Friday, January 30, 2009

Friday Funnies

Lest anyone start thinking that i think too much, i figured i'd close out the week with a stupid joke.

My Father-in-Law, of all people, sent this one to me today, and it gave me a chuckle.



1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

I'm think i'm gonna try to live by this mantra from now on.

I seem to have some openings..... anyone wanna apply?

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Prayers Unanswered

I haven’t prayed since the day my grandfather died.

To people who come here regularly, that statement might come as a bit of a surprise, as I don’t think I come off (especially not on this blog) as a religious person in the least.

And I’m not, really. Except for my grandfather’s funeral and my nieces’ confirmations, I haven’t stepped foot in a church in at LEAST 15 years.

But for some reason, since I was a kid, I have always said a prayer at night before I went to sleep.

No one instilled this in me. For a reason I can no longer remember, when I was about 12 or so, each night I began to say a prayer that I had made up on my own. It was basically just a prayer for my family. It’s too personal to print here, but over the years, I have added/changed it, and while I don’t repeat it in my head EVERY night, I did recite it more nights than not. It had become a nightly ritual for me, no different than brushing my teeth.

I didn’t realize until last night that I haven’t said it since he passed away.

When my grandmother died about 20 years ago, I finally realized the fleeting mortality of people, and I began to add a special part of my nightly prayer at the end, specifically for my grandfather. As the years marched on, and his health became slowly worse over time, this ending part of my prayer became longer, and more important to me. Sometimes, if I was especially tired, I would JUST recite this special ending.

Over time, this ending part became especially important to me. I think in the back of my mind, I viewed it as a kind of magical talisman, and that my nightly ritual was somehow mystically keeping death from him. If I fell asleep at night forgetting to say the prayer to myself, I felt guilty the next morning, like I had let my watch over him slip a bit.

Then, in October, he was taken from me, and somehow, the idea of prayer just completely went out the window for me. Before yesterday, I hadn’t even thought about it since that day.

I guess so much of what I was trying to stave off with that nightly mantra had become moot with his death, and the concept of what I was doing each night, at least subconsciously, became moot right along with it.

Certainly, I still have things in my life to be thankful for, and are worthy of my prayers. It bothers me that my subconscious didn’t realize that too.

I still don’t know if I’m ready to come up with a new prayer at night for myself, but I think a big part of my healing process has been this final realization that it has been missing from my life for 4 months now.

P.S.. I realize that this post got way too heavy for what is usually a blog about boobies and wee-wees. I DO mature up from time to time, even when I don’t want to. I promise to be smarmy and obnoxious again next time.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

They're Into WHAT????

As anyone who knows me can attest, i am FAR from a prude.

At least, i THOUGHT so.

But after seeing the newsclip below, maybe i'm just an old fuddy-duddy after all.

Call me old-fashioned, but i just don't feel that we should be discussing the Obama's sexual proclivities on Fox News.

Am i getting so old that my hearing is beginning to fail me, or did that chick just happily chirp away on national TV that the Obama's are into fisting?

For what it's worth, i dont think that there is any actual "fisting" going on in that photo. Maybe it was taken right afterwards?

I think my vote for our next election will be for MICHELE Obama.......

Thursday, January 22, 2009

I need a moment…

Pardon me, folks, but allow me a few days to bask in the warm, comfy, post-coital afterglow that happens to me after every time…..

… that LOST comes back on the airwaves!

Ok, who watched it last night? A whole 2 hours of Season Premier Goodness! My toes are still all tingly!

I thought it was very good. They are very definitely and swiftly moving the story forward with each new episode now, which is a pretty good thing since there are only 31 episodes left.

It HAD to have been a good episode, since, as a basic principle, I freaking HATE shows/movies about time travel, and I actually didn’t mind last night’s time-bending episode at all.

Why do I hate time-travel in movies/TV shows, you might ask? It’s because they always fuck things up, to the point where the movie just doesn’t make sense any more.

For instance, can someone please tell me why the fuck Marty Mcfly NEVER EVER, after each botched attempt at doing whatever he was trying to do, just go back to the damn car AND JUST SET THE DATE BACK AND TRY AGAIN? DAMNIT, that pisses me off!

Same goes for Terminator, or any other of the dozens of movies that deal with time travel. They just can’t write a decent story about moving through time that makes any real sense, so they just bend the rules a little to make a story of it, and it never fails to tick me off.

But that is neither here nor there. I’m still convulsing with joy over having Kate, Locke, Hurley, and Sawyer back in my life………

Friday, January 16, 2009

The Interview

A few weeks ago, that hot little minx Diva asked people to let her interview them.

Because I somehow thought that this was my ice-breaker to finally get her into bed, I agreed.

Here, ladies and gentlemen, is that interview.

1) Who, in your opinion, is the LAMEST super hero of all time and why?

That’s a good question. Unfortunately I’ve gotta go with the first thought that popped into my perfectly-featured head. For me, the lamest superhero of all time is this guy:

Guess what his name is? I’ll give you a hint…. It’s Slyde.

That’s right, 25 years ago, I got my namesake from a guy whose only super-power was a suit he invented that was coated completely in Teflon, making him so slippery that he was literally untouchable. That was it. That was ALL the super-powers he had. I’m trying really hard to think of someone else, but I don’t think you can get much more pathetic than that.

2) What is the best thing about being a dad - in your experience?

That’s easy. For 6 years now, I just can’t get over the fact that there is this little guy who lives in my house, and his world totally, 100%, revolves around me. All he wants to do in his little life is to make me proud, and to spend time with me. I eat that shit up, and come back for more. He is so completely pure in his intentions and love that he humbles me.

Don’t get me wrong. I know that this age won’t last forever. I know that I’m just a few short years away from the “Dad, Stop it! You’re embarrassing me!” age. All I know is that the first time he tells me that he’d rather go and play with his friends than with me, he’s going to break my heart.

3) Name the top ten movies that you think everyone should watch at least once before they die (please don't say star wars)

Oh, I am so tempted to just list Star Wars 10 times!

But ok, I’ll give this a real shot. Here’s my 10, in no particular order. If I tried to order them, I think my head would explode from the strain. And nobody wants that (except Earl).

-Godfather 1 & 2
-12 Angry Men
-King Kong
-The Matrix
-Lord of the Rings 1, 2, & 3
-Roots (not a movie I know… bite me!)
-Full Metal Jacket
-Usual Suspects

Damn, that was pretty hard. I’m sure an hour for now I’ll think of something that SHOULD be more deserving to be put on this list. Oh well.

4) If you could pick on person, fictional, to hang out with for 24 hours - who would it be and why?

(Note: Because brains aren’t quite my strong suit, I misread this question and picked non-fictional people in my answer. I’m too lazy to change it now. But if you MUST have an answer to the ORIGINAL question as written, I’d probably spend the day with SLYDE, just so I could repeatedly punch him in the nuts for making my namesake so lame).

Well, for this one, I could go a number of ways (did I just admit I go both ways? Shit did I just type that again? Hopefully no one is reading anything that I’m typing in the parentheses!).

For pure sexual gratification, I would have to say Megan Fox. Damn, the things I would do to that girl.

For an informational experience, maybe Lee Harvey Oswald. Just to put the decades old questions to rest.

Oh, who am I kidding? I’d jump in a heartbeat for one more day with my grandfather. I could take him fishing one last time, and give him a proper goodbye.

5) How has your blog changed in the last year?

In the past year, I don’t think it’s changed very much at all.

For sure, it’s gotten a little more popular, but I have all you sexy people to thank for that.

Technically, this year I finally moved away from my custom-made blog and over to Blogger, which has been a big timesaver for me.

Content-wise, I try to post 3 times a week now, which was pretty much unheard of when I first started. Anyone who has been here from the beginning might remember that it wasn’t unusual for me to post 2-3 times a month, instead of each week.

Other than that, what I actually write about hasn’t changed in the past year at all.

If you make the wise decision to visit my site, you can pretty much be guaranteed to be bombarded with juvenile dick and booby jokes, and constant remarks reminding you all how insanely hot I am.

This, my fellow bloggers, is my solemn pledge to you.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Wii Fail

I’ve told you before how much I love News Bloopers, but I a pretty much a big fan of bloopers in general.

I don’t know why, but there is just something about a dude accidentally getting punched in the nuts that makes me titter like a little girl.

I stumbled across this one the other day. Sure, if you take a spin through Youtube, there are tons of video’s just like this one, but for me, it’s the reaction of the kid in this vid that makes me guffaw.


P.S. I had no idea what to write about today. Does it show?

Monday, January 12, 2009

10 New Years Blog-Buddy Observations

Hello, my sexy farmhands!

(What the hell does THAT mean? I honestly have no idea. I just made it up, trying to be witty and all, but it sounds pretty stupid, doesn’t it? Oh well, I’m gonna leave it there as a testament to my idiocy. I suck.)

I wanted to do a post like this last week, but then laziness got the better of me.

As a new year begins, I thought it would be interesting (to me, anyway. Screw YOU people!) to post 10 observations/thoughts about some of the blogs I frequent.

Now, I frequent A LOT of blogs, but I’ve decided to list only 10.

Are these my favorite blogs? Not necessarily. For sure, I enjoy them all, but I am no way NEAR motivated enough to have the energy to come up with a top 10 list. Plus, even if I HAD a top 10 list, I wouldn’t post it.

No, these are just the first, completely random thoughts on the first 10 or so blogs that came to my mind:

1) I stand in awe of blogs like That Blue Yak, Incurable Insomniac and Diet Coke Rocks. Not only do they manage to post SO much content on their sites, but they are always quick to comment on any new post I put up. Where do they find the time?

2) Mrs. Hall gets huge points close to my heart not only for her blog, but for the heartfelt comments that she never fails to leave here.

3) I miss Elise and Ginormous Boobs. I hope that they come back to blogland sometime this year.

4) I think if I lived in Canada, I’d have a chance with Idiosyncrasies of a Gemini Mind, at least until her husband It’s The Meds found out about it.

5) I respect the Hell out of people who make such drastic health life choices like Michelle, but there’s no frigging way I could ever follow suit.

6) I am absolutely certain that, if I lived closer to Pittsburg, I could convince Squirrel Looking for a Nut to have a steamy 3-way with me and Friz.

7) Liz doesn’t visit here too much anymore, which makes me sad. She was one of my first blogging friends, and the only blogger who I ever actually sent anything to through the mail. (Contrary to popular opinion, it was the season 2 finale of Lost, and not a naked picture)

8) People like James who take the time to send me warm and thoughtful emails make me remember why I continue this blog, on days that I don’t really want to.

9) I wish I had something witty to say about Bruce, Native Born, or Tamara, but i'm comming up empty. All I know is that I always enjoy what they have to say.

10) I really don’t hate Earl half as much as I let on. I would have dropped his ass a decade ago if I did. My grandfather was pretty convinced he was gay, and in love with me. Who am I to argue?

Wow, that was actually kind of fun. If I didn’t include you, don’t hate me for it (or because I’m beautiful). These really WERE the first 10 things that came to my little mind. There are a bunch more of you that I love. Basically, if I link to you, then I love you (and yes, in THAT way). Maybe I’ll add to this list down the line.

Happy belated New Year, my sexy nurses! (Ok, now THAT one is just stupid. I still suck)

Thursday, January 08, 2009

Can The World Be Big Enough For TWO of Me?

Never Let it be said that I am a liar.

Devastatingly handsome, yes. Also the epitome of physical perfection, and a great kisser. Plus, I'm humble.

But I am NOT a liar.

If you come here regularly enough, then you have probably heard me refer to my son as "Mini-Me". It's not just a cutsie name that I've come up with. EVERYONE calls him that, because he is, without a doubt, the spitting image of me.

I mean it. It's downright freaky. Every once in a while, Friz will look at him and say "You know, i think he's got my eyebrows" or some such similar nonsense, but it's just wishful thinking on her part. There is not ONE part of my son that resembles her in the slightest. In fact, one could make a pretty strong argument that she isn't his mother. I'd ALMOST believe it.

The fact that he and i look so much alike really was brought home for me the other day, when I was scanning in some more old photos that I have laying around, and I came across this one of my cute self. I'm pretty sure i was around 3 years old.

Aren't I the cutest damn thing since sliced bread? Who could have guessed that such a little bundle of cuteness, growing up in the 70's, would grow into one of the sexiest men on the planet? Oh, how naive we all were back in those halcyon days of yesteryear.

Just as remarkably, i STILL ride that plastic bunny to work everyday!

Anyway, as I was looking at that picture, i was again thunderstruck at just how much of the genetic "me" my son received. I KNEW that i had a picture of him hidden around somewhere where he was in a similar pose.

I decided that i HAD to find it, just to prove to Friz once and for all that, beyond some minor thing called pregnancy, she really had NOTHING to do with this whole affair.

After tearing the house apart, i FINALLY found the picture.

How freaky is that? We were even captured in the same profile!

Same eyebrows, same eyes, same pudgy cheeks, same EVERYTHING!

Some children are born into riches, or fame. Some inherit a title of nobility, or a Fortune 500 company, but there is only one child, in the entire history of children (which I'm pretty sure goes back a long way, ) to be born into such physical perfection!

He REALLY owes me for this one. He better take good care of me when I'm old and decrepit and poo-ing my pants.

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Slyde’s Pet Peeve # 4 – Batteries Not Included

Happy New Year, you sexy people you!

As of this morning, I am officially back at work, so I guess as of this morning, I will officially start blogging again. Funny how that works, isn’t it?

I saw my dad off at the airport yesterday. It was sad to see him go, but hopefully he can return before too long. Driving home, I started thinking about the holidays, and how many toys Mini-Me had gotten this year.

And thinking about THAT got me thinking about my current pet peeve:


Damn, does that piss me off!

Do you have any idea how many gifts my son opened this Christmas that needed batteries that the giver did not bother to include? My son’s little face routinely went from “super excited” to “super disappointed” as he handed me gift after gift and asked me to open it so he could play with it, only to have me tell him, “Sorry, we don’t have the right kind of batteries. I’ll have to run out and get some in the morning”.

My God, people! It says right on the damn box what kind of batteries the toy needs! Why stick that on me, the parent? Do you really think it’s OK to give my son a $10 toy that requires I run out to the store to purchase $12 worth of batteries for? Who the fuck do I work for, Duracell?

Seriously, my son must have gotten about 8 toys from well-meaning people this year, sans batteries. I had to buy about $50 worth of batteries so I could make some plastic pieces of shit that my son didn’t even ask for in the first place light up and go “beep beep”.

Hell, one person even gave him something that needed batteries, AND a 60 fucking watt candelabra lightbulb (all NOT included, of course!). Because you know, I just happen to grow 60 watt candelabra lightbulbs out of my ass, so that was a lucky break for us.

I know you all mean well, but PLEASE, for the love of God, in the future, don’t give kids HALF of a gift. Either supply everything a child needs to play with your gift right out of the box, or just give him a gift card to Toys R Us or something.

Believe me, it will go a lot easier on the parents.