Friday, March 28, 2008
Don’t get me wrong…. I like New York City. Hell, I LOVE New York City!
I just don’t ever want to have to go to work EVERY DAY in New York City ever again.
I did that commute all the way from out on Long Island to Wall Street for over a year, back in the 90’s. I HATED it! My normally cheery mood would slowly get whittled away as each day of the week dragged on, until by Friday, I would be a right bastard.
This week brought that shitty feeling right back to me like it was just yesterday.
I knew I was in for trouble right on the first day….
I got to the Long Island Railroad when it was still dark out, and sleepily stumbled to my seat. Much to my glee, I thought I had my row of seats on the train all to myself, so I could spread out and relax.
That thought got squashed quickly when suddenly a heavyset guy squeezed himself next to me. I could barely move!
Already aggravated, I decided to try to get some sleep while heading to the Big Apple.
Imagine my surprise when, 20 min into the trip, the guy taps me on the shoulder and says, “Hey, you don’t remember me, do you?”.
And after a second or two of giving him a good looking-over, I did.
His name was Fabio, and I used to work with him a loooong time ago. Never really liked him, either.
In case any of you care WHY I don’t really care for this gentlemen, let me try to explain it politely….
While at work one day, this fine gentlemen once found himself in some form of intestinal distress, and, oh how can I put this gently? He ended up......
… SHITTING HIS PANTS WHILE SITTING AT HIS DESK!
Are you kidding me? What is he, an infant? Who does that?
Then, about 6 months later, HE DID IT AGAIN! Shortly thereafter, unable to handle the whispering and pointing behind his back, he quit in shame.
And now I was sharing a seat with him! Dandy!
While I was spending my time divided between pretending to listen to him, and watching his rear-end for signs of any explosions, 3 young teenagers proceed to get on the train.
These 3 upstanding young urban youths were all wearing ski-parkas and surgical masks strapped to their forehead.
Yeah, I didn’t get it either. Maybe it’s a new “gangsta” thing.
Anyway, they proceeded to scream at each other and yell out some pretty vile shit for the remainder of the trip. I guess they were trying to intimidate the rest of the passengers. I honestly felt like I had walked into “A Clockwork Orange”.
After finally getting to Penn Station, and breaking free from my crappy friend, I bolted to the subway to take me downtown.
While on the subway, I got the following text message from a phone number I didn’t recognize:
“Hey, I need my sweatpants!”
I had no idea who this was, so I sent back:
"Who is this?”
Now I don’t know any Danielle, but at this point I was already aggravated enough to carry me thru for the rest of the week, so I decided to try to at least get a chuckle from wherever I could get it, so the following text messaging conversation proceeded to take place.
“I don’t know any Danielle. U have the wrong #”
“No, I’m not mom”
“Where’s my mother?”
“Maybe with your father”
“Seriously, I need my fucking sweatpants”
“Ouch! Nice language to give to your mother. No wonder why she doesn’t want to talk to you”
“Can I talk to her?”
“No… she said she wants to disown you”
“What do you think? Would I lie to you?”
“Tell her I need my sweatpants!”
“What do you need them for?”
“I have soccer practice! This isn’t funny!”
“Oh I think it’s hysterical. So does mom.”
“C’mon! All I need is my pants for soccer”
“Just pants? What kind of sick-ass soccer game is THIS?”
“Ha-ha! Very fucking funny! Let me speak to my mom!”
“This must be the soccer league for gifted kids. Your mom isn’t here, dimwit”
“Where did she go?”
“She just left. She said that she couldn’t face having a daughter who played soccer topless”
“I’m gonna be late!”
“Better run then!”
“Mom says hi!”
This went on for pretty much the entire subway ride, until the girl actually called me to curse and scream at me. She sounded like she was about 18.
I told her she had to call back; I was busy doing her mom and I didn’t have a free hand for the phone because her mom likes me to pull her hair while I’m spanking her.
Then I hung up.
What can I say? I need to get my laughs wherever I can.
It was not even 9A.M. yet of my first day in Manhattan. It was a LOONG week.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
I don't even want to explain this one, for fear that it will spoil it.
All I will say is that this the video below is an Awareness Test.
So check it out, and tell me ...
Just HOW aware ARE you?
p.s. Day 1 in NYC pretty much blew horse dongs. Which, in case you weren't schooled in the subject, is a lot. 2 more days of this to go. Yay me!
Sunday, March 23, 2008
- Lots of new friends being added to the blogroll this week. Do yourself a favor and check out Vaguetarian Tea Room, Artful Kisser, Eat Bitch and Whine, Ladies Don't Kiss And Tell, But I'm No Lady, Tabbie, and Tequila Mockingbird.
These chicks all rock, so give 'em a look.
- Hey, remember when I took my brand new convertible back to the shop 2 months ago because when I opened the trunk after a rainstorm there was so much water inside that I could have floated a fucking kayak in there? Yeah Good times….
Remember when they said they fixed it, and then I took it home only to find that one week later I ONCE AGAIN had a waterfall inside my trunk? After that equally fun SECOND trip to the shop they assured me it was fixed.
Can you guess where this is going yet? This week I found not a waterfall, but a damp soupy swamp, inside my trunk. I nearly popped a blood vessel on the phone to the shop. Anyway, they must be getting nervous that I am about to invoke the Lemon Law because they gave me a loaner car while they assured me that “This time it WILL be fixed”.
I got it back yesterday, and after a rainfall last night, my trunk is still as dry as the Mohave, so I’m keeping my fingers crossed.
- Thanks for everyone who made fun of my clothes and furniture from my last post. I must be a glutton for punishment, since I have found another batch of embarrassment that I will probably loose on you all next week.
-Speaking of next week, you will probably not hear too much from me for a few days, or at least not any posts of any substance (then again, is there ever?). My job needs me to be in Manhattan for most of next week, so by the time I get home each night from the train ride from Hell, probably the LAST thing I’ll be keen to do is blog.
But on the bright side, NYC is usually good for a story or two….
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
I do not know how such an egregious error escaped me.
Well, this past Saturday I fixed THAT shit right quick.
I hooked up my new scanner Saturday night, and then immediately scoured the attic trying to find all my old snapshots that I had collected over the years.
Right before I was about to give up, and after much cursing and carrying-on about why nothing in this house is EVER FOUND IN THE SPOT WHERE I FRIGGING PUT IT AWAY, I successfully found my cache of pictures.
Regular Slydesbloggers should realize what this means:
I now have in my possession the wily and elusive picture of Earl dressed as a Gandalf.
And I will scan it and show it to ya’ll at some point. But after telling this to the super anonymous Earl earlier today, he nearly pooped himself with fear that I will loose his godly visage unto the world, so I promised that before I show you all the pic, I’ll be sure to blur out his face first (or replace his head with Borat or something). So, patience, people.
But since I was never one to be squeamish about embarrassing myself for a laugh (or to increase my comments), I thought it might be fun to scan in some quick pictures of myself from various points in my life. I’ll rummage thru this mountain of probably thousands of pictures in the next few weeks, and further humiliate myself by posting a few choice ones.
It’s really going to take me a while to go thru all this stuff. I’ve never owned a scrap book or photo album.
No, apparently I thought it would be much easier to just spend the past 40 years throwing any pictures I took into a garbage bag, because now it’s MUCH easier to sort thru.
But for now, here are a few of them that were on top of the heap. The picture up top, by the way, is from a camping trip I took a few years ago.
Can you believe the clothes my mother used to dress me in?
Remarkably, I can still fit into that suit. I wore it to work just yesterday.
I think this picture officially marked the beginnings of my "Chachi" phase.
Ok, that's enough public embarrassment for now. I'll try to dig thru the piles and try to come up with some others over the weekend.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
For Those new to the scene, each Tuesday I selflessly scour the internet in an effort to find and share with you all the latest in viral video foolishness.
Today, this gem graces my screen.
Have you ever found yourself wanting to watch Star Wars, but you only had about 2 minutes to spare? Were the special effects in the original movie just too damn scary for you?
Then my friends, have I got the video for you......
It honestly scares me that these nerds put so much effort into doing something like this....
Sunday, March 16, 2008
A friend of mine sent me this little gem this week. I never knew that taking dictation from a computer that spouts gibberish could be so entertaining!
After taking the test just one time, I resisted the urge to try to take it a second time to try to beat my time.
No, instead I am going to throw down the dictational gauntlet and challenge all of you to try to beat me.
If one of you guys ends up kicking my ass, then maybe the competitive part of me will attempt to re-take it.
Actually, I have no illusions that someone ISN'T going to beat my score, but I still figure it will be more fun for me to try to have a goal next time, than for me to just sit here playing it over and over again for no reason.
Try to beat THAT, ya'll......
Super Sexy Update: I got a 72 while at work today! Huzzah!
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Wasn’t it only a week ago that I was telling ya’ll about one of my most embarrassing moments?
Well, I think I just topped myself (and this one DOESN’T involve Earl).
A few months ago, I bought a new, fairly expensive N-class router for my home, because as you all know, I am a techno-geek tried and true. Gotta have the best gadgets, right?
Anyway, last week the damn thing broke on me, and because I bought it on eBay, I didn’t really have any recourse to return it.
I really needed a replacement right away, so the eBay option wasn’t viable, but I ALSO didn’t feel like paying the much higher price I’d have to pay if I went to my local computer store.
So, what to do?
A friend suggested to me a seemingly GREAT idea!
“Why don’t you just go to Best Buy, buy the new router, then put your old one in the new box and return it?”
That couldn’t work, could it?
Now normally, I’m a pretty big supporter of brick and mortar stores, so this isn’t the kind of thing I would usually try to pull off, but I’ve been spending a lot of money lately, and the thought of spending upwards of another c-note on something I JUST FRIGGING BOUGHT 2 MONTHS AGO was enough to push me into contemplating embarking on a new life of crime.
I even had the foresight to call Best Buy ahead of time, and ask “Hey, if I were to buy a router, and open the box and then decide I don’t want it, can I return it for a full refund?”.
“Sure thing!”, I was told by the cheery Best Buy employee on the phone.
So, my evil, ingenious plot began to take shape…..
I went to Best Buy over the weekend, paid way too much for the new router, and quickly ferreted it back to my evil lair (i.e. home) to begin what other common criminals routinely call “The Ol’ Switheroo”….
I installed my new router, and my home was once again awash in the comforting feeling of internet connectivity. Then I took my broken router, and did my best to re-package it as nicely as I could into the new box.
Then with router and receipt in hand, I skulked my way back into Best Buy.
The woman behind the “Returns” desk certainly seemed nice enough.
“I need to see the receipt, sir”.
“Sure thing!”, I said cheerily as I handed it to her.
“Now I need to open the box and inspect the contents”.
“Go right ahead”, I said. I secretly hoped she would be impressed at my expert re-packaging of my illegal goods.
This is where my day suddenly started to slide downhill…..
The woman took the router out of the box, flipped it over, and began to inspect the serial number on the bottom.
I couldn’t for the life of me think of what she was going to do with that info.
My heart then proceeded to skip a beat, as she then checked the serial number on the router to the serial number (THAT I NEVER NOTICED WAS THERE) on the side of the box!
I broke out into a cold sweat, eyes shifting nervously as I tried to quickly scope out my best escape route as my beautifully evil plan began to fall apart.
Would she call security? Could I get away? Should I grab her as a hostage? Will there be a shootout?
“Uhhhhhhh, these numbers don’t match. How many routers do you have at home?”
“Three!”, I quickly said, now in a state of near panic.
Three? Who the Hell has three routers? I am an idiot.
“Well, I think you put the wrong one in the box”.
Then there was a moment, I’m sure only a few seconds in reality, but it felt like a lifetime, where the woman and I just stared at each other, each waiting for the other one to crack and admit that this woman knew exactly what the Hell I just tried to do.
Then, my huge intellect came up with a brilliant plan….
“Uhhhh, my wife packaged this up for me this morning. Yeah, that’s it! Why, she must have put the wrong router in the box! Darn that scamp! I’ll have to come back later with the right one, by Golly!”.
“Ok, you do that”, was the only reply I got from the now NOT so cheery woman behind the counter…..
I quickly scarfed up my illegal contraband and scurried out of the store….
Anyone want to buy a “slightly used”, do-it-yourself router.............cheap?
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Monday, March 10, 2008
There is NO WAY I can take off the registering option, without getting literally BOMBARDED with spam. Believe me, its nuts.
As an experiment this week, I took off the requirement to register to the forums for one day. ONE FREAKING DAY!. In that time, I got about 20 new users who’s username had some form of “penis” or “Viagra”, and about 10 posts with hardcore porn pics. As much as I love me some porn, I’d rather not have it plastered all over the site.
So, what to do?
For the past year or 2, I’ve had SLYDESBLOG registered over at blogspot, so I COULD just switch to that and use the posting features that the rest of the world uses, but that just seems like giving in to the enemy. I LIKE the freedom of creating and maintaining my own site.
Or maybe I could try to install the messaging system that the lovely, talented, and pregnant Diva uses, called Haloscan? People seem to really like it, and it’s register-free.
So, what do you say, anonymous lurkers? If I take the trouble to change my forums from what I have now to Haloscan, would ya’ll finally start posting?
- Thanks to everyone who was nice enough to send me an email asking about how my back is doing. I am actually still in a boatload of pain. I’m going to see an orthopedist next week. It had actually gotten so bad this week that last night I bought myself a bottle of Nyquil and took a mega dose of it, just to knock me out for the night. That shit works! I STILL feel like I’ve been hit by a snowplow. Good stuff!
- Through much geeky searching, the ever movie-conscious Earl was able to figure out part of the meaning of my crazy dream this week. We checked IMDB to see if Joe Don Baker and Steve McQueen ever worked together, and sure enough, they DID do one movie together, Junior Bonner. A movie that I just happened to watch about 2 months ago! I slept thru a lot of it, but I DO remember the two of them getting into a small brawl during the movie. So at least I understand THAT part of my dream, but where the pirate ships and escalators came from is anyone’s guess.
- More friends added to the blogroll! The wonderful Sailor Clover and her man Bat-Hubs are 2 great sites that you should not be missing.
Have a great weekend everyone!
Saturday, March 08, 2008
Thursday, March 06, 2008
I always get those 2 confused.
Ok, since you probably wont buy THAT excuse (or then again, you might. I'm pretty stupid after all), I may as well just fess up and say that I have just been doing too much darn stuff at home, and didn't get the time to put up my Youtube Tuesday clip.
Anyway, it's been a few weeks since we have checked in on our beloved Retarded Policeman.
This episode, number 4, is my absolute favorite of the series. Enjoy.
Monday, March 03, 2008
I have been having A LOT of trouble sleeping lately. Actually, it’s not so much the sleeping that’s giving me trouble, it’s my back.
I have never once in my life had problems with my back. Never.
But one night, about 3 weeks ago, I woke up in the middle of the night in agony. I mean REALLY bad pain. It felt like I was sleeping on the tip of a sword.
I figured that I just slept oddly, but the next night, same damn thing. Agony.
And I have been in pretty much complete agony ever since, every single night. Some nights are better than others, but the pain is always there.
And the odd thing is, about 5 minutes after I get out of bed, I am 100 percent fine. Back is once again as strong as an ox. I just don’t get it.
Already been to the doctor, and they took x-rays last week. I haven’t heard back yet.
But ONE interesting side effect of these night problems, is that I seem to keep getting these fucked-up dreams, kinda like those fever-dreams you get when you are sick.
Take last night, for example….
I dreamt that I was hanging out with Joe Don Baker and Steve Mqueen, when they suddenly got into an argument about something.
They started hitting each other over the head with hammers and tables, of all things!
Then they started rolling down a hill and I got caught up in the brew-ha-ha.
We rolled down a mountain, and landed on an old pirate ship, where the fight continued as the ship started to set sail.
Steve and Joe started chasing each other up and down a pair of escalators (kinda forward-thinking for a wooden pirate ship, I know), when suddenly we went over a huge waterfall!
Then my alarm went off.
I need to know what happened, dammit! Am I ok? Are Steve and Joe friends again? Who put that fucking escalator in the middle of an 18th century schooner?
Seriously, this broken back of mine, and these dreams, are driving me crazy…