The Foreman of The Night

Last week over on Artful Kisser’s site, she was discussing misunderstood song lyrics, and for the life of me I can never have a discussion about misheard words to a song without thinking of The Vacant Lot.

Back in the late 80’s, Lorne Michaels (of Saturday Night Live fame), tried his hand at producing another comedy show, this one on Canadian TV, called The Kids in The Hall. I had much love for the Kids, but if you’ve been coming here for awhile, you already know this. One of my favorite television shows, ever.

In the mid 90’s, when the Kids in the Hall were ending their run, some of the writers of the show attempted to branch out on their own, and created a new show called The Vacant Lot. I’m not sure if they were ever on Canadian TV, or they were solely on Comedy Central (where I used to watch them), but I always enjoyed them for the 2 seasons they were on. They were kinda like “Kids in the Hall”-lite.

Anyway, by far the best thing they ever did was the skit you see below. My sincere apologies for the crappy quality of the video, but it’s a kind of obscure clip, and believe it or not Youtube only had this one version of it. It still cracks me up though….

Harper’s Island

Have you guys seen the media blitz that has been going on for this new show?

Since I first heard about this about 6 months ago, I have been all giddy with anticipation for its arrival.

If there is one thing that gets me all hot and tingly in the nether-regions, it’s a good murder mystery. I love ‘em. I’ve read just about everything Agatha Christie ever wrote (even those annoying Hercule Perot books), and I have been an avid reader of P.D. James for about 20 years now. I just love trying to wrap my little brain around a good mystery, as I correctly try to deduce the killer.

Of course, finding a “good” murder mystery is pretty hard these days. In 9 out of 10 murder mystery movies, the writers don’t even ATTEMPT to construct a reasonable riddle for the viewers to follow. Most times, they just pick some completely obscure character, that up until the end has had NO bearing on the plot whatsoever, and make him/her the killer just to surprise people (“Hey look, the killer turned out to the milkman, who we saw for about 10 seconds at the beginning of the film! Yay! Not.”)

As the poster above says, Harper’s Island will be a 13 week murder mystery event. 25 people arrive at a private island to attend a wedding, and each week we will see one of their number bumped off.

I have high hopes for this one. And so does CBS, apparently, because the money they are pumping into the advertising has been insane. The LAST thing I need right now is to add another television show to my nightly viewing schedule, but I just cant let this one slip past me.

The past few years I have really been starved for a good, brain-burning murder mystery. I have my fingers crossed that will scratch my sleuthing itch.

So, who plans on watching this with me? I’m gonna need some junior detectives to bounce my ideas off of.

You Chicks Drive Me Batty

Well, maybe not “You” chicks…. Just the one I live with.

The following story took place this weekend and it’s something Friz ALWAYS does to me, and it drives me up the frigging wall.

Saturday night we went with a group of 10 of our friends to a new restaurant for a kids-free night out of debauchery (completely unrelated side-note… I had Chorizo muscles as an appetizer and lemon Swordfish for a main course… outstanding!).

Anyway, we were drinking the night away, and having a grand old time. Halfway through the night, I was officially “3 sheets to the wind” drunk, but that’s ok.. that’s what I was there for.

During the “height” of my inebriation, Friz leans over to me and says “Oh, before I forget… the windshield wiper on the passenger side of my car needs to be fixed.. the rubber is all gone. Can you fix it in the morning?”

So, I happily said “Sure Thing!”

Of course I said “Sure Thing!”….. I was drunk. I barely knew where the hell I was. She could have said, “Hey, before I forget, I need you to dress up like Hitler tomorrow”, and I would have happily said “Sure Thing!”

The point being that I completely forgot about the windshield wiper 10 seconds after she brought it up.

Cut to the next day. I slept WAY too late, was WAY too hung over, and basically just puttered around the house all day feeling like shit. At one point, I took Mini-Me to the park to play for a bit, but aside from that bit of strenuous activity, my day consisted of watching movies on Tivo. The wipers, long forgotten from my alcohol-soaked memory, were never mentioned once throughout the day.

Then, AT 10:30 PM SUNDAY NIGHT, while we are watching “The Celebrity Apprentice”, Friz looks at me and sarcastically says, “Gee, thanks for taking care of those wiper blades for me!”

I wanted to strangle her! Why do you women do that?!? She KNEW damn well that I had completely forgotten about the wiper blades, but did she mention them ONE TIME all day? NOOOOOOOOOOOO! It’s much more fun to make a big federal case out of it right as I’m about to go to bed.

You wanna know what REALLY gets me? I just KNOW that the real reason she didn’t mention them until Sunday night was because SHE FUCKING FORGOT ABOUT THEM TOO! It’s her OWN damn car, and she forgot about the windshield wipers! How the Holy Hand Grenade was “I” Supposed to remember them? I’m lucky to remember to put my pants on before I leave for work in the morning.

Of course, even when pressed, she won’t ADMIT she forget about the wiper blades.

No, much better to take that treasured secret to her grave.

Guys just wouldn’t act like that. We wouldn’t.

That’s it. I’ve come to a decision. One more move like that and I’m officially going gay.

I wonder if I’ll have to learn a secret handshake?

p.s. My sincerest of apologies, my lovelys, for not visiting any of your sexy sites for the past week. My computer exploded on me the middle of last week, and I only just got it back from the shop last night. I’ll do my best to make my rounds today.

Swiper, No Swiping!

Ah, how many of us parents have had that saying drilled into their brainpans every day?

For those of you who get to watch only ‘adult’ television, the title of this post is a saying that’s uttered every episode of the children’s television show “Dora The Explorer”.

Certainly even you childless heathens know who Dora is, right?

She’s that rambunctious little bi-lingual minx who scampers around the jungle following her map to sickingly silly destinations.

Have you heard about the big brou-ha-ha that is going on concerning this little Latina?

Apparently, Nickelodeon (The channel that carries Dora) feels that the kids of the past 5 years that have been watching the show are now growing up and losing interest. For what its worth, my son doesn’t watch it any more, thank God.

So, with the fear of falling ratings, they decided to ‘mature’ her up a little this year.

In a fit of promotional genius, they decided to just tease people with a silhouette of the “new” Dora.



And damn did people get pissed!

Many moms, after seeing the silhouette, said that they “sexed” up what USED to be an innocent little girl. They said that she now looked “curvy” and had “sexy, shapely legs”.

Honestly, I think people made a big deal out of nothing. I mean, I’ve been staring at that image for 2 hours now and for the life of me I can’t get an erection. Maybe I’ll keep trying.

Anyway, Nickelodeon was TOTALLY unprepared for the shit-storm that only some people with too much free time can create, so they were forced yesterday to ‘unveil’ the new Dora ahead of schedule, saying that the silhouette is being taken completely out of context.

Here is the new Dora:



I think I’m still gonna need her to grow up a few more years before I can even think about getting turned on by her.

Oh well, back to Betty Rubble for me…….


p.s. I can’t think about Dora without remembering Saturday Night Live’s spoof of the show that they did about 2 years ago. Still gives me a laugh.. enjoy!

Way Cool Junior

You might think that someone as damned hot as myself wouldn’t also have a brain in their head, but I’m happy to say that is simply not the case.

On the contrary, I’m here to tell you that inside this package (hehe.. I said ‘package’) of perfect looks and musculature, therein lies the massive intellect of an uber-nerd.

Hard to believe, I know.

But I can prove it.

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it before, but I went to school at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute in Troy, NY. I’ll forgive you if you’ve never heard of it, but it’s pretty much considered to be in the top 3 engineering schools in the country (the other 2 being M.I.T. and Cal Tech).

I look upon my time at R.P.I. with generally a poor attitude. The school housed the geekiest of the geeky. People who seriously would fall into every bad “nerd” stereotype you have EVER seen or heard of.

If you have ever seen some dorky person in a movie or on TV and thought to yourself, “Wow, no one is REALLY like that in real life!” you’d be dead wrong. These people really DO exist, at places like Rensselaer.

Needless to say, sports were not our strong suit at dear ol’ R.P.I.

Not for lack of trying. We actually had a halfway decent hockey team, but I think my grandmother and her knitting circle could have beaten our football or basketball teams (and that’s saying a lot…. my grandma has been dead for 25 years).

Why am I bringing this all this up?

Well, I was on their website earlier today to maybe purchase a few school T-Shirts, when I happened upon something I hadn’t seen in almost 20 years….

Our school fight song.

I hadn’t heard this gem in so long, I had forgotten about it. Or, maybe I just FORCED myself to forget it.

Ah yes, Good old R.P.I.! How could ANY opposing team not shit their pants in fear as they entered our stadium to hear 4,000 hopped-up nerds chanting….

E to the x dy/dx,
E to the x dx,
Cosine, secant, tangent, sine
3.14159
Square root, cube root, log of pi,
Dis-integrate them RPI!


I’m not kidding. That was our fucking school FIGHT song! How pathetic is that?

It might as well have been:


Steal my lunch money, sis boom bah!
Girls Scare Me… Ra Ra Ra!
Star Wars, Star Trek, Obi-Wan,
I’ll be a virgin till I’m 41!


After 4 years there, It’s amazing I turned out as cool as I did.

It really IS a minor miracle..

I Hate People

I really do.

Well, maybe not ALL people. Just MOST people.

Case in point……. I almost bludgeoned to death one of my neighbors yesterday.

I live in a nice, middle class neighborhood. I paid a lot of money for my house. As such, I like to take care of it. While I’m far from a fanatic, I do like to keep my house looking nicely maintained, and respectable.

I live on a corner property, so I basically have a lawn on both the left side, as well as the front of my home.

The problem is, about 4 blocks down my street is a major road that has, among other things, a high school, and a 7-11.

That is a LETHAL combination, for anyone who’s house lies anywhere in the path of these little miscreant’s school, and their homes. Just about every day I’m picking up Slurpee cups, beer bottles, and empty packs of cigarettes, thrown all over the side lawn of my house.

It pisses me off, but I can deal with this. I really can. They’re just dopey kids, after all.

But what takes my already short Sicilian temper and puts it through the stratosphere is when I walk on the side of my lawn and see dog shit.

Seriously, you fuckers! If you are so damn lazy that you can’t be bothered to pick up after your dog, you shouldn't own one. But what gets me is this: These people AREN'T lazy. If they were lazy, they would just let their dog shit on their OWN lawn…

But no….. They put on their jackets, leash their pooch up, and take the trouble to walk them to MY fucking lawn, because they don’t want to mess up their own lawn with doggy poo.

For months now, I keep finding little surprises on my lawn, and I never was able to catch the fuckers responsible…

Until yesterday.

I was driving home from work, and what do I spy with my little eye, but some guy (a big doofy looking mother-fucker… he kind of looked like Fred Flintsone), standing on the side lawn of my house, with one of those little rat dogs on a leash. As I drove past, Fred gave me a nice neighborly smile while I spotted little Fido squatting down on my lawn.

I fucking saw red.

I jammed on my breaks, rolled the window down, and went OFF on this guy.

When I asked him what the fuck he was doing with his dog on my lawn, the only thing he was able to stammer out was “He’s just peeing!”

First: He was NOT just fucking peeing!
Second: I don’t care if he WAS just peeing, or shitting, or doing my fucking taxes, I DON’T WANT IT ON MY LAWN!

After the guy’s initial shock, he started to talk back to me, which completely pushed me over the edge. I started to get out of my car to make him EAT the dog shit, and maybe his little rat-dog for dessert.

That’s when I saw Friz, sticking her head out the kitchen window, giving me one of her “please for the love of God just let it go” imploring look on her face.

When she gives me that face, it can usually make me check myself for a second. And in that second while I was debating whether to give this guy a poo-poo facial, he mumbled a half-hearted apology and started to walk off.

So, for at least once in my life, I was able to check my temper, and let Fred run back to Wilma.

I haven’t seen him since, so I maybe he was smarter than he looked, because if I ever see him again I’m gonna go all “Yabba Dabba Do” all over his ass…….

Doodles

Well, it's been 5 days now, and I'm still all tingly from the post-coital afterglow that washed over me from seeing Watchmen in IMAX last Friday.

In case you couldn't tell from my last post, I thought it was aces.

Anyway, I wrote a few months back how I bought a scanner and was slowly (not slowly because its a difficult process, but slowly because I'm lazy as shit) taking all my old photos and getting them scanned into my computer.

I know the last time I had put some of my pics up for all of you, I had promised to put some more up soon. That was about 8 months ago now.

"Soon" seems to be a relative term for me.

Anyway, as I was going through an old folder looking for more pictures to scan, I came across some of my "old girlfriend" sketches.

I didn't even think i still had these, but lo and behold, there they were, hiding out for all these years buried way in the back of my closet.

I'm not sure exactly "why" I used to feel compelled to sketch every chick i ever went out with in college. I guess I thought it was artsy and romantic. Now it seems, oh i don't know... whats the word for "the opposite of artsy and romantic"?

"Cheesy and Perverted"? Maybe.

Anyway, like I said I found a bunch of them.

Since, as a rule, I don't really mind being made fun of, when I started this post I had intended to just show you all of them, but for once in my life discretion is taking the reigns....

.... Not enough for me to just NOT show them, however.

How about just one?



I remember at the time when I drew this one, i was really proud of it.

Now that a decade or 2 has passed, I can't help but look in horror at the stunted little midget arm that I gave my poor girl while she was looking so sexy posing for me. Every time I look at this picture, try as i might i cant look away from that damned little appendage.

She had two "Normal-sized" arms, I swear.

Anyway, because I don't have enough self-confidence to leave that picture up as my legacy, and maybe because thanks to the Watchmen i still have superhero-y goodness still percolating in my brain, I might as well put up one of my favorite sketches that i did a few years back. I've shown this one before, but that was pretty much when the only people who were reading this site were Earl and..... me. And Earl didn't come by too often.



I know i have a ton more of these somewhere buried in my mother's attic.... one of these days I'll need to rummage around in there until i find them.

And hey, look.... no midget arms!

I Watched The Watchmen

Earl and I just saw Watchmen.

All I can say is that I think this might be a near perfect adaptation of the original source material.

In short, the movie was OUTSTANDING!

In case you've been living under a rock for the last few weeks during the media blitz for this film, you already know that Watchmen was adapted from a comic book.

What you might NOT know, is just how important a literary work within the world of comics the Watchmen was when it premiered in 1985, and how important it still is today.

The Watchmen has been attempted to be made into a film about a dozen times now in the last 20 years. Every time, the option to make it into a movie would inevitably run out, and a year or two later word would spread that there was another film company attempting to get it made.

The failures to get the comic made into a movie are legendary within the geeky world of comic fandom. From the exorbitant costs, to licensing issues, to not having the technical ability to pull off all of the special effects, each time someone tried to get this made, it ended in dismal failure.

Until now.

This movie was good. Very good. And if you have been living with these characters in your mind for the past 2 decades like I have, then upgrade that analysis to "near perfect'.

For anyone who doesn't know the story, Watchmen tells the tale of the world, set in 1985, but a very different 1985 than we all knew.

This world, since the 1920's, had lived with superhero's... men and women with amazing powers and abilities that banded together to fight injustice in an increasingly unjust world. As the years went by, some hero's retired, some were killed, and some eventually passed on their title to the next generation.

Then, in the 70's, the government basically attempted to reign in all costumed heroes. Some hung up their capes and quit. Some went public. Some started to work as operatives in the military.

And some continued the fight, but did so from the shadows, branded as fugitives from the law.

As the story opens, this warped version of America is poised on the brink of nuclear Armageddon with the Soviet Union. There are public protests, riots, and a general state of panic is sweeping the country.

It is during this upheaval that someone murders The Comedian, a masked hero that has been on both sides of the law. His death, and the reasons behind it, begin to unravel a series of events that change the world, and the way it looks at these costumed gods that walk among them.

I won't go into any more detail than that. Believe me, i could prattle on about this movie all day.

Suffice to say that Zack Snyder, who I already considered to be the best young director working today, hit this one SO out of the park that I believe all future superhero movies will use this as the benchmark for years to come. Snyder is obviously a fan of this genre. He is one of us, and it shows with every beautiful frame.

Be warned: For those of you thinking this is another Hulk or Fantastic 4.... it's not. The themes and story here are all R-Rated, and not for the younger set. This is an ADULT story, with ADULT situations, language, and violence.

It's a very mature story, that just HAPPENS to be about superheroes.

This is the movie I dared hope Watchmen could one day be, 20 years ago when a young Slyde read it in his college dorm for the first time, enraptured with every page.

20 years in the making, this movie was absolutely worth the wait.

p.s. I got my review up on my blog before you did Earl..... bite me!

Lost Is Best

We are now at the halfway point in the season of the best freaking show on television, and all I have to say is HOLY CRAP!

Spoiler Alert: If you haven’t watched last night’s episode yet, my advice to you is to stop reading now, as I’m about to prattle on like a little school girl over this week’s episode’s shenanigans.

So, now the Losties are trapped in 1977? Holy shit!

This big question now is: How the Hell do they get back to their correct time? Or do they?

We know that Lock is back on the island, and alive with the rest of the survivors of our SECOND plane crash, flight 316.

What we DON’T know yet is, are the flight 316ers and Lock ALSO in 1977, or in our time? It would appear that they are ALSO stuck in the past, since last week we heard that a female and another (presumably Sun and Frank Lapidus) had taken a boat and rowed away from the crash.

If the Losties are now working for Dharma, can they work to stop the genocide that Ben will perpetrate on them in the coming years? Or are they doomed to repeat history?

And, if they ARE now stuck in the past, where does that leave the REST of the Losties that didn’t make the trek through time? People like Bernie, his wife, and the rest of the folkks that we always see in the background but we never meet?

I know I’m babbling, but dammit this show is too good NOT to babble and theorize about the next morning.

If you aren’t watching Lost, then you are, I’m sad to say, a pee-pee head.

So c’mon fellow devotees…. Theories please!

The Weather Outside Is Frightful

Want to know the definition of “suck”?

Its when, after most local weather guys informed us that we probably will NOT be hit with another snowstorm this year here on Long Island, we get blitzkrieged with the biggest fucking storm we’ve had in years…..

… on a Monday morning…..

… and EVERY DAMN business and school on the island correctly deduces that it would be better for everyone if they just closed for the day and let it’s employees be safe and relax at home…..

… EXCEPT FOR MY FUCKING COMPANY!!!!!!!

My God, what IS it with this place? We just don’t close. Ever!

It’s like the North Pole outside, except you can take away any fucking feeling of general Christmas Merriment or happy talking woodland creatures.

There was NO reason to open up today. None. The roads are ridiculous. It took me 3 times as long to get here today as normal, and when I finally DID get here, the place was pretty much deserted, because people who are obviously smarter than myself decided to break down and just take a fucking personal day rather than deal with this mess.

Not me. No fucking way. This place will have to pry one of my personal days from my cold, frostbitten, dead hands. I only use personal days for orgy/ski trips, or orgies that DON’T involve skiing.

Basically if the planned activity is “anything”/orgy, I’ll take a personal day for it, k?

Where was I?

Oh yeah, today sucks.

P.S. Thanks for all your wonderful ideas about last week’s pajama party. Against my better judgment, I DID decide to wear clothes, but regrettably there was no bisexual pillow fight afterwards. There WERE a few moms there wearing pajamas, but none that I wanted to bang. For what it’s worth, it didn’t appear that they wanted to bang me either. Maybe they were just playing hard to get. After all, there isn’t ANYONE who doesn’t want to screw me silly.

My son, however, DID get up on stage with the magician on hand and entertained the crowd. I took some cell phone video but I’m not sure how well it came out. If it looks halfway decent, I’ll be sure to throw it up here for you to check out.