Friday, March 13, 2009

I Hate People


I really do.

Well, maybe not ALL people. Just MOST people.

Case in point……. I almost bludgeoned to death one of my neighbors yesterday.

I live in a nice, middle class neighborhood. I paid a lot of money for my house. As such, I like to take care of it. While I’m far from a fanatic, I do like to keep my house looking nicely maintained, and respectable.

I live on a corner property, so I basically have a lawn on both the left side, as well as the front of my home.

The problem is, about 4 blocks down my street is a major road that has, among other things, a high school, and a 7-11.

That is a LETHAL combination, for anyone who’s house lies anywhere in the path of these little miscreant’s school, and their homes. Just about every day I’m picking up Slurpee cups, beer bottles, and empty packs of cigarettes, thrown all over the side lawn of my house.

It pisses me off, but I can deal with this. I really can. They’re just dopey kids, after all.

But what takes my already short Sicilian temper and puts it through the stratosphere is when I walk on the side of my lawn and see dog shit.

Seriously, you fuckers! If you are so damn lazy that you can’t be bothered to pick up after your dog, you shouldn't own one. But what gets me is this: These people AREN'T lazy. If they were lazy, they would just let their dog shit on their OWN lawn…

But no….. They put on their jackets, leash their pooch up, and take the trouble to walk them to MY fucking lawn, because they don’t want to mess up their own lawn with doggy poo.

For months now, I keep finding little surprises on my lawn, and I never was able to catch the fuckers responsible…

Until yesterday.

I was driving home from work, and what do I spy with my little eye, but some guy (a big doofy looking mother-fucker… he kind of looked like Fred Flintsone), standing on the side lawn of my house, with one of those little rat dogs on a leash. As I drove past, Fred gave me a nice neighborly smile while I spotted little Fido squatting down on my lawn.

I fucking saw red.

I jammed on my breaks, rolled the window down, and went OFF on this guy.

When I asked him what the fuck he was doing with his dog on my lawn, the only thing he was able to stammer out was “He’s just peeing!”

First: He was NOT just fucking peeing!
Second: I don’t care if he WAS just peeing, or shitting, or doing my fucking taxes, I DON’T WANT IT ON MY LAWN!

After the guy’s initial shock, he started to talk back to me, which completely pushed me over the edge. I started to get out of my car to make him EAT the dog shit, and maybe his little rat-dog for dessert.

That’s when I saw Friz, sticking her head out the kitchen window, giving me one of her “please for the love of God just let it go” imploring look on her face.

When she gives me that face, it can usually make me check myself for a second. And in that second while I was debating whether to give this guy a poo-poo facial, he mumbled a half-hearted apology and started to walk off.

So, for at least once in my life, I was able to check my temper, and let Fred run back to Wilma.

I haven’t seen him since, so I maybe he was smarter than he looked, because if I ever see him again I’m gonna go all “Yabba Dabba Do” all over his ass…….

31 comments:

dizzblnd said...

That is totally wrong. We have a fenced in yard.. so my dogs go there. WHEN I do walk them.. I carry a bag. I can't believe the guy had the nerve to lie to you like that.

I know the "for the love of God" face.. I use it almost everey day. Hopefully that will be the end of to crappy lawn

Slyde said...

dizzblnd: I too pray that my days of crappy lawn are behind me...

2abes said...

find out where the guy lives and take a crap on his front lawn! if you get caught tell him you have a bad case of bursitis.

Slyde said...

abes: no, i'll tell him i was just peeing!

B.E. Earl said...

I thought your yard was fenced in? Was this on the front lawn? Either way...stupid fucker! Everyone knows you don't walk your dog on other people's property.

You should have housed him.

mo.stoneskin said...

One word.

Airgun.

Ha, that's a bit harsh, I take it back. I didn't say airgun, I said...

[Thinking...]

Airbrush.

That's it, you should airbrush any ratdog that goes there.

Seriously though I feel for you, that situation would rile me, it would get my goat and give it a slap.

Slyde said...

earl: it IS fenced in, but the fence on the side of the house is set about 5 feet back from the curb, so i have like 5 feet of grass there that people seem to think are a fucking dumping ground...

mo: im thinking more along the lines of using my paintball gun on him next time...

Steph said...

Well, don't paintball the dog, okay? Just the person walking it.

Chris H said...

OMG I am TOTALLY with you on this one... and I have a dog and I take it for walks and I PICK UP HIS SHIT every time! I do!!!
I have (no bullshit) watched a person let their dog shit on my lawn and followed them home to see where they lived.. then gone and picked up THEIR DOG'S SHIT and put it in THIER LETTERBOX... just returning what was theirs eh? I felt MUCH better after doing that. And I will do it again if some bastard lets their dog shit on my lawn! It drives me nuts.

Chris said...

Find out where this guy lives, go up to his front door, and pee on his door knob. We he asks you what you're doing, tell him "I'm just peeing".
Then deck him on in the face. (With a bag of YOUR poo)

Candy's daily Dandy said...

There is no excuse for this type of behavior in today's world. ESPECIALLY since it is way PC to carry bags to clean up the doggie excrement.
If Fred's got enough kahunas to walk a foo- foo dog, then he's got the nads to clean up after it.
Simple. As. That.

terri said...

I love that you went off on him. It makes me crazy that people think nothing of letting their dogs do their business in someone else's yard... even if they do clean it up. And "just peeing?" Doesn't dog pee burn out the grass?

B.E. Earl said...

Crap...I missed the obvious comment given the title of this post.

"But you love gatherings. Isn't it ironic?"

Michelle said...

Damn people are stupid!!! Not all people, but most people!!

Just take care of your own dog on your own property!!

Dude i don't blame you for wanting to go all Yabba Dabba Do all over his ass BUT you did the right thing by NOT doing that!!!

HAPPY SATURDAY!

i am the diva said...

holy shit.
that would drive me frikkin' crazy.

Lemur said...

To continue Earl's segue..

"Bunch of savages in this town..."

Bina said...

I can't agree with you more. I HATE when people allow their dogs to pee on my mail box, my bushes, poop in my yard. I don't to their friggin' house and shit and piss on anything, and my dogs don't do it either. I make sure my dogs go BEFORE our walks. I don't walk them to just shit in people's yard. My husband, however, says, "What's the big deal? It's just dog shit"

SO NOT THE FUCKING POINT!!!!!

Angie said...

Poor thing... I come back to read your blog and everything has gone to the dogs!!! I am back from under my rock, needed some time way to think, if that is possible, but I am back... no guy in tow, just me, myself and I! oxoxo

Tamara said...

If it was me, I'd move the fence those extra five feet forward. But then again, I live in Johannesburg, South Africa, so most of us have seven-foot walls around our house and people get in the car with their dogs and take them to an area where it's safe to walk ;-)

Slyde said...

steph: absolutely... people only.

chrish: wow, thats pretty damn hardcore! well done.

chris: pee on his door knob? ive gotta see if i can get a good arc going...

candy: im with ya, sister..

terri: you bet it does... thats the main reason why i got so pissed...

Slyde said...

earl: yeah, i was going for the clerks reference, but i didnt think anyone but you would get it...

michele: it doesnt FEEL like the right thing.. i wanted to deck him.

diva: me too...

lemur: another one got the clerks reference.. cool!

bina: pee on your mailbox? i hope you have it on a post on your front lawn!

Slyde said...

angie: you're back! i thought you left us.....

tamara: i wish i could.. i had intented to when i built the new fence, but zoning issues prohibit me from doing it...

Paige Stanton said...

That drives me crazy! Our dog is trained to go in one corner of the backyard (at home).

If we go for a walk and she has to do her business I ALWAYS have three garbage bags in my pocket (just in case) and I'm mortified if someone see's her do it on their lawn (even though I always make sure to clean it up.)

Heff said...

I don't blame you. No one wants Yabba Dabba Doo-Doo in their yard.

Elise said...

What a piece of shit! Honestly, there's something called RESPECT. Your neighbour clearly has no respect for your lawn or your inconvenience. I'm glad you lost your temper, it'll show the prick that you're not going to put up with his crap. Good for you xx

Slyde said...

paige: agreed... its not that hard, is it?

heff: or ANYWHERE, really...

elise: not his crap, OR his dogs....

AlleyCat said...

Poo Poo Facial - LMAO!!!! Dog poo grenades in a lemon launcher - I can see you in your commando gear, laying in wait.......

Slyde said...

alley: and i DO happen to own some commando gear, too. now i just need to get my hands on a lemon launcher...

eclecticdeb said...

I have the same issue with smokers who seem to think it's okay to throw their nasty disgusting butts all around the doorway at work.

I mean really? It's bad enough that you stink up the place -- do I have to look at your trash too?

Bruce said...

I learned with my first home that living next to a fast food joint is the kiss of death for neighborhood neatness. Adolescents think that food is a cabonated sugar beverage and that the world is there dumpster, I would like to kick the kids asses and the parents that have raised them.

Luckily, we live in a very dog friendly neighborhood and it is 'verbtoen' to let your dog shit on someone else lawn, without picking it up with a mut-mit. Mut-mit dispesners are stationed all throughout our neighorhood.

Slyde said...

eclectic: couldnt agree more.. i have the same damn problem at my office...

bruce: at least you have me beat there... i need a mut mit dispensor outside my house...