Monday, September 29, 2008

Math Isn’t My Strong Suit


My son lost his first tooth last week.

It was of course a big thing in our humble abode. We spent the bulk of last week talking about the imminent visit by the Tooth Fairy. He wanted to know all about her.

“What does she look like?”
“How does she get into the house?”
“How much money is she going to leave me?”

On and on and on it went all week, as he wiggled and played with his very loose, front 2 teeth.

Friz and I decided that $5 should be fine and dandy compensation for a baby tooth. After all, when I was a kid (now saying THAT makes me sound like my grandfather), I would get 25 cents under my pillow for a tooth. And I was happy to get it, dagnabbit! Then my Pa and I would go down to Olsen’s Mercantile and churn some butter. Bah!

I’m sorry, for a minute there I was channeling Michael Landon. What was I talking about again?

Oh yeah, my son’s teeth.

So, tooth number one fell out on Thursday, and when he went to bed that night, with said tooth under his pillow, I snuck in and replaced the tooth with a crisp new 5 dollar bill.

The next morning, he was excited as all get out that the Tooth Fairy had visited him. After coming down from his tooth-powered high, he decided to put his newly found money into his piggy bank.

The next day, his second wiggly tooth fell out. That night, again as excited as can be, he placed tooth # 2 under his pillow.

Before I went to bed that night, I grabbed my wallet, only to discover to my horror that I didn’t have a 5 dollar bill to put under his pillow!

What to do? What to do?

Here is where my mathematical deficiencies came into play.

In a fit of genius I thought, “Hey! I have a $10 bill in my wallet! I can open up my son’s piggy bank, take out the $5 that I gave him the night before, replace it with the $10, and then I can use the $5 to put under his pillow tonight!”

And that is EXACTLY what I did.

I Swear, I went to bed that night thinking myself quite crafty for figuring all that out.

It wasn’t until the next morning that the rusty abacus in my head that I call a brain was able to figure out that I just screwed myself out of $10.

In my defense, most people as unbelievably fucking hot as me usually aren’t bright enough to be able to tie their own shoes, let alone complex accounting, so I guess in the end I really am still ridiculously ahead of the game.

But it doesn’t change the fact that today I don’t have money for lunch…..

33 comments:

Sunshine said...

Wow, If I lost a tooth I am coming to your house... quarters work just fine for kids, they like the change anyway , until they get older. Your setting yourself up for a lot of money to be dished out in the future...
By the way: in case you didn't read, Bob left the building! Did you jinx me babe? oxox

Alla said...

Five bucks! Holy crap! I guess even the effin' tooth fairy has to keep up with inflation.

Now that you've set a precedent, you have to think about all of those other teeth, as well as how much you're going to give him for every A he makes, other kids in the future, etc...

Yep, I see a lot of no-lunch days for you in the future. Better buy a case of Cup-A-Soup!

Congrats on the "first tooth"!

Mrs. Hall said...

Wow, that is some impressive improvising.

I thought you said your boy was five. Is that when kids lose their teeth?

If so, the tooth fairy is a little behind in visiting my daugher who is about five.

hmm

Neat story.

Mrs. Hall

Steph Waller said...

That comment from "Alla" (short for Alla Breve) was me, BTW. I forgot that I was signed in under my company account.

Doh!

Chris H said...

Ah Slyde, ya can't add up it seems! Your son had $5 already, you needed to give him another $5, but gave him $10 more... so you were out by $5 not $10! I couldn't help pointing that out! And I am awaiting me card..... it won't cost ya $5! lol. OK, maybe it will..... ?

Chris H said...

Oh and our kids get $2 per tooth, we are mean.

Dr Zibbs said...

I like to give cans of creamed corn. Sounds cheap but have you seen the price of creamed corned lately?

B.E. Earl said...

All I ever got was a swift kick in the ass.

Fucking tooth fairy!

lotus07 said...

In case you are not smart enough to figure this out (you handsome devil), inflation has just raised the cost of a tooth to $7.50.

Geez, I am glad I don't have kids....talk about expensive!

Anndi said...

Well... thank goodness they invented velcro and you can fasten your own shoes.

Louise said...

Here I thought you were going to go BACK into the piggy bank and work it all out, but apparently you prefer to just lose the money...

And $5/tooth???? (Or actualy $7.50!!!!)I give my daugther $1. I'm not letting her near this blog. (Well, I wouldn't anyway, but you get my point.)

I decided after reading comments at Lotus07's place I'd come and check you out. I'm laughing. Hard. I only read two posts (this and the pet peeve one about word verification. I have no idea what the TV show is about), and got one of the best laughs in a long time. I promise not to lurk....most of the time. And THANK YOU for no word verification. I can't read the stupid things, either. I give it 3 shots. If I don't make it, I just forget it.

Sitting in Silence said...

PMSL....I work on the deflation rule....you know 10% depreciation etc...ya suppossed to go down....to $4 bucks 80 ...LMAO

Ruby said...

sho......$5 is a gigantic sum of money for a tooth, nevermind $10!!!! lucky kid!

I had to giggle at your lack of math skill tho......sorry, I'm an auditor, i never have issues with numbers......he he:)

oh and P.S. I'm damn hot too!

Tamara said...

And your kid didn't notice that he suddenyl had a tenner in his piggy bank? Wow... he must take after his dad in the numbers department ;-)

Slyde said...

sunshine: yes, i know, im setting a bad precedent... he's worth it..

steph: now i have access to your company account! MUHAHAHAAHAHAH!

mrs hall: i guess its about the right age.. he turns 6 next month...

chrisH: yeah yeah.. as soon as i wrote that i realized my error....

Slyde said...

drzibbs: in this economy? creamed corn might just be the way to go!

earl: yeah, thats what I'D do to you too..

lotus: with the price of gold going down, maybe teeth are the better investment..

anndi: see? now that sounds like you just took a shot at me..

Slyde said...

louise: welcome! always good to hear about a fellow word ver hater!

sitting: yeah, but then i have to keep all that change from falling under his bed..

ruby: in my defense, i'm usually better with my money than that.. i just kinda panicked, is all.

tamara: he hasnt OPENED his piggy bank yet, sillypants... i figured i'd cross that bridge when i got to it..

Cuz said...

it must run in the family because i am not good at math either and had to read your blog 2x before i got it....LOL LOL

Marie said...

Wow that is great I just snorted I laughed so hard.

My *ahem* FRIEND..NOT ME..gave their child a $20 because it was really dark in the room and they thought it was a $5.

That "friend" was left with a $5 only which she had to give to said kiddo for lunch and snack money.

Slyde said...

cuz: that actually sounds WORSE than me!

marie: wow, at least my EYESIGHT is ok! :)

Michelle J said...

Slyde, i'm not going to agree with everybody that $5 is too much! It isn't! BUT, dude you can't add! That is why i keep a calculator near me at al times. No need to actually hmm, use your brain for a change!!!

Michelle

Ali said...

Um...I think I shall do a post myself about the tooth fairy visits I got...I'm thinking by the rest of the comments that I was a wee bit spoiled...

But yes honey - you were only out by $5, hehe - and I suck at math too :)

honeywine said...

If only you could convince him to prepay the braces!

latindog said...

The simple solution -- sneak back in and swipe the $10 from the piggy bank before your son opens it and finds the windfall.

If he actually remembers putting in five in the first place when he opens it, it will also make more sense for him to see the five.

We give a buck per tooth, I think.

2abes said...

Quite generous, how many teeth do kids have? You'll need to get a second job

Slyde said...

michele: i plan on grafting a calculator to my forearm..

ali: dont tell me... $20? a new car? fess up!

honey: that would SURE be nice....

latin: i thought of that, of course, but it just felt like stealing to me... im just gonna chalk this up to my stupidity, which i do alot...

abes: no, thats where uncle george will come through...

Ali said...

I'm posting about it today :)

Slyde said...

ali: im ready!

mr zig said...

Oh man, I would knock out a tooth to get 5 bucks from the tooth fairy!

Slyde said...

mrzig: i know, me too. Like i said, i used to get a quarter...

AlleyCat said...

Gold!

Bina said...

Ah Ha Ha Ha! That is so freaking funny. And it's amazing that our kids teeth are falling out in the same month!

When my oldest daughter lost her first tooth, I put a $5 under her pillow. My then husband didn't know I did so he put one under her pillow, too. Yea, she expected $10 every time she lost a tooth and we kept having to tell her you only get the $10 on the FIRST tooth falling out!

Slyde said...

alley: thanks!

bina: 10 bucks a tooth would bankrupt me!