Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Prayers Unanswered

I haven’t prayed since the day my grandfather died.

To people who come here regularly, that statement might come as a bit of a surprise, as I don’t think I come off (especially not on this blog) as a religious person in the least.

And I’m not, really. Except for my grandfather’s funeral and my nieces’ confirmations, I haven’t stepped foot in a church in at LEAST 15 years.

But for some reason, since I was a kid, I have always said a prayer at night before I went to sleep.

No one instilled this in me. For a reason I can no longer remember, when I was about 12 or so, each night I began to say a prayer that I had made up on my own. It was basically just a prayer for my family. It’s too personal to print here, but over the years, I have added/changed it, and while I don’t repeat it in my head EVERY night, I did recite it more nights than not. It had become a nightly ritual for me, no different than brushing my teeth.

I didn’t realize until last night that I haven’t said it since he passed away.

When my grandmother died about 20 years ago, I finally realized the fleeting mortality of people, and I began to add a special part of my nightly prayer at the end, specifically for my grandfather. As the years marched on, and his health became slowly worse over time, this ending part of my prayer became longer, and more important to me. Sometimes, if I was especially tired, I would JUST recite this special ending.

Over time, this ending part became especially important to me. I think in the back of my mind, I viewed it as a kind of magical talisman, and that my nightly ritual was somehow mystically keeping death from him. If I fell asleep at night forgetting to say the prayer to myself, I felt guilty the next morning, like I had let my watch over him slip a bit.

Then, in October, he was taken from me, and somehow, the idea of prayer just completely went out the window for me. Before yesterday, I hadn’t even thought about it since that day.

I guess so much of what I was trying to stave off with that nightly mantra had become moot with his death, and the concept of what I was doing each night, at least subconsciously, became moot right along with it.

Certainly, I still have things in my life to be thankful for, and are worthy of my prayers. It bothers me that my subconscious didn’t realize that too.

I still don’t know if I’m ready to come up with a new prayer at night for myself, but I think a big part of my healing process has been this final realization that it has been missing from my life for 4 months now.

P.S.. I realize that this post got way too heavy for what is usually a blog about boobies and wee-wees. I DO mature up from time to time, even when I don’t want to. I promise to be smarmy and obnoxious again next time.

36 comments:

Holly Hall said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Holly Hall said...

Well, as far as being too heavy with this post, perhaps that is a good thing. I mean, it is about balance with these blogs.

Some days with the dick jokes, some days with the more emotional stuff. This adds to the strength of the blog, keeps things variant and thus more interesting.

And personally Slyde, this post, and the emotional stuff, the deeper things, this is phenomenal. I am knocked sideways here, with this post. Maybe I just talk to too many people who aren't in touch with their inner workings that I forget what it is like to hear someone explaining how they feel. In exquisite detail.

It is awesome and magical and heartbreaking all at the same time.

((hugs))

Mrs. Hall :)

(i'll say a prayer for you tonight :)

Chris H said...

I can understand why you stopped your nightly pray. I hope you can find a new prayer that suits your life now...
I am not religious in the least.. but each to their own.
I used to HAVE TO SEE the time 11.11pm before I could go to sleep... then my brother was killed in an accident and I found out afterwards that THAT WAS THE TIME HE DIED. I was freaked out and now hate to see that 'time' on a clock. WEIRD too. Now I try not to get 'attatched' to any specific time. Don't know how that relates to your saying a prayer, but whatever!

Heff said...

You know what I'm thankful for ? FISTING.

There, I just "lightened up" your post.

Slyde said...

holly: thx! hugs right back at ya...

chrish: you told me that story once before...its crazy. im sorry for the loss of your brother.

heff: ahhhhh, thanks for that.

Faiqa said...

You do serious and heavy just fine. And I understand where you're coming from on this one. Besides, life isn't all boobies and wee wees. Unfortunately.

AlleyCat said...

Not too heavy. I do a similar thing myself, generally a reflection of all the things & people i am thankful for in my life before I fall asleep.

Sometimes our subconscious needs a break too; dont be bothered, it has been working, subconsciously! :0)

elizabeth said...

Dude. I wish I could bring you some soup or something...

i am the diva said...

as much as we all love boobies and wee-wees, it's nice to see a little depth sometimes.

Still thinking of you as you grieve and heal.

Shania said...

I'm a seeker, myself. Still seeking the path I like. I think the mantras and prayers and little talismans that we all use to get us through evolve as we need them. Your prayer served the purpose you needed it for. When you need a new one, it'll come.

~The South Dakota Cowgirl~ said...

Personally, I think a blog is a cathartic thing. So if you can't talk about something heavy here, well then you've got bigger issues. I'm glad you're thinking about prayer. It always soothes my soul to pray.

terri said...

I peeked in here the other day but didn't have time to stay and read much. I got the idea there were a lot of booby and wee-wee references and it made me laugh and want to come back. Now this, even more so.

I don't know. I guess your realization shows that we never quit growing and if we do, then what's the point? I hope that whatever you decide about the prayer, it leads to your continued healing. I'm very sorry for the loss of your grandfather.

(I usually don't leave such long comments. This post just struck me.)

B.E. Earl said...

I never knew you prayed. I haven't prayed since, well, um...forever, I guess. And I come from a much more religious background than you do. Talking to an invisible man in the sky just seemed weird to me.

Maybe I should give it a try. Couldn't hurt.

Being Brazen said...

I thought this post was so great and so very honest.

Hope you start praying again :)

Ps - maybe just pray anything you feel at night. Maybe a set pray isnt what you need anymore.

Tamara said...

We love you when you're juvenile (most of the time) and when you're mature (very occasionally) ;-)

I think it's awesome that you prayed and I hope that your subconscious finds a suitable prayer to start again sometime.

Your grandfather might enjoy listening from up there.

mikeb302000 said...

I like what you said about the actual wording of the prayer being too personal to put it in the post. I thought your whole post was pretty personal. I loved it.

I think praying has more to do with my own frame of mind than whether there really is someone listening. When I can get myself in that frame of mind, I do better. When I can't, I don't fault myself about it, I just wait till it comes back naturally.

Good stuff.

dizzblnd said...

Its ok to share your more mature self every once in a while.. It says a lot about your character and who you are as a man.

As for the nightly prayer, I too have said one since I was 12.

It is a good way to release some of your angst and fears before you go to sleep at night. I hope you will find it in you to continue.


Hugs to you so I can squish my boobies to you and a smack on the ass for good measure

Cuz said...

OMG, we are more like than we know.
I don't go to church either unless it's for a wedding or something like that but every.single.night. I say a prayer to watch over my parents and if I forget to say it I freak out, like something will happen to them.

Slyde said...

faiqa: yeah, but wouldnt it be a better life if it were?

alleycat: yeah, i guess it HAS been, on some level at least...

liz: mmmm, soup would be good right about now...

diva: thanks, missy...

Slyde said...

shania: i think thats an excellent way of looking at it, honestly.

cowgirl. i agree. there is very little i leave out here on this blog. the only things i dont talk about are things that people i know in RL who read it might be hurt by.

terri: thanks, and welcome! love your blog, btw!

earl: see, and with your background, i kinda figured you DID pray.

Slyde said...

brazen: maybe it isnt. im honestly not sure anymore..

tamara: i think thats a very sweet way of looking at it.

mikeb: i agree. and as for not posting it here, i could never do that. its way to personal, and kinda embarrassing.

dizz: you had me all emotional until thoughts of your boobies and ass got me all hot...

cuz: thats really freaky... maybe its in the blood?

Cuz said...

it is freaky. reading your post was like reading something I had written.

Ookami Snow said...

I was going to have a more lengthy comment, but Being Brazen said it better and in fewer words than I could have.

Bruce said...

You were starting to worry me with this blog....but you finally mentioned 'boobies' near the end, so it all turned out good.

This is all a good thing in the end. Every one needs to question their existence and the reasons we are here and what is important in the grand scheme. It is the folks that never do this, that live in denial, without asking the hard questions, that I worry about.

Slyde said...

cuz: it IS freaky..

ookami: got it.

bruce: im glad i didnt dissapoint.

Michelle said...

Hi dude,
This post is phenomonal!!! I love that you can totally open up here. That is what is so amazing about blogging....its like a private journal of your thoughts gone public. A lot of what you say, i feel!!! A lot of what you feel, i write!!! Or do I???

Hey you get the point I hope!!! We all go through shit only to come out of it way stronger!!! I know i am, slowly but its happening!!!

Great post!!!

HAPPY THURSDAY!!!!

Heff said...

boobies and wee-wees !!!

Sorry, I just had to say it, too !

Em said...

I'm Sorry for your loss. I think when youa re ready, you will start praying again and you probably won't even realize you made the decision to do it. So, you usually talk about boobies and wee-wees, huh? LOL

Candy's daily Dandy said...

I'm not going to wax on about the power of prayer and all that, but I will say this- I'll bet you haven't lost your faith, I think you were just coming to terms with the grief.
Somehow your faith has revealed itself to you again, and you have responded..

Slyde said...

michele: i agree... it think that blogging can certainly be a cathartic experience..

heff: thanks for that!

em: unfortunatly, yes. its what is most often on my little mind...

candy: i have a juvenile "wax off" comment all ready to go, but im really trying to hold back here....

Meghan said...

Very well written post. I hope you get your prayer and your reason back :)

teeni said...

I'm not a demonstratively religious person myself but I think prayer is wonderful. I think it is normal that you took a break from it since you are mourning the loss of your grandfather. But I was interested (and glad) to hear that you noticed it missing from your life and that you feel you have many things to be thankful and prayerful for in your life still. I admire you all the more for being so honest and open about that part of your life. May you always have wonderful things in your life Slyde.

Slyde said...

meghan: thx. me too.

teeni: same to you teeni.. and thanks.

mr zig said...

great post! very thought provoking!

Slyde said...

zig: thanks much!

2abes said...

This post is part of the reason that you have so many readers. You keep it real. Sure lots of bathroom humor but also the human factor posts.