Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Golden Rainbows

I have to pee.

I mean, not right NOW…..

But I mean I have this ridiculous compulsion to pee right before I leave to go anywhere.

Anywhere!

And I know exactly when my pee-pee obsession started.

When I was about 7, I remember going out to dinner with my parents, and before we left my father asked me, “Do you have to go to the bathroom?”, and of course, said what ALL kids say, even if they are busting….

“Nope. I’m good!”

So, we all piled into the family car, and drove off. My father had just gotten onto the highway when the need to pee my little pantsies got to be too much, so I told my father that now I DID have to go to the bathroom.

And then I proceeded to basically get the shit kicked out of me the entire way back home with that backhand slap that all parents seem to know how to do from the front seat, as my father had to get off the highway and drive all the way back home so I could go potty, screaming at me all the while.

I guess it made an impression on me.

To this day, I have this overwhelming, all-encompassing URGE to quickly pee before I leave the house, no matter WHERE I’m headed. It could be a cross-country trip to visit Aunt Sally, or it could be a quick run down the block to 7-11, but you can make damn sure that I’ll use the bathroom before I leave.

And it’s always RIGHT before I leave. I mean, like 1 minute before. I do this so I can guarantee that I’ll be as “empty” as possible for my trip. Even if I peed 10 minutes before, I’ll try to go one more time right before I walk out the door.

And it’s not just right before I take a trip, either. For years, Earl has busted my horns because, whenever we go to see a movie together, before we go get our seats, I give him all my candy and bon-bons and shit so I can use the bathroom before the movie starts.

I always knew that it was kinda weird behavior, but I never really put 2 and 2 together as to why I’m like this until a few weeks ago.

I’ve mentioned before how I used to have a touch of OCD when I was a kid (and still have a mild case of it today). I think this little ritual I’ve adopted over the years feeds right into it.

I think tomorrow I’m gonna slam down 2 Super-Sized Big-Gulps, and then get on the Long Island Expressway during Rush Hour. Maybe I can shock myself out of this weirdness.

Or, I could just end up peeing my pants.

Either way, it’s a win-win!

35 comments:

dizzblnd said...

OMG.. I am at break at work. After I read your comment, I thought to myself "Damn I need to pee... lemme go to Sexy Slydes blog 1st.. then I read this!
LMAO



OK I REALLY have to go NOW

dizzblnd said...

Whew OK I am back.. I almost didn't make it.

It is amazing what is ingrained in us at such an early stage stays with us FOREVER.. good luck breaking the trend

Slyde said...

dizz: you just completely cracked me up.... thanks!

i am the diva said...

B-rad continually threatens to pee on my legs when we shower together. And i continually threaten to punch him in the junk if he does.

i am the diva said...

i realize that has nothing to do with peeing before leaving the house, but it does have to do with pee, so i figured it was fair game

i am the diva said...

Maybe the moral is he should pee BEFORE he gets in the shower?

Slyde said...

Diva: That would probably be the TRUER definition of a Golden Shower....

dizzblnd said...

omg diva! You cracked me up!

You have some funny stalkers Slyde ;P

B.o.B. said...

I.U.D., I.D. same difference.

Please write a follow up post on how this experiment goes.

Mrs. Holly Hall said...

holy shit. Dad kick your ass much?

not a bad idea to pee before you go anywhere.

currently potty training the wee boy. and really THE ONE THING THAT KEEPS THE POTTY TRAINING going on and on and on

is the fact that no kid wants to stop playign to pee.

ever.

but yeah. your dad sounds like a jerk. BOOH!!!

sybil law said...

Okay - I do this exact same thing. Because, on the rare times I DON'T stop to pee, I will be at the grocery, getting cranky and worried I'll have to use the grocery store bathroom. Oh hell no.
And now I am extra worried, because I make my daughter at least TRY to pee before we leave to go anywhere, every time.
GAH!

Heff said...

I have to pee right now. (ZP!)Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh, that's better.

I'll check back tomorrow and see if your blog grew due to my donated nutrients.

Kimberly said...

I've got talent - I can pee on command.

mo.stoneskin said...

You know what, that "pee before you leave" thing that my parents also encouraged had a bad effect on me. Now, I pee before I go anywhere, or do anything and then when I'm out I immediately need to go. It is a nightmare. Something to do with going before I really need it I think.

The Peach Tart said...

I always pee right before I leave too and I don't remember my Mama ever telling me to do that growing up. I pee before I leave and then I pee at my next stop but I think I just have a tiny bladder or else I just like to hear myself pee.

Thanks for stopping by the blog and commenting.

badgerdaddy said...

Bon-bons? BON BONS? Good gravy, man! What are you, some kind of homosexualist?

B.E. Earl said...

Here is a little something that you could have added to the story.

For as long as I have known Slyde we have been going to the movies together. Kind of a guy's night out. EVERY single time, he has to go to the bathroom before the movie starts.

We get our tickets, stand on line to get junkfood and soda, and then he goes to the bathroom before we find our seats. EVERY time.

For the first few years, I was just constantly amazed at his regularity. Now, I just know that when we walk by the bathroom he is going in. So he silently hands over his Twizzlers and soda and I silenty wait for him outside the bathroom. We don't even mention it any more. It's become a standard protocol.

Makes sense now, OCD Boy.

Steph said...

I have a friend who, as soon as we walk through the doors of any large department store, she has to go pinch a loaf.

Freud would have a ball with that one.

Steph said...

And no, the "friend" isn't me in disguise.

Shania said...

You're a male type person, correct? With a penis, I assume. Why would your father turn around and go back home? I just pull over, Silas gets out, pees, gets back in the car. Easy peasy. (get it? peeeesy?)

debi_in_Hawaii said...

You are *NOT* going to pee in that car, you hear me?! Or I will give you the backhand myself. From here.
You are going to wear a diaper. Got it?!

Evil Twin's Wife said...

I wash my hands after I drive my van anywhere - immediately upon entering the house, I wash them. I think steering wheels are just gross!

AlleyCat said...

Thanks for making me wanna pee!!!!

I always always load up my movie companion with my munchies & go pee before any movie!!

Do you have a phobia of public loo's as well??? :0)

I bet your father never gave that day another thought, yet its been a life long influence on you. Been thinking a lot about that stuff lately myself. sigh.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

That's funny, my mom does the same thing. We are CONSTANTLY busting her chops about it.

hmmmm...now I'm seeing it from a whole new perspective.

Chris H said...

Dude, there is nothing wrong with needing to pee! NOTHING at all. It's obviously a problem for you... so good luck kicking the 'have to pee' habit!

Being Brazen said...

I cant go anywhere without peeing first - its a real mental issue...LOL

Cuz said...

no matter how many times i pee before leaving the house, i ALWAYS have to pee while i am driving or in a movie theater, etc. on long trips, i don't eat or DRINK anything until i arrive at the destination. LOL

Faiqa said...

Is this supposed to be a problem? I think this reflects a good habit on your part. I fail to see what's OCD about it.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go wash my hands exactly 21 times in the next 42 minutes.

Faiqa said...

And OMG! *That's* what a golden rainbow is...

terri said...

Better safe than sorry. And also, don't fix it if it ain't broken. Not feeling like you have to pee desperately is a GOOD thing!

Tamara said...

My husband has the annoying habit of waiting until we are really late for something before deciding he needs to pee. At least you get it out the way.

Cocaine Princess said...

I'm trying to think of a comment but I'm drawing a blank.

Bina said...

Are you deleting my comments now? I swear to God I leave comments, come back the next day, and they aren't here. It's really beginning to piss me off. However, it has happened at a few other blogs, too. WTF is going on????

I have to go pee. I'll be right back.

Nej said...

The LIE in rush hour traffic. (shudders)

I think it's the equivalent of being thrown in a lake to learn how to swim. Good luck!! :-)

Michelle said...

Ummm not weird, I do that all the time. You know, pee before I leave the house!!

We all do it dude!