The Year Endeth....

See how much I love you guys?

I am hosting a New Year's bash at my place tonight (the guests should start arriving in about 30 minutes, in fact), and what do i decide to spend my last few unaccounted-for minutes of the year doing?

Wishing you all a very happy and safe New Year's, that's what!

Seriously guys, lets all hope that the new year, Hell, the new decade, brings us all much peace, love, joy, and prosperity. God knows we could use it.

(And yes, I know i've been absolutely HORRIBLE with keeping up with blogs while i've been off on my 3 week vacation. That's a nicer way of saying that I havent read ANYONE'S blog in 3 weeks. I'll be back to work come Monday, so i'm sure i'll be back to my web-surfing sexiness before long.)

Kick Ass!

You wanna know what REALLY pisses me off?

Sure you do. It's when i have a great idea for a new post, but then, because I'm a lazy shit, i don't put it up for a few days, and some asshat ends up beating me to it and puts up the same story on THEIR blog!

Well, it's happened to me again.

I've wanted to write about the new movie "Kick-Ass!" for about a week now, but between me still being on vacation, and the holidays and all, i just never found the time. Remarkably, i STILL managed to find the time to play LEFT FOR DEAD 2 for about 10 hours last week, but that's neither here nor there.

Anyway, my beard Earl beat me to the punch this time, and talked about this movie yesterday.

Kick Ass! is based on a comic book that i had heard of, but for some reason have never read. It's a very dark story in which a group of average kids decide that they want to try being real costumed-clad superheroes.

Since i first saw this trailer last week, I've kinda been obsessed with it.

Be warned: It's kinda hard-core for a trailer. If seeing a little kid maim a bunch of people and drop some pretty heavy-duty profanity offends you, then you had best not watch the video below.



If you search around on the net, there is actually a different trailer for each one of the kids, but Hit Girl's, understandably, is the one that is generating most of the buzz, both good and bad.

I can see people's concerns as to the territory in which this movie treads, but honestly, this trailer has me so damn jazzed to see this movie, i really cannot contain myself. Last night i found myself humming that damn tune while watching television.

I am SO THERE when this movie opens in April. Who's with me?

The Last Avatar Review You'll Ever Read

Oh, I'm such a crafty little bugger.

While the WHOLE ENTIRE Interwebs have been posting nothing but Avatar reviews this week, bombarding you with the basically the same thing over and over again, what do I go and do?

I quite ingeniously turn it all up on its ear, and decide to post NOTHING at all this week, even though Earlsy and I saw Avatar OPENING morning!

I've sat here all week revelling in the thought of all of you, visiting here every 10 minutes, every day, all week, waiting to see my review of this movie. My web stats must be through the roof! MUHAHAHAH!

Anyway, I'll TRY to get past my incredible marketing strategy know-how and get to what I actually thought of the movie.

First off, if you can stomach shelling out $16 bucks like i did, i would highly recommend seeing it in IMAX 3-D. More than any other movie i have ever seen in my life, the movie just feels .... alive. I really don't know how to put it any better than that. I pretty much sat through the entire film in awe of the technology, and how immerse the jungle planet of Pandora looked on screen. From the ambient noises, to the constant barrage of flies buzzing past my head in all their 3-D glory, the world just felt real, and i felt like i was in the middle of it.

Simply speaking, technology-wise, it is the most impressive movie ever made. This film probably makes George Lucas want to gouge his eyes out, since, on so many levels, this film does what Lucas strived so hard to do with his last three Star Wars films.

Make no mistake though, Avatar isn't the next "Godfather". The story is actually kinda hokey, and some dialogue bordered on the cringe worthy. But then again, if you are shelling out $16 to see this movie in Imax 3-D, you probably aren't overly concerned with the story.

The last thing i want to say is that, while it may sound contrary to what i wrote above, i am generally NOT a fan of copious CGI in a film. No matter how good the computer effects are, I still find them slightly fake, and would still much rather see a movie using the old-school "real" special effects. The aliens in this movie, while looking leaps-and-bounds better than any previous movie CGI characters(take THAT, Jar-Jar Binks!), still looked stiff to me. I guess I'm just an old fogey at heart when it comes to movie effects.

Anyway, that's my review. I'd give the movie a solid 3 Stars..... 4 stars for the effects, and 2 stars for the story.

If i don't get to put up another post before tomorrow (and who am i kidding, we all know i won't), HAPPY HOLIDAYS, everyone!

Lazy

I haven't posted in over a week. I have a good reason for this.

I'm lazy.

Well, that's not entirely fair. It's TRUE, but not fair.

The company I work for, in pure Scrooge-like fashion, does not let me carry over my vacation days from one year to the next, and they ALSO won't pay me out for UNUSED vacation days, so in terms of my time off, it's strictly "use it or lose it".

And i intend to use it, baby.....

I have been off from work since last Thursday. I will not be returning to work for the rest of the year. For the mathematically inept, that's over 3 consecutive weeks off.

When i think about it, I feel slightly guilty about leaving all my work responsibilities for such a long period of time. So i decided to do the more responsible thing, and just not think about it.

So, what have i been doing with my time off?

- Yesterday, i finished up my Christmas shopping. I did this by pulling up to Toys R Us first thing in the morning, and basically buying out the store. This little munchkin who lives with me better one day realize that he has the coolest Daddio in the world.

- I also finished appraising my old comic book collection. Remember, i started doing that about 2 months ago? Well, I'm happy to report that my comic book collection clocks in at over $22,000, if you can believe that shit. And, since i am now in debt to my local Toys R Us to the tune of about $21,000, I'd be more than happy to sell my entire collection to the first Slydesblogger out there who coughs up a nice fat check for 20 large... any takers?

- I've been playing a lot of video games. A LOT of video games. Sexy, i know. But the fact is that Mini-Me is still in school this week, and Friz is working, so it's either play games, or visit Craigslist for random M/M hookups. I like to think that I'm choosing the more responsible option...

- Earl finally convinced me to join Netflix, because apparently i don't watch enough movies. I have been fighting the Netflix thing for years now, but now that they can stream movies, real time, over my Playstation 3, i finally exploded in an orgy of techno-fanboy glee and gave 'em my credit card.

- Speaking of my girlfriend Earl, he and I will be going to the IMAX 3-D Opening day screening of Avatar on Friday. I want to go see it because i have had a hard-on for James Cameron and all of his films for 20 years now. Earl wants to go because when the movie starts i like to rub his thigh during the trailers.

Anyway, as you all know, its hard for me to blog when I'm off from work, so i wont be doing too much of it, but I'll try to let less time go by before i finally succumb and regurgitate something up on the site.

Wax On, Wax Off

Mini-Me got into his first fight this weekend.

Remember I told you about THE LITTLE MONSTER FROM THE BLACK LAGOON that I almost put over my knee and spanked this past 4th of July?

Well, Friz took Mini-Me to a friend’s house on Friday night, for a kiddie holiday party. Unfortunately, Hitler Jr. was ALSO scheduled to be in attendance.

The entire week, my son was telling me….

“Daddy, do I HAVE to go?”
“ I don’t like that kid… He’s a bully”

… and on and on.

Anyway, they weren’t there for more than 30 minutes, playing outside, before Mini-Me runs into the house, half in tears, saying how Little Damian apparently didn’t like the way Mini-Me was throwing the ball, and decided it would be fun to just knock him down and punch him, instead.

If I had been there, I do believe I FINALLY would have hit the kid, but Friz, who had ALSO finally had enough of this little monster, pulled my son aside, cleaned him up and told him that “This is EXACTLY the kind of situation that he has been going to Karate class for the past year and a half.”

We’ve been telling him from the beginning that his learning Karate was only for “self – defense”, but, being only 6, I don’t think he ever really understood what that exactly meant until that moment.

Brave little man he is, he nodded, and went back outside to play.

30 minutes later, the ladies heard the all the kids outside, screaming.

When everyone ran outside, the group all stood open-mouthed at the site of my son beating the living crap out of this little schmuck.

Apparently, Shithead Jr. once again decided that he didn’t like the way my son was throwing the ball, and decided to knock him down again. This time my son got himself up, charged at him, and knocked him on his big fat ass. Finally having hit his limit, my son jumped him, and proceeded to karate-chop the shit out of him.

By the time Friz reached him to pull him off the kid, Mini-Me had schmuko crying his fat head off, and his jacket was ripped to ribbons.

One of the other kids that were there said they had never seen anything like it.

When they got home, poor Mini-Me at first didn’t want to tell me about it. He was afraid he was going to get into trouble, bless his little heart.

“Trouble” was the farthest thing he was going to get from ME.

I felt like going out and getting him a cigar, and a hooker, but I’m not sure he’s old enough to appreciate either one of those things yet.

Give him time………

Sometimes, The Funny Comes Right To YOU

Golf Digest, which you would normally have to pin my eyes open “Clockwork Orange” style to ever get me to try to read, put out their latest issue on newsstands this morning.

If you open your window and listen VERY closely, you can probably hear, right NOW, the editor at Golf Digest being fired for not being able to pull this month’s cover story, or at least change the cover, before the issue was released to the public.

“10 Tips Obama Can Take From Tiger”???????

Are you kidding me?

Now, I haven’t read the issue yet, but let me take a wild stab at this one…..

1) If you have a net worth of roughly $500 million, don’t have your wife sign a pre-nup if you are gonna start banging other chicks.

2) Its probably not a good idea to indulge in too much sexting with other women.

3) Keep your golf clubs safetly locked away when not in use.

4) When being attacked by a jealous wife running at you with a 9-Iron while you are pulling out of the driveway, remember to check your blind spots!

5) Leaving incriminating phone messages telling girls that you are going to “wear them out” might not be in your best interest.

6) There aren’t too many lucrative endorsement deals out there for “Golfer/Horn Dog”.

7) If you just HAVE to screw around, make sure the girls you pick aren’t models/reality stars craving media attention.

8) Issuing a public statement saying “These allegations are totally untrue”, and then issuing a second statement 48 hours later saying “Hey, I fucked up!” makes you look like a douche-cake.

9) Sometimes, when you are being chased in your SUV by a pissed-off white woman with a golf club, trees can kind of sneak up on you. Look out!

10) If you are rich, famous, and just want to bang a lot of chicks, you probably should think twice about getting married in the first place.

And let’s not forget the OTHER great articles that are apparently included in this issue.......

“How to Outsmart your buddies”?

“Load it and Let it Go!”

Seriously, I need to stop now….. they are making it way too damn easy for me.

Michael Jackson Terrorizes Children *

And no, I don’t mean in “that” way…..

I mean in the “Holy Crap I think Michael Jackson just scared the living shit out of my son” way….

Last night, I was playing a computer game with Mini-Me. We recently picked up this cute puzzle game called Plants Vs Zombies. I bought it because, as we all know, zombies are the Shiznit.

PvsZ is this cute game where you build plants in a garden in an effort to try to stop these little cutesy cartoon zombies from walking on your lawn. It’s very addictive, and it’s actually a good problem-solving game for kids. We’ve both been playing it for the better part of a week now.

Anyway, last night we got up to a new level in the game, and one of the cartoon zombies that attacked us was a cute little Michael Jackson/Thriller style zombie. My son had no idea what it was, and when I explained that it was supposed to be MJ, he became curious about it, and wanted to know more about Thriller.

Now, I haven’t seen that video in at least 20 years now. All I really remembered was that the Gloved-One dances around like a pixie, doing a lame-ass choreographed dance for 20 minutes. I figured, that was pretty damn safe for a 7 year old.

So, off to Youtube we went, where I quickly found the video. As it started, I realized that I had COMPLETELY forgotten about the beginning, where MJ is walking his girlfriend through the park, and the full moon starts to rise, and he starts to change.

There is a scene where he sinks under the camera shot, and then POPS back up, now with demon-yellow eyes and fangs.

Well, my friends, it was right at that moment when Mini-Me just about shit his pants with fright.

I really felt bad about it. I totally forgot that that damnable video had a “BOO!” moment in it. Mini-Me went running out of the room, crying his eyes out, screaming for Friz while yelling at me “I’m only seven! Why would you show me that???”

Why, indeed?

So anyway, it was right at that moment that I knew I was going to be completely FUCKED for sleep last night.

And fucked I was.

Mini-Me woke up about every 2 hours last night, yelling for me.

Michael Jackson is in my room….
Michael Jackson is under my bed…
Michael Jackson is in the bathroom…

And on and on…..

I have to admit, having Michael Jackson under my bed would pretty much scare the bejesus out of me too, and that’s even now that he’s dead.

Anyway, I really feel bad about it, but if it’s any consolation, I am completely paying the price for my stupidity this morning. I am dead to the world, and can barely keep my eyes open.

Since I’ve apparently already destroyed his innocence, I might as well go the Full Monte tonight and just make him watch the Evil Dead trilogy.

Hey, the boy’s got to grow up sometime….

* Was the title of this post inappropriate or offensive? Too soon?

Guess, what? I could give a rat’s ass.

Happy Wednesday, all!

Big Brother Is Watching

Hope everyone had a pleasant Turkey Day. Of course, that only applies to us Yanks living here in the good ol’ U.S. For the rest of you foreigners, you have another name for Thanksgiving…… I believe you call it “Thursday”.

Anyway, to the point of this post.

As I’ve said many times, I do 90 percent of my blogging while at work, instead of working. I guess if I were a decent sort, I would balance this by doing 90 percent of my work while I was at home, but somehow that never seems to happen.

Anyway, the Gestapo that I work for run something called Websense on our work computers. Websense is a wonderful bit of software that analyzes any website that a user happens to go to, and determines if it is “work appropriate”. If it ISN’T, then it prevents you from going there. You get nothing, nada, zip. And without even the common damn courtesy of a reach around.

Why am I bringing this up?

Because, it appears that Websense has finally started to catch up with my Blogging.

About 2 weeks ago, it started with Being Brazen. When I tried to read her blog here at work, I was surprised to see the dreaded Websense screen pop up with the pleasant words “The website you are attempting to reach is deemed as a personal blogging site and is prohibited.”

I thought that mighty strange, since I was still able to get to the other 30 or so blogs that I try to read at least once a week.

Then on Wednesday of last week, the hammer REALLY came down.

I now appear to be filtered from about 1/3 of the sites that I used to be able to access without any issues. Goodbye, Dr. Zibbs, Final Girl, and at least 10 others. And just when I thought we were starting to develop a meaningful relationship, too… :(

Anyway, I’m not sure why I have yet to be stopped from reading ALL my blogs, but I have no doubt that within the next few weeks, more and more of you will be blocked from me. Even more disheartening, I fully expect to be blocked even from Slydesblog before long.

So, what does that mean?

Really, not too much. I will just have to tear myself away from playing Left For Dead 2 a few nights a week to get my blogging done. I usually find the time to visit you all no more than once, sometimes twice a week anyway, so hopefully I won’t miss out on what you all have to say too much.

It kinda blows, but I know the world needs me too much to abandon you all. I’m a giver like that.

I just wanted to let you all know that, if I seem to have been coming around your way less than usual lately, that’s probably why.

Unless you happen to be Earl. I don’t go there anymore because his site just plain sucks.

Sometimes, Listening Is Important

Sometimes when I am listening to someone, my mind wanders, and I find myself zoning in and out of the conversation, only half listening to it, even if it's a conversation I should be paying my full attention to.

Case in point:

The following is an actual phone conversation I had with my friend Rose yesterday....

Me: Hey, what's up?

Rose: Nothing good. I had the WORST day yesterday.

Me: Why, what happened?

Rose: While I was driving to work yesterday morning, I had a car accident.

Me: Shit. Are you Ok?

Rose: Yeah, just a little banged up, but I'm basically ok.

Me: What happened?

Rose: Well, like I said, I was driving to work, and I hit some Black guys.

Me: Holy Shit!

Rose: Yeah, it sucks, but I have just a little car damage, so no biggie.

Me: No biggie? Is everyone Ok?

Rose: Yeah, I told you I'm fine.

Me: But what about the others?

Rose: What others? I was alone in the car.

Me: You're being a little cold. How many where there?

Rose: How many of what? What the fuck are you talking about?

Me: What am I talking about? What the fuck are YOU talking about? You just told me you ran over some black guys! How many? Are they hurt?

Rose: You're a jackass. I said that my car hit some BLACK ICE, you fucking idiot... not Black Guys.

Me: Uhhhhh. Oh. Ok.

Rose: You really need to listen better when people are talking to you.

Me: I agree. So, the black guys are ok then?

Rose: -Click-

Ok, my last line was just me being a prick....

P.S. I really hope those black guys are ok.....

Truthful edit: Yeah, I cheated alittle bit today. Long Time readers might remember that this is actually a re-print of a post i put up about 4 years ago. The friend mentioned in this post is going through a rough time right now, and is probably going to have a pretty shitty holiday this year. This re-post is my small way to show her that i'm thinking good thoughts her way this morning.....

Chachi Prefers Rear Entries

A friend passed this on to me last night (and no, it wasnt herpes). Its a Youtube video and i think it's pretty damn funny. Any time someone can make a romantic song about sticking my wee-wee somewhere it doesnt belong, i'm usually on board with it.

Plus, people often say that i look like Scott Baio. I guess i should take that as a compliment, but i can't help but feel like people thinking Scott Baio looks like ME is a much bigger compliment to Scott Baio than it is to me. After all, I became famous from hosting a world-class blog, and being incredibly good-looking. The only reason Chachi is famous is because he used to yell "Sit on it!" to Jenny Piccalo.

What the Hell was i talking about again?

Oh yeah, this video. It's funny. Watch it.

Love In An Elevator

So, I got locked in an elevator last week.

I was at work, and it was towards the end of the day. I was on our basement level, and needed to go back up to the first floor.

Being the sneaky bastard that i am, i never want to wait for the slow-as-fuck regular elevators in my building, so i always hit the call button for the speedy freight elevator. I've been doing this for years.

I probably shouldn't have done it last week.

I knew i was in trouble as soon as the doors closed.

I cant explain it, but they closed..... funny.

Listen, Ive been in this building for 15 years now and one of the ONLY things I've learned in all that time is how the elevators close, and trust me, this time the doors closed funny.

But, not thinking too much of it, i pressed "1".

Nothing.

Then i pressed "1" again. And again. Followed quickly by panicked presses of "2" "3" and "4".

Still nothing.

After a minute or so, i tried to pry open the door to the emergency phone, but it was either stuck, or just wielded shut.

So, i stood there for a minute, thinking about my situation.

It was late in the day, most people had gone home already, i had no cell phone, and no one in the world knew i was down in the basement.

It's amazing how fast your mind can go into panic mode in a situation like that.

Fortunately, my superior intellect took charge, and i remembered that aside from being the hottest hunk ever to walk the planet, i also happen to possess the body of a Greek God.

I wedged my fingers into the door seams and began to pry the doors apart for all they were worth. The doors were indeed heavy mother fuckers, but fortunately for me, my massive biceps are even HEAVIER mother fuckers.

After about 5 minutes, i was able to pry the doors open enough to shimmy myself out.

The scary thing is, for the last minute or so, when i really began to think that i wasn't going to be able to get the doors open, the thing that kept running through my mind was the story shown in the video below.



The video was all over Youtube a few years ago. It shows the true story of one poor schlub who, while working one Friday night in 1999, decided to use the elevator in his building in NYC to go downstairs to take a smoke break. He got stuck and stayed in that elevator for 41 hours, until a security guard let him out Monday morning.

I remember years ago when i watched this surveillance camera video of the ordeal, i got the chills, thinking, "Holy shit, what if that happened to me?". I'm not claustrophobic or anything, but i DO believe that 41 hours in an elevator would have sent me to the loony bin.

Plus, if that had been me, I'm pretty sure the world would now have video footage of me masturbating in an elevator.

p.s. Sorry I've been AWOL for the past week. I took a few days off from work and, as you all know, when I'm not working, I'm not blogging. Sorry, but that's just how it is. I love you all, but not QUITE as much as World of Warcraft.

I'm A Magic Man

So, we survived yet another Mini-Me birthday party this past weekend.

As I mentioned last week, this year we hired a magician.

Unfortunately, he did NOT come dressed as Doug Henning (that would have been aces).

He was dressed all in black, which I guess was to make him look mystical. He actually looked a little like Jimmy Smits.

Anyway, he came in looking all mysterious, and he set up his gadgets, and sound system (apparently magic needs a soundtrack).

All was going ok until his CD started to skip, and he was forced to put on some easy listening music. Nothing kills that Magic-Buzz like hearing a skipping CD while the magician pretends for the first 30 seconds like he planned it that way.

After the sound malfunction, things seemed to once more be on track. The 20 young-uns in attendance seemed right-pleased with the parade of magic knots, and color-changing handkerchiefs that they were awash with for the next 20 minutes or so.

It was all going pretty well, actually….

…until he tried to set my house on fire.

At one point in the show, I see the dude take out a squeeze bottle of lighter fluid. At first, I thought it was mustard. I thought, “Hey, maybe he wants to make a sandwich”.

Then he pulled out two burnt-looking batons, and my genius-level intellect started to put two and two together.

He proceeded to spray lighter fluid on the batons, then quickly set them ablaze.

Then he started to juggle them and throw them really high in the air.

The dude was in my fucking LIVING ROOM!!

Some of the flames were literally licking my ceiling, as he continued to throw them around with seemingly juvenile glee.

I was about to put down my video camera and calmly instruct him in front of the little ones to “X-NAY on the UCKING-FAY IRE-FAY!”, but before I could, Mini-Me, who is deathly afraid of loud noises, started yelling “Stop it! You’re gonna set off our fire alarm!”

He got the hint.

After his pyromancer act, he managed to get back on track and do some pretty impressive tricks. Then he closed off his set by producing two rabbits and some doves.

The kiddies ate it all up, and to top things off, not one of them (the animals OR kids) shit on the floor.

If I can BEAR to view it again, I may have to put the whole arson-filled episode up on Youtube and link it for ya’ll to enjoy.

In the end, all that matters is that Mini-Me was on cloud 9, and felt like King Shit for the day.

All in all, a good day indeed.

Slyde’s Pet Peeve # 7 – The Pop-In

Oooooooh, I am primed and ready to BLOW over this one, folks.

I cannot fucking STAND it when people just assume they can ring my bell unannounced to just stop in and say “Hi!”

It drives me fucking batty, and right now I am suffering from a chronic offender.

My son plays with this little girl around the block from us. Let’s call her “Lulu”. I don’t know WHY the Hell I’m using a fake name… it’s not like Little Lulu is ever going to come here and read this shit, but whatever.

Lulu’s parents (Mr. Lulu and Mrs. Lulu) are nice enough people. A little weird for my tastes, but nice enough. The kids go to school together, had T-ball together, and enjoy each other’s company enough that I am routinely thrown into the presence of the Lulu clan.

Anyway, sometime over the summer, I began to notice a disturbing trend. Anytime that the Lulu’s would walk past my home, they would feel the need to stop, ring the bell, and say “Hi”. They would do this every time they walked past the house.

Every. Fucking. Time.

Towards the end of the Summer, it was happening 2-3 times a week.

11am on a Sunday morning. 8 o’clock at night. Dinner time. It really didn’t seem to make any fucking difference to the Lulu’s. If they saw my house, they felt a pop-in was warranted.

It used to drive me FUCKING livid!

It had gotten so bad that I finally wanted to tell them off, but Friz held me back, not wanting me to make a scene, since our kids were good friends, and the Lulu’s are basically decent enough folk.

But c’mon, people! Get a fucking clue! If you ring my bell, and ask me “Hey, what’s going on?”, and I reply “We’ll, we’re actually having dinner”, shouldn’t you have the fucking COMMON SENSE to say “Oh, I’m sorry. Enjoy your dinner, we’ll come back another time”.

No, not the Lulu’s. I can’t even count the number of summer nights where I was forced to sit on the porch for 15 minutes, bullshitting with these people about ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING, while my dinner was getting cold.

Near the end of the summer, they must have FINALLY gotten the hint that I wasn’t enjoying their company. The pop-ins started to drop off dramatically, finally ending completely around Labor Day.

Until this week.

After severing pretty much ALL ties with them, we were FORCED to get together with the Lulu’s this past weekend, when the kids decided that they all wanted to Trick or Treat together this year (Little Lulu is actually present in the pictures in my last post).

It went uneventfully enough. The kids had a good time, and I kept the small talk to a minimum, lest these people would once again think that I wanted to be their buddy.

Hey, guess what the Lulu’s did to me the next day, ON SUNDAY FUCKING MORNING?

If you DIDN’T guess “They rang my doorbell for another fucking pop-in”, then you are pretty stupid, because that’s exactly what they fucking did.

So, now I feel like I’m back to square one with the Lulu’s.

I swear that if the Perfect Storm of Pop-ins begins anew, I will seriously break someone’s damn arm.

Do oblivious neighbors do this kind of shit to anyone else?

A Busy Weekend Indeed

As the title suggests, this was certainly a jam-packed weekend.

Saturday, of course, was Halloween. Mini-Me, following in his daddy’s darker tendencies, decided to be the “scariest” thing he could come up with.

What he came up with, was the Zombie Doctor.


I had a lot of time to think about it this weekend, and I’m still not clear on what exactly a Zombie Doctor is.

Is it a doctor that was once human, but has been bitten by the undead and now has been transformed into a zombie, forever cursed with having to prowl the night looking for brains, dressed up like an extra from General Hospital?

Or, is he a zombie who, being the philanthropic sort, decided to devote his life to the treatment and betterment of his fellow undead, slaving away for years at zombie medical school until he earned his degree to practice medicine?

Alas, we may never know.

Also important to note from the picture above.... somehow, I CONTINUE to be as hot as ever. How do I do it?


In this picture we once again have Zombie Houser, MD, along with the catlike Friz, who also decided to dress up this year. Note the bloody knife Mini-Me is carrying. Apparently not “scary” enough, he demanded I buy him the bloody knife. It’s encased in plastic, and when you tip it upside down, blood drips down the blade.

Where were these cool fake weapons of dismemberment when I was a kid?


Here is Mini-Me with his posse. Note that the group is almost all female. Chip off the ol’ block, that one is.

To continue the celebratory weekend, on Sunday Mini-Me turned 7. He FLIPPED over his Zhu-Zhu gift (have I mentioned to you today that you rock, Shania?), and generally had a great day.

Not to be outdone, NEXT weekend we are having 20 kids over for his REAL birthday party. We hired a magician, and between HIM and 20 crazy kids running all around my house, I fully expect to be in need of some form of inebriation by noon or so. I will take pictures, I promise.

So, how was YOUR Halloween?

Sometimes, People Are Awesome

Do you remember a few weeks ago when I told you all about my frustration in trying to get Mini-Me any more pieces to his latest Must-Have toy, “Zhu Zhu Pets”?

Of course you do. You all hang on every word I say.

Well, when I put out a plea to you all to see if anyone out there in the cyberverse could find any of these rascally toys for me, I really didn’t expect any of you to actually take me up on it.

Leave it to you guys to prove me wrong.

For yesterday what should I spy, with my little eye, upon my front stoop but a lovely package, all boxed up in birthday decorations?

Inside, is this…



This INSANELY thoughtful gift was sent to me by that sexy little minx Shania, who's avatar is the one listed above, from Craving Silence.

Can you believe that? How unbelievably nice does someone have to be, to go out of their way to do something so wonderful for a complete and utter stranger? It really blows my mind, and quite frankly, humbles me.

Mini-Me’s birthday is this Sunday, and he is going to absolutely flip. I quickly hid the package when it came, so he has NO clue that come this Sunday he will be in Zhu-Zhu heaven.

Shania, you are a real gem. Please let this shout-out to your awesomeness serve as just a fraction of the amount of cyber love I am sending your way right now.

Seriously, girl. I owe you. Much thanks.

Maybe next week I’ll have mini-me tape his own personal thank you, and I’ll post it here.

I fully realize that such personal messages to just ONE of my millions of readers may bore the rest of you, but screw ya!. When YOU start sending me gifts in the mail, then I’ll start sending some love YOUR way too!

I’m sick of being the only giver in this relationship, yo.

It’s The Great Pumpkin

Unless you are new here, you KNOW that my most favorite holiday is Halloween.

And if you know THAT, then of course you remember that since I was a little wee Slyde, I have always carved a pumpkin for the occasion.

Now that Mini-Me is in my life, he now calls the shots on what we will carve each year.

About a week before Halloween, I will ask him what kind of pumpkin he wants to have that year. Based on what he picks, I usually sketch out about a dozen different styles, and I let him pick one, then I get to work.

This year, his royal majesty requested “A Bloody Handprint”.

So, off to work I went.




I was all set to cut some drips running down the hand so it looked bloody, but when I got to this part, Mini-Me put up his hands and said, “Stop daddy! I like it like this”.

Overall, it was one of the simpler ones I’ve done. I think it came out pretty cool. It’s definitely different.

So, what kinds of stuff did you guys carve this year?

Unforgettable

My fragile ego just can’t handle Facebook.

First, I need to back up a bit to tell this story.

When I was in high school, there was this girl who I used to see around. Let’s call her “Mary”. Mary was a year younger than me, and hung out with a different crowd.

She had a rep for being a ‘bad’ girl. She hung out with the derelicts of the school. I, on the other hand, hung out with those studs in the Drama club. As you might guess, we never really spoke to each other. Aside from noticing her and her KILLER body strutting through the halls, I didn’t even know her name, and I didn’t think she even knew WHO the Hell I was.

Cut to my senior year in high school, when fate put Mary and I in the same gym class (which is about the only class we COULD ever take together. Rumor had it she was on the verge of dropping out of school, while I was an Honor Class stud).

Anyway, it was getting near to the end of the school year, and the end of my time in high school. As I’m sure you all remember, that is a time when everyone has their school yearbook in hand, getting old friends to write a few words down to remember them by. Gym class was a prime time for writing in yearbooks.

One day, in one my the last weeks of school, while I was in gym class getting people to sign my yearbook, who should walk up to me out of the blue but Mary. She looked at me and said, “Slyde, it’s a shame to see you go. I wish we had stayed better friends.”

Huh? I was pretty sure I had never so much as spoken to this chick my entire life.

When I asked her what she was talking about, she floored me by telling me an AMAZING story.

Apparently, when we were both little tykes in grade school, we were pretty good friends. I would flirt with her all the time, pulling her pigtails and whatnot. Being a year older than her, I went off to Junior high and left her to endure another year at our grade school.

She said that missed me terribly, and was very excited when the next year rolled around so we could be together in school again. She said she saw walking down the hall on her first day of Junior High and ran up to me to say “Hi”.

She said I looked at her like she was an alien and said “Who the heck are you?”, and kept walking.

Years later, I sat open-mouthed on the bleachers as this girl told me this story. She said that she had been CRUSHED for the way I treated her, and had went home crying that day. It upset her for WEEKS afterward.

I have NO FUCKING recollection of this girl when we were kids. None. I don’t remember her as a kid, and I sure as shit don’t remember ever talking to her before that point.

Anyway, that day, she signed my yearbook with a very heartfelt message, and then we talked. And talked. Then we talked some more. We exchanged phone numbers and spoke to each other that night. And for the next 3 months, before I went off to college, we spoke often, and even went out together a few times.

Over the years, I have thought about her often.

So, imagine my surprise when I logged on to Facebook this week, and upon clicking on the “People You May Know” link, happened upon who else but Mary!

Very excited to be get the chance to speak with her again, 20 years later, I quickly “friended” her and added the message “My god, can you believe it’s been so long? Isn’t Facebook great?”

I was NOT at all ready for the message I got back from her.

“Sorry, who are you again? I’m sorry but I just don’t remember you”

Her? Not remember ME?

At first, I thought she was making a joke (or getting me back for the way I had treated HER all those years ago), but upon further emails with her, I have determined that she is either ready to take this joke with her to her grave, or…….

… or she REALLY doesn’t remember me.

How the HOLY FUCK is that possible?

I have photo-quality-like recollections of every chick who I have ever gone out with, even if it was just a one night stand! I had broken this little minx’s heart 20 years ago, for God sakes! And she doesn’t remember any of it?

As I said, my ego is having a hard time wrapping its head around someone ever forgetting dating ME. Can you imagine?

I’ve Been Naughty

No, not THAT kind of naughty.

I’ve just been very preoccupied with some things since last week, so I haven’t had time to visit ANY of your awesome blogs.

I just checked in my feed reader, and there was a LOT of posts to be read. A LOT.

I can’t read them all.

So, what to do?

I think I’m going to just pretend that the last week didn’t happen, delete them all, and call a re-do to the whole damn thing.

Please don’t hate me for that. I feel like ass doing it, but there’s just no way I can ever hope to keep up at this point. I promise to make it up to each and every one of you with some deep, wet, sloppy kisses at the earliest opportunity, ok?

Anyway, what I have I been up to?

- Saturday I took Mini-Me to see Where The Wild Things Are in IMAX. He freaking loved it. However, the prices for IMAX are ridiculous. $29 for 1 adult and 1 child? That is highway robbery!

- Speaking of Mini-Me, he is currently enthralled in the Bakugan craze. He wants to play it with me CONSTANTLY. But since he cant really read the cards yet, we mostly just shoot Bakugan at each other until he makes up a rule that lets him win. I don't think thats very fair.

- I finally managed to stop looking at my pretty face in the mirror long enough to finally begin a project that I have been wanting to do (and dreading) for about 20 years now. Namely, cataloging my old comic book collection on a computer so I can figure out FINALLY how much it’s worth. Honestly, this is where almost ALL of my spare blog-reading time has been going. Right now I am about 1/6 of the way through it all, and my collection is standing proudly at $6,000! Is that insane, or what? How I managed to collect all these books as a kid, AND still be the biggest chick magnet ever to walk the earth, really is beyond me.

Women Are Frustrating

Why do you chicks NEVER admit when you do something wrong? Why is it more fun to just string people along, letting me play Sherlock Holmes to PROVE you are wrong before you fess up?

Exhibit A (last night)

I was using Outlook on my computer to check my emails, then I went downstairs for a bit. Then I saw Friz going into the office to use the computer. When I asked her what she was doing, she said that she was going to use the computer to pay some bills.

I returned to my computer about 10 minutes later. Friz was gone. When I attempted to open up Outlook again, it informed me that my password is no longer valid.

What the hell?

Clearly, Friz did “something”.

So, I went downstairs to talk with her about it.

“What did you do on the computer?”

“What do you mean? I didn’t do anything”

“Of course you did. I saw you using it”

“Yeah, I paid our cable bill”

“You had to have done something else. Did you change our password?”

“No! Why would I do that?”

“I have no idea, but SOMEONE just did!”

“Well, I don’t know why you always blame me for these things. I didn’t do it”

“Just tell me everything you did”

“I told you, I just paid our bill. I don’t know WHY you can’t log in to the email anymore”

“You have NO idea?”

“None”

“Ok, after you paid the bill, did you do anything else?”

“---------------“

“Hello?”

“Why don’t go upstairs and try to log in using the password “Simbah”” (that’s our cat’s name)

“Why the Hell would I try Simbah? That’s not my password!”

“Just try it”

“Why? What the Hell did you do?”

“Well, I was trying to update our voicemail message, and they asked me to change the password, but all I did was try to change the password for voicemail, not email. And anyway, it didn’t work.”

“WHY FOR FUCK’S SAKE WOULDN’T YOU TELL ME THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE? YOU SAID YOU DID NOTHING! CHANGING A PASSWORD IS NOT NOTHING!!!”

“Why are you yelling like an idiot?”

“Because I just got the runaround for 15 minutes, with you telling me you did “nothing”, when in fact you did the exact fucking OPPOSITE of “nothing”! You OBVIOUSLY changed the WRONG password!”

“Maybe I did. Sorry”

“Sorry? That’s it? Why did you put me through all this?”

“I don’t know, jackass. Why don’t you go and pay your OWN bills?”

Because, you know, WHO pays the bills is the whole fucking point of not giving me all the information up front, so I am forced to sleuth around like fucking COLUMBO until I ask the right interrogation questions to get the answer I need!

You know, if you chicks weren’t all soft and curvy and smelled so nice, I’d swear off the lot of you forever……

Paranormal Activity - Take 2

I DID end up going to see Paranormal Activity on Sunday.

It really WAS good and creepy.

The film centers on a young, engaged couple who are living together. The movie begins shortly after Katie has told her fiance Micah that, when she was a child, she believes she used to be visited at night by a ghost. As she got older, what she thought of as her ghostly visitations had ceased, but have recently begun again. Small things, like keys being moved or strange noises, seem to be happening to her on a nightly basis.

Not really buying into the story but wanting to try to help, Micah goes out and buys a night vision camcorder, and sets it up in their bedroom to film anything that might happen while they are sleeping at night.

This is pretty much where the movie begins.

The movie is filmed in the documentary, "Blair Witch" style, so if those kinds of movies with herky-jerky shaking cameras make you dizzy, stay clear of this one.

It was a strange film for me, mostly because of its unevenness. The daytime scenes, where the couple tries to process what is happening to them, i found to be mostly tedious and repetitive. This is made worse by the fact that while i thought the female lead was outstanding (and sexy as hell), i wanted to stab the male lead repeatedly in the head with a Philips screwdriver.

However, the scenes at night, where the scared couple try to get through encounter after encounter with whatever seems to be after them, are TRULY creepy and well-done. And just when i started to feel that the nighttime scenes were getting repetitive, they kicked it up a notch and it got even scarier and creepier.

The "scary"-meter keeps ramping up, night after night, until the final night, where a good number of people in the theatre jumped right out of their seats. The last half hour ABSOLUTELY validated this movie for me.

If you want to be scared, and creeped out, you need to go check this one out. I may even go back this weekend to take Friz. This movie will scare the living Hell out of her.

p.s. Fun movie facts:
- As i said in my last post, this movie was made independently, and for only $15,000.

- Right now it is only been shown in 150 theatres, and it STILL managed to break the top 10 films for this weekend in North America.

- On a "per showing" basis, it STOMPED the amount of money per showing that this weekend's #1 movie, "Couples Retreat" made. Clearly, the buzz on this film is starting to really gear up. A worldwide release at this point seems inevitable.

Paranormal Activity

Has anybody out there heard about this yet?

Paranormal Activity is a small, independent horror movie that was filmed in 2007.

It’s pretty much just been playing in small theatres around the mid-west for a few months now. Each time it has been screened, it gets incredible buzz for being a really scary horror movie.

The production company that owns it could not get it distributed world-wide like a typical big-budget movie from a major distributor, so they have been taking a very unique approach to getting their film out there to the public.

Basically, based on advanced buzz, places all over the country have been “petitioning” to get a local screening in their area. Once they get enough requests, then they attempt to obtain a theatre to show the movie.

And their strategy has been working. With pretty much every showing, the buzz and hype for this film has continued to grow and spread. It pretty much seems inevitiable at this point that this movie will get a worldwide distribution schedule very soon (before Halloween if they are smart).

Anyway, I got news that it will be playing here on Long Island this weekend. I am chomping at the bit to go, perhaps Sunday. I already asked my hetero life-partner Earl to accompany me, but he gave me the lame excuse that he has to cook sauerbraten that day.

What the fuck kind of excuse is that? At the very least you could give me a “normal” excuse , like that you have to stay home and wash your hair, or that your boyfriend is coming over. Who the hell’s thigh am I supposed to feel up as the trailers come up NOW?

Anyway, if I can make it, I’m going. Its being called the new Blair Witch (which alot of people rag on, but i thought was brilliant in its creepyness).

Anyone else seen it yet?

Zombieland is Zombi-Tastic!

Ok, I need to push that last post slightly further down the page so it’s not in my damn face every time I come here.

So, I might as well talk about how I took my sexy ass to the movies to see Zombieland this past weekend.

I loved it.

If you aren’t new here, then you no doubt remember that I LOVES me some zombies.

Seriously, I’m pretty obsessed with our breathing-impaired brethren.

I watch zombie movies. I play zombie video games. I read books about zombies taking over the world. I play board games where I get to pretend to be a zombie. I even have zombie feetie pajamas.

One of the above statements was NOT true. Guess which one.

Anyway, Zombieland will no doubt inevitably get compared to the other great, recent zombie comedy, Shaun of the Dead. If I had to put the 2 films up against each other, I would have to give the nod to Shaun being the better film of the two.

My reasons? Although Zombieland starts out very cool, funny, and slick (the opening credits were outstanding), I felt that the film kind of loses its way, and that sharp style kind of drops off in the second half. It’s still a good movie throughout, but I feel that Shaun of the Dead kept itself consistent, whereas Zombieland felt more uneven. Hence, my tip of the hat to Shaun being the better film.

But there is a lot to like about Zombieland. It made me laugh on many occasions, and I do believe that this is the first ever film where I thought Woody Harrelson was cool. He played a great character, and he is reportedly already chomping at the bit, begging the director to fast track a sequel.

I hope it happens.

One

One year ago today, I found you, sleeping.

One year ago today, I could not wake you up.

One year ago today, I sat on a cold kitchen floor, holding your hand for hours, until they took you from me.

One year without the closest friend I will ever have.

Everyone says it gets easier. Some days, that's true.

It's NOT true today.

I hope you liked the flowers I planted at your grave this morning. Your great-grandson picked them out especially for you. He said that he knew you would like them. Was he right?

I didn't MAKE him come with me today. He ASKED to come. Can you believe how much he's grown in just one year? He misses you too. He keeps a picture of you on his nightstand. He's such a good boy. He does well in school, and has a big heart. You would be proud.

I try to teach him and raise him, as you did to me. I fear that I am not as good as you were at this task. I try to be like you. I try.

I wish I knew what to do to make the simple act of just "remembering" you not hurt so much.

I had thought the answer was "time", but I was wrong.

You had such a hard life, and at the end of it, you died alone.

I am so sorry that when you needed me most, I was not there for you like you were ALWAYS there for me.

I work at making you proud of me, everyday.

Always in my heart.

Always.

Television Is Exhausting

I really don’t have much I feel like writing about today. I tried and tried to think of something, but I keep coming up blank.

It’s not unusual for someone with my kind of killer good looks to be totally devoid of any brainpower, but I seem to be blessed with both, so this morning’s lack of ideas is especially odd and troublesome.

Anyway, I could easily coast by on today’s post by just putting up a picture of myself to tide you all over, but I figured I’ll just save THAT treat for another day, and talk about the new Fall TV lineup.

I PROMISED myself I was not going to watch any new shows this year. I watch too much shit as it is, so I decided to cut myself off. So far, I’m happy to report that I have been 100 percent successful in my efforts.

Anyway, here is my current TV Schedule:

Sunday
Amazing Race – Have I really been watching this show for 15 seasons now? Anyway, from the cute poker-player girls, to the Harlem Globtrotter team, to the kid with Asperger’s Syndrome, this looks like another season that I will enjoy.

Dexter – America’s best serial killer is back! I just love this show.

Californication – It definitely lost its edge after the first season, but it’s still the best place to go if you are looking to see hot chicks with no clothes on, and David Duchoveny’s ass.

Curb Your Enthusiasm – Still one of the funniest shows on TV. This year’s season promises the reunion (sort of) of the Seinfeld cast.

Monday
Nothing. It’s very refreshing.

Tuesday
More nothing, although Nip/Tuck’s final season will be starting up soon.

Wednesday
Real World/ Road Rules Challenge – My one real guilty embarrassment. I cannot stop watching this show. Tons of young people running around drinking, screwing, and beating the shit of out each other. Seriously. Last night was the season premier and already there were 2 fights, and next week it looks like someone cannonballs into a lake and pops one of her implants. I’m in.

Thursday
Survivor – Yes, I still love this show, and NO, they have not yet liked my audition tapes enough to get me on it yet. One day.

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia – Just gets more and more crazy and more and more hysterical every damn season.

Friday
Dollhouse – I have high hopes for this second season, even though the ratings for last week’s second season premier were in the freaking basement.

Real Time With Bill Maher – One of the few shows I watch that I’m not embarrassed by.

Saturday
Saturday Night Live – This is SNL’s 35th season, and I have only missed a handful of episodes ever. That is a frightening statistic.

And that’s it.

That’s not TOO much television, is it? Please say no.

General Hospital Is The Devil

Mini-Me has had a cold this week, and whenever he is sick, he likes to sleep in the same bed as Friz. They have kind of a mini-campout, and it makes him feel better.

Our bed is big (king-size) but it’s not big enough for ME when he’s sleeping there, given that he tosses and turns so much that I will often wake up with a foot in my face, so on these “mini-campout” nights, I usually just go sleep in our guest room.

So, last night when it was time for bed, I gave my little one a kiss, and then I proceeded to give Friz a goodnight smooch.

Imagine my surprise when, as I am doling out one of my sweet, sexy, sought-after, kisses, my son starts chanting…..

“Now Get Naked and Kiss!”

“Get Naked and Kiss!”

“Get Naked and Kiss!”

Immediately, my FIRST thought is, “What the HELL has this kid seen?” I’d like to think we are usually pretty good about keeping that stuff nice and private-like.

So, trying to regain my composure, I asked him, “Where the heck did you get THAT from?”

His answer?

“GENERAL HOSPITAL”!!!!!!!!!!!

Apparently, he was watching GH with Friz the other night, when two characters started rolling around in bed and kissing with no clothes on.

So NOW, because of that ass-hat of a show, I’ve gotta deal with this shit at 11pm at night.

At least I’ll get to hold this over on Friz for a while. She CONSTANTLY gives me crap for letting Mini-Me watch some of my horror movies with me. Meanwhile, it’s this soap-opera shit that REALLY turns kids into degenerates…..

I mean, I grew up watching horror movies with my dad, and look how fucking normal and well-adjusted I turned out…..

Of Dreams Unfinished

Does anyone else out there have the problem where they never get to actually FINISH anything that is happens to them in their dreams?

I’ve spoken before about how I NO LONGER HAVE NIGHTMARES, but this is different.

No matter WHAT I’m dreaming about, I NEVER, EVER, EVER get to see the dreams’ original intention realized. I honestly don’t think I can ever remember ‘finishing’ a dream.

Last night was a perfect example:

I was having a dream where an old girlfriend had come over to visit me. We were sitting on the couch and we started to make out.

Then, the dream steers away from the obvious conclusion from where it was going. She proceeds to tell me that she visited me because there is something she desperately needs to tell me.

I keep trying to get her to go back to the sexing, but she refuses to do so until she tells me what she has to say. So, she starts going in to this long story (which I’m honestly having trouble remembering now…I forget a lot about my dreams after I wake up), but I do remember that it was a GOOD story and I wanted to hear the end of it.

Then, suddenly, some friends of mine show up, wanting to watch a movie with me. I keep trying to get them to leave, SO she can finish her story, SO I can have some sexytime, but they won’t take “no” for an answer.

We all sat down to watch the movie. I remember thinking the movie was awesome, but halfway through it, the phone rang and I had to pause the DVD to answer it.

I don’t remember who was on the phone, but I DO remember just trying to get them to tell me whatever they had to tell me, SO I could go back to finishing the movie, SO I could get this chick to finish her story, SO I could have her molest my bathing-suit area.

Seeing a pattern here?

It’s even WORSE when it comes to sex dreams (which I guess this one ‘kinda’ was). I just can NEVER seal the deal. I always hear stories of people who have these wild sex dreams, and it just doesn’t happen to me. I have a lot of “beginning sex” dreams, but just as its getting good, the girl will tell me to ‘run to the kitchen and get me a drink first’. No sooner do I get to the kitchen, when a tiger will break into the house and first I have to get rid of it, before I get the drink, before I can find the girl.

You get the idea. Same pattern again.

And it happens EVERY TIME I dream. It’s really quite maddening to not being able to see ANY kind of dream to fruition.

I’m sure it tells something quite revealing about my psyche that I am unable to complete anything in any of my dreams, but I just can’t analyze myself to figure out what the Hell it is.

I’m sure that little minx Mrs Hall will have something to say on this, but what say the rest of you? What the Hell is up with me?

I’m in Zhu Zhu Hell!

I can’t be the ONLY parent out there who is pulling their hair out trying to get these damn things, am I?

Let me back up a bit.

About a month ago, Mini-Me called me over to the TV to show me a commercial for this new toy, called Zhu Zhu Pets.

They are these little battery controlled hamsters that have small sensors on them that tell them what part of the habitrail they are currently in. So, for instance, they know to make car sounds when they are driving in their little car. That kind of thing.

From the first time my son saw these little fuckers, he was hooked. He PLEADED with me to get them.

So, being the most awesomest dad in the world, I set out to put a smile on his face.

Easier said than done.

In case you haven’t seen, these things have become THE hottest toy on the planet. Stores are selling out in literally SECONDS after opening, and Amazon and Ebay prices are DISGUSTING right now, as asshats all over the country buy out whatever they can find, and then mark up the damn things by about 500%.

Seriously. The hamsters alone sell for $7.99 a piece at Toys R Us. Right now the CHEAPEST Amazon is selling them for is $20.00. Some real humanitarians are charging as much as $50.

But I, being SUPER-DAD, have not been daunted. Never being one to back down from a challenge, I have actually been going to local Toys R Us’s before they open, and waiting outside.

It’s usually just me and about 10 other housewives, which is nice since, I’m pretty sure in a fist fight I can take 2 or 3 of them at once.

Anyway, it’s been a rough few weeks, but I am actually making progress. I have been able to get almost all of the tracks, and 2 of the hamsters. My son is in absolute Zhu-Zhu heaven, playing with them every night and being the envy of all his friends who clearly don’t have dads nearly HALF as fucking cool (or hot) as me.

Anyway, most people seem to think that Zhu Zhu pets will be THE impossible-to-get toy this Christmas, and I’d just as soon finish getting the entire set now before these get even HARDER to find.

I don’t normally do stuff like this, but if anyone out there can find me either the big blue ramp accessory, the Hamster Ball, Mr Squiggles, or Chunk, I will fly to your house, reimburse you for the items, and then have mind-blowing sex with you. I Promise.

The above offer is only redeemable if you’re a chick. Offer not good in Idaho, or parts of the country where people are inbred.

Sigh.

Oh Hell, I’m desperate. Let’s compromise, shall we? If you’re a guy, I’ll blow you. Is that fair?

But just this one time, ok?

(Seriously, if you find them for me, I will gladly pay you for your trouble. You will also have my undying thanks. That’s gotta be worth SOMETHING, right?)

Ernie Likes Chickens

Ok, this happened last night, but since it's already burning up the interwebs, i figured i might as well put it up before most of you have seen it already.

Ernie Enastas, who has been a staple of New York City Newscasting for as long as i can remember, really stepped into a big pile of poo last night during the nightly live newscast.

During a seemingly innocuous segment where they are discussing different ways to cook a chicken, Good ol' Ernie attempts to josh around with the other dude, and TRIES to tell him "You keep plucking that chicken!"

Emphasis on "Tries".

My 2 favorite parts of this video?

1) After Ernie makes his colossal blunder, the dude on the right just smiles and says "OK!".

"OK"????

You know the dude was sitting there thinking, "Shit, did Ernie just tell me to go fuck a chicken? No, SURELY i MUST have heard that wrong. What do i do? I know! I'll just say 'OK' and play it off!"

2) The look on the chick to the left is PRICELESS! After Ernie tells the dude to keep fucking the chicken, her eyes pop out of her head like that little shrunken dude in Beetle Juice.

Seriously, i could watch this all day.

Happy Friday, all.


Keep Plucking that Chicken News Fail - Watch more Funny Videos

The Doody Protocol

I got together with some old friends the other night, and as we usually do, the alcohol started flowing, and some old stories started flowing as well.

One of the things that my friends always bust me on, is my psychotic temper. The problem with me is not that I have a “bad” temper exactly. It’s just that I have no “middle ground”. I am a notoriously meek pushover, until I have been pushed to a certain point, and then I go all “Wolverine Berserker” at the drop of a hat. It’s true. If “Anger” has a scale from 1 to 10, MY internal anger management skills would keep me at 1 for a looong time, and then instantly skyrocket to 50. Maybe it’s just my hot Sicilian blood.

Anyway, I hadn’t thought about this story in years, but to a select few, this tale will be known till the end of time, as The Doody Protocol.

A few years back, a good friend of mine asked me to spend the week with him out on Block Island, on his father’s luxury sailboat.

His dad had his boat moored near his home out in Brooklyn and he was sailing it up to Block Island to spend some time there. He said we could take the Montauk Ferry out to Rhode Island to meet him there. He would then take a car home so we could have the boat to ourselves.

What 20-something WOULDN’T jump at that opportunity?

Anyway, when we got there, we discovered that the boat was docked out in the ocean. We had to TAKE a boat to GET to the boat!

The boat was STUNNING. It was a dead ringer for the one in DEAD CALM and the whole scene reminded me of that film (except that I’m much better looking than Billy Zane, and my friend was NO Nicole Kidman).

Anyway, as we were settling in to our new nautical home, I started exploring the ship.

When I happened upon the bathroom, I walked in and was surprised to discover a BIG sign affixed on the wall over the toilet:

“Do NOT attempt to flush paper of ANY kind in this toilet. Thanks!”

I left the bathroom, puzzled, and searched out my friend.

“Hey, I just checked out the bathroom”

“Yeah, pretty cool boat, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, but I gotta ask… what’s with the sign?”

“What sign?”

“The sign that says, don’t throw any kind of paper into the toilet”

“Oh yeah. Well, the boat operates on a bilge pump for the toilet, and it’s not strong enough to flush paper products”.

“ANY kind of paper?”

“Yeah, anything.”

At this point, I stood there waiting for him to realize what exactly had me so puzzled. He still wasn’t getting it.

“Ok, but what do we have to do if we need to go to the bathroom?”

“Oh, that’s fine”

“How can it be fine? You just said we can’t put paper of any kind in the toilet”

“Yeah, we really shouldn’t.”

“OOOOH-Kay, then how the Hell do we go to the bathroom?”

“What do you mean? You just go”

“But I can’t put any paper down the toilet”

“Right”

I was getting frustrated. “You really don’t see what I’m getting at here?”

“Not really, no.”

“How do I … take care of all my bathroom ‘needs’, if I cant put paper down the toilet?”

“I told you, NO paper down the toilet. You’ll clog the whole fucking thing.”

“I KNOW. You keep saying that, but you aren’t explaining what I need to do if I have to go to the bathroom on this piece of shit boat”

“What is your problem? If you have to go to the bathroom, just go! Why are you being a such dick about it?”

And there, ladies and gentlemen, was where I hit my famous boiling point.

I jumped up, ready to kill someone. I grabbed him by the shirt, threw him up against the wall, and screamed into his face….

“FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WILL YOU JUST FUCKING TELL ME WHAT IS THE FUCKING DOODY PROTOCOL ON THIS FUCKING BOAT?”

“Oh, that. Toilet paper is ok”

Then we just looked at each other and broke into 20 minutes of hysterics.

But that’s how it is (or at least, should be), with old, good friends.

Anyway, over the years the story has been told so many times, by so many different people, I’m surprised the Lifetime channel hasn’t optioned it for a movie yet.

I’m not sure what part Melissa Gilbert would play, but she’s ALWAYS in those fucking things.

Screw You, FedEx!

Have you ever ordered something that you wanted to arrive at your house SO freaking badly that you didn’t know how you are ever going to survive until it gets to you?

Well, that’s “ME” pretty much every time I order ANYTHING.

What can I say? In terms of being patient and reserved when it comes to buying nifty gadgets, I have the intellectual maturity of a 10 year old.

And I’m fine with that. Really.

EXCEPT, when I’m not.

Case in point: Last week I finally decided to chuck my old Tivo, and get myself a brand-spankin’ new 1080p Super High Definition DVR before the new season of TV starts next week.

By Saturday morning, even though I only ordered the unit (hehe.. I said ‘unit’) TWO days prior, I just HAD to call the company and ask them why my package (wee, I said ‘package’) hasn’t arrived yet. Wow, 2 penis references in 1 paragraph! I want you all to know that I sat here for 10 minutes trying to cram another one here, but I came up empty (yay, I said ‘came’. Mission accomplished!).

Anyway, they told me that their shipments always take 5-7 days, and I shouldn’t expect my DVR until next Wednesday at the earliest.

So, it was with a heavy heart that I finally resigned myself to having to wait for my new techno-bling, and took Mini-Me to McDonalds for lunch.

We were gone about 40 minutes.

Imagine then, my utter shock when we came home to find a little FedEx sticky-note on my door saying, “Sorry we missed you! The package we were trying to deliver is ‘Signature Required’. We’ll try another time! Bite me!” (Ok, maybe it didn’t say bite me, but it was sure as Hell “implied”).

So, I quickly called the number on the note, thinking that the truck can’t be more than 10 minutes from my house, and I could still get my hands on my new toy.

“Hello, Fedex. How can I help you?”

“Hi, I just missed your truck, and I’m expecting a very important package (she did NOT laugh when I said package… bitch!). Can they drop it off?”

“I’m sorry sir, we can’t do that”

“Ok then, can I drive by the warehouse tonight and pick it up?”

“Sorry sir, we don’t do same-day pickups. We can try dropping it off again on Tuesday”

“No, I have this thing called a ‘job'. I work Tuesday. Can I grab it tomorrow?”

“We are closed on Sunday”

“Ok, Monday then?”

“We’re closed Monday too”

“You have GOT to be kidding me! When the Hell can I get this thing?”

“We can probably get it to the warehouse by Wednesday”

So, in the end, the dude I first talked to was right: I am NOT going to be getting my new DVR before Wednesday, but it’s solely because FEDEX IS FUCKING INCOMPETANT!!!!

The final insult came as I was hanging up, when the cheerful bitch told me that I had better CALL THEM Wednesday morning to make sure it got to the warehouse, before I head out there.

Because, it might be asking a lot from them to drive my package sometime in the next 5 days to a warehouse that is 10 DAMN MINUTES AWAY FROM MY HOUSE!

Seriously…. I could hold my fucking breath and almost make it there before I pass out!

Thanks for nuthin’, FedEx.

The Yellow Menace

I’m a big fan of watching “uncomfortable” moments.

I don’t mean “sex in the back of a Volkswagen” uncomfortable (although I’d happily watch that too!), I mean that I enjoy watching cringe-worthy moments.

I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s as simple as just being really fucking happy that it’s not ME.

Anyway, I heard about this one the other day, and it cracked me up.


Isn’t that an absolute pisser?

I can just picture that girl’s parents, pleased as punch with their little wunderkind, sitting back stage rooting their little girl on, and the look of abject HORROR on their faces as their little one embarrasses the shit out of them on national television.

Then of course, I imagine things would get worse when they looked over to the little Asian boys parents, who were probably staring them down like they just planted a burning cross on their front lawn.

Good times.

Slyde’s Pet Peeve # 6 – Storefront Sellers

I haven’t done one of these pet peeve thingies in a while, but DAMN IT if this didn’t happen to me again over the weekend, and it really PISSES me off!

I absolutely cannot fucking STAND people who decide it would be a good idea who put up a little table in front of a store that I need to enter, and try to sell me some piece of shit that they are selling.

Does that completely irritate anyone else out there?

Sometimes I see them as soon as I’m walking across the parking lot towards the store: Usually a group of little kids, or old men……. Anything to just try to pull on my heart strings.

Sometimes, they want me to take a “quick” survey. More often than not, however, they want me to either buy some piece of garbage souvenir or shitty piece of candy, usually in the name of some charity or organization.

They irritate me so much that if I happen to see them before I park my car, I will just drive to another store that sells what I’m looking for rather than to have to deal with them.

But, more often than not, I usually don’t spy the little bastards until I’m too close to the store to turn around and not have me look like Rainman, so I trudge forward.

Usually, I’ll try to look for a fat person also going into the same store as me, and try to hide behind them so the hawkers won’t see me. That doesn’t work too well. It’s pretty rare to find a chubby enough person who just happens to be walking right in front of me.

So, I inevitably get accosted with some little cherub running over to me and asking:

“Hey mister, want to buy a candy bar for charity?”
“Hey sir, care to donate for the Veteran’s fund?”
“Hey you, can you spare 10 minutes of your time to take this quick survey?”
“Hey fuckface, give me 10 dollars or I’ll key your car!”

Ok, that last one doesn’t happen too often, but you get the point.

Anyway, I usually stammer out something really clever like, “Sorry, I don’t have any money on me!”, and then run into the store.

One minute later, It never fails to amaze me how fucking pathetically stupid it sounds to tell someone that I have no money, as I’m running into a store to obviously BUY something, but that the Hell? I never said brains were my strong suit.

Anyway, going INTO the store is never the hard part. If the anxiety I feel when I have to LEAVE the store, knowing full well that they are out there, waiting to accost me.

I usually try to loiter around the exit, looking to again employ the admittedly-not-too-successful “Hide behind a fatso” strategy, but more often than not I just put my cell phone to my ear, and run out the door pretending that I’m talking about something very fucking important.

Its not that I don’t believe in giving to charity. I do, and probably do it more often than most. It’s just that I like to give away my money the way all socially maladjusted people do…. by clicking a paypall link on some website in the anonymity of my bedroom.

I know that I have social anxiety issues (a subject for another, MUCH longer post someday), but these miscreants really piss me the Hell off.

I can’t be the only one, can I?

Another Year Older

Sorry I haven’t been around much this week. I took most of the week off because the thought of having to get up early and go to work on my Birthday makes me physically Ill.

If you’ve been coming here for awhile, then you already know that I DON’T DO BIRTHDAYS VERY WELL.

Last year was particularly painful for me. Hitting the big 4-0 was a pretty big head trip that honestly took a little while to get my head around.

All things considered, my birthday this Wednesday was pretty much a non-issue, which, by my standards, was pretty much a huge mental success as far as birthdays go.

As I said, I didn’t go to work, opting instead to sit around the house in my underwear and play video games all day. I’m not sure if I could make a decent living off of that, but I think I would like to give it a try. I liked it so much, I had a repeat performance and did it again on Thursday. I know that yesterday I was a whole other year older, but as far as I can tell, I didn’t notice my faculties or video-game-playing slowing down very much between Wednesday and Thursday, so I think I’ve still got a few decent years left in me.

Actually, the whole idea of getting older probably won’t bother me too much again until I hit 46 or 47. I can currently handle being in my “early 40’s”, and I think I can do “middle 40’s”, but “late 40’s” just isn’t going to work for me.

And don’t even get me started on 50.

Anyway, since in some cultures its customary for the person who’s birthday it is to be the person who GIVES gifts out to everyone they know, I decided to treat you all with the picture above of me strategically holding my birthday cake.

Thank goodness it was a big cake.

Anyway, for all of you wonderful people who gave me some birthday salutations on Facebook or through email, I say to you, thanks so much. Really.

I WILL say that I was slightly disappointed that no one sent me any sexy pictures. In some cultures, the birthday boy is showered with pornography from all the hot chicks he knows who read his blog. Ok, not really, but lets START that fine tradition, shall we? I’ll forgive you if you send me a picture a few days late.

I’ll give you a hint of what I’m looking for here. This fine girl must REALLY like the blog she sent THIS picture to.



Oh, how I wish I had fans like that……