Monday, June 22, 2009

Genius At Work

God, how I hate those pretentious, Yuppie snobs that work at the Apple store.

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my Ipod. It is one of the best 3 gadgets that I have bought in the past 10 years. I just can’t stand the whole Apple-Geek mentality that goes along with it… its like a weird little nerdy subculture. They are all such a band of know-it-alls, and I want to punch them all in the face.

Case in point:

Last week, I noticed that my Ipod’s battery was starting to wear out too often, so, after 4 years of using it pretty much EVERY day, I figured it was time to get the battery replaced.

Now for those of you who have never experienced the joys of buying an Apple product, you probably don’t know the hoops you have to jump through to do something that should be as simple as replacing a battery.

The first thing to know is that you cannot change the battery on your own Ipod. You have to pay to let THEM do it, or else your warranty expires. Oh yeah, and it costs 70 dollars, too! Yeah, that’s not TOO much of a racket, is it?

But it gets even better. You might think that you could just walk into an Apple store, hand them your Ipod and 70 bucks, and get your battery replaced. If you thought that, however, you’d be dead fucking wrong.

First off, you need to make an appointment through their website! Their technical department is called the “Genius Bar”, and at the time of your appointment you get to sit at a techie table and talk to some Izod-wearing preppie douchbag.

To make things better, they don’t actually “replace” your battery. No, that would be far too fucking normal. They take your Ipod, and then give you a refurbished Ipod with a new battery. Then you can take somebody else’s old shitty Ipod home, where you get to re-install all of your 1 million songs back onto it.

As an Ipod owner for 4 years now, I KNEW all this. And yet, I found myself last Friday trekking out to my local Apple store to wade through the bullshit and get my new Ipod.

Or so I thought.

I made my appointment, and got there at the 10 minutes-early “recommended” time, where I proceeded to wait for 25 minutes before a chipper Asian girl called my name, and walked me over to the Genius bar.

I handed over my Ipod to her, and she attempts to turn it on.

“I haven’t charged it in a week”, I told her. “The battery is currently dead”

“No problem,” she told me, “We cant honor the warranty unless we see that the unit is actually working, so I’ll just plug it in and charge it now”

So, she proceeds to plug the Ipod into a charger, and starts making all sorts of weird faces.

“What’s wrong?”, I asked her.

“We can’t honor your warranty. This Ipod doesn’t work.”

“Yes it does, I just used it 2 days ago”

“Well, it’s not charging. I’m sorry but we can’t honor the warranty if it’s not charging”.

“It charges. I have charged it every week for the past 4 years! It just fucking charged last week. Believe me, it charges”.

Then this bitch turns my Ipod over, looks at the charger on the bottom of it, then smugly looks at me and says,

“Ah, I see the problem. You see this little bit of green on your charger? That’s called “oxidation”. THAT’S why this unit isn’t charging. I’m sorry sir but we can’t honor the warranty.”

That’s about the point where I exploded.

“Listen, I KNOW this thing charges. Do I need to take it to my car and charge it myself?”

“You could do that, but then you will have to reschedule for another appointment.”

“Are you fucking kidding me! I’m on my lunch hour here!”

I was about to absolutely POP, when I saw it.

“Hey Chicky, I know I’m not a ‘Genius’ or anything, but with the little technical background that I have, I’m FAIRLY certain that the FUCKING POWER PLUG NEEDS TO BE PLUGGED IN TO AN ELECTRICAL OUTLET FOR IT TO CHARGE ANYTHING!!”.

That’s right… the plug was just dangling off the end of her workbench, not plugged in.

“Oh, yeah”, she says, and plugs it in. “Oh ok, yeah there we go.”


Not “Oh Sorry”, or “My Bad”, or even “Hey, I’m a fuck-up”….

….Just “There we go”.

Want to know the BEST part?

She then took about 15 minutes to punch all my serial number info and shit into her computer, and then proceeded to tell me:

“I’m sorry, but we can’t give you a replacement unit. Our store is closing for a month, starting tomorrow, for renovations. We don’t have a replacement in stock and won’t get one in until we re-open.”


It seems to me like the word “Genius” doesn’t quite mean what I THOUGHT it did…..


2abes said...

if she was genius, you must be super genius! Seriously, ever get the feeling that 1/2 the people you deal with are just plain idiots. Theres a lot of them at my place of employment!

Unknown said...

Oh my Fucking God. Please tell me you are going to call someone, ANYONE, that works for that fucked up company and complain, and then go higher up and complain until you can go no higher, and maybe get a free iPod???

I don't even know what else to say. I'm floored. What kind of fucked up customer service that and what kind of scam is that fucking company running?????

Now I'm mad and I don't even HAVE an ipod.

henno said...

Haha, that's outrageous. I hope that never happens with my fuckin' Ipood. Your swearing is contagious. I feel your anger.

Mrs. Hall said...

That's harsh man, wow.

The power cord not being plugged in, that's classic.

so, you gonna write the company or something?

complain to the manager?

good luck dude. mention that you bashed them on your blog that gets 1 million hits a day.

that should throw some motivation into the process.

o btw

"and at the time of your appointment you get to sit and talk to some Izod-wearing preppie douchbag."

that make me laught out loud so funny!

izod wearing preppie douchbag!



Kate said...

Wow that's a horrible horrible customer service story.
It's pretty damn icky. That's all I gotta say about that!

Ali said...

I would have gone ape-shit on that girl. Like breaking blood-vessels kind of crazy.

I've had my ipod for 6 months and I already hate Apple. I dread the day my battery needs to be replaced.

Blonde Goddess said...

Then they wonder why people snap and walk into places with semi-automatic weapons...

What crappy service.

SK Waller said...

This is exactly why I have a 2-gig Sansa.

What a bitch-load of ca-ca!

Anonymous said...

Ho. Ly. Shit.

I'd be in jail right now, if that'd been me.

I completely agree...all those who work at the Apple store are douchecakes...

vixen kitten said...

I think I'd just go to Costco and buy a new one. I use mine everyday too....but most of that time it's in something that is charging it while it plays.

I do have one that is almost 6 years old and still works fine. It even fell in the lake while I was kayaking. I just let it dry out in a bag of rice, and the damn thing plays like it did the day I bought it.

I would have hurt the girl. You showed far more patience than I would have been able to.


Suzi Q said...

Seriously? You should fill out a customer comment card and see if they'll change the name of the Genius Bar to Douchbag's 'R' Us.

Michelle said...

Did you go all apple on their ass??

I love my ipod. But really that does suck. They need to fire her and clean up their act!!!


AlleyCat Runs said...

Time to write an evil letter dude. Surely you can get SOME freeby for your PAIN!!! How stupid can they be even making appointments to see people when they are closing!!! Fuckwits!

It would have taken me every skeric of self composure, not to have slapped the effing bitch.

I suspect my head may have caught on fire & my eyes exploded out of my head regardless.

At least you noticed the cable..........

Bruce Johnson said...

A couple of basic things here Slyde.

You aren not supposed to replace the battires in the "pod"....if you can afford one of the little fuckers, you are expected to buy a new one every 15 months. Most folks lose them or break them before the battery wears out.

Despite thier price-i-ness, they are considered throw away technology. New versions of iTunes won't even work with iPods that are over 4 years old.

Like the newer version of the iPod / iPhone that comes out every 13 months, Apple is constantly expanding and redesigning thier stores. The one here in town has been expanded twice in the last 3 years and the place is always crowded, with rich folks from Scottsdale and none of them are having batteries replaced.

You are just too old school.

Mrs. Hall said...



awwwww snap!!!

terri said...

Oh god! I have a new found respect for my husband. HE was the one who went through a very similar routine with my son's ipod not long ago.

Verdant Earl said...

I think I'm falling in love with that chipper Asian girl.

Slyde said...

Earl: I said "Girl", not "Boy"

Faiqa said...

What a self righteous bitch. I hate people who think they're smarter than everyone else.

By the way.

You spelled "douchebag" wrong.


sybil law said...

That bitch would've found out the hard way to plug something in.
Or something.

badgerdaddy said...


Kimberly said...

That wore me out just reading about it.

Real Live Lesbian said...

Oh dear, that's priceless. She probably needs to be plugged in, too. What an ass.

Heff said...

I've hated Apple for years, but THAT DOES IT. NEVER getting an Ipod.

Anonymous said...

Sounds as if Apple is taking a page from the American Automobile Companies of the 1970's.

There is an unfortunate tendency among companies now-a-days, to control the "user experience".

Weren't computers supposed to free us from the maniacal control of programmers and business executive? Are they not here to give us the freedom to do things the way we want to do them?

I say send them all a big GooFY, you know; tell them to "Go Fuck Yourself".

They will all one day suffer the fate of the American car companies.

Those who wish the cool toys, will in the interim, "get what they get".

If I were you, I'd never buy another product of theirs again. Till you vote with your pocketbook, it's their world boos.


Candy's daily Dandy said...

Now I'm Fricken Pissed! What a complete tool.

Are you kidding me? I would rather have a enema than go thru that.

Chris H said...

I would have said all sort of VERY BAD WORDS to her... I have an ipod too... now I am worried.

Cocaine Princess said...

You should see the tech-genuis at Best Buy.

Unknown said...

...and that's when you shoved the Ipod up her ass?

Tamara said...

For real? Wow. That is one impressively stupid genius.

Nej said...

Oh no, don't tell me this!! I noticed, earlier in the week, that a full charge on my iPod now lasts just over 45 minutes, total. I was going to look into the whole battery thing. But now I'm not so sure.

It wasn't plugged in? I love it! I mean, I'd have wanted to cry at the time...but it makes for a good story now.

So, what are you going to do? Replace it? With another iPod?

Ookami Snow said...

I'm glad I got out of Apple when I did. iMacs were the last straw for me.

Fragrant Liar said...

Holy fucking shit. I will never get an ipod now. Thanks for the heads up. I will stay far away from the geniuses at Apple.

teeni said...

So, do you get your own iPod back eventually? :shock:

Genius Bar? Really? Is that like mocking The Geek Squad? LOL. I love my Nano but I'm not sure I could put up with that kind of customer service so if anything goes wrong with mine, I might have to just chuck it and get a different kind of mp3 player.