Monday, April 27, 2009

Aimless Saturdays

My grandfather has been gone for 6 months.

There are days when I still can’t believe that he’s not here. He was such an incredibly huge part of my life, that whenever something of note happens to me, my first thought STILL is “I’ve gotta tell him about this!”

But I can’t anymore.

I’ve had days where I’m OK with that, and I’ve had some days where I am the furthest damn thing from OK with it, but overall, I’d say that the healing process is starting to do its thing quite nicely, thank you very much.

There IS, however, one part of this whole ordeal which I just can’t get my head around yet…..

…. What to do with my Saturdays.

My grandfather and I lived together until I was 28 or so. I knew that moving out would be hard on him, since I was pretty much the only person in the house who would spend time with him doing the kind of things he liked to do….going fishing, taking a boat ride, driving around looking for deals at garage sales, that kind of thing.

After I moved out, I made it a point to still spend my Saturdays with him. For the last 10 years now, I’ve spent virtually every one of my Saturdays with him. It had become ingrained in me as part of my life’s routine.

On Saturday, spending the day with him was WHAT I did.

And now that’s gone.

The weekends since have been very strange. I wake up on Saturday morning, and I quickly start getting ready. It usually takes me about 5 minutes before I realize that I don’t have anything to rush for anymore. Then I sit back, take a deep breath, and try to figure out what the Hell I am going to do with myself on this new-found extra day of the week.

It’s a very bizarre feeling. For sure, I’ve been trying to put my Saturdays to good use. I’ve been doing a lot with Mini-Me, and just generally trying to enjoy myself, but it’s been hard. I feel like I’m having fun at his expense…. That somewhere, he’s sitting alone, waiting for me to show up to take him for his haircut or to get his groceries.

But of course, that’s bullshit.

So, I guess I’ll just have to live with my weird Saturday vibe, until something clicks inside of me to make what I do NOW with my Saturdays, seem “normal”. It just seems like whatever is inside me that’s broken isn’t fixing itself fast enough. I wish it would hurry the fuck up already.

I’ve been considering volunteering at the local nursing home where I’d take my grandfather for short stays if I went on vacation, but I honestly don’t know if I could handle getting close to another senior citizen only to watch them deteriorate and ultimately lose them again. We shall see.

Anyway, I found this pic on my camera the other day. I had forgotten I had it. I must have snapped it this past Summer. It’s the last picture I ever took of him, and It’s one of the few pictures I have of him with Mini-Me. I wish I had taken more shots like this, maybe one with me in it as well.

Even with something as effortless as taking a photo, I always figured I’d have more time.


mo.stoneskin said...

Mate I'm sorry to hear of your loss. Sounds like you have some fabulous memories to cherish.

Shania said...

I'm glad you chose to spend as much time with him as you did. At least you don't have any regrets in that regard. Trust me, the regrets? They suck.

And as far as still telling him things? I fully believe he can hear anything you say.

Mrs. Hall said...

OH MY GOD, oh slyde!!!

dude, my heart, it aches, it goes out to you.

It truly does suck and really, my heart, it goes out to you. It is good you are keeping busy, pouring energy into activity. Perhaps you can do something in his honor.

Volunteering is like salve for the soul. I highly recommend it. Perhaps you can look around, contact the united way. There are many opportunities out there, not just at nursing homes. Maybe you can take a bunch of kids fishing, kids that have never seen a rod or reel. Meals on Wheels is filled with seniors. And if they grow weak you don't see it because they move out their house. ;)

I can say this pain you feel, like I said before, it is like a broken leg, the overall ache will fade but dangit, if it rains or you step on it wrong, BANG ZOOM! The pain can be overwhelming.

I dare say though, you are lucky to have such a man in your life. The pain is proportionate to the love you had, the love he gave.

So, let yourself feel this, mourn. Take the energy and channel it towards goodness, making love grow in your family and whereever else you see fit.

and please, take this hug from Mrs. Hall, hug hug hug :)

hey!!!! no tushy grabbin!!!

Unknown said...

My heart aches for you. All you can do is keep doing what you are doing. Maybe reserve 1 Saturday a month to do something that you 2 used to do together, in his honor. You have to know that right now he is smiling down on you gleaming with pride at what a wonderful father you have become to his great grandson.
Volunteering at the nursing home is a wonderful idea, but like you I couldn't fathom getting close to someone again.. BUT you know you life would be richer and their quality of life would be a tad bit better for you doing so.

I understand under that tough sexy interior is a soft mushy heart and it's hard to do, but I think it is something your Grandfather would want you to do.

Big hugs to you

AlleyCat Runs said...

I was going to suggest volunteering somewhere. I think (hope) your grandpa would get a kick out "watching" you help ease someone else's loneliness. Good luck with what ever you figure out. I understand not wanting to have your heart broken again.

2abes said...

That picture is priceless...

Janine / Being Brazen said...

im so sad they cancelled sarah connor chronicles....I didnt know :(

Anonymous said...

We always think there is more time. I want more pictures of everything these days. :(

You might really enjoy the nursing home. You might even find that your Grandad has friends that are still there waiting to know you. We're all afraid of the big unknown. It might help to make the path easier for others.

Callie said...

It will get better. Trust me. It takes time. Volunteering is an excellent idea. I agree with Holly - you don't have to volunteer with a senior organization. Kids are wonderful to be around, especially when you're doing something fun. They have the magical ability to soothe the pain.

Don't ever think that he's gone for good. I have dreams about my grandmother at least once or twice a week, and she's been gone over 20 years. I figure it's her way of telling me to get off my lazy ass and do something productive, like clean my house. She was always telling me lovely things like that.


Unknown said...

Maybe you could turn Saturday into you and Mini Me day. Do the same things with him that you did with your grandfather. Go fishing. Go for rides. Go to the park. Teach him how to play foot ball and baseball. Then one day, when you are old and he is all grown up, it's what will make him smile when he thinks of you.

Bruce Johnson said...

I suppose that this is one of the reasons I am such an avid humans we tend to forget. We forget more than we realize, and when it is gone, to only have the memories (that fade) is a something I live in fear of.

I often time browse through the 7,000+ pictures on my Flickr account (my archive) and it never ceases to amaze me how much I don't remember until stimulated by an image, and realize all the things that were going on when I took it.

vixen kitten said...

I loved this post and really like your idea about spending Saturdays with someone from a nursing home. I know how difficult it would be to go through a loss again, but I can't help but think of how you could impact the life of someone who has no one else to care about them.

I hope your day is beautiful. Thank you for stopping by and for your comment.


Michelle said...

I love reading about your grandfather and all the good times you had with him. REMEMBER and perhaps do lots of fun things with your son!! Set a routine for Saturday. Routines help.

Your the best!!!

Chris H said...

I agree with Bina, try making saturday a day with your son now. Build memories for him.
And ... ummm... I SO DO NOT HAVE AN ACCENT! It's YOU who sounds weird!

terri said...

Wherever he is now, he's probably beaming with pride over you. What a GIFT you were to him! I'm sure I don't have to tell you how many parents and grandparents wish for more time with their loved ones, only to realize everyone is too busy to slow down enough to spend some time with them.

I'm sad to say that I often have to remind myself to stop what I'm doing and go spend some time with my parents. I wish I were more like you were with your grandfather.

sybil law said...

You were obviously a great grandson to him - this is a really touching post. Makes me sad - but in a good way (I realize that sounds weird.) I mean, it's good to know there are guys like you around, spending time with their grandpas and really appreciating them.
I love the picture!

Faiqa said...

I'm sorry... there are some losses in life that are completely permanent, aren't there? Maybe with time, you could initiate a Saturday routine that sort of pays tribute to him. If there was a place that he particularly liked or a hobby he had, maybe you could incorporate that into your Saturday? Maybe even have your son be a part of it? For me, hurt never really goes away, I just sort of figure out how to make it a part of my life.
Wow. That was kind of depressing, huh? Sorry. Again.

Ashly Star said...

Dude, you made my eyes leak. I had four or five tears slide down after I read this. I'm not a big crier at all.

You just struck a really personal cord with me in this post. Hit something that I've been thinking a lot about and something I'm afraid of. Though I won't put it all in your comments because it would be a blog post all in it's own, lol.

I wish I had something cool or funny to say but I don't. I'd say just remember the good times and work on spending time with your kiddo. Make some more good memories for him and for you on Saturday. *smile*

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Awww Slyde,
Grandpa looks so happy holding your boy.

I think the nursing home is a good idea, but you may need some more time.

In any case as long as you continue to write about him and think about him, he will never truly be gone.

You are a wonderful grandson!

Real Live Lesbian said...

I have to agree with Bina. Give your son the gift that your Grandfather gave to you.

Hugs, Sweetie. This post just makes me like you even more. :) Such a great guy you are!

Susan Higgins said...

My father, who died when I was 18, once told me when my beloved Grammy died about death. He said, "We never really die. We are all energy and energy can't be destroyed, it's just transformed into something else." I always believed and still do that people we love who pass on, they are always right here. Now, you can spend your Saturday with Mini-you AND your Gramps. Feel his energy, it's still there. It will make him wicked happy for you to connect with it. He's all around you.

Pictures and video are hugely important. My demented Uncle Al who I write about, he took videos of my sibs and I when we were little. Today they are treasured moments in time. Get Mini-you into pictures and video, one day you will need them to remember who you are and what you accomplished in life. It will give Mini-you a chance to love his dad as much as his dad loves him.

Time makes it better. Look at it this way, now you have an extra special Guardian Angel watching over you. ;-)

Heff said...

Learn from it. Take as many pictures/experiences with "Mini-Slyde" as possible.

Greta said...

Gosh, in a blogsphere full of bullshit (mine extremely full), this post was so real and genuine and so great to read.

Cocaine Princess said...

What a lovely post. It's never easy when you lose a loved one. I lost my mom so I know what you're feeling. As Faiqa wrote some losses are permanent. In time you heal but the pain doesn't ever really go away. It lingers.

Adorable picture.

Minka said...

I'm sorry you have to go through this. It IS natural, though. Time makes it a bit better. I hope that thing inside you starts fixing itself faster.

teeni said...

Ah, such handsome young men in the photos! Maybe it is time to start a new Saturday tradition for you and your mini-you - something he will look back fondly on like you do when it comes to your grandfather. In other news, that painting behind your grandfather is the same one I have in my living room. I love it! :)