Tuesday, March 24, 2009

You Chicks Drive Me Batty



Well, maybe not “You” chicks…. Just the one I live with.

The following story took place this weekend and it’s something Friz ALWAYS does to me, and it drives me up the frigging wall.

Saturday night we went with a group of 10 of our friends to a new restaurant for a kids-free night out of debauchery (completely unrelated side-note… I had Chorizo muscles as an appetizer and lemon Swordfish for a main course… outstanding!).

Anyway, we were drinking the night away, and having a grand old time. Halfway through the night, I was officially “3 sheets to the wind” drunk, but that’s ok.. that’s what I was there for.

During the “height” of my inebriation, Friz leans over to me and says “Oh, before I forget… the windshield wiper on the passenger side of my car needs to be fixed.. the rubber is all gone. Can you fix it in the morning?”

So, I happily said “Sure Thing!”

Of course I said “Sure Thing!”….. I was drunk. I barely knew where the hell I was. She could have said, “Hey, before I forget, I need you to dress up like Hitler tomorrow”, and I would have happily said “Sure Thing!”

The point being that I completely forgot about the windshield wiper 10 seconds after she brought it up.

Cut to the next day. I slept WAY too late, was WAY too hung over, and basically just puttered around the house all day feeling like shit. At one point, I took Mini-Me to the park to play for a bit, but aside from that bit of strenuous activity, my day consisted of watching movies on Tivo. The wipers, long forgotten from my alcohol-soaked memory, were never mentioned once throughout the day.

Then, AT 10:30 PM SUNDAY NIGHT, while we are watching “The Celebrity Apprentice”, Friz looks at me and sarcastically says, “Gee, thanks for taking care of those wiper blades for me!”

I wanted to strangle her! Why do you women do that?!? She KNEW damn well that I had completely forgotten about the wiper blades, but did she mention them ONE TIME all day? NOOOOOOOOOOOO! It’s much more fun to make a big federal case out of it right as I’m about to go to bed.

You wanna know what REALLY gets me? I just KNOW that the real reason she didn’t mention them until Sunday night was because SHE FUCKING FORGOT ABOUT THEM TOO! It’s her OWN damn car, and she forgot about the windshield wipers! How the Holy Hand Grenade was “I” Supposed to remember them? I’m lucky to remember to put my pants on before I leave for work in the morning.

Of course, even when pressed, she won’t ADMIT she forget about the wiper blades.

No, much better to take that treasured secret to her grave.

Guys just wouldn’t act like that. We wouldn’t.

That’s it. I’ve come to a decision. One more move like that and I’m officially going gay.

I wonder if I’ll have to learn a secret handshake?

p.s. My sincerest of apologies, my lovelys, for not visiting any of your sexy sites for the past week. My computer exploded on me the middle of last week, and I only just got it back from the shop last night. I’ll do my best to make my rounds today.

39 comments:

Steph said...

I've always said that I'd rather have a guy pissed at me than a woman. A woman will carry it around silently for a long time, then eat your throat when you think everything's fine. A guy will punch you in the face and then buy you a beer.

James said...

Yes it's true....I 've had situations like that. But what can you do? You are gonna be in the wrong whatever you do or say buddy.....

Sass said...

I have no clue WHY we do it. I just know that you're right. We do it.

We suck.

Maybe that's why you forgive us? hee hee.

Slyde said...

Steph: i absolutely agree with you. 9 times out of 10, at least i know where i stand with a dude.

james: im glad to know that this isnt my curse to bear alone...

sass: isnt that cute: at the exact time you were commenting on my blog, i was over at your blog commenting on yours.

we're like star-crossed lovers...

dizzblnd said...

How the hell else do you think we are going to come up with shit to hound you with later and for the rest of your life? The fact that we don't remember shit is irrelevant.. we tell YOU so WE don't have to remember.. alcohol factor or none..

You won't go gay.. no man will put up with you like we do!

Being Brazen said...

heehee...woman are fabulous. We are all a bit crazy and irrartional.

Dont get mad, Slyde...just go and fix the windscreen wiper :)

Slyde said...

dizz: hey, i take offense to that. I think any man would be HAPPY to have me!

wait, what?

brazen: "a BIT crazy"? im thinking thats alittle understated...

Holly Hall said...

First, let me comment on your comment you left on my blog. (I can't seem to open my blog on this computer-it being a work computer and all government blocked software).

but no, it's not weird you being turned on by the 'click here' pic. no weirder then me writing about what I wrote about in the post :)

AS FOR THIS POST-

I have learned that if my husband is about to fall asleep, post-coital, on the phone, taking care of the kids, drunk, at work fielding several phone calls, not actually listening to me, well these are not times to put in job requests.

The worst is when he is about to sleep. He is basically unconscious but still talking. What is it about post-coital? What the hell happens to a man's brain anyway?

you should to a post on that!!

:)

ok good luck with the whipers

mo.stoneskin said...

Hey man are you drunk right now?

If not then don't read on.







Hey man, could you sort out my broken wiper for me?

Slyde said...

Holly: post coital is the only time in our lives when we dont think we need anything, or think that anything needs to get done. it doesnt last long.

Mo: See? thats how the problems arise in the first place!

B.E. Earl said...

Did you use the Holy Hand Grenade line after reading my post earlier?

Because if not, then we are thinking waaaay too much alike for my liking.

teeni said...

Oooh - I like that trick that Fritz does. I don't think it will work on TGH though because he doesn't drink. Nuts. ;)

Slyde said...

earl: no, i have to cop to that one. Ever since i read your post today, ive had monty python on the brain...

teeni: i honestly think drinking played a very little part of it. you can pull that crap just about ANY time that im not listening to you...

Chris H said...

Yep, she forgot! GET OVER IT, she is never going to confess!

Slyde said...

chris h: oh, ive accepted it. It pisses me off to no end, but ive accepted it.

2abes said...

so up until now its been unofficial? Whats with you and earl thinking the same...maybe you should be official.

buffalodick said...

Here's all I know about women....
Hope you got all that...Line out of Todd Rungren song- "They be stupid but they sure are fun".. Go with God, and avoid the word c*nt, and all will be well...

Slyde said...

abes: its not for lack of trying on his part..

buffalo: THose are all valuable quoteables....!

James said...

Ah that post coital feeling...it is the best in the world..Laundry Fairy calls it "jelly brained"...funny enough she likes it when I am like that because she knows I am completely happy and satisfied..I guess she knows she has done a good job and that makes her happy too

Heff said...

I experience that SAME Bullshit all the time. How do they expect us to remember shit when we're hammered ?!?!

Michelle said...

How about you learn to crochet and perform open heart surgery and us woman will fix our own wipers!

K??

You rock too!!!

Sass said...

Star crossed lovers, eh?

FYI...I'd change my own wiper blades.

I've learned not to ask.

Slyde said...

james: jelly brained... i like it!

heff: you would think they'd be smart enough to understand that they are setting us up for failure, right?

michele: i think i COULD perform open heart surgery with a pair of crochete needles...

sass: theres my girl... see? we're meant for each other...

Bina said...

My husband doesn't do shit for me. I don't even ask anymore. I bet I've asked him five times in the past year to fix the ice maker and he keeps say he will, but I stopped asking, and he hasn't.

If there is even the tiniest bit wrong with my van, I take it somewhere. I got to AutoZone if I need new wipers and they put them on for free. I also told my husband my back brakes were squeeling. He said, "It doesn't have back brakes cause it's front wheel drive." Why the fuck did I believe him? Cause I'm stupid! Yes, it has back-fucking-brakes and now I have to get them replaced before I drive the 12 hours to Dallas next week!

Okay. i feel better.

Slyde said...

bina: well, that sucks. If it makes you feel any better, when you and i get married i will make you breakfast in bed every day...

Cuz said...

i have no idea WHY we do that, just that we do it! LOL

terri said...

Here's why. When we screw up and get mad at ourselves, we like to pass the blame. You are an easy target and since technically, you did agree to take care of this, we need to make you feel just as bad as we feel.

P.S. Tell Friz she can go to the car parts store, play dumb, tell the guy behind the counter she doesn't know how to find the right wiper blades. He will find them for her and even offer to put them on for her. Of course that defeats the purpose, but if she really needs them, she should give it a try.

Slyde said...

cuz: no arguments from me.

terri: the sad thing is, that i know jack shit about cars, so in the end, what you described is pretty much what I do too...

Real Live Lesbian said...

YOU must learn to lie. Think on your feet. When she pulls that shit next time, tell her that you went by the parts store and had to order something. It'll be in tomorrow morning and you'll fix it in the afternoon. Of course, you didn't forget.

Then expect the blow job.

I can't believe a lesbian is having to explain this. I've lived with WAY too many women.

Slyde said...

reallive: Thank you, dear. Anytime anyone can give me good advice on how to aquire more blowjobs, i'll be very gratefull..

Bruce said...

I have similar 'discussions' with my wife on a regular basis. She is quickly learning that I know and understand the concept of 'girl-speak'.

When she says "Wouldn't it be nice to have a flower garden?", what she is really SAYING is, Bruce, please plant a flower garden. My response is always, "Gee, it would be nice to have a flower garden, why don't YOU plant one?".

Your wife needs to understand that replacing the windsheild wiper blades does not require special skill or a college degree. The instructions are on the box. Windsheild wipers are not gender specific, anyone can install them. Time to dust off the old brain and learn how. Bottom line, if you want something done bad enough, you learn how to do it yourself, don't expect other to make it 'their' priority.

Ookami Snow said...

It's not you, it's her. If she needed it to get done then she should have done it herself. You were just helping her out. If she wanted help so badly she should have reminded you or asked if there was any way she could have helped you with it.

Fluffy Pink Thing said...

Hmmm... Methinks you'll need to learn a lot more than just the secret handshake if you turn gay! Just saying. :)

P.S. Thanks for stopping by my blog ;)

Faiqa said...

Gah!! The next day was a test. Which you failed.

Slyde, Slyde, Slyyyyde. SIGH.

We are always right. ALLLWAYS. You are always wrong. ALLLWAYS. This is the first and primary law of the natural order. Everything else is a meaningless detail. :)

Lemur said...

Wow - where to begin.

First off - hopefully you had mussels and not actual muscles; cuz that's just gross!

Secondly - if the next day was a Sunday, asking you to dress up like Hitler would've been safe, no? Isn't that standard Sunday attire 'round your household? :)

And, I'm still trying to get over the "officially going gay." Thank God you put in the "officially" part -- although, I do feel privileged to know the truth already :)

Slyde said...

lemur: i should really congratulate you. Your ratio of posting soley for the purpose of busting my balls is increasing nicely. Now all we need is Bill and Stephen to chime in and the "trifecta of ballbusters" will be complete!

Lemur said...

I only aim to please :)

Kaylen said...

We do it all the time!!! We don't want to remind you because we want you to care enough to remember yourself! Why don't you care more!!! Why can't you pick up my jacket at the cleaners like I asked you to do DAYS ago??!!!

Oh, wait....got off track.

Girls do this. Yes, we do. We are insane creatures.

Slyde said...

kaylen: but what gets me is... you are all the same! its like a secret society forged in a mental institution...