Wednesday, December 31, 2008

The Year Endeth

I know, I know.. I haven't posted in a week.

Guess, what? I'm STILL not posting yet.

I just wanted to give ya'll a quick update to prove that I'm not dead.

- Christmas was nice, and also very sad. Does that make sense? It was truly awesome to have my dad with me for the holidays for the first time in almost 20 years, but not having my grandfather there was a bit too much for me. It was actually harder than I thought it would be. I guess I'm still just too fucked up about it. Anyway, the important thing is that my son had the best Christmas of his little life.

- The TV rocks. No guilt anymore whatsoever. Not. One. Bit!

- No, I haven't checked any of your blogs in over a week. I am truly sorry. Really. The fact is, with my dad staying with me, and the holidays, there just haven't been enough hours in the day. I am now terrified of clicking on Google reader, for fear of the number of unread posts that await me. But I really am sorry for neglecting you all like this. Let me make it up to you in the only way I know how. Namely, I'll gladly have sex with anyone who feels slighted by me not visiting their blog last week. Really. My remorse knows no bounds. And it WILL make you feel better. I'm really good at it. I'm a giver.

Ok, enough blather. I am getting ready for some New Years Eve tomfoolery, and there's a damn blizzard going on outside my window. The perfect night to be on the road, right? At least we can all take solace in the fact that we aren't sitting patiently in the sub-zero temperatures of Times Square right now waiting for the ball to drop, right?

Happy New Years, my lovelies. I will return to you all next week.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Well, I Cracked.

Yes, I did.

I totally caved.

Remember, not too long ago, when I finally decided that I was going to wait until AFTER the holidays to get my new big screen television? I had concluded that after Christmas, the sales would most likely be even better, and waiting was the smarter way to go.

Well, say "Hello" to my not-so-little friend, the Samsung Series 8 850....

In my defense, it really wasn't my fault. Really.

I went to Toys R Us to buy one last present for the wee one (again, that's my son, not my weenie. I know I don't have to keep explaining that but dammit it makes me laugh). As I was leaving the toy store, what did I spy with my little eye across the street?

Circuit City, one of the major local electronic store chains in this area, had a HUGE honkin' sign out declaring that they were "GOING OUT OF BUSINESS!!! 40% OFF! EVERYTHING MUST GO!"

Well, thought I, it wouldn't hurt for me to just take my sexy ass inside for a MINUTE just to look around. That's no big deal, is it? Hell, it's my right as an AMERICAN to be able to look in any damn store i want to! I owe it to myself to look in there to see what's on sale! I couldn't let the terrorists win, could I?

Anyway, like a man who just lost his entire paycheck during a drunken night in a strip club (again, I'm just guessing about that. I've never set foot in a strip club in my life. Girls are icky! Ewwww!), I felt disgusted with myself as I stuffed this monstrosity into my car and got it home.

How could I blow this much money on something that I COMPLETELY don't need? I've got a 65'' freaking MONSTER TV already, for gosh sakes! I don't need this!

At least, I DIDN'T need it, until I put in THE INCREDIBLE HULK on Blu-Ray and it looked so clear that I could swear he was going to jump out of the television at any second.

So now I DO need this TV. It's mine! You can pry it from my cold, dead hands!

Seriously, this television is frigging awesome. It's got full Internet connectivity too, so I can check the weather and news while I'm watching TV. Hell, it's even got a stock ticker on the bottom of the screen.

Cause I NEED that, you see.

Anyway, there is no return policy, so now I'll just have to live with it.

How fast can I get my ass to the store to buy the Matrix on Blu-Ray?

Saturday, December 20, 2008


Yesterday, I trudged through the blizzard that us New Yorkers got hit with yesterday, to pick up my father at the airport. He and my step-mom will be staying with me for the holidays.

This will be the first Christmas I’ve spent with my father in 17 years.

It will be a very special Christmas for me, to be sure. After my parents divorced, my father packed up and moved down to Florida, within just a few months after he left my mom. He doesn’t have a lot of money, so flying up here for the holidays was never an option.

Hence almost 2 decades without seeing my dad on Christmas.

They say that divorce is much harder on young kids than when they are older, but I’m gonna call “bullshit” on that one. It pretty much sucks no matter what age you are. Even little things, like where you are going to spend a holiday or special event, turn into logistical nightmares where SOMEONE’S feeling always seem to get hurt.

I’ve called my dad on the phone every Christmas eve, but it’s not the same of course.

So this year should be special. It WILL be.

Of course, it won’t be perfect.

How CAN it be this year?

After spending 39 Christmas’ with my closest friend, I would be lying if I didn’t say that the empty chair to my right at the dinner table this Christmas Eve will hurt like a fucking white hot poker through my eye. As I’ve said, I of course knew that my grandfather’s health had been failing, but I really thought that the old bull had one more Christmas left in him. I wish I had known better.

So, what have I learned this year?

That the Good Lord, in all his wisdom, gives, and sometimes takes away.

I still don’t know if this year will be the best, or worst, Christmas ever.

As soon as I figure that out, I’ll let you know.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008


Today is my last day of work for the rest of the year.

As I sit here typing this, I have 1 hour to go before I can nestle myself firmly into “vacation mode”.

I never INTEND on taking at least half of December off, but just about every year it turns out that way.

The reason being is that I am obsessive compulsive with my time off.

More accurately, I CANNOT let myself take any time off if I am not using it to actually DO something. It just kills me inside if I take a day off work, and use it to sit around the house and watch TV, or wait for the cable guy, or whatever.

No, when I take off from work, I need to be doing SOMETHING, like going on a 2 week cruise, or a trip to the Dominican Republic, or a 5 day ski trip/orgy (that’s gonna happen in February). It just burns my buns when I take a day off, and spend it not actually on a vacation.

So what ends up happening each year?

Because I never use my time off, I end up looking at the calendar each October, and realizing in horror that I still have so much time off accrued that if I don’t start taking it right then and there, I will end up losing it. My wonderful company doesn’t let you save your vacation time, or even pay us out for unused time, so with us, it’s either “use it or lose it”.

So I use it, baby.

This year was no exception. Starting in October, I started taking every Friday off. Then once November rolled around, I realized in horror that my first-rate math skills had failed me, and that taking every Friday off was still not enough, so all last month I began taking at least 2 days off a week. And now I’m at the point where, I can’t work another day without losing any vacation.

As I said, this ends up happening every year to me. One year I had to end up taking the entire month of December off, so this year is actually pretty responsible for me.

I have no idea what I am going to do first.

Hopefully the next week away from work can be used to get my sexy ass more into the Christmas Spirit.

Ho Ho Ho everybody!… say hi to your bosses for me!

Monday, December 15, 2008

The Tribe Has Spoken

I am a fanatic of the TV reality show Survivor.

Last night I watched the season finale, as 57 year old Bob Crowley, a high school Physics teacher from Maine, walked away with the title of Sole Survivor and the million dollar check.

From the beginning, I have been obsessed with this show. So much so, that I have applied on 2 different occasions to become a contestant. I got well into the interview process the first time I applied, and was completely ignored the second time. Clearly, I am doing something wrong.

As I sat at home watching the finale last night, the overwhelming urge that has CONSUMED me for the past 17 seasons of the show, once again washed over me with the force of a tidal wave….

I have GOT to get on that damn show. I HAVE to.

I’m not sure why I feel so strongly about being on Survivor, but Lord knows that it’s the only reality show I would ever really consider being on. I think the main reason is that I know I would be SO FUCKING GOOD AT IT! I KNOW it! And I need to prove it to myself…..

So, I went to bed last night once again coming to the conclusion that I need to get my sexy, chiseled ass onto that show. I haven’t put in an audition tape in 2 years now. It’s high time.

So, that’s where YOU all come in.

From looking at past shows, and past contestants, it really seems that it is the idea and quality behind the audition tape, and NOT the answers that one puts down on the 17 page application form, that will get me onto that show.

I need you guys to come up with a good idea for my Survivor audition tape.

And hopefully, there will be an idea out there that I will like well enough to humiliate myself and record while I am off work for the next 3 weeks for my Christmas vacation.

I can tell you all that, for my first tape, I acted out a spoof of the Blair Witch project, where I was stranded on the island and trying to escape. It was damn funny. Take my word for it. I’m brilliant. That time, they liked me enough to give me a call back, but I never heard from them again.

The second time, I just made a video of me talking about myself (I’m quite good at that…. I do it a lot). I didn’t hear a peep back from them that time.

So clearly, I need to change things up and do something different.

So I thought…. Who better to ask than a bunch of complete strangers that I’ve never met before?

So come on guys. Put on your thinking hats and tell me what I need to do to get on the show.

If I like your idea, I WILL do it.

And if I get on the show, I’ll either:

A) Split the million dollars with you


B) Make hot sweaty love to you.

It’s your pick, but I know you’d make the wise decision.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Maybe she just meant 'Happy'?

Hola muchachos y muchachas!

See? I'm bilingual. That translates to "2 tongues".

If i REALLY had 2 tongues, i could get a job in a sideshow carnival. I'd probably make a decent buck, too.

I ALSO would probably be all my female readers' best friend :)


Sorry about that, I'm in a silly mood this morning. I usually don't post on the weekends, but i was just skimming through the land of YouTube and i came across one of my favorite clips of all time. I hadn't seen it in such a long time.

I actually posted this here once, a loooong time ago. If it wasn't for the fact that i am a lazy shit, I'd probably check the archives, but just trust me that i posted it once, OK?

I am a SUCKER for news bloopers. Nothing makes me do pee-pee in my bloomers like seeing a respected journalist, those bastions of neutrality and integrity, do something so silly and unexpected that it makes them look foolish.

As i said, this has always been one of my fav's.

I'm not sure how you exactly go about explaining this to your boss after you get off the air, but DAMN would i have loved to have been a fly on the wall.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

I’m Giving Her All She’s Got, Captain

Don’t worry, this isn’t a post about Star Trek (although Lord knows I could do a Star Trek post… wouldn’t THAT be topical and fun!).

No, this is a post about blogs.

YOUR Blogs, specifically.

If you are one of the wonderfully lucky people who I link to on the right, then you are TRULY one of the blessed few of the cyberverse who has the rare privilege of getting ME to read and post your blog.

In other words, if I like you, then I try to try to take the time to stop by your blog for just about every post and jot down one of my witty comments. I’m sure it makes your day. You know what I’m talking about. It’s a precious gift to you that I give.

But I just can’t keep up with it.

You may have noticed, especially if you are one of the more frequent bloggers among you, that I have been commenting on your blogs a little less often.

It’s not because I’ve grown disinterested, I swear.

The simple truth is that, as the number of blogs I’ve discovered that I love has grown, the less amount of time I have to devote to reading each of you.

The amount of posts that I try to read is just getting staggering. Every time I log into Google reader, I am avalanched with 60, 70, 80 new posts! No sooner than I do my best to read them all, only to see 30-40 new posts appear in my reader the next morning. Sometimes I feel like I am fighting the tide; sweeping it back out to sea, only to have it come crashing back on me a few minutes later.

Truly, we all like to write. A lot.

I’ve come to the sad conclusion that I just can’t keep up anymore.

What it all boils down to is, going forward I am realistically going to be able to check up on my blog-reading every 2-3 days or so (usually its during the same period where I find the time to actually post something on THIS blog).

So what this means to my fine sexy followers is this: If you see me stopping by your blog a little less often, please don’t hold it against me (on the other hand, if you have a hot, supple body, then by all means feel free to hold THAT against me).

The reality is, I just cant keep up anymore, and I’d rather change things up this way, than to just cut the amount of blogs I read (which a friend suggested to me).

After all, if I have linked to you over on the right, it means that, in some form or another, I love your stuff, and find you quite sexy.

Now of course, if any of you fine ladies would like to financially support me, then I can quit my job and just read blogs full time (and be your full-service sex slave, to boot). That, of course, is YOUR call.

But I’m open to that. Really.

Monday, December 08, 2008


See what I did there with the title? I wanted to do a bullet post about different “things” going on with me, so I put up a picture of the Marvel superhero, The Thing! And since you all know that I am a comic book nerd, this ingenious level of crafty wordsmanship takes on a whole other level. Can there be any doubt that I am the John Steinbeck of our day? Not to mention the fact that Mr. Steinbeck, while admittedly a great writer, wasn’t NEARLY as hot as me. Not even close. I’m just the total package.

What was a talking about again? Oh yeah, things going on with me.

- Thank you very much one and all, for all the great advice on getting my new TV set. In the end, I have decided that I WILL get one, but I have actually impressed myself by suppressing my usual impulsive nature, and want to wait until we are a little closer to Christmas, or even afterwards, to see just how good a deal I can get.

The fact is that after settling all my grandfathers’ affairs, and paying for the funeral, I had some money left over that my mother would like me to have. It should be enough to at least put one hell of a fucking dent in the price tag of a good television. I think my grandfather would like me using his money to buy something to make me happy. That’s my justification for it, anyway.

- I HATE the post office. My new GPS was lost in the mail. I went to the post office with the tracking number, but I was greeted by a near comatose zombie who told me that she has “no idea” where my $300 package might be! Merry Christmas to you too, United States Postal Service!

But I have to say that the good folks over at Amazon actually sent me a replacement for free! I was pretty damn shocked, to be sure. I just called home and apparently there is a GPS box waiting for me at home! Now, I am crossing my fingers hoping that the one at home is the FIRST one, and the second one is still on its way.

What would I possibly do with TWO GPS’s, you might ask?

Any damn thing I want! MUHAHAHAHAHAH!

- The Wii has also been repaired. I have to say, for all of you Wii owners out there who might have to go through fixing your unit (hehe.. I said unit) at some point should be pleasantly surprised by their service. They charged me only $75 bucks to fix it, and they paid for the Fed-ex shipping on it. To boot, the total time between me sending it to them and me getting it back was UNDER 1 WEEK! That is truly outstanding customer service. And they even guarantee it for a year like it was bought brand new. Two points for Nintendo!

I had some other things (there I go with “things again”.. way to bring it all full circle!), but I’ll save them for next time.

Saturday, December 06, 2008

Kanye West Is a Moron

I cannot STAND Kanye.

I realize that many people consider him one of the best songwriters/performers of the current day, but I just cannot get past the fact that he is one of the most egotistical jack-offs that I have ever had the displeasure to endure.

He is constantly jumping up on stage at award shows and ranting like a 4 year old when he doesnt win an award that he thinks he should have won, and just last month he compared himself as this generation's Beatles.

Not even close.

The last time I checked, neither Paul, John, George or EVEN Ringo were this unintelligible (which is a pretty damning thing to say, since 2 of them are dead).

My favorite part of the clip below, is seeing just how damn uncomfortable Mike Meyers is, standing next to one of the biggest idiots of our day. I didn't think ANYTHING could get Austin Powers flustered, but here it is.

Watch in astonishment as someone who has made millions on writing and perfoming the written word, can't seem to articulate even one sentence or read from a telepromter during a past Katrina hurricane relief telethon.

I'm sure John Lennon is cringing in his grave.....

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Are You A Bad Girl?

My favorite guilty little pleasure is back!

The third season of The Bad Girls Club premiered last night, and all I have to say is WOO HOO!

Has anyone else ever watched this human train wreck of a show?

Think of it as The Real World on acid. They take 8 “bad girls” and stick them all in a Hollywood mansion for 4 months, taping their every movement as they strip, screw, drink, and beat the crap out of each other. It has GOT to be the least redeeming thing ever put on television.

And I CANNOT get enough.

In last night’s episode, things got off to a real bang as the girls realized that no one had the key to their new mansion, so they did what any normal person would do….. namely break a window and let themselves in. We also got treated to watch as two of the housemates decided that its more fun to be naked, and practically gang-rape the poor repairman who came to fix their window. To top it all off, there have so far been 3 drunken cat fighting brawls between the gals.

And I’ve only watched the first 30 minutes so far.

What REALLY tickles my funny bone is that this show is on the Oxygen channel!

Isn’t that the channel that is supposed to cater to women and empower them to do whatever the hell you women do? I just don’t get why a supposed pro-women’s television channel would put on something that I really should be paying $24.99 a month for, and should be shipped to me in a nondescript brown paper wrapper.

You know, like the ones I always see in Earl’s mailbox.

Anyway, I cannot say that there is ONE redeeming aspect of the show.

But I’m sorry ladies….. seeing hot, drunk, naked, trashy women make out with each other and tear each others clothes off has a certain something that I find appealing to watch.

If THAT’S what you girls have been fighting for all this time, then I’M WITH YOU!

My Tivo aches in anticipation for the rest of the season.

Monday, December 01, 2008

Should I or Shouldn’t I?

I realize that there are certainly bigger problems in the world, but I have been going back and forth on this one for 2 weeks now, so I figured I might as well throw the question out there to all you guys and let you decide for me. After all, all this worrying could add possibly add a wrinkle to my near perfect face.

Then NOBODY wins!

Anyway, if you have been coming here for any amount of time, you know that I am, without question, a technology whore. If the new latest and greatest gadget comes rolling down the assembly line, then I am inevitably the first idiot who runs out and pays way too much so I can call it my own.

I had a DVD player before anyone knew what the hell they were (over 10 years ago now), I bought a beta version of TIVO before they even were really selling any, my computer is constantly being upgraded to keep it bleeding edge… you get the picture.

So, about 5 years ago I decided to take the early plunge into High Definition TV, and got myself a quite sexy 65’’ widescreen TV that I paid a mint for and has been serving me faithfully ever since.

Then this summer, if you recall, I got myself a Playstation 3, so I could begin to upgrade my extensive movie collection to the newer and shinier Blu-Ray.

Here’s my problem…..

Although my TV plays my new Blu-Ray DVD’s fine and dandy, I was dismayed to discover that the picture quality was not really any better than a good “regular” DVD. I’ve tried changing just about every setting known to man, but I still wasn’t seeing true high-definition in my new DVDs.

And then I discovered the problem. Because my TV is now 5 years old, my resolution is only 1080i, while newer TV’s clock in at 1080p. I’m not going to bore you with the specifics, but basically, while both can display high definition, only models with 1080p will show Blu-Ray movies in all their high-def goodness, while MY set will only show it at regular DVD quality.

This simply will not do.

Or will it? Over the past 2 weeks I have literally almost bought 5 brand new televisions. Every time I’m about to pull the trigger, my conscience opens its big fat mouth and tells me that I am being a child for spending so much money when I have a perfectly good TV at home already.

So I leave the store, aggravated that I didn’t buy my new dream set.

And the next day, I pick a different store, and almost buy a new TV all over again.

This has become a vicious cycle that I can’t seem to break.

So I figured, why don’t I just do what I ALWAYS do when I have a tough decision to make?

Namely, let someone else decide for me.

So there you go, guys and girls.... the ball is now in your court.

Do I make myself extremely happy and get myself my new dream TV this week, basically just so I can watch Iron Man flying through the sky in high definition goodness, or do I pretend to be a sensible adult and just live with what I have?

Whatever I decide, it’s gonna be all YOUR fault!