Sunday, July 27, 2008

I'm Pretty Sure I Was Just Molested

How's THAT for a headline?

Let me back up a minute.....

As most of you know by now, I pulled some muscles in my back a few months ago, and have REALLY had a bitch of a time sleeping for a while now. During the day, no matter what I'm doing, I'm fine.... but come sleepy-time, I'm in a world of hurt. Weird, right?

Anyway, I started going to a physical therapist about 2 weeks ago, and it seems to be helping a little. He's a pretty nice guy, and he has this chick as an assistant, who, up until this past week, I had never had as a therapist before.

So, I always begin my sessions by laying on my stomach on one of those massage tables (the kind where you put your face in a hole on the table), and they hook me up with electrodes to electric-shock my muscles. After I lay down, the therapist usually lifts my shirt and applies the electrodes to my back. Now, keep in mind that my torn muscle is on my UPPER back. So, while this girl is applying the electrodes this time, I suddenly got quite a surprise as she LOWERS MY SHORTS DOWN, enough that my supple ass was showing!

I'm laying there thinking "Oooooookay, why is she going to put an electrode down there?", when suddenly, as quickly as she pulled them down, she pulled my shorts back up. She never ended up putting an electrode anywhere near that area.

After the electrodes, the therapist usually then covers me with a heating blanket, and this time with my little dirty nurse was no different.

While i was laying there getting shocked and melted, she struck up a conversation with me, and I soon began to think that there was really nothing to our little back-door drama earlier.

During our conversations, we started talking about video games and she asked me if i had a PlayStation. When I told her that I had both an a PS3 and a Wii, she proceeded to, out of nowhere, tell me that if you go on the Internet, they have "attachments" for the Wii that will simulate sexual endeavours.

Huh?

While she is telling me this (Note to self: Go on Internet tonight and Google "Wii Penis Pump". Remember to bring Credit Card!), she tells me that I have had enough time under the heating blanket, and proceeds to slip her hand under it, and cup my beautiful butt cheek for a good second or two before she removes the blanket!

So now I'm thinking, "Hey now! I think this young lass is oh-so-subtly trying to hit on me..."

This second assault was followed by a gruelling, and quite professional, 20 minute workout where I again began to question myself and my new friend's advances.

"Did I REALLY just get hit on? I'm probably just making something out of nothing", i again said to myself.

The answer to my conundrum was finally settled when, at the end of the session, she had me stand facing a wall that had 2 rubber straps hung on them, and she instructed me to stand about 1 foot from the wall, facing it, and pull the straps, kinda like in a rowing motion.

While I'm doing this, I heard her say "No, you aren't quite doing it quite right... try it like this".

She then came up behind me, and plastering herself behind me and putting her hands over mine, began to make a half-hearted show at rowing with me while she proceeded to grind her breasts up and down my back.

It takes a lot to flabbergast me, but folks, I do believe we have a winner. I didn't say one damn word for the entire 5 minute exercise. I just kept on rowing like a loon while this chick had her way with my back.

I once got propositioned while at the dentist by the hygienist while I was in the dentist chair, but I honestly think this recent dirty little doctor's visit took the cake for most surreal moment of my life.

Friz thinks the whole thing is hysterical. It must be so tough for her to be with someone who the whole world wants to bang.

Some days, i just don't know how she can stand it.

I have another visit this Tuesday. Wish me luck.

24 comments:

B.E. Earl said...

So.

Did you get the happy ending?

teeni said...

Wow - I can't believe you didn't ask about the shorts thing. I never let medical people touch me without telling me first what they are going to do. But it does sound like you were getting hit on. We need Friz to do a followup guest post on stuff like this so we can hear how she deals with it.

sweets said...

mwhhhhhhhhhhhhhahahahahahahahahaha! well hmmm ok then... very funny... you can't wait for your next appointment can you? ;)

Chris H said...

You taking Friz with you next time? Me thinks that dirty wee nursy won't be hittin on you then! Unless of course you wanna be hit on..... then I'd leave her at home. Maybe you were her 'foreplay' till she got home to her own man!

badgerdaddy said...

Friz is a very, very brave woman; I salute her. If I'd been your therapist, I'd have been rubbing my boobies up and down you as well, all in the name of therapy.

You heard me.

Slyde said...

Earl: unfortunatly, no (but i WAS kinda expecting to get one...)


teeni: the day Friz posts here will be the first sign of the apocolypse.. she doesnt even come here to read it..

sweets: tuesday, baby... tuesday!

Slyde said...

chris: bringing friz would surely be interesting..

badger: i find that strangely... comforting...

2abes said...

only you...most important question...is she hot?...maybe next time you can suprise her..tell her were your back is...

Paige Stanton said...

That's a nice fantasy... What REALLY happened? : )

honeywine said...

I've always wondered what the appeal of the Wii was. Mystery solved! lol Shouldn't you be handing out the business cards by now?

P.S.- Maybe she didn't know what she was doing and tried to confuse you! It sounds like something I'd do.

lotus07 said...

I need to be less manly and stop living with the pain....and go see a physical therpist for some hot sex therapy.

Lemur said...

I guess we can take my offer of the chiropractor off the table.

I don't think he offers the same services.

Slyde said...

abes: she wasnt completely unnattractive

paige: i swear on my honor that is exactly how it went down...

honey: confuse me? she confused my penis pretty good, but i dont know about the rest of me..

Slyde said...

lotus: definitely, less manly is the way to go! its my credo!

lemur: Then i think he needs to step up alittle and keep up with the jones...

Bina said...

Okay, are you REALLY that naive or just pretending? ;-) Oh yea, you got molested, twice mister! And just WHAT were you doing, or thinking, or WHAT was going on with ... you know.... while she was doing that? I mean, was she attractive? Old? Fat? Young? Man voice? Angel voice? You are leaving so much out. But if I were her, you would have been happen with MY magic fingers and not needed to stinking electrode.

( . )( . ) said...

Hrmmmm.... interesting..... cant wait to see what happens Tuesday!

Slyde said...

bina: she was attractive. its hard to be objective because i get so many hot women hitting on me.

(.)(.) - you and me both!

Michelle J said...

Oh my! Terrific post! I got kinda hot reading it, in a strange womanly kinda way!!

Seriously, your writing is really great!

Somehow i stumbled upon your blog! Glad i did!

Sitting in Silence said...

PMSL..I love this post...I hope you are going to give us an update after your next visit...

FWIW...she sure was hitting on ya...

D x

Slyde said...

michelle: you getting hot makes ME kinda hot! lets keep that energy going :)

sitting: yeah, i think at this point its a given :)

Cuz said...

You were definitely being hit on...who could blame the girl!
You are a very good looking guy!

Tamara said...

The little slapper! I can't believe she actually grabbed your ass. I'm supposed to see a therapist. Now I'm nervous!

elizabeth said...

OMG. THAT is so funny.

Seriously, Slyde. You've got to tell us how the next appt goes... you should casually mention that you got the attachments for the wii.

Slyde said...

cuz: :)

tamara: tell me about it! good luck!

liz: yaknow, i SHOULD have thought of that!