Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Girl Drink Drunk

I've always been a big fan of good sketch comedy, and back in the early 90's, there was NO comedy that I'd rather have watched than "The Kids In The Hall".

"Kids", which ran from 1988 - 1994, was the brainchild of Lorne Michaels, of Saturday Night Live fame. Michaels, having had much success with SNL, wanted to try his hand at a new version of the show but showcasing all Canadian talent (is that an oxymoron? - ducks quickly!).

Kids In The Hall made a lot of headlines during it's time in the sun, mostly for the wrong reasons. It was one of the first TV shows that had a real-life openly gay cast member, often doing some very stereotypical gay humor. To add fuel to the fire, the all-male cast routinely dressed in drag.

The show was funny. DAMN funny. Some of you (and probably all of you Canucks, where the show was originally broadcast before coming down to the states courtesy of HBO) already know that.

There were a MILLION skits from that show I loved, but the one that Earl and I still talk about most to this day is the Girl Drink Drunk. Not because it was their funniest one, but because Earl used to find it ridiculously amusing that I would go out to bars and sometimes order things like Toasted Almonds and Mudslides.

I'm ashamed to say that there was even a bar where, when I would walk in, the bartender would do his best Gopher-from-the-Love-Boat-finger-pointing at me and yell, "Hey, Toasted Almond Guy!".

Not TOO embarrassing, that.

Anyway, enjoy. As I continue my quest to finally watch every fucking thing ever posted on Youtube, I will probably put up some more Kids skits from time to time.

P.S. I know, I know. RSS Still isn't working quite right yet.... tell ya what, I'll let ya'll know when I get the kinks out, k?

P.P.S. New friends have been added to my illustrious blogroll. Diet Coke Rocks, 1 Girl 4 Martinis, Sweets, and Kaylee2 are all blogs that you would do yourself a favor to read.





Monday, April 28, 2008

The (Second) Time I Almost Got Kicked Out Of School

A few weeks ago, I regaled you all with the story of the time I almost got arrested by the DEA in junior high school for selling what they THOUGHT was cocaine, when in actuality it was nothing more than sneezing powder.

You would've thought that I would have learned my lesson…

…. But just about 1 year later I had another one of my ridiculous schemes come back to bite me on the ass.

I’ve already shown you guys a snapshot or two from some of my high school plays that I was in.
During my high school years, I was a proud cast member of such high-steppin’ classics as Oklahoma, Guys and Dolls, and I Remember Mama.

It was during my time working on the latter of these gems that we learned that our production was in a bit of a financial pickle, and we needed to do whatever we could to pitch in and raise some money. The Show Must Go On, and all that jazz…

So, I decided that I would help the play by selling candy bars, specifically 3 Musketeers, and donating the profits to the play. During this time, my family owned a candy store, and once a week my father would go to the local candy wholesaler, so I figured I would tag along the next time, buy a box of the chocolate bars at the wholesale price (about 50 cents a piece) and sell ‘em for a buck during school.

The school wins, I win, the hungry kids win, HUMANITY wins. What could be easier, right?

So, the next day I went to school with my box of 3 Musketeers. During Social Studies (about 2 hours after lunch… I’m no fool!), I told a bunch of kids that I had them for sale. My ploy to attack the target demographic of “Kids when they are most hungry” worked like a charm, and I sold half the box after class.

Before the day was up, I had sold out the entire box and had netted a $20 dollar profit for myself (I mean the school play… dammit I needed to keep reminding myself that).

That night I went back to the distributor, and bought TWO boxes. By the next day, word of mouth had spread throughout the school that I was “The Candyman”, and I ended up selling out by noon.

At one point, a freckle-face kid that I recognized came to me between classes and said “Hey, you got any Snickers?”. When I told him “Nope, sorry…. Just 3 Muskateers”, he looked dejected as he skulked away.

I vowed then and there that I would never again let a poor, sad hungry fat kid with money walk away from me without making a sale.

That night, I went BACK to the wholesalers and bought 5 boxes of 3 Musketeers, 2 Boxes of Snickers, and 2 Cases of York Peppermint Patties (my fav!).

I brought it all to school the next day, and quickly realized I couldn’t fit it all in my locker, so I put the boxes in an empty locker next to mine, and locked it with an old gym lock I had.

By now, business was good. REAL good. I would stand against my locker (I mean, my supply warehouse) between periods, and people would come up to me and tell me what they wanted.

By the end of the second week, I essentially had a full candy store operating from within the confines of Valley Stream North High School. My merchandise was now stored in a row of 3 lockers, each filled to the brim with boxes of everything you could think of. Mild Duds, Gobstoppers, Twizzlers.. you name it. I was clearing about $50 a day, and had to make nightly trips to the store to refill my stock.

The money came rolling in. And the funny thing was, at some point all that green went to my head. The money was just too good! The thought of giving this money to the school play, which I DID intend to do when I started, started taking a back seat to just keeping the money for myself. Clearly, that little devil called "Greed" was nestled snugly on my shoulder.....

I felt bad about it, I really did, but somewhere after the first few weeks, I stopped telling people this was “For the school play”, and just hoped they would forget all about it.

They didn’t.

Once again, much like my sneezing powder incident, you would have thought that such a bright young entrepreneur as myself would have considered the fact that the faculty might start asking questions about how a school that didn’t even have a fucking candy machine on the property suddenly had kids all over the school shoving candy into every orifice that they could find.

So, again I got dragged down to the principals office (no DEA agents there this time tho). My story of school philanthropy didn’t hold water either, since I had never considered even clearing this money-making plan of mine with any of my teachers or anyone in the play.

In the end, however, it all worked out. The play went on, I convinced the school to not expel me (again), and I even kept the money in the end.

I just had so suffer a pretty big ass-whooping from my father, who at this point was getting pretty fucking tired of getting calls from the school like this….

In the end, not a bad tradeoff.

Interesting side note: My costar in that play was none other than Miss Seventeen Editor in Chief and TV fashion celebrity Atoosa Rubenstein, who was (and still is) a very good friend of mine. See? I know all the “in” people…..

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

The Most Controversial Films Ever

So, I was perusing Movies.com today, when I ran across what I thought was a pretty cool list. They ranked what they consider to be the 25 most controversial movies of all time.

I agree with many of the picks on this list, but I can't say that I agree with some of the ordering. And some of the picks are just so bizarre.

Anyway, this list had me thinking about it throughout the day, so I figured I may as well share it with ya'll...

25) The Brown Bunny - I have to admit I have have wanted to see this film for awhile now, and not just for Cloe Sevigny's (in)famous Blowjob scene.

24) The Cook, the Thief, The Wife and His Lover - Oooh, Canabalism! Always good for some controversy!

23) Baby Doll - Heard of it.. never seen it

22) The Message - Man, the Muslims went postal when this one came out in the 70's.

21) Crash - No not the 2005 Oscar winner. This is a story about a couple who get off sexually during self-inflicted car crashes. I had heard a lot about this film, and when I finally saw it, although I liked it, I didn't think it was all that.

20) The Devils - Hunchback, sex-starved Nuns... yay!

19) Deep Throat - I remember when I finally saw this one I was like "Man, porno's made in the 70's sucked (literally!)"

18) Requiem For A Dream - You either love this film, or loathe it. I loved it, and it gave me a new respect (and love affair) with Jennifer Connely.

17) Triumph of The Will - Hitler's documentary - booo!

16) Caligula - I am ashamed to say that I watched this in a dark room with Earl and another dude... sometimes I think I share too much here...

15) The Passion Of the Christ - 2 hours of brutality... I can honestly say I could never sit thru this again.

14) Fahrenheit 9/11 - Again, you either love Michael Moore or hate him. I love him.

13) Cruising - Al Pacino as a cop posing as a gay stripper... Oh Yeah!

12) Dogma - I love Kevin Smith, and would watch anything he does.

11) Titicut Follies - A documentary about mental patients.. one of the few on this list that I had never even HEARD of.

10) A Clockwork Orange - One of my favorite films...

9) South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut - I crave South Park, and I honestly don't think I ever laughed as hard in a movie as I did watching this...

8) JFK - I LOVE this movie.... yeah, the conspiracy theory is a little off the wall, but this movie gives me the chills whenever I watch it.

7) Pink Flamingos - I'm a John Waters fan, although I don't care for his recent stuff, and didn't care for this one either.

6) Last Tango In Paris - Been on my "much watch" list for years.

5) Song of the South - A banned Disney movie revolving around ridiculous African Americans stereotypes? The concept alone makes me simultaneously cringe and laugh out loud.

4) The Birth of a Nation - KKK Documentary - Boo! to those guys!

3) The Last Temptation Of Christ - More like "The Last Time I Fell Asleep In A Movie".

2) Midnight Cowboy - Great Film

1) Natural Born Killers - Are you kidding me? #1? Over Clockwork Orange? I can't even say that I liked this film, and I saw it in the theatres!

So, what do you all think of this list?

Monday, April 21, 2008

Stop! Bullet Time!

Ah, good ol’ MC Hammer! Didn’t he end up becoming a preacher? And bankrupt? Can you imagine someone wearing pants like that running a Sunday sermon? I’m ashamed to say that I used to own pants like that during the whole “Hammer-Time!” craze, but I’ve never been a preacher and have never filed for bankruptcy.

What was I talking about again?

Oh yeah, bullet-time. Here are some handy bullet-points to get ya’ll up to date on my exciting and whimsical life…..

--I jumped off a roof this weekend.

How’s THAT for an opening line? I almost broke my foot doing it, too. I was helping my in-laws fix some siding on their house, and at one point I basically had the choice of either jumping down onto a rickety ladder that looked like it was about to topple over, or just jump off the roof onto the front lawn.

When I was a kid, I used to do shit like that all the time, so I didn’t think it would be too big a deal…

Apparently, I’m not a kid anymore.

When I landed, I heard a pop in my ankle, and now I’m walking funny. Not funny “ha-ha”, but funny “Holy Shit that hurts!”.

-- So, we finally had a lil’ taste o’ Summer this past weekend here on Long Island, with a Friday afternoon temperature that broke 80!

So, being a beach bum who basically sits and broods all Winter long waiting for the warm weather, feeling the warm sun on my face Friday really started to put me in a good mood.

Aside from the beach, the other thing I look forward to is being able to drive around with the top down on the convertible, so that’s exactly what I set out to do.

With Beach Boys tunes jangling in my head, I hopped into my car and hit the button to my automatic hard-top……

…. And my “good vibrations” came to a quick fucking halt as the top came halfway up, and then stopped moving.

Yes, it appears that during one of the FOUR times these shitheads have had my car in the shop fixing the water leak in the trunk, one of these mental giants must have fucked with my hard top apparatus.

So goody goody! Expect trip # 5 to the shop on a 6 month old car to happen sometime this week.

--I may be a bad boy tomorrow and play hookey from work. I’m thinking of taking my son to his first trip into NYC (first train ride too), and maybe taking him to Jekyll and Hides for lunch followed by a walk through F.A.O. Schwarts to let him pick out whatever the Hell he wants.

Who knows? Maybe we’ll even jump on the big floor piano and do Chopsticks like in the movie “Big”.

Oh yeah, I can’t….. damn my ankle!

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Germophobia

As a rule, I'm not a germ freak.

I tend to border somewhere comfortably between "Clean" and "Slob", so I'm gonna call myself "Just Right".

But, after perusing the internet the other day, I came across this list, which pretty much turned my stomach. That takes a lot for me... I used to eat cow-tongue tacos (which now that I put in in print, sounds really dirty, but rest easy, I really WAS talking about Mexican food).

Anyway, check out this list of common sources of germ/disgusting contact.

- During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool you will on average ingest 1/12 liters of urine.

Hopefully, that's the LEAST of it.

- In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles, etc.)

By some odd happenstance, science has proven that this number DOUBLES if you happen to be visiting Earl's apartment.

- An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.

Really, is that any worse than biting the worm inside a bottle of Tequila?

- In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept!

Hey, I've almost been on Survivor! This ones a cakewalk!

- Annually you will shake hands with 2 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

Is it wrong that this one makes me hot?

- Annually you will shake hands with 26 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

Is it even more wrong that so does this? Wait, what?

- In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket.

As long as they don't try on my assless chaps, we're good.

- At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.

They obviously have not seen some of the chicks I've taken to family weddings... I've been bucking the odds for years now....

- Daily you will breath in 1 liter of other peoples' anal gases.

On 42st Street in NYC, there are people who will pay good money for that.

Ok, that's enough disgusting facts for now. I've gotta go jump in the shower and scrub myself with a brillow pad.

p.s. More changes made to RSS. Feed Demon finally recognized my feed! We finally might be there, people! I haven't tried it yet, but I'm hopeful we might have it licked. How's it working?

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Bed, Bath, and Way Beyond

Yeah, I know it’s Youtube Tuesday, but I just don’t feel like putting up a video today. Maybe next week.

Anyway, yesterday during my lunch hour, I gathered up my courage and made a foray into heretofore uncharted territory for such a manly man as myself.

That’s right; I walked into Bed, Bath, and Beyond.

All I knew about that store before now was that they sell lots of soft, nice-smelling, frilly things, and that chicks dig it.

Why would I enter such an establishment, you might ask?

Well, whatever the Hell I did to my back 2 months ago is still refusing to “undo” itself, and when I sleep at night, it still hurts like the Devil.

The only thing that seems to help me, is if I sleep with a pillow under my legs, but because I’m such a wildcat in the sack, usually during the night I end up kicking the pillow to the floor in my sleep, then it’s back to feeling like my back is in knots.

So, I decided to try to buy one of those contoured leg pillows, kinda shaped like a big triangle, to see if that would be any better than what I’m currently using.

Hence, my metro-sexual trip to B,B&B.

Maybe it didn’t help that a dude from work came with me, but I swear we were the ONLY 2 guys in the joint. I felt like all the hot Milfs in there were looking at us like we just violated their private sanctum…. Kinda the same look I would get if I peed in the sink in a woman’s bathroom (not that that ever happened or anything…. No sir-ee!).

And it certainly didn’t help when my friend kept yelling stuff like….

“Hey, this is a SUPER bedcover! We HAVE to get it!”.

And

“This Teapot would just look DARLING in our kitchen!”

… all across the store.

Anyway, I was comfortable enough in my incredible virility to successfully manage to weave my way through the aisles and find my big comfy pillow.

Although I was a little disconcerted when the chick at the register asked me …

“Sir, do you have a Bed, Bath, and Beyond credit card? You get a discount on all purchases!”

“Do I LOOK like I fucking shop here enough that I would have my own credit card? What are you trying to tell me? I’m ALL MAN, baby!”.

I was ready to just whip it out and do her against the register to prove it to her, but apparently she was content with just taking my money.

Anyway, mission accomplished!

Next stop, Dress Barn!

p.s. I’ve continued to fool around with the RSS feed. For those using it, let me know how its going (or IF it’s going!).

Saturday, April 12, 2008

RSS

Due to overwhelming demand (i.e. a few people repeatedly busting my balls about it), I have been sitting here on a rainy Saturday afternoon going all Technogeek, trying to finally add an RSS feed to this site.

This SHOULD be the part of the story where I tell everybody "Good news! Here it is!".

But instead, this will be the part of the story where I yell "FUUUUUUUCK!".

For what its worth, I think I'm pretty close. It may actually even be working, but that would probably be the equivalent of a "Tiny Tim" sized Christmas miracle.

I just need some pains-in-the-asses people who actually use this stuff to give it a try and let me know exactly what the Hell it is their seeing.

So, that is your assignment people. The link is on the right. Have at it!

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

The (First) Time I Almost Got Kicked Out Of High School

I wasn’t the “best” student back in high school.

Real shocker, I know.

The thing was, I was incredibly shy and insecure, and tended to be act like a wise-ass class clown to get people to like me. Sometimes, when cracking-wise failed, I would try come up with OTHER ways that I could become an “important” kid in school.

This is the story of one of those ways that didn’t work out so well…

My buddies and I used to hang out in this local candy store not far from school, mostly just talking about girls and killing time.

One day, I noticed that the store sold “joke items”. You know, stuff like fake money, itching cream and whoopee cushions. Fun, Fun!

Then I saw that they were selling “Sneezing Powder”! For 25 cents a packet! So, because I was trying to make people laugh, I plunked down my 2 bits, bought a packet, and proceeded to breathe the white powder into my nose.

I then proceeded to sneeze my brains out for the next 15 minutes. The group of misfits I was with got a good laugh at that.

After I was finally able to compose myself, someone said, “Man, I can’t believe these things are only 25 cents! I’d pay much more for THAT funny shit!”.

Ding!

That was pretty much all I needed to hear. I spent the last 2 dollars I had on more Sneezing Powder.

The next day, while outside in Gym class, I gathered about 2 dozen kids around me, broke open a packet, snorted it, and proceeded to again sneeze myself silly. I was a big hit with the crowd.

Afterwards, one pimply-faced classmate said, “Wow, that’s pretty cool shit. You have any more?”

“As a matter of fact, I do!”.

“How much?”

“$1 a pack”.

I sold out in 10 minutes.

After school, I went to the candy store and spent my new stash of money on more sneezing powder. I also informed the store owner that if he didn’t have any more in the back room, then he’d probably better order some more right fucking quick.

By the end of the week, I was the premier sneezing powder dealer at Valley Stream North High School. Each morning I brought as much “product” to school as I could carry without my parents noticing, and I would sell out by noon. During Lunch hour, I would run out to buy more, and I would again sell out before the 3:00 bell. Then I’d run back to the candy store to buy more inventory for the next day.

By the end of the next week, I had more money than I knew what to do with. You couldn’t walk down the hall without seeing kids sneezing themselves brainless, snorting little lines of white powder in the hallway.

I had become the number one supplier of sneezing powder on the East Coast!

Now, one might have thought that, being the smart young entrepreneur that I was, that I might have thought that kids snorting white powder all over school was going to come back to me, but surprisingly, it never dawned on me.

At any rate, eventually some teacher saw one of his kids snorting a line of white powder in his homeroom, and after almost shitting his pants, dragged the kid down to the principal, where he was grilled until he finally gave me up.

I really didn’t have any clue that I was being called down to the principal’s office for anything more than my normal smartass-edry that day, but I started to get a might suspicious when I opened the principal's office door AND WAS THROWN TO THE GROUND BY 5 D.E.A. OFFICERS IN KEVLAR SUITS.

The 2 drug sniffing dogs they had brought with them barked a lot, too.

Yeah, that was pretty much the call-home-from-school that I honestly thought was going to end up with me being murdered.

But, after a lot of verbal tap-dancing, not to mention giving up the candy store who sold it to me (Hey, I was an idiot, I’ll admit, but I was also just a stupid kid; that schmuck should have known something was up when a 14 year old walks into his store each day and buys 40 bucks worth of sneezing powder), I was eventually let off with a warning. The principal wasn’t happy about it, but in the end, my father’s argument that I was NOT in fact selling anything illegal ended up keeping me in school.

At least THIS time. This was unfortunately NOT my last brush with the school administration.
If I could only find a way to channel this eagerness into something besides playing World Of Warcraft for 10 hours straight, I really think I could be rich by now.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Coming Home

I'm a big fan of Greg Benson and his small internet production company, Mediocre Films (He does, among other things, the Retarded Policeman show which I have been putting up here regularly).

Anyway, he has tons of stuff up on Youtube, but this one always gives me a chuckle.

So, what better way to spend Youtube Tuesday than to pass that chuckle off to you, my wonderful patrons.

Seriously, how many times has this happened to you?

It's happened to me 3 times already this week.....







Sunday, April 06, 2008

I-CON

I Spent the entire day yesterday at I-Con, a big Science Fiction convention here on Long Island.
I've gone a few times over the years, and it's always a fun an interesting time, wandering through the crowds of freaks and weirdo's dressed up in Klingon Outfits or their favorite Star Wars characters.


Anyway, being there yesterday reminded me, as it always does, of one time when I went there about 15 years ago, and had a bit of a run-in with none other than Mr. Sulu himself, George Takei.


I've never been one to re-post old stories that I've already written (in fact, this will be the first time ever), but since it's on my mind right now, I figured I'd just re-tell ya'll about one of my most (in)famous incidents.


Set Phasers To "Faaaaa-bulous!"
Originally Posted 11/21/2005


As some of you have probably heard by now, George Takei, the Asian contingent of the crew of the original Star Trek TV show, better known as “Mr. Sulu” by the masses, has finally come out of the closet, and admitted to being a homosexual.

Now, to anyone who is ANY kind of trekkie, this revelation is not the earth shattering expose that some of the tabloids in the past week have made it out to be. I mean, was there ANYONE out there who didn’t realize Sulu was gay? The man displayed so many stereotypically gay personality traits that I don’t think it would be insulting to say that this revelation didn’t come as much of a surprise to anyone. Who’s the next big celebrity that will shock us by coming out of the closet...... Richard Simmons? My God, the scandal!!!

But I digress. This blog entry really has nothing to do with George Takei’s sexual orientation. I say, more power to him. Live long and prosper and all that.

The sudden news attention surrounding Mr. Sulu got myself and B.E. Earl talking the other day, about an incident between myself and Mr. Takei about 15 years ago. Upon talking about the incident again, we thought our loyal Slyde-Bloggers would find this a pretty funny yarn.

Before I begin, I need to stress again that this took place about 15 years ago. I was probably about 22 or so. Believe me, I stake no claim now that I am anything close to mature, but if you knew me back then, you’d think I was Obi-Wan Kenobi now. Let’s just preface this little story by saying that, although I am not ashamed of my less-than-mature outlook on life, I’m not so proud of it that I plan to put it on my resume, either.

Anyway, the year was about 1993 or so, and Earl, myself, and a group of friends all decided to attend I-CON. I-CON, for all you non-geeky Long Islanders, is L.I.’s biggest yearly science fiction convention. Nerds from all over convene every April to buy sci-fi merchandise, watch sci-fi movies, listen to sci-fi guests, and find other ways of embarrassing themselves with their dorkiness. I fully admit to taking part in such endeavors in my youth from time to time…..

Anyway, at some point I needed use the restroom, so I found the “Little Tribbles” room and entered one of the stalls. While inside the stall, I heard some people enter, discussing what sounded like a movie script, when suddenly I heard that distinctive deep voice that all Trekkies know so well. There was no doubt in my mind that Mr. Sulu had just walked into the bathroom. Apparently, Mr. Takei was scheduled to be a guest speaker at the convention.

Amazed, I kept listening to their conversation. I heard the other people leave the restroom, and then I thought I heard Mr. Sulu walk up to one of the urinals against the far wall, taking care of nature.

A strange thought occurred to me: There was a person of some celebrity status, in a state of semi-nakedness, in my near vicinity. Of course I came to the obvious conclusion: This was a rare opportunity to see a movie star’s private parts!

Now, I have to stop the story at this point for a quick aside. I do NOT, in any shape of form, play on the same team as our esteemed Mr. Sulu. On the contrary, I have such a weakness for the fairer sex, that it has gotten me into more trouble in past years than I could care to admit.

But the fact remained, that less than 10 feet from me was a famous Willy. I had once heard a story of a person who was in a hotel in Detroit on a business trip, who walked down the hall one night to see David Lee Roth naked in an open hotel room. I remember it being a very funny story, and I decided I wanted a famous naked story for myself. So, off I went to get my own story….

I exited the stall, and quickly ran up to the urinal next to Mr. Takei. He glanced at me briefly, then went about his business.

It was at this time I stole a quick look at Mr. Sulu’s personal phaser.

I am not going to degrade the top-notch integrity and standards of SLYDESBLOG with any details (hey, if you want details, stalk him in a bathroom yourself!). But let’s just say, I got my look.

Afterwards, my friends and I all had a good laugh about it. We even decided to attend Mr. Takei’s lecture. The lecture hall was large, seating a few hundred people. Nerds and Klingons from all over the Long Island area were in that room at the time. People who base their lives on Star Trek and view Mr. Sulu as their own personal god. And here my friends and I sat, a couple of wise-asses having way too much fun with this whole scene.

To our credit, we actually managed to be good for most of the dissertation. At one point, George tells the crowd that he is in the process of writing his autobiography.

At that point, a pimply-faced kid holding a light-saber stood up and asked, “Could you tell us what the name of your book will be called?”

To which Mr. Takei responded: “I haven’t come up with a name for my book yet. What I am doing is looking over all the great pieces of memorabilia I have in my attic at my home. I dust off one of these pieces of memorabilia I have up there, then I write a story about it. I’ve been writing a whole chapter for every memento I find up there. And I have a BIG attic, so there will be a lot of stories. But I haven’t come up with a name for my autobiography yet.”

At this point, the 22 year old Me could no longer resist and yelled out, “Why don’t you call your book, “Big Attic, Small Penis”?

Well, my friends and I got a good laugh out of that one. At least until we looked up to find Mr. Sulu, as well as the army of Uber-Geeks around us, looking at me with faces aghast like I just flipped-off Queen Elizabeth.

Well, the faces on the crowd around us, as well as that of George Takei, got us laughing even harder. Cut to 2 minutes later when we got dragged out of the convention center by security.

Man that was a funny day.

Please note that this story has no real point, except to show how immature I can be, especially since, 15 years later now, I still think it’s funny as Hell.

Live Long and Prosper, George Takei.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

A Fine Morning

I never said that I’m quite “at the top of my game” when I first wake up in the morning….

Ok, so this morning I wake up after another shitty night’s sleep (thanks to my back still hurting like the Devil), and I stumbled out into the upstairs hallway.

Friz doesn’t like our cat to be upstairs with us during the night, so she puts up our old baby fence each night at the top of the stairs to keep him down below.

And because I’m the sucker of the house that has to wake up earlier than everybody else, every damn morning I must attempt to successfully rappel over this 3 foot barricade and make it over the other side, onto the staircase, without braking my damn neck (and while not making any noise… Heaven forbid!).

Did I mention that I have to do this a minute after I wake up?

Here’s another piece of this already overly-complicated scenario: My cat, which is usually starving by this time each morning, runs up the stairs as soon as he hears me wake up, and begins to pace back and forth on the top stair on the other side of the fence, MEOW-ing like a loon for me to hurry up and come downstairs to feed him.

Every damn morning, I attempt to perform this gymnastic routine as quickly as possible, in an effort to shut the damn rodent up as quickly as possible so as not to wake anyone up.

So, as I am climbing over the fence this fine morning, the cat is acting extrara rambunctious, running back and forth on the top step, right where I am trying to put my foot down.

While attempting to avoid crushing the little bugger, I slip and almost tumble down the stairs.

Well, that pissed me off rightiously so, in a fit of anger I threw my sweatpants at the offending cat (Yes, I said sweatpants. Some nights I sleep in boxers, but most nights I sleep naked. Raaawwwr, ladies!).

And because I was still half-blind with sleep, my aim was far from true. My makeshift missiles sailed over the cat’s head and thudded against my wall mounted fire alarm.

One second later, the calm quiet of the house explodes with:

“WEEEEE OOOOO! WEEEEEE OOOOO! FIRE! FIRE! GET OUT OF THE HOUSE IMMEDIATELY! FIRE! FIRE! WEEEEE OOOOOOO! WEEEEEEE OOOOO!”

So now in a panic, I try to use my sweatshirt as a bullwhip, as I spend the next 30 seconds trying to flick it up in the air just right so I can hit the fucking off button.

Then the phone rings.

I had completely forgotten that our fire alarm is tied in directly to our Central Station. They were calling to warn us about the fire (as if my eardrums weren’t already blown out hearing the news).

After racing down the hall to the phone, the cheery stationmaster informs me that there is in fact a fire blazing away in my house.

“No, it’s a false alarm”, I tell the chick. “Sorry, I accidentally hit the alarm with my sweatpants”.

Did I really just tell her that? I am a jackass.

“Ok sir, then just tell us the password and we will cancel the request for fire department assistance”.

Password? That’s right, we have a password!

What the FUCK is our password???

I couldn’t even hear myself think over the incessant roar of the alarm.

“Sir, if you don’t know your password, I am going to have to instruct the fire department to come to your location”.

Then, for some reason, the password came to me.

It’s the name of OUR FUCKING CAT!

After hanging up the phone, I fell back into a kitchen chair, sweating profusely; unable to believe what the Hell just happened.

Then I looked up to see Friz standing over me, quite pissed off. She muttered one friendly word of encouragement to me before she shambled back to bed.

“Asshole….”

Did I mention I was still naked?

I had now been awake for a total of 3 minutes…….

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Hillary Is A War Hero

Ok, the behind-the-scenes code on this main page was starting to look a little long in the tooth, so I thought it best to just archive the whole shebang and start this month fresh with a brand new, clean-as-a-baby's ass page. So, if you want to read anything older than, well, right now, you're gonna have to head on over to the archives.

Anyway....

I know Hillary Clinton has been taking a lot of flak lately, because people have been accusing her of sliiiightly exaggerating about how dangerous her trip to Bosnia was, back in the 90's, but my intrepid team of Slydesblog reporters have been able to uncover some super-classified archived footage that reveals that our former First Lady did NOT in fact exaggerate.

On the contrary, she completely played down her heroic part on the fierce battle that fateful day.

She's a true American hero, that one.

Check it out for yourself.....