Friday, August 22, 2008

I Felt Amy Fisher’s Boobs..

How’s THAT for a headline?

How did an event as momentous as feeling up the Ta-Ta’s of one of the most famous people to emerge from this area in the past 20 years come to pass?

Read on.

First, let’s take a step back. Maybe I’m overestimating her notoriety a bit. Although infamous here in the U.S., I’m not sure how many people around the world actually know the story of “The Long Island Lolita”.

Back in the late 80’s, Fisher, then in high school, made national headlines when she took a trip over to her married boyfriend’s (the completely useless Joey Buttafueco) Long Island home, rang the doorbell, and when his wife answered the door, proceeded to put a bullet into her head.

After Fisher was arrested, the completely pathetic story of adultery, underage sex, and attempted murder that mushroomed around our little peaceful corner of the world for the next 2 years was nothing less than surreal.

Constant camera/news crews interviewing anyone who knew ANYONE connected to the case were commonplace. Talk shows, comic books, trading cards; it was insane. Hell, they even made 2 TV movies about the incident (one starring Alyssa Milana and the other with Drew Barrymore).

Beyond the obvious, there have always been 2 things that have really irked me about the whole sordid mess.

1-Everyone connected to the story tried to cash in on it, and use it as their launching pad to a career. From the perpetrators, to the victims, it was just disgusting to watch them all try to crawl their way to fame.

2-WHENEVER I meet people from other parts of the country and tell them where I’m from, to this day one of the first things they inevitably say is “Isn’t that where Amy Fisher lived?” That really drives me crazy. I like to remind myself of the good old days when all we were known for was Billy Joel and Plum Island.

I seem to have gotten off on a tangent. What was I talking about again?

Oh yeah, boobies.

So, yesterday I decided to play hooky and take my son HERE for the day. It was beautiful out yesterday, and we had a great time. (At least, we DID have a great time until I almost got into a fist fight with the operator of the “Lady Bug Rollercoaster”. Really. Security almost hauled me out. But I’ll save that for another post).

Towards the end of the day, Joey and I were playing that game where you shoot the water guns into the balloons to see who can make them pop first. I let my son win, because I’m a kick-ass dad.

Anyway, as we were leaving, I went to grab the stuffed animals that we had already won off of a nearby table, when I suddenly felt something that was definitely NOT a stuffed animal. It was kinda, soft and squishy.

Imagine my surprise when I looked up and saw I was grabbing the soft and squishy part of Amy Fisher, who was apparently there with her children.

She looked at me. I looked at her. I looked at her breasts. She looked at my hand.

Then I removed my hand, and we both moved along.

Now that I’m writing this down, this story wasn’t quite as interesting as the banner pic would have had you believe, now was it?

I’m sorry guys. I feel like I’ve cheated you all in the name of cheap tabloid journalism.

How can I make it up to you all?

I’ve got it!

I will gladly re-enact the boob grabbing scene with any fine lady who wishes to fly out here and let me molest them. I’m a giver like that. Really.

P.S. Interesting side note. Amy was there with her loser, at-least-20-years-older-than-her ex-husband, who she divorced recently when he sold a sex tape of them to a porn studio. I guess true-love really IS blind….

P.P.S. Since someone here at work was asking me about it: The banner pic is FROM the aforementioned sex tape.

34 comments:

Michelle J said...

Come on dude, you really touched her boobs?? Why were her boobs within touching range anyway?? Isn't there some sort of thing between the stuffed animals on the table and a person's boobs??? Good thing her 20 year older hubby didn't see what YOU DID!!!

:O)

Funny story dude!!

M

B.E. Earl said...

I paid so little attention to the whole fiasco back in the day that I wouldn't recognize Amy Fisher if I tripped over her dead body.

If wishes were fishes...

2abes said...

Hey, did the boobie squeezing booth come in the pay one price admission?

New York City's Watchdog said...

I used to love Adventureland... and the Ground Round that used to be next door. Mousetrap was the shit.

A free feel is a free feel... even if it was a fake belonging to a homicidal chick with abandonment issues.

I heard Mary-Jo got a letter from the TSA that allows her to go around the lines and just get her bags scanned and get wanded. That's gotta be a timesaver.

Slyde said...

michele: no, it was from a stuffed animal that i had already won... i had put it on a nearby table/shelf thingy

earl: but i seem to remember you buying the comic book with me!

abes: no, it was a feebie!

Slyde said...

NYC Watchdog: yeah, apart from the fistfight, adventureland is still a hoot.

alas, the ground round is no more. Currently it is a Fondu (sp?) house. I havent tried it yet, but i heard its so-so.

Bina said...

Okay, if you told me where you're from, or where Amy Fisher is from, I NEVER would put the two together. I heard of Joey, and after I read about it (here) I then remembered her name.

And I think this is a GREAT story! Geez, you sure do get around. You must be one hot piece of man candy. You got massage people assaulting you and now this???

And hell yea I'd fly out there. I'd even let you rub some burn cream on my boobs! LOL

lotus07 said...

I recall seeing the launch party for the porn tape on E! and thought to myself, won't this woman ever go away. After seeing her taste in men (Buttafuco and her current ex) and her apparent willingness to have sex in a dumpster for the right amount of cash, I don't see where being in the same room with her would be anything to boast about, much less touch the boobie that Joey Buttafuco sqeezed. Hope you washed your hands soon afterward.

Charmaine said...

Good Lord.

But prey tell, how does one reach for a stuffed animal on a, say, table but make contact with a boob? Is Amy REALLY short?

Good post. Good Dad. Bad judge of heights. To grab a boob you you would have to twist your hand clockwise. But I've always been too analytical.

:-)

Chris said...

I hope you never wash that hand again!!;)

artfulkisser said...

Yeah, and I felt Chopper Read's dick reaching for a pool cue...

Ali said...

Um...so was she like, resting her boobs on the shelf with the stuffed animals? Because I'm having trouble understanding how you, like, um, your hands, and her, boobies...uh...maybe I'd rather NOT have the visual.

Regardless, it's an awesome story!

badgerdaddy said...

Joey Buttafueco? That's a made up name, right? That's a gay porn star's name, surely?

teeni said...

Well, all I can say is she looks great in that still shot then. I don't remember her being all that pretty when the scandal first came to press. Maybe she availed herself of a little cosmetic work with all that money that she cashed in on?

Steph said...

You have some of the most unusual experiences I've ever read. Reading about them is becoming addictive.

Kaylee said...

::opens eyes now::

WTF dude dont you know US teenagers arent supposed to be exposed to pictures like that???

Slyde said...

bina: ive got the burn cream ready, baby.. come on over!

lotus: better than that, i scoured it with purell..

charmaine: no, i had it on a shelf thingy... it was kinda high up

Slyde said...

chris: i bronzed it!

kisser: yeah yeah.. if i had a dollar for every chick who "accidently" grabbed my package while grabbing for a pool cue....

ali: no, it was a shelf kinda thingy.. you chicks are all too analytical :)

Slyde said...

badger: i could only wish...

teeni: she's had TONS of cosmetic surgery... she wrote about it all in her book

steph: thanks! right back at ya!

Slyde said...

kaylee: close your eyes, little one... i'll make it go away soon :)

Sunshine said...

You mean I have to travel to Long Island to get felt up??? What a girl has to do? ( . )( . )

B.E. Earl said...

Just checked my collection excel file...nope, no Amy Fisher comic book. I may have been with you when you bought it, but I certainly didn't buy one myself.

Slyde said...

sunshine: no maam.. for you, i'll make an exception and travel out to you...

earl: just the fact that you have an excel file of your comics makes this argument moot...

Mrs. Hall said...

Mr. Slyde:

I am going to have to side with the analytical chicks on this one.

I think we are going to need some sort of drawing to sort out how in the heck you grabbed for a stuffed toy and grabbed Ms. Fischer's boobies.

O-and there were 3 tv movies. I remember watching the Drew Barrymore one.

So there ya go:

Mrs. Hall

sweets said...

anything to touch a new boobie right?...

oy :)

Tamara said...

Most guys would kill to habe your life - getting felt up by a frisky therapsit, free boob squeezes...

Tamara said...

HAVE your life. Not sue what habe is...

Slyde said...

ms hall: welcome! 3 movies? are you sure? i cant beleive one slipped past me. i will have to investigate!

sweets: yeah, pretty much anything.

tamara: believe me, my life is not all horny therapists and booby grabbing...

honeywine said...

Ya know, Slyde...I'm starting to see a pattern here with you and women in semi-intimate public situations. Perhaps I should reread that physical therapist post...hmmm...playa...

Slyde said...

honey: all coincidences, i swear!

Tequila Mockingbird said...

hmmm dont let your wife answer the door for awhile, cause you never know she could be all like "GEE WHOS AT THE DOOR" and BAM!!!

GUNSHOT TO THE FACE.

Slyde said...

tequila: funky minds think alike.. i thought the same damn thing :)

τ ħ€ ĐάЎđяёάmёя said...

and that was really tricky tabloid journalism..u actualy made me read the whole post...lol

but i loved ur writing aneways..

and i loved to meet the kickass dad :)

Slyde said...

daydreamer: lol! welcome!