

you've made my life infinitely better by posting this gem!

Kate said...

Skinny-dipping rules it! Bummer about your neighbors, but considering what a god you are, everyone's probably jealous of your peen.

Nej said...


Michelle said...

Wish I saw your pee pee!

Bruce Johnson said...

Ya see, this is how I would have reacted about 10 years, would have just yelled at them to throw me a beer and that my pool was open to any and all skinny dippers. At this stage of my life, I just don't care what other people think.

mr zig said...

I say you shoulda proudly taken a bow and waved good night as you walked into your house.... :)

Cocaine Princess said...

"Now, I’m terrified of seeing these people out in broad daylight. I have no idea what I’m going to say to them."

Walk proudly and grin!!