Wednesday, August 13, 2008

On The Fence

About 2 years ago, I woke up, bright eyed and bushy-tailed one morning, and headed downstairs to get me some morning Orange Juice.

My good-time, happy feeling came to an abrupt fucking halt as soon as I looked out the window to see that, during the night, someone had knocked out a dozen of the planks on my band new PVC fence!

Have you heard about this crap? The latest thing for juvenile delinquents to do for kicks, is to have one moron throw another moron into a pvc fence, so they can see how much of it they can knock down. They even have a name for it, which I can’t remember for the life of me. I want to say it’s called “Rick-Rolling”, but we all know THAT can’t be right. Maybe fence-rolling? Whatever it is, you can watch about a hundred jack-offs doing it all over Youtube. (Educational edit: I finally remembered the name. They call it "Fence Plowing")

Anyway, when this happened 2 years ago, I went outside, manly man that I am, in an effort to put the planks back in and fix the fence myself.

Cut to 2 hours (and about 1,000 curse words later), when I realized that I had NO DAMN CLUE how to get the boards back in, without taking the whole damn fence down.

So, upon conceding my lack on handy-ness, I called the fence company to fix it. They informed me that they get about 5 calls like mine a day, and they’d be right over to fix it.

It took them about 15 minutes to fix my fence. Then I got charged $125.

Now I was pissed off all over again.

Anyway, I watched them repair the fence, and was pretty confident that I could do it myself if it ever happened again.

Hey guys, guess what happened last night?

Yup, my local neighborhood ass-hats must finally be done laughing at the destruction they bestowed upon me 2 years ago, because last night they came back for a repeat performance.

So, yesterday I trudged outside with my ladder and tools, trying to convince myself that someone as good-looking as myself actually CAN be handy around the house.

I didn’t care if I had to build the new fence with toilet paper and masking tape, I was DAMNED if I was going to spend another 100 bucks to get it fixed again.

So, for the next hour, in full view of my neighbors, I cursed up a blue streak on my front lawn as I tried to get the damn fence back together again.

And, do you know what? For once, a story about me trying to fix something around the house has a happy ending. I fixed the damnable thing with only minor injuries to my arm, and to my pride.

Take THAT, you hooligans! You young whipper-snappers better not come around here anymore, or I’ll call the cops on ya!

Kids, these days...

33 comments:

Bina said...

I have NEVER heard of this, but in my neighborhood, almost everyone's fences are connected so I guess they can't knock mine down. And if they did, they would do me a favor, cause I want to expand the back part anyway! LOL

HOWEVER, mine is a wooden privacy fence, not that expensive stuff you have!

You handsome handy man you!

B.E. Earl said...

Sounds like you need a motion-detected camera with night vision to catch me, er, the perps.

Good luck.

Slyde said...

bina: yeah, the stuff IS expensive... if i ever catch those kids im gonna skin em alive!

earl: i KNEW it! Actually, i am looking to put a motion-detecting light installed over on that side of the house...

Steph said...

Three words: Big . Assed . Dog

Fuckerheads

Sunshine said...

forget about the motion detecting light... go for the electrical charge... turn it on at night and then in the morning you can see which kid in the area has no hair or at least burn marks on his A$$

Chris H said...

The little arsewipes! Well done on fixing the fence yourself... you should have taken a photo as proof of your HANDINESS.

Charmaine said...

I say get a dog. A big nasty dog. At least you will know when those little bastards return.

Motion detecor light sounds good too.

This is war, man.

honeywine said...

Well look at you with you bad handy man self! You go handy manny! lol

teeni said...

Wow! So you ARE handy after all!! It just takes some ignorant hoodlums to get you going enough to find that out. You want to plant some poison ivy on that fence to deter the little jerks? I can arrange that for you. ;)

sweets said...

stupid kids!... how about a stakeout to catch them in the act?

sleepyjane said...

I'd be furious! And I agree with sweets I'd probably organize a stakeout for the next week or so. I'm weird like that.

BUT yay on fixing it!! :)

Linda and her Surroundings said...

How interesting - PVC fence. So, you never have to paint it. You just have to put it back together every second weekend.

2abes said...

ahhhh, the fine sport of fence plowing...you gotta catch these little bastards or put a large heavy object on the other side of the fence

Ruby said...

I'm sorry dude...that was me 2 years ago when i made a visit to the US....this time i'm innocent tho......he he;)

Slyde said...

steph: yeah, i'd love to get one. Maybe one day.

sunshine: i always like the way you think...

chris H: you know, i almost DID go out to get my camera...

Slyde said...

charmaine: i agree.. will you be my secretary of defense?

honey: ah, now if only i had mandy's talking tools....

teeni: poison ivy? now theres an idea i havent heard yet... i like it!

Slyde said...

sweets: i'd LOVE to, but that would involve me actually staying up...

sleepy: i just dont know if i could manage it.. i'd love to catch em tho..

linda: yup, and put a hose on it once in a while..

Slyde said...

abes: or maybe i could just shoot them...

Slyde said...

ruby: i KNEW IT! I have your fingerprints on file now, buster...!

p.s. you once again posted while i was answering the other posts, and almost missed your post again.. how do you keep doing that?

Cuz said...

Kids these days are truly IDIOTS.

How about the motion detector lights or something???

Cuz said...

Kids these days are truly IDIOTS.

How about the motion detector lights or something???

Ruby said...

My timing is impeccable;)

Slyde said...

cuz: you must really feel strongly about motion detectors..

ruby: seems like it!

lotus07 said...

I think you are missing the entire lesson here. The point is....don't put up fences.

(here in Arizona, we prefer land mines)

2abes said...

still on the fence???

Lesley said...

Ok, so the thought of your struggle with the fence fixing made me laugh.. Why? Because I would have gone crazy also and the neighbours would have been sitting inside watching me laughing their heads off simply because of my not so calm way of fixing things..

I commend you on your fine fence fixing skills and do hope that when they own their own house they will be repayed with the same kindness as you recieved from the little neighbourhood S*its.
Hugs,
Lesley

latindog said...

If they broke it in the same spot as before, I would seriously consider laying out a bunch of shit -- rakes, hoes, wheelbarrows, garden shears, concrete blocks (whatever you have in the garage/shed) on the other side of the breach and let the dumbasses come crashing through and fall into a beehive of hard, pointy objects.

Slyde said...

lotus: have any for sale?

abes: of course!

lesley; thats the worst part for me.. knowing my neighbors are watching me make an inept ass of myself..

latin: im thinking "meeples"

livesbythewoods said...

Dig a pit. Fill it with spikes. Cover it with leaves and grass. Wait.

Failing that, a tripline attached to a crossbow might be useful.

Ali said...

Soooo...the toilet paper and masking tape were your saving grace then? :)

AlleyCat said...

Ahhh............ the evil youff of today. You'll have to lay in wait in about 2 years with a spare bit of fence..........

Tamara said...

Hehehe... If they tried that in South Africa they'd bash their heads in on our 7-foot concrete walls, get electricuted by our electric fencing, and create a lasting visual memory of the experience thanks to the razor wire that tops the lot ;-)

Slyde said...

livesbythewoods: you're vicious! i like it!

ali: absolutely!

alley: if they dont pull that shit for another 2 years.. i'll consider it a win!

tamara: is it wrong that that just got me hot?