Thursday, May 28, 2009

Skinny Parakeets

I need more help with some dream analysis, please.

About a year ago (before I had moved over to blogger), I had posted my most recurring dream that I have had since I was a kid, and bless your little hearts, you guys gave me some very insightful ideas on what the dream meant.

And maybe we slayed that particular dragon, since I haven’t had that dream since.

Well, here comes the runner-up.

While I have been having this dream, or some weird variation of it, for decades now, this one doesn’t interrupt my beauty sleep with the frequency of the driving-backwards dream.

I still have it often enough, though, and it always leaves me feeling disturbed.

The basics are this: In my dream, I am sitting around, when I realize with a start that I have a pet that up until that point, I have COMPLETELY forgotten about! Most times it’s a pet bird, but in some variations of this dream it has been anything from a dog, to a hamster, to a pet snake.

Whatever the animal is, I race around the house trying to remember where I put the animal, because I realize that I haven’t fed it in months!

In last night’s dream, after much frantic searching, I finally come across my missing pet (this time a parakeet). Even though I haven’t apparently fed him anything in months, he is still alive, but only barely. The animal always looks skeletal, and on the verge of its final collapse. I try to finally give it some food, but it will never eat anything I lay out for it. It just looks at me accusingly, and wheezes some kind of sickly death-rattle.

The animal never actually dies in my dream, but it’s always plainly apparent that it is going to die any minute. I kick myself for being so damn irresponsible……

…. And then I wake up.

In my dreams over the years, I’ve killed just about every species known to man.

If I had to guess, I would say that this dream represents my fear of responsibility in some fashion, or my failure to believe in my self, or fear of accountability, or some shit like that.

But, with the exception of Earl, you guys are all much smarter than me. I clearly have the looks, but very little in the way of brains, so I need you guys to help me out here.

As an animal lover, this dream always really bothers me.

p.s. Yes, I know that the banner picture of Posh Spice has nothing to do with this story, but when I typed “skinny parakeet” into Google, this was the first picture that came up, and I find THAT to be pretty fucking funny.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Is Ruining Your Own Surprise A Smart Idea?

So, Earl and I went to see Terminator: Salvation this weekend.

I have to say that I was happily surprised, since I totally expected this one to suck eggs.

But this movie is not bad. Honestly, it’s pretty damn good. I thought it did a great job of moving forward the story of the Terminator universe, and finally expanding it to a global level. This is the first of the 4 movies that change the pace from “big robot from the future chasing someone for 2 hours” to finally REALLY seeing the global war between man and the machines that we have heard about in the previous films.

My biggest gripe with this movie is that, if you have seen any of the commercials for this movie, then YOU ALREADY KNOW THE BIGGEST SURPRISE TWIST OF THE FILM!

I just don’t understand it. Why in God’s name would a movie studio put together a trailer for a film showing the big surprise? Who cut together this movie’s trailer… Stevie Wonder? I’m just sitting here scratching my head on this one, because I’ve never seen a movie studio purposely spoil their own movie before.

As I said, I liked the movie, and I’ll definitely be adding it to my budding Blu-Ray collection in a few months, but I would have LOVED the movie if I wasn’t let in on the big reveal before I even had my first bite of popcorn.

For anyone that has not seen the movie yet, I will not spoil it for you here, but if you have seen any of the commercials or trailers for Terminator, then you can probably guess what I’m talking about.

But I’d STILL say that, if you are a fan of robots shooting people (and who isn’t), then you need to see this one. Right now, I’d say it is hands down the best of the summer blockbusters so far.

P.S. I realize that I have been doing a lot of movie reviews lately. That is partly because, at this time of year, movies are kind of a big thing, and partly because, I have nothing really interesting to write about. But I fully realize that I have been going overboard on the reviews lately. I’ll try to cut that shit out for awhile.

P.P.S. For 20 years now, whenever Earl and I see a movie together, just as the movie is about to start, I slowly put my hand on his leg and rub his thigh. I don’t know why I started doing this years ago, but I never miss a beat. He always pretends to get mad and plays it off as a joke, but I know that deep down he secretly yearns for my touch and would be disappointed if I ever stopped doing it. But that’s completely understandable. I'm not sure if you guys have picked up on this yet, but I’m pretty fucking hot.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

To Boldly Go..

Yay! My Training class is finally over!

Now I can go back to doing all the important things in life, like reviewing movies!

Last Sunday, my live-in erotic masseuse Earl and I went to see the new Star Trek movie.

Overall, I’m gonna give it 2 ½ stars.

It was NOT a bad movie. On the contrary, it was actually pretty damn good, but there were a few nagging bits that really got under my skin. I think a second viewing is in order for me to REALLY make a decision on this movie, but I’m worried that a seeing this movie again will shift me towards liking this movie less, rather than more.

What I Liked

The Cast - The cast was great! From Kirk, to Spock, to Uhura and the rest, I thought these newcomers really brought small nuances of their original counterparts, without going overboard and becoming caricatures of their senior selves. Special Kudos should go to Karl Urban, who played young Bones. Simon Pegg, whom I normally love, was overdoing it just a tad as the young Scotty, but I can overlook that.

The Story – Problems with Time Travel aside (see below), I really thought that the story was smart and well written. I would expect nothing less from J.J. Abrams. Little bits like letting us finally see how Kirk cheated during the Kobayashi Maru and including a young Commander Pike were very nice touches. Well done.

What I Didn’t Like

Time Travel – Ugh. As I’ve said before, I HATE stories involving time travel. That’s mostly because most movies that deal with time travel don’t put enough thought into it and it ends up not making any sense. If you’re like me, and hate time travel movies, you’d do best to steer clear of this one, because it’s a major plot point of the film.

Changing History – I can certainly understand why J.J. Abrams decided he needed to change the history of Star Trek. After all, who could blame him? If I had to tie my new movie in with 40 years of Trek history, I’d probably shit a Tribble too. But doing what J.J. did, and tinkering with some core aspects of Star Trek lore, is almost an unforgivable sin to geeks everywhere.

Wild Coincidences – I’m going to keep my mouth shut on this one for those of you who didn’t see it yet, but I WILL say this: At one point in the movie, something happens that is SUCH a completely ridiculous coincidence that it almost ruined the entire movie for me. For those of you who’ve seen the movie but don’t get what I’m talking about, I’ll give you a clue: The Cave Scene. Yuck.


Taking everything above into account, I think that, once you can wash down what was changed in this first movie, that the next Star Trek film will be truly outstanding. I really can say I’m looking forward to seeing where they go from here. That fact alone makes me look favorably on this film.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

This Old House, Part 2

Hey kiddies!

As i said last week, I am in a training class all week, which is why i haven't been able to get to all of your lovely blogs.

I WAS able to sneak out alittle early today, however. I wanted to get home so i could have a word with some of the big, burly, construction men who are working on the house.

You all remember the pic i showed you last week, don't ya? If not, you have got a damn short memory. You should really have that shit checked, ya know?

Anyway, i thought you might be interested to see how things looked as of Friday night. In this picture, you can see the peaks that we built on top.

At this point they had started to pull out the windows, and already took down the door.

See? it DOES look alittle like a fake house, doesn't it? Well, it does to me. Bite me.

Anyway, the picture below is what my house looked like as of last night. The new door and extended window have been put in. Plus we have now run all the electrical cables and outdoor lights.
I've got some people working on the siding now. After that, the rest is all easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy stuff.

I just read this back, and i fully realize that i am not being my usual, extremely hilarious self. What can i say? I'm dead tired. I actually nodded off in class for a few minutes this morning.

All i need is a nice relaxing weekend and I'll be right as rain come next week. You'll see.

Friday, May 15, 2009


I have a bunch of stuff I wanted to post today, but none of them alone were really “post-worthy”, so I thought it was about time to bring back our old friend, “Mr. Bullet Post”.

- Mucho Thanks to everyone who has left me a message over on the recorder to the right. And for those who haven’t…. Shame on you! Its fun for you, its fun for me, neither one of us can get pregnant, and it doesn’t contribute to global warming. Plus, it gives me an incredible ego boost, which I need. That should be all the incentive you need to get on it!

- Speaking of the recorder, someone emailed me this week and wanted to know how the message she left me sounded. It occurred to me that some of you guys didn’t realize that YOU CAN HEAR ALL THE MESSAGES THAT HAVE BEEN LEFT SO FAR. Just clicky-clicky on the buttons. The Play button will let you hear them all one after the other (starting with my own super-sexy voice), but you can jump around by hitting the fast-forward/rewind thingies.

- My house is a complete disaster right now. I should have taken a picture this morning before I left for work, but a work crew came at 7am this morning to pull out all of my windows, and the front door. My house right now looks like a cardboard cutout of a home, kinda like the town of Rock Ridge in Blazing Saddles. It’s freaking me out a little. I’m just hoping it looks normal again when I get home tonight.

- When I typed “tidbits” into Google to get a picture for this post, all I basically saw were about 10,000 pictures of chopped up pineapples, which I quickly decided weren’t the most exciting picture I could put up there. Isn’t this better?

- Speaking of the banner picture, each day I seem to be falling more and more in love with Meghan Fox. I KNOW that we are destined to be together, which is kind of weird for me, because I’m FAIRLY certain that she doesn’t have one fucking clue who I am. I’m actually getting kind of bummed that she is suddenly becoming Hollywood’s “it” girl, because I’m sure the time is coming soon when she will be absolutely EVERYWHERE and her overexposure will get me to become sick of her. I’m fickle like that. That’s exactly why my relationship with Earl fizzled out so soon. Ah, young love! If only we had taken it slow…..

- I will be in a training class for most of next week. And since I only waste WORK-TIME blogging, never my uber-valuable PERSONAL time, you may not hear from me too much next week. Please don’t hate me for that. I’ll try to make it up to you the next week with big fat sloppy wet kisses for anyone who wants one…. I’m a giver like that. If you ask nicely, I might even flash some boob.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

The Long Walk

The following happened to me the other day. It’s happened to me before, and I always cringe when it does. Has this ever happened to any of you guys?

I was at an off-site meeting with a group of people that I had just met for the first time, and therefore didn’t know very well.

This may come as a shock to you all, but I am a VERY shy and introverted person. Really. I can’t handle meeting new people.

When I am around people that I don’t know, I have a completely bat-shit panic attack, but I keep it all on the inside. I compensate for it outwardly by being exceptionally outgoing, loud, and smartass-y, but inside I’m completely freaking out.

So anyway, after this meeting, I was walking out of this building with a bunch of people that I didn’t really know, and as I was walking, I was making small talk with one of them.

We continued to chat as we walked out the main doors, where we stood for a minute, finished up our conversation, and said our goodbyes.

Keep in mind, the ONLY thing going through my mind during this time is “I REALLY don’t want to talk to this person anymore! I just want to get to the nice, quiet, hermity solitude of my car so I can get the hell out of here!”

So, we said our final goodbyes, and I started to walk away, assuming for SOME reason that this guy was going to walk off in the opposite direction to wherever the fuck HE goes to hide from other people, when what does he completely surprise me by up and doing?

He starts walking in the same direction as me!

Apparently, we were parked in the SAME parking lot!

So, NOW what the Hell do I do? I already said “goodbye” to this guy, but here we are, walking side by side down the street, NOT talking to each other like two complete jackasses.

Should I strike up a new conversation?

Should I just accept that my life is done interacting with this person, and just pretend he no longer exists and ignore him?

Should I drop back behind him, and just kick him really hard in the balls and then run like Hell?

I was completely freaking out. The silence was completely fucking deafening.

Finally, after walking TWO complete blocks next to this person in complete silence, I finally broke down, and said…

“So, what the Hell do you want to talk about now?”

And that seemed to break the ice a bit. I did what I ALWAYS do, and made some jokes (like if he was trying to stalk me, he was doing a pretty piss-poor job of it so far), until I was able to dive into my car and speed away like a bat out of Hell.

I don’t know why things like that freak the shit out of me, but they sure do.

What the Hell is wrong with me?

P.S. I’m pretty sure that that dude is NOT stalking me. He got into his own car and never looked back, even when I lifted my shirt and flashed him some boob. Bummer.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mothers Day all you fine Mamacitas out there!

It was a down-home, family-style Mothers day here around House Slyde. Nothing too extravagant.... we had my mother and my mother-in-law over, and had a nice quiet Sunday dinner.

I even acted responsibly and did NOT run out this morning with EARL to go see the new Star Trek movie..... On Mother's Day....... EVEN THOUGH HE CALLED AND ASKED ME TO GO! For once i was the responsible one and said "No", but he should really be spanked for even PROPOSING that little road trip today. Why don't you head on over to his site and chew him out. I'll wait.

Anyway, because you all retain every single post I write, you of course remember what i did for Friz LAST mother's Day, right?

Well, the last time i checked, I'm STILL damn near perfect, so as to not have this year be a letdown i had to of course step it up a notch.....

THIS is what Friz got THIS year....

We are adding three peaks to the front (they are actually in now.. i need to take another picture), new siding on the house, a new custom-made door that costs about as much as the gross-national-debt of some small European countries, and all new windows. We're doing alot of other stuff too, but I'm looking at the bill right now and rather than type it all in, I'm just going to go throw up.

And for all you hippy-dippy chicks who say, "That's nice and all, but a REALLY meaningful gift would be a heartfelt poem or cleaning the house for her" or some such nonsense, i say to you, give me a freaking break, will ya?

Happy Mother's Day all...

p.s. I just realized I have now used TWO "Psycho"-themed banners in two consecutive posts.... I have to admit that freaks me out a little.

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Murder Just Aint What It Used To Be

Is anyone out there still watching Harper’s Island?

If any of you are still out there, then you no doubt were surprised to turn on your televisions last Thursday night expecting to see episode 4, only to learn that it was not on.

Confused that I might have had the time wrong, I used my handy-dandy Tivo to search for it, only to discover that it wasn’t going to be on until Saturday night!

That’s right…..Harpers Island has now been moved to Saturday night, the “Television Show Graveyard” night. Saturday night is the lowest-television-watched time of the week. It’s where networks put on shows that they paid too much money for, but don’t want their shitty ratings to hurt their other nights of the week, so they throw them on Saturday night where, no matter WHAT they put on, no one will watch it anyway.

Sad, sad news indeed. I had such high hopes for this show, but it has been losing more viewers each week, and after last weeks abysmal showing in the ratings, they decided to just throw the rest of the season onto their Saturday night schedule without ever even announcing it! That’s pretty harsh.

Not that it isn’t totally deserved. The show has kinda been a disappointment for me as well. The characters are pretty much cookie-cutter stereotypes, and the killings so far have been bizarre, and seemingly random, without any real purpose. One of the things I LOVE about a GOOD, well-crafted murder mystery is that when there is a murder, I can put down the book and ask myself “Ok, now why did this person need to die? What does he/she know that could impact someone else?”

I’m just not seeing that kind of analysis being possible here.

I may in fact be the last living person still watching this show, but by all that’s Holy I’m going to be sticking it out to the bitter end of its 13 week run.

The whole thing just damn well BETTER make a whole boatload of sense when it’s all over…………….

p.s. I still think the #1 candidate for the murderer is the ex-boyfriend/fisherman dude. He is one of the few people on the island who has a tie to the island’s previous murders, its current inhabitants, and the girl who the killer is messing with. What do YOU think?

Monday, May 04, 2009

Snickety- Snickt!

The new Wolverine movie stinks.

How’s that for a short review?

Ok, maybe I should expand that a bit. Let me try again.

On Saturday morning, my homo-erotic friend Earl and I trekked to the movie theatre to catch the matinee showing of Wolverine.

Like most comic fanboys, Wolverine is one of my favorite superheroes, so I had been looking forward to this movie for awhile now. As the production of the film continued and tidbits got leaked, however, it became readily apparent to me that this was NOT going to be the film I wanted to see. Still, I really tried to keep an open mind.

I don’t know what to say about this movie. It attempts to tell Wolverine’s origin, but the movie takes only bits and bobs of his origin, and changes the rest for no discernable reason. Movie studios KNOW that they will piss off their hardcore fan base when they do things like this, but more often than not, they do it anyway.

One of the main problems I had with this movie is that it is just all over the place! It opens with Wolverine as a little kid of 8, then he runs away and joins the army, then he’s in World war 2, then Vietnam, then has a blowout with his brother Sabertooth (again, what? They are NOT related in the comics… why here?) where he then decides to go off on his own.

All of THAT happens in the credits.

From there, it gets even more confusing. They put the mutants Cyclops, Gambit, Deadpool, and the White Queen all into Wolverines origin where they don’t belong, and none of them are used properly, or to great effect.

My other major problem with this movie is that it just seemed…. I dunno….Cheaply made. That’s the best way I could describe it. It boggles my mind that this movie supposedly cost 140 million dollars to make, because you just don’t see it in the finished product.

To be sure, there is a TON of action in this film, but the action scenes just aren’t very exciting.

Bottom line is, if a movie fails to excite a total fanboy like myself, I don’t see how anyone else could give a fig about this movie either.

P.S. The banner picture is the cover of Incredible Hulk #181, which just so happens to contain the first full appearance of Wolverine. It came out in 1974 and cost 25 cents. In 1974, a 6 year-old Slyde walked to his local 7-11 for a Slurpee, and came out 25 cents poorer but with Hulk 181 in his little hands.

NOW that book is worth the price of a small country, and I still have it. I just wish I had taken better care of it as a young-un, because, while my copy could STILL fetch a decent penny, if I had taken better care of it as a tyke I could have paid off my house with it.