Monday, December 15, 2008

The Tribe Has Spoken

I am a fanatic of the TV reality show Survivor.

Last night I watched the season finale, as 57 year old Bob Crowley, a high school Physics teacher from Maine, walked away with the title of Sole Survivor and the million dollar check.

From the beginning, I have been obsessed with this show. So much so, that I have applied on 2 different occasions to become a contestant. I got well into the interview process the first time I applied, and was completely ignored the second time. Clearly, I am doing something wrong.

As I sat at home watching the finale last night, the overwhelming urge that has CONSUMED me for the past 17 seasons of the show, once again washed over me with the force of a tidal wave….

I have GOT to get on that damn show. I HAVE to.

I’m not sure why I feel so strongly about being on Survivor, but Lord knows that it’s the only reality show I would ever really consider being on. I think the main reason is that I know I would be SO FUCKING GOOD AT IT! I KNOW it! And I need to prove it to myself…..

So, I went to bed last night once again coming to the conclusion that I need to get my sexy, chiseled ass onto that show. I haven’t put in an audition tape in 2 years now. It’s high time.

So, that’s where YOU all come in.

From looking at past shows, and past contestants, it really seems that it is the idea and quality behind the audition tape, and NOT the answers that one puts down on the 17 page application form, that will get me onto that show.

I need you guys to come up with a good idea for my Survivor audition tape.

And hopefully, there will be an idea out there that I will like well enough to humiliate myself and record while I am off work for the next 3 weeks for my Christmas vacation.

I can tell you all that, for my first tape, I acted out a spoof of the Blair Witch project, where I was stranded on the island and trying to escape. It was damn funny. Take my word for it. I’m brilliant. That time, they liked me enough to give me a call back, but I never heard from them again.

The second time, I just made a video of me talking about myself (I’m quite good at that…. I do it a lot). I didn’t hear a peep back from them that time.

So clearly, I need to change things up and do something different.

So I thought…. Who better to ask than a bunch of complete strangers that I’ve never met before?

So come on guys. Put on your thinking hats and tell me what I need to do to get on the show.

If I like your idea, I WILL do it.

And if I get on the show, I’ll either:

A) Split the million dollars with you


B) Make hot sweaty love to you.

It’s your pick, but I know you’d make the wise decision.


Ookami Snow said...

How about you explain in great, incorrect, detail how you are a survivor in your own world.

For example you could film yourself driving out of your drive way explaining how the turn signal works by sending out magnetic waves to the receptors in the tail beacons. And how you should never push the down tune button on the radio tuner four times in a row then turn on the heater or the car will self destruct, you know because one of your friends died in a horrible car explosion after you warned him about it.

Your portrayal of getting a coffee from Starbucks will amaze and endear your judges. They will be blown away by your depth of false knowledge and your uncanny ability to know how to survive in the modern jungle we live in.

Thank you.

Even though the hot sweaty love option is tempting, I will just take a cut of the check.

Dr Zibbs said...

I've got it! Get the most classic scenes from the show and act them ALL out as if all of those characters were on the show.

Another idea: Make tape as if you're auditioning for other TV shows like dancing with the stars, American Idol, etc. and you get rejected each time. Then when it comes time to "audition" for survivor, just start pleading or crying.

Janine / Being Brazen said...

make a survivor New York video...Im sure its been done before, but put a new spin on it :)

Verdant Earl said...

I think you should do a video like the bachelor party video from Jerry Maguire. You talking about what a great guy you are interspersed with quick edits from your friends and family saying what a child/douche/jackass/whatever you are.

I think that would be funny, plus it would give me a chance to vent.

Anonymous said...

do a les stroud survivorman spoof in your backyard, catch crickets and eat them, make a fire, rub your feet for the camera (Earl: he has to get a foot shot into his video, it would be the most truthful part of the charade), no matter what idea gets u on that better get one hell of a tivo to record the 40 or so days of tv that you'd miss.

Marie said...

I thought about you last night while watching Survivor and was thinking how cool it would be to watch you on there.

I like the spoof on survivor idea. Maybe you could video some footage at the zoo?

I would also do some of the more funny challenges and yes I love the idea of Earl shooting.

Also you have to share some sort of multiple personality edge so that they see how funny you will be to watch on a weekly basis.

Also, I am thrilled that Bob won. My love for the show was restored with this season.

Shania said...

You ass. I haven't watched the ending yet. Honestly, I didn't even know it ended and I'm only behind two episodes! How did that happen? When you get on the show, you need to correct that. So, even though you completely ruined the entire season for me, I'll use my massive intellectual reserves to come up with a winning audition tape idea.

Anonymous said...

I have to admit to never having watched Survivor, so I don't really know what the fuss is all about. Couldn't you get dressed up in a loin cloth and headband and oiled bod like John Travolta in Staying Alive, carrying a spear screaming "Kill the pig! Bash it in! Cut its throat! Spill its blood" with "Eye of the Tiger" playing in the background? Prolly been done before... You'd have a legion of lady fans - or at least gay fans.

Anndi said...

I haven't watched since the first season.

I'll see if I can think something up for you, but it seems to me that using that funny streak you have will get you everywhere.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

I really like Earl's idea...I gotta think..I know... Do a spoof on the Twilight movie. It's a love story about this high school girl and a vampire. The thing about it is that the vampire is so over protective of the girl. He's always there to "save her" whenever she gets into trouble. You could make your wife Bella-(the high school girl) and you be Edward. The thing with Edward is that he is drop dead sexy, and again, Bella's savior. Spoof how Slyde would be the ultimate survivor by always being around to save everyone.
What do ya think?

Mrs. Hall said...

Wow, Earl's idea is one of the best.

Um, I have only caught a minute or two of this show during the 37 seasons but . . .

I assume whatever tape you submit should be original. They must see a MILLION tapes of people going on and on themselves.

So, come up with an original concept. Jot down a few ideas. Let it be spiked with you, this concept. And for keep it light and positive. Funny even. This attracts people.

It attracts people to this blog.

I wouldn't get all stunt action though. They must see a million of those.

But, yeah, Earl's idea is good. Again, because it is original. People send in a lot of tapes telling the good things aobut themselves. YOU can send in a tape with your friends telling the real story!


Either way, polish your best dick jokes.

Ok, I'll take the money now.



Mrs. Hall said...

Oh, one more thing.

Saying YOU HAVE TO GET ON THIS SHOW!!! reeks of desperation.

Knock that off. Desperation, um, repels people.

Unless they like you, like we commenters do.


dmb5_libra said...

i've been dyin gto get on that show too...just because it seems like an awesome way to get in shape.

~The South Dakota Cowgirl~ said...

I don't know what to tell you about getting on the show, except good luck. I love Survivor. I think that whatever you do you have to stand out, since there are so many tapes to review. Is it possible that it's simply luck of the draw- that they just randomly pick some to view, and if yours isn't in that handful, you aren't chosen? I don't know. I'm just thinkin' out loud.

Ali said...

One name.

Richard Hatch.

Wasn't that the gay naked dude from like the first season?

I confess, that's the only one I actually watched.

What you do is get your sexy self all naked, and film yourself busting through the "jungle" or something, then coming out on a golf course somewhere. Think of the ridiculousness of Strange Wilderness. Oh, and make sure you include a clip of a shark guffawing through the water.

I'd pick you for sure.

Also, I will leave payment up to you...I know you'll make the wise decision ;)

badgerdaddy said...

Honestly, I have no idea.

Chris H said...

BUGGER, DAMN AND BLAST~!!!!! For the first time EVER I wish I hadn't read your blog! I am watching Survivour down here in NZ and we are only half way through this season's programme! I so didn't need to know who bloody won. Pffffft, going now .. in a huff. Don't feel bad... REALLY!

Bruce Johnson said...

I have only watched this season about once or twice. Survivor sort of lost is charm to me after the second season. But I thought that the eventual winner had no chance of making it to the end. Shows what I know.

Haveing applied for the Amazing race, it appears that the talking to the camera does not work well unless you come across as REALLY weird or charming. So the skit concept that indicates that you can communicate and express yourself while being 'in action' would be the best bet.

I would suggest his. Stage a tribal counsel of some sort and have the Jeff Probst wannabe ask you why you think you should be voted ONTO Survivor, you stand up by torch light and give reasons, while cutting to flash backs of you swinging from vines, running throug the forest and putting together huge jigsaw puzzles. How could they turn you down.

If you win, I seriously doubt you wills split the money, and if you try and make love to me.....well, lets just say that I know about the skeletons in your closet.

Anonymous said...

How do old people keep winning this? They've had a couple of older winners right?

Unknown said...

I don't have a freaking clue, as I am NOT that creative, but you do have some great ideas on here.

Why don't you find Bob or Sugar's blog or whatever, and see if they will tell you what their videos' were like and maybe get an idea?

And honey, I HAVE to watch Survivor. That is the only show that I just CAN NOT miss. I'm so addicted, and Bob sure deserved to win.