Monday, September 29, 2008

Math Isn’t My Strong Suit

My son lost his first tooth last week.

It was of course a big thing in our humble abode. We spent the bulk of last week talking about the imminent visit by the Tooth Fairy. He wanted to know all about her.

“What does she look like?”
“How does she get into the house?”
“How much money is she going to leave me?”

On and on and on it went all week, as he wiggled and played with his very loose, front 2 teeth.

Friz and I decided that $5 should be fine and dandy compensation for a baby tooth. After all, when I was a kid (now saying THAT makes me sound like my grandfather), I would get 25 cents under my pillow for a tooth. And I was happy to get it, dagnabbit! Then my Pa and I would go down to Olsen’s Mercantile and churn some butter. Bah!

I’m sorry, for a minute there I was channeling Michael Landon. What was I talking about again?

Oh yeah, my son’s teeth.

So, tooth number one fell out on Thursday, and when he went to bed that night, with said tooth under his pillow, I snuck in and replaced the tooth with a crisp new 5 dollar bill.

The next morning, he was excited as all get out that the Tooth Fairy had visited him. After coming down from his tooth-powered high, he decided to put his newly found money into his piggy bank.

The next day, his second wiggly tooth fell out. That night, again as excited as can be, he placed tooth # 2 under his pillow.

Before I went to bed that night, I grabbed my wallet, only to discover to my horror that I didn’t have a 5 dollar bill to put under his pillow!

What to do? What to do?

Here is where my mathematical deficiencies came into play.

In a fit of genius I thought, “Hey! I have a $10 bill in my wallet! I can open up my son’s piggy bank, take out the $5 that I gave him the night before, replace it with the $10, and then I can use the $5 to put under his pillow tonight!”

And that is EXACTLY what I did.

I Swear, I went to bed that night thinking myself quite crafty for figuring all that out.

It wasn’t until the next morning that the rusty abacus in my head that I call a brain was able to figure out that I just screwed myself out of $10.

In my defense, most people as unbelievably fucking hot as me usually aren’t bright enough to be able to tie their own shoes, let alone complex accounting, so I guess in the end I really am still ridiculously ahead of the game.

But it doesn’t change the fact that today I don’t have money for lunch…..

Friday, September 26, 2008


Is anyone else watching this?

In the span of one week, this has quickly become one of my favorite shows of the year.

And the funny thing is, that I fought off watching this show all through last season when it first started airing on Showtime. I felt it was just a retread of one of my favorite TV shows of all time.

Back in the late 80’s/early 90’s, before HBO hit it big with shows like the Sopranos and Sex in the City, HBO took a chance on a little show called Dream On. Dream On revolved around the life of Martin Tupper, a failed author living in New York City, trying to put his life back together after his wife leaves him for another man. The fact that he was trying to find himself by sleeping with every gorgeous woman in NYC was just a bonus.

Dream On was raunchy, smartly written, and funny as Hell (and they showed a lot of boobies). It ran for five seasons on HBO before, at the height of their ratings, they decided to pack it in. For some reason, HBO doesn’t show the reruns, but I have every episode lovingly taped off of my old VCR (oddly, only seasons 1 and 2 have ever come out on DVD).

So when I heard of Showtime’s new show Californication last year, starring David Duchovny, I was curious as to what the show was about.

Wanna take a guess?

Duchovny plays a failed author living in CALIFORNIA, trying to put his life back together after his wife leaves him for another man, by sleeping with every gorgeous woman in L.A.

It’s not the first time Showtime has done something like this. They seem to have made a career out of watching HBO shows, and making their own versions of them. HBO’s Sopranos became Showtime’s Brotherhood. Sex In The City became “The L Word” and “Queer as Folk”, Six Feet Under became Dead Like Me, Curb Your Enthusiasm became that dreadful Chris Isaak comedy…

You get the idea… I could go on.

But I’m not here to talk about how unoriginal Showtime’s programming can be.

I’m here to tell you that they got something right.

A friend, who has been demanding me to at least TRY Californication, last week supplied me with the entire first season on DVD. I didn’t have anything else to watch this weekend, so on a whim, I gave it a try.

In a word, it was OUTSTANDING!

I watched the first episode, and was impressed. I then let Friz watch it, and she loved it even more than I did. We kept on watching episode after episode like addicts, until we finished the entire season last night.

I can’t say enough good things about this show. I was a huge X-Files fan, but Duchovny has NEVER been cooler than he is on this show. And he is laugh-out-loud HYSTERICAL! Duchovny won an Emmy for his role in Californication last year, but EVERYONE in this cast deserved one.

Now, my dilemma: Season 2 starts this weekend (along with the equally awesome Dexter), but I DON’T currently get Showtime at home.

What to do? What to do?

I am notoriously weak-willed with these kinds of things. Odds are that I’ll be making a call to Cablevision sometime tonight.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Slydes Pet Peeve # 3 - Xflurgimackbiffle

Wow, I just checked my archives, and it’s been a dogs age since I did my last pet peeve post, which is pretty funny since I had INTENDED to make this a regular feature way back when.

Maybe my life has just been so fun and problem-free for me lately that absolutely nothing has gotten under my skin for awhile?

No, that’s definitely not it.

Well, no matter.

Good people of the cyberverse, I come to you today to beseech you all to help me stamp out my current pet peeve:

Word Verifications

If you have ever commented on a story here at Slydesblog (and if you haven’t, then you are a filthy lurker… Shame on you!), you know that all you have to do is to type your witty and insightful comment, click submit, and before you can blink, your post appears under the story for the world (nay, the universe!) to read.

Isn’t that nice and easy?

The problem is, on SOME blogs (not naming names… YET!), the owners want to ensure that I am not an automated robot spamming the blogs of the cyberverse trying to post Viagra ads or links to Gay Gorilla Porn, so before you can post, the owners make you go through an extra step… the dreaded Word Verification.

You know what I’m talking about.

How many times has this happened to you:

You read a story on a blog and you say to yourself, “Self, I have something to say about that! I think I’ll comment on this article!”.

So you type your comment, and then are greeted with a little box filled with letters that looks like something you might find on your computer screen after you fall asleep at 3 A.M., high as a kite while trying to Google pictures of lesbian midgets (hypothetically, of course… I mean who would actually DO that? That’s sick! Not me, that’s for sure! That’s just an example, people! Move on please…)

So before I can leave my comment, I’m forced to type in eqwoiefwohiefwhoifqewjew or else my comment won’t be posted.

So I sit there like a first grader trying to make heads or tails out of each letter.

“Is that a Q or a G?”
“Is that an I or a 1?”
“Is that a W or 2 V’s?”

So I am forced to hunt and peck out 20 letters, only to hit submit and find out that I must have mistyped something. Apparently that q really WAS a g!

Seriously, people… Are we working in such a high stakes environment here that we NEED this level of security on our blogs? It just serves to make me punch my fist through the screen, and I simply CANNOT afford another new monitor (again).

If it makes you feel any better, you can rest easy in knowing that if you take word verification off of your site, you will NOT be inundated with emails about porn (mmmm, porn). I have never used word verification here, and I have had nary a nefarious post.

So, that’s my pitch, fellow bloggers.

Please, for the love of all that’s good in the cyberworld, say NO to word verification, and help me keep my sanity.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Speech! Speech!

I dont remember which one of you little scamps had asked me what Friz said exactly in her speech/limerick to me on my surprise Birthday Party last week, but as I was cleaning up yesterday (studly AND domesticated... thats me!), I happened upon a piece of paper.

Guess what? The aforementioned slip of paper actually contained a draft of her speech.

I figured I might as well put it up here for posterity, as well as to satisfy all the thousands of people who wanted desperately to attend the party, but weren't cool enough to actually warrant an invite. All you poor souls can now read along, close their eyes, and imagine that they were there.

So, without any more delay, here it be:

When I first saw him I thought, "Oh wow, I could adore him!"

Then I said, "but the height might not be right"

So then me and my friend saw him in the gym and she said, "Will ya freaking LOOK at him!!"

"Look at his body... he's a real hotty!"
"Look at his face!". She wouldn't get off my case.

So i said, "Oh rats, I'll just wear flats!"

All it took was one elevator ride for me to decide that this could be right,
and that we should go out one night.

So I got home and said to my mother with a smirk,
"I met this cute guy at work!"

"I told her he looks like that man who can act, Armond Asanti, and that is a fact."

"Seems a bit shy, but he's a real nice guy."

We went out one Fall night,
and I knew this was right,
because I did not want him out of my sight.

So I told my best friend about him and she said "That guy? But why?"

She consulted with her hubby and he said "Oh Andy, He's just fine and dandy"
"But he's just like me... he just ain't handy."

One things for sure, he's not always quiet,
for when he tells a story, he sure is a riot.

We all know he's not into sports,
he'd much rather play a game with an unusual name.

As you can see we DID get married,
and are as happy as can be.

We have our son Joey who he loves with all his heart,
and with him as his dad he's off to a great start.

So now he is 40 and doesnt look his age,
as this is just a new page.

He caught up to me and now we can say he is older,
but I will still be bolder.

So in the end I am glad that I met him.
He is alright, and we sure are tight.

Happy 40th!

Wasn't that sweet? I think I just might keep her.

Makes me feel a tad guilty that, last year, on HER 40th surprise party, I basically stood up and mumbled to the crowd, "Thanks for comming, everyone", before I quickly sat my ass back down.
Hey, it's the THOUGHT that counts, isn't it?

Friday, September 19, 2008

Dream Analysis, Please

Ok, last night I have once again had a dream that, when I woke up, made me loudly proclaim, “What the fuck was THAT all about?”

Anyone out there who can dissect this one for me and tell me what it means will get a long, wet sloppy kiss from me.

Which really IS a GREAT prize.

Because I’m so damn hot, you see.

What was I talking about again? Oh yeah, my dream.

Anyway, I dreamt that I had decided to try out for American Idol.

In the dream, I had figured I was a shoe-in because I was good friends with Simon Cowell.

I knew that I had to have a song ready, so on the way to the audition I bought a book of songs, figuring that while I was waiting for my name to be called, I could leaf through the book, and quickly memorize something that I could sing in front of the judges.

When I got to the audition hall, I ran into Simon, who told me that it wouldn’t be fair for him to judge me since we were best friends, and he was going to sit it out and just let Paula and Randy judge.

Then he asked me what song I was going to sing, and when I told him that I hadn’t picked one out yet, he started yelling at me, saying that I was going to waste everyone’s time by not being prepared, and that he pulled a lot of strings to get me this audition, yadda yadda yadda.

So, I whip out my song book and tell Simon that it’s not a problem…. I can pick a song from the book right now and memorize it quickly. So I open the book, only to find that I must have purchased the wrong one. In my hands is NOT a book of songs, but a White Pages phone book!

So, now I’m panicking.

The only song that I know by heart that I can think of is “Row Row Row Your Boat”, but I think to myself that I CAN’T fucking sing that! I would never live it down! I told all my family and friends that I was trying out, and if I tried to pull that Row Your Boat shit you just KNOW they would air it and I’d never ever live it down.

So now I’m panicking even more, when suddenly Simon walks over to me and tells me, “It’s time. You’re on!”

Then my alarm went off.

I DO realize that this dream is a very gay variant of the “Oh no! Its time for my final exam and I haven’t studied yet” dream that so many of us have….

But why American Idol? Why Simon, of all people?

This dream has had me scratching my head all morning.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Television Eats My Soul

If you’ve come here for any amount of time, then you will know that I am a shamefaced TV buff.

Even WORSE, I am a Reality TV fanatic. I watch more and more of it each year, and I hate myself for it. I know it is pointless, self-serving television with NO redeeming value, yet I can’t seem to stop myself from tuning in, week after week.

Anyway, the 2008 season got underway 2 weeks ago, and I figured it might be interesting to tell you all what I’m currently watching each day of the week, and why.

True Blood – Didn’t I just tell you guys last week that this show sucked? Didn’t I JUST say that I was going to give it one more week before deleting it from my Tivo? Well, I watched it again last week, fully prepared to hate it, and I have to begrudgingly admit, I kinda liked it. LEAGUES better than the premier episode. And I thought the ending was good and creepy. The episode was good enough that I have to give it a stay of execution, and tune in again next week to see if it continues to make the cut.

P.S. I think I want to bang Anna Paquin.

Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles – Last year this show was hit or miss, but I thought that last week’s premier was really good, and this week didn’t disappoint either. This show was on my “cancel” bubble all of last season, but so far this year I am enjoying it. If you are a fan of the Terminator universe as I am, you MIGHT want to avoid it, as they are mucking with much of the history of the movies, but if you can cut them some slack, you will have some fun with it.

P.S. I want to have a hot steamy threesome with Summer Glau and Lena Headey.

Prison Break – Been watching it from Season 1, and have loved every minute of it. Each season they basically reinvent the show, and make it something different than what came before, and this year is certainly no different. I’ll watch this show until the bitter end.

P.S. I need to have sexual relations with the chick who plays Gretchen.

Fringe – I’m sorry, but I am just not feeling this show at all. I loved the X-files with a geeky passion, but the much-hyped premier of this show left me completely underwhelmed, as did last night’s second episode. I’m giving this show 1 more week to “WOW” me, else it’s history.

P.S. I need to have a naughty sleepover with the chick on this show.

Real World/Road Rules Challenge – Basically Survivor, but culled from the hottest people from past seasons of all MTV’s reality shows. Plus, they give the 30 contestants a beautiful mansion on the beach stocked with booze to live in, instead of a dirty tent and a bag of rice, so all the chicks always look their best and are continually drunk. Nightly drunken orgies are commonplace.

P.S. I want to sleep with just about EVERYONE on this show.

Nothing. Sweet nothingless, bliss.

Politically Incorrect – I’m ashamed to say that this is pretty much where any knowledge I have of world events comes from. Bill Mahr can be either a prophet, or a dick, depending on which night you watch him.

P.S. I’ve decided that I do not want to have sex with Bill Mahr.

Saturday Night Live – I haven’t missed an episode in about 10 years, and I have no fucking clue why. For every skit that makes me laugh, there are about 50 others that I could have written in my sleep. But I’ve watched it from the very first season (when I was way too young to be doing so), and watching a taped episode of SNL on Sunday morning has been a ritual of mine for about 20 years now.

P.S. I would very much like to impregnate Kristin Wiig.

Of course, the fall season hasn’t really even gotten underway yet. In the next few weeks, I’ll be adding Survivor, Amazing Race, The Bad Girls Club, The Real World, and Dexter to my watch-list. Then of course winter brings me American Idol, the Apprentice, Lost, Battlestar Gallactica and 24.

My God, when I write it all out like that, it makes me ashamed to draw breath.

Monday, September 15, 2008


Some of you may remember that I recently turned 40.

For a few months now, I have been worried that Friz was going to plan a surprise party for me, as she did for me on my 30th.

If you read my birthday post, you might have gleamed from it that I have a small problem with getting older, and I’ve been dreading 40 all Summer. I have made repeated pleas to her, throughout the summer, asking her specifically to NOT throw a surprise party for me this year. She ASSURED me every time that we were NOT having a party for my 40th, and since my actual birthday was over 2 weeks ago now, I had finally believed myself to be safe.

Hey, guess what happened to me on Saturday?

Yup, she got me. Two weeks late just to make me feel safe, but she got me.

On Saturday, we were supposed to be going out to an early dinner with her in-laws at a local restaurant.

Imagine my surprise when I walked in, only to be slammed in the face with about 50 of my closest friends and family…..

…. and Earl.

Although you might be surprised by my cyber-ego, I actually find it a bit unnerving to be the center of attention of so many. But in the end, I didn’t explode or spontaneously combust, and I actually had a very fun time.

Friz wrote a saucy poem that she read to the group, which got a fair share of laughs, mostly at my expense. One of my oldest friends that I hadn’t seen in ages was there, as was my niece, who drove all night from college just to make it.

In short, it was nice.

Funniest part of the event: When I walked in, looked around and realized what the Hell was happening, I stared at Earl for a good 5 minutes before I realized exactly who the fuck he was. We always joke that, about every 5 years or so, Earl completely changes his look (unlike me… my studly look is timeless), but it’s completely true. I hadn’t seen him in about 6 months, and his new “Big Lebowski” look completely threw me for a loop. I kept asking myself, “Who’s date it that? Who the hell IS that guy?”

After the festivities, a group of us went out to continue the drinking and merriment at a friend’s house. Whenever the group of us gets together (rare) and alcohol is involved, it tends to get a little out of hand. Let’s just say that, from now on, the next time a sexy woman shoves a 2 foot rubber double dildo down my pants, it’s probably best to call it a night.

Lesson Learned!

At any rate, I’ll try to get some pictures up in the next week or so (I didn’t take any, but my double dildoed friend sure did, and she promised to email me some).

So in the end, 39 went out like a lion after all, and I proved (at least to myself) that I can still party as stupidly as I did when I was 21, and I have some truly kick-ass friends and family.

In the end, that’s not a bad lesson to have learned after all

Friday, September 12, 2008

Charlie Bit Me

Lately, the only videos i have been putting up seem to be stuff that has been virally floating around the Internet for weeks now, but you know what? i don't really care. I've been meaning to put this up for awhile now, and my lazy ass just decided to finally get to it.

I'm not sure exactly what it is about this video that makes me like it so much, but if i had to take a stab at it, I'd say it HAS to be the wickedly evil look that Charlie gives the camera at the end.

Oh yeah, I have a feeling that little Charlie is gonna be a big handful as he gets older.

Pretty cute, right?

The funny thing is, much like most of these viral videos that go screaming around the web like wildfire, its usually only a matter of time before people start making parody videos of the original.

Hey, here's a parody video of "Charlie Bit Me" (slick segue, right?).

I should point out, that the parody is not "quite" as cute and wholesome as the original.

Damn funny, though.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Current Addictions

Well, good news for you guys!

I was all set today to tell the spine-tingling story of how I was attacked by a cricket last night, or my son’s first day of school, but as luck would have it, you have all just been saved from that drivel by the lovely and talented Caz, who just tagged me with an interesting meme.

The task set upon me for today is to discuss 5 of my current addictions. I’m sure if I thought hard about it, I’d have more than 5, but here are the first 5 that come to my mind. These are in no particular order… it’s just a list of 5 things that I am fairly obsessed with.

1) Grand Theft Auto 4 – Damn this game is eating up a lot of my nights. What a totally evil, addicting sickness this game is! I bought my Playstation 3 over the summer so I could finally start my Blu-Ray collection, and NOT for playing games. Well, its been 3 months and the only Blu-Ray movie I have is Rambo which is the one I bought when I got the PS3. No, instead of movie watching, the bulk of my free time has been spent stealing, killing, and robbing everything in sight in GTA4. The game really is a marvel. Any video game that lets me hang out for hours at a strip club and get virtual lap dances is ok in my book.

2) A Song of Ice and Fire – Has anyone read these books? If you haven’t, you should. George R.R. Martin’s tale of nobility, treachery and war set in the backdrop of a medieval/fantasy setting is one of the best series I have ever read. I have become obsessed with these books, and have vowed to read them all, back to back before I read anything else (I’m currently halfway through book 2, “A Clash of Kings”).

Interesting side note: George R.R. Martin, while a great writer, is an asshole. As many of you know, I don’t actually ‘read’ much anymore, preferring to listen to audio books off my Ipod. Well, when I discovered my local library didn’t carry these books on audio, I decided to write the author himself to see if he could direct me where I might purchase them. To my surprise, he quickly responded and gave me a link to a site where I could buy them. I clicked on the link, only to discover that the cds were selling for $175 each! They were listed as a collector’s edition (whatever the hell THAT means for an audio cd). No way I was going to spend over $600 to read 4 books!

When I wrote Mr. Martin back and asked if he knew of a site where I could purchase just a regular copy of his books (a typical audio book sells for about $30-$40), he wrote back:
“Sorry… I just writes em, I don’t sells em! Guess you’re on your own!”.

So, at that point, pretty peeved, I wrote back:

“Well, I don’t buys them, I just pirates them! Thanks for being a smarmy jackass. You just made my decision to steal your book much easier. Bye!”

He’s a pompous ass, but damn does he write a good book.

3) Internet Porn – I’m not sure if you guys realize this, but apparently the World Wide Web is a pretty good place to watch pornography.

Lately, I think I’ve been partaking of this vice a tad too much. It’s just so easy… and it’s free! Anything you could ever dream up is only a few clicks away. Threesomes? Check! Lesbians? Check! Skydiving Orgies? Check, check and check! It’s all there!

I may need to join David David Duchovny in his sex addiction classes.

4) Alfred Hitchcock – I’ve always been a fan of the man’s work, but last spring I decided to plug Hitchcock into my TIVO and start recording everything he’s ever done.

This man was amazing! Aside from the old classics that everyone knows (Psycho, The Birds, North by Northwest, etc) the man made DOZENS of other movies that I had never even heard of. Rope, Number Seventeen, Jamaica Inn, as well as about 50 others, and so far I’ve loved them all.

5) My son РNo matter how corny or clich̩ it sounds, my little one is the absolute light of my life. Even though there are days when I want to just staple his pants to a chair, no other creature on earth amuses or entertains me more, and lightens my heart after a hard day.

Our current “thing” is for me to lay in bed with him at bedtime and read him a story. At first, the stories were nothing more than some nursery rhymes or some Dr. Suess stuff. Over time, we have graduated into bigger and bigger books. The ones we are reading now, “The Magic Tree House” Series, is taking its toll on my voice each night as each book clocks in at about 120 pages!

I could care less. I’d read 1,000 pages to him each night if it meant I got to sit there and see that big smile on his face while I read to him. I feed off of his innocence and unquestioned love like an addict, soak it all in and come back for more. He is my anchor and my grounding force.


Anyway, that's it. I realize it's not often that I compose a list that encompasses my love of both my son, and rampant pornography, so enjoy it for what it is.

I always hate tagging people, but since he hates BEING tagged, lets tag Earl.

p.s. Yes, the banner pic is my little mini-me, taken a while back. I wonder where he gets his big ego from?

Monday, September 08, 2008

Vampires Suck

I thought I’d post today to express my huge disappointment after watching HBO’s new Alan Ball-scripted series, True Blood last night.

First off, a bit of a history lesson:

Anyone who has come here for any length of time knows that I LOVES me some vampires. I love ALL horror, but if I had to pick a top three they would be (in order): Zombies, Werewolves, Vampires. But hey….. 3rd place isn’t so bad. I’ve read almost all of the Anne Rice books (until they just got too damn weird for me). Plus, when I was 14 I once let my fingernails grow long and then cut them into points (but now that I think about it, that was probably more a ‘werewolf’ thing… not to mention fucking creepy.)

Also, I think Alan Ball is one of the best writers today. His work on the 6 seasons of Six Feet Under cemented him in my mind as the BEST person today in Hollywood who can write complex, adult characters for TV. I adored SFU, and I’ve said it before here but I’ll say it again: The final episode of Six Feet Under was hands down the BEST SERIES FINALE OF ANY SHOW I HAVE EVER WATCHED. Nothing else even comes close. It left me breathless and unable to sleep, thinking about it until the wee hours of the morning.

In short, I like vampire stories, and I like Alan Ball.

So, when I had heard over a year ago that Mr. Ball was writing a new show for HBO that revolved around vampires, I nearly pooped my pants with glee. Usually when I poop my pants, it’s with shame and disgust, but not this time.

I’ve been reading up on True Blood’s development during the course of the past year, and I have been counting down the days until it was to premier, which was last night.

What a disappointment it was for me.

First off, I’m not thrilled with the premise. Vampires are not the creepy dudes hiding in anonymity that we are used to. In True Blood’s world, a Japanese company has developed a soft drink that simulates blood, so now vamps don’t have to kill people. They can just run to the local supermarket and pick up a 6-pack. Seriously. Vampires are presented as a new minority trying to fit into our bigoted society. Interesting, but NOT what I want out of my vampire stories.

As much as I’m not thrilled with the premise, I could have lived with it if Mr. Ball’s writing was up to his usual snuff. Where are the adult themes? Where are the complex characters and witty dialogue? It’s not here, that’s for sure.

No, in True Blood, Mr. Ball tries to make the whole affair a dark comedy of sorts, and fails miserably. Every character is a stereotype, and written as so stupid and silly that the dialogue reminded me more of an episode of the much-despised Desperate Housewives than a typical Alan Ball project. Really. If DH is your cup of tea, then you will convulse with glee over this show.

Friz bailed out after 30 minutes, preferring to go to sleep over wanting to see how the first episode ended. I should have done the same.

I am not ready to abandon all the respect I have accumulated for Alan Ball’s writing over one shit episode, however. I will commit myself to one more show, to which I had better see some BIG damn improvement, or else my Sunday night tv schedule will lighten up considerably.

Don’t fail me, Alan Ball.

p.s. As I was writing this, the curvaceous and trampy EARL wrote a positively GLOWING review of this very same show, while myself as well as just about every damn newspaper in the country wrote about how much it failed.. Please you guys…. Set him straight and help me convince him that it blew chunks!

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Son of a.....

Wow, I should post about getting old EVERY day! Thanks to all you sexy people for the warm thoughts and birthday tidings. They warmed the cockles of my heart. Actually they didn’t, but I just liked writing cockles.

Anyway, sorry for being AWOL this week, but between the weekend, my birthday, and the Labor Day holiday, I took a little break away from the computer to enjoy my last remaining days of the Summer, not to mention being in my 30’s. I even took the past 2 days off work, which is the REAL reason why I haven’t posted, since I do all my blogging on company time.

Anyway, how was the big day?

In a word: Uneventful.

It was the strangest thing. I woke up Tuesday, looked in the mirror, and I didn’t look the least bit different. I’m still devilishly handsome, and my abs were still as rock hard as they were the night before.

Also, I’m apparently still in control of my bowels since I didn’t poop my shorts in the middle of the night. My teeth are still intact, and I still seem to have the libido and sexual stamina of a young Colt, so being 40 hasn’t affected me too much so far.

Honestly, it really DID bother me. I sat up on the night of September 1st, literally watching the clock for the last 30 minutes of the day, not wanting to see it hit midnight.

Then the strangest thing happened: The clock DID finally turn midnight, and I didn’t feel any different.

Anyway, on Monday I went out to Captree State park here on Long Island for a Labor Day/Birthday party with a boatload of my friends.

It was a beautiful day, filled with beach-going, cookouts, fishing, and more alcohol than I can apparently handle.

Case in point:

At one point during the day, I was sitting on a beach chair, completely blitzed out of my mind. To the right of me there lay a beach bag containing some spare clothes and blankets and whatnot, and to the left of me lay a cooler filled to the brim with ice water and beer.

So, when everyone decided to take a dip in the ocean, does anyone wanna guess where, in a fit of drunken idiocy, I decided to place my wallet and cell phone?

If you guessed, “The beach bag”, then you don’t apparently know me very fucking well.

No, in my near catatonic state I apparently thought it the better decision to place my wallet and cell phone into the beer cooler.

Surprisingly, wallets and cell phones don’t like being submerged in freezing water for 3 hours.

So, I spent the better part of my birthday using a hair dryer on my credit cards and money. The cell phone, I fear, is toast. This will piss me off to no end, since I have some pictures of my grandfather on there that I have been meaning for a dog’s age to download, but just never did. If I lose those pictures, I will NOT be a happy 40 year old.

I left the phone out in the hot sun for the past 2 days, and it seems to KINDA work once in a while now, but I think for the most part, it’s done.

Which royally pisses me off. I LOVE my phone. It was $200 worth of Bluetooth, voice-recognitioned, GPS goodness. Sniff.

So, tomorrow I guess I will be fulfilling my prediction of going out and buying something expensive for my birthday after all.

This was NOT exactly what I had in mind.