Friday, October 24, 2008

Best. Meeting. Ever!!!


Over the course of my professional life, I have had to take part in A LOT of meetings.

Meetings seem to be the sustenance of managerial existence in corporate America. I’ve had to sit through good meetings, bad meetings, long meeting, short meetings….

…. But today I had the distinct honor of being a part of my weirdest meeting ever.

At 1pm my boss and I got summoned to a 1:30 conference call about some supposed “high profile” project we are a part of. When I asked him for details as to what the meeting was exactly about, he told me he knew nothing yet, except that we were asked to attend by phone.

So at 1:30, we dialed into the conference call, only to find that we had about 30 other people, from all over the country, on the line with us. The person who CALLED the meeting had not yet arrived. No one on the phone seemed to know exactly what the meeting was about.

Finally, the meeting organizer dialed in. Lets call her “Clueless” for the sake of my re-enactment.

Clueless: Hi Everyone. Ok, I just wanted to call a quick meeting to see where we all stood with the CPF project, and to make sure all the needed testing is almost done.

Me: (putting the phone on MUTE). Boss, what is the CPF project?

Boss: I have no fucking clue.

Clueless: Let’s just go person by person on the phone to make sure everyone’s piece is almost complete. Let’s start with Slyde. Slyde? How is it going?

Me: (getting REALLY nervous that I have no clue what im talking about) I’m sorry guys, but we just got called into this meeting 30 minutes ago, and we aren’t quite sure what the CPF project is about, as this is the first we are hearing of it.

Man on Phone #1: (muttering) Thank God!

Clueless: Excuse me? Who said that?

Man on Phone #1: I did. I’m sorry, it’s just that we were all sitting here in my office wondering what the CPF project was as well. This is the first WE are hearing about it also.

Woman on Phone #1: Ok then, it’s not just us. We were dialing in to see if someone could tell us what the CPF project is all about.

Clueless: Are you all serious? This project is slated to go live soon! We have a serious problem here. Could SOMEONE on the line please tell me where they are with the CPF initiative?

Silence ensues for 30 seconds…

Clueless: This is insane! Does anyone on this damn conference call know ANYTHING about the CPF project? Surely there must be SOMEONE working on it? Anyone?

Another 30 seconds of silence follows…

Clueless: NO ONE ON THIS CALL KNOWS ANYTHING ABOUT THIS PROJECT? THIS IS SUPPOSED TO GO LIVE 11/1!!! NO ONE KNOWS ANYTHING ABOUT THIS PROJECT? OR HAS DONE ANY WORK ON IT? I DON’T BELIEVE THIS!!!!!

Me: Clueless, it might help if you could explain to us all what this project IS, exactly.

Clueless: What?

Me: Well, no one here has heard about the CPF project, but maybe we all know it by a different name.

Clueless: Oh.

Me: Could you tell us what the project entails, and maybe we can all get to the bottom of this....

Man on Phone # 1: Yeah, that would be a big help.

Silence

Me: Hello?

Clueless: I’m sorry, everyone. I am going to have to get back to you all on this.

Me: Excuse me?

Clueless: I was tasked with just finding out about the status of this project. I haven’t actually been INVOLVED with it. At this time, I am unable to tell you all exactly what it’s about.

Me: Are you kidding me? This is YOUR meeting! You don’t know what the CPF project is, either?

Clueless: Yeah, I’m sorry about this, guys. I will find out exactly what the CPF project is all about, and get back to you all through email.

Man on Phone # 1: I don’t believe this.

Woman on Phone # 1: Me either.

Clueless: Again, sorry for the mix-up, all. Bye. (Clueless disconnects).

Me: So gang, what do you all want to talk about now?


This, my friends, is the company I work for.

Total time on conference call? 5 minutes.

Memories? Priceless.

31 comments:

Marie said...

Thats pretty good. At least you remembered to attend your conference call today..oops!

dmb5_libra said...

CLASSIC. i definitely would have ended up dropping the f-bomb in there somewhere if it were me.

Sunshine said...

I confess... It was me.. just wanted to hear your voice and picture you in the office next to the phone... (( smoochie smoochie ))

Steph said...

SO glad I'm finally out of the high-corp snake pit...

Paige Stanton said...

Ever seen Office Space? Right... Yeah, so I'm just going to go ahead and send you a memo... If you could get back to me on that, that would great.

honeywine said...

LOL And that cost how much to pull off? Uhhh huh...

B.E. Earl said...

The CPF project is the Carl Perkins Fund.

That man really needs some new blue suede shoes.

Holly Hall said...

SOOO funny!!!

It is so funny Slyde.

Yes, priceless.

But, about the last comment form the last post.

Thank you for changing back the tagline!

It reads and feels better no?

But, my #3 on the list was

3. How about doing apost on the movie Saw and movies of that ilk,like Hostel. I don't understand these movies or where they fit in. But, Mr. Hall is a fan. Finds them funny in that guy kind of way.

ok

rock on!

Holly

Shania said...

You made me remember one reason why I'm glad I'm self employed. Right now, it's one of the very few!

Ali said...

AAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

And THAT'S one of the reasons I am in no way missing my job in the corporate world while I'm on mat-leave!

Most meetings are just called for people to hear themselves talk, and to boss everyone else around.

Biggest waste of time. Ever.

But damn that was funny! High five on calling the tool out :)

teeni said...

LMFAO - That is too funny. But sadly, I think a lot of meetings are like this. LOL

James said...

Ha Slyde that was a classic. Thanks for the laugh.

Slyde said...

marie: you missed your call? bad girl!

dmb: believe me, it almost slipped out.

sunshine: smoochie smoochie right back at ya, sister..

steph: i am envious :)

Slyde said...

paige: OFFICE SPACE was exactly what i was thinking about for the entire meeting

honewine: my boss and i thought about exactly that afterwords.. .we're thinking it cost the company a few grand...

earl: of course! now it all makes sense..

mrs hall: I might oblige your Saw/Hostel list this week if the mood hits me. Ive seen them all, being a horror junkie, but im with you that they are far from my fav..

Slyde said...

shania: do you need a new employee? im ready..

ali: that really wasnt my intention at the onset.. i just couldnt beleive someone would call a meeting about something they didnt know anything about

teeni: gosh i hope not!

james: its what im here for :)

Michelle J said...

Dude, that was me! I am CLUELESS!!! Seriously, i am!

And no fighting between us!! Love ya bro!!!

AlleyCat said...

thankyou. you've cheered me up no end. that. was. bloody. hillarious!

2abes said...

saddest fact remains that this story is not fiction btw, clueless probably got a promotion, a raise and a bonus for the great job that was done.

Slyde said...

michele: love ya right back!

alleycat: it would have been funnier to me if i didnt have to sit thru it...

abes: yes, it WAS true....

Cuz said...

OMG too funny, sounds exactly like my place.........no one knows wtf is going on

Ookami Snow said...

This sounds like something that would happen in The Office.

As I have learned, those shows are more documentary than comedy.

Bruce said...

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, .... I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE that gets sucked into meetings like this. I thought I was just a freak that was being tested by the warped universe, but there ARE others out there that suffer through this with me.

I now know that there are others out there as well that deal with the same level of stupidity that I do!!!

I wonder if most of your co-workers are ex-government employees. They certain sound similar!

Absolutely Hilarious.

Slyde said...

cuz: its scary, isnt it?

ookami: i had the theme of The Office running thru my head the entire time..

bruce: no ex-government workers that i know of, but we work in the HMO industry.... not alot of rocket scientists here either....

Cuz said...

very scary, sometimes 2 people are doing the EXACT same job/report....LOL LOL

Real Live Lesbian said...

And I thought working for the family business was insane! Thanks for the laugh!

po said...

Oh dear oh dear, that is hilarious. But then I have never been involved in a conference call in my life.

Slyde said...

reallive: lol! the family business cant be a picnic either!

po: lucky you!

Bina said...

Holy Moly! SERIOUSLY????

I have ever heard anything so fucked up in my life.

Okay, so yea, I probably have, but in the WORK setting?? This takes the cake.

i am the diva said...

ha, good old 'delegation'...

makes mat leave that much sweeter

GeologyJoe said...

very Dilbert.

Sunny said...

wow, that reminds me of the conferences our company's presindent holds every two weeks.