Tuesday, February 24, 2009

9 Words Women Use

Because I am a master of all things pertaining to women, I thought it would be of great use to the rest of the male population if I were to take some time today and educate all you gents on what will undoubtedly go down in history as "Slyde's Handy 9-Point Guide To Understanding Women-Speak".

It's really not that hard once you've spent as much time around chicks as I have. And sharing my knowledge is a gift to you all. I'm a giver like that.

Anyway, Here it be:

(1) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome. that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying "FUCK YOU!"

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

I suggest you all just print this out and keep it neatly hidden in your wallet for easy referencing.

No need to thank me.


Dr Zibbs said...

I'm going to make this into a poster.

Chris H said...

Yeah, WHATEVER! lol

Chris H said...

Ha ha, I really don't mean "FUCK YOU" ! Not really.......

Verdant Earl said...

"(2) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house."

Wait a minute!

Who did you copy this from? Because there is no way that your mind generated that last sentence. When do you ever ask for five more minutes so you could "watch the game"? C'mon...

Sass said...

You know, men have their own language as well. Hell, they actually have their own system of measurement.

When a man says 6 inches, for some reason in real life, it's always closer to 2.

Funny how that works.

Not so funny?

Fine. Whatever. Thanks a lot. *loud sigh*

Slyde said...

zibbs: it would do you well to do so

chris H: See? im sensing you arent appreciating the help im trying to give..

earl: "watch the game" is my euphemism for "masturbate"

sass: see? i just got a loud sigh outta you!

Mrs. Hall said...

hee hee hee heee


cause it's true.


Slyde said...

holly: of course it is... i dont lie.

Heff said...

I would say thank you, but unfortunately, I found out the definition of all these words PERSONALLY.

Hold Me.

Tamara said...

I printed this out ages ago and told my husband to study it. Yet when I say "nothing" he still thinks it means everything's ok. Women have given men ample opportunity to learn their language.

Anonymous said...

Just 2 clarifications, albeit from someone less exeprienced that yourself,

1. fine - is used wether she is right or wrong

2. five minutes - is never even close when it pertains to making a quick stop at a store in the mall or a quick phone call to one of the woman friends.

Wow, still playing the game at your age, have you finally made it?

Unknown said...

I LOVE this! Because there are some that are EXACTLY me! I use "whatever" all the time, and yes, it's sarcastic and I want him to shut the fuck up.

# 1 and #4 are me all the way, too.

I don't think I've ever said "Thank a lot". I'm too verbal and vocal to let it end there.

One that I'm not??? #2. I can get ready FASTER than my husband, and that's doing my hair and my makeup. He has even timed me before when I've said "I can do this is 10 minutes". He has often said that I get ready faster than any women he has ever known. But then again, he is a SLOW man. I mean SLOW!!!!!! Drives me freaking nuts, but hey, that's "okay".

Michelle said...

#8, #8, #8


Anonymous said...

#3 & 8 are my FAVORITES. i use those words alot! LOL

i am the diva said...

you are wise beyond your years, slyde

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Oh yeah Slyde-that was one of your best posts EVER!!!

I am all over printing this sucker out and posting it to the fridge for the two men that live in my house!

Sounds like you GET IT and I dig that about you!!

Ohh, good times....Well done!

Ali said...

I gave this list to Chris several years ago - he's still confused.

Mermaid Melanie said...

yes. good list. i think there are a few additions. I will work on my own list soon.

Unknown said...

The pic scared the shit outta me when I opened this post. I LOVE that list. I use ALL of those words almost every day..
I'm a bitch like that!

Glad to have you back ;)

terri said...

So true! In addition to these, I also use the eye-roll. Highly effective in pissing off the hubby.

Unknown said...

Ack, how did you decode our language?

Next you'll figure out that we don't Really have a headache at night...

Faiqa said...

You know there's a special forces team of Amazons on their way to your house to punish you for revealing these secrets, right?

And you're thinking, "Ooooh, Amazons... like Wonder Woman?"


Real Live Lesbian said...

Lesbians= multiply that by 2

#9: Brilliant!

Anonymous said...

I think I saw these in an email once before. But you probably wrote that too. ;) Well, it must work anyway since you are still around to talk about it. Either that or Fritz is just biding her time.

April said...

You were dead on with ALL of those! LOL!!!

Chris said...

That "five minutes" one is soooo true.

Bruce Johnson said...

Dude. you have sooo plagerized this. I have seen it on the net for years. What the matter, running out of things to blog about while you are snowed in?

I have an exceptional blog about women set to be posted next week.....watch for it.