Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Am I A Prick?

You gotta help me out guys, cause this has been bothering me for 3 days now, and I need someone to tell me if I was a jerk for doing this.

What did I do, you ask? Read on…..

So, I’m driving on Sunday with my son, and I decide to take him to the Halloween Store over at the Walt Whitman Mall, not far from our home.

I like the mall a lot. It’s close to our home, has just about every store you could want, and it’s near my job, to boot.

Anyway, the one thing I HATE about the Walt Whitman Mall is the parking lot. Not content to have just a regular one, it’s got one of those parking lots where everyone has to park diagonally. And because the parking spots are diagonal, each section of the parking lot is a one-way road because with the spots being diagonal you can’t fucking park in a spot if you accidentally come in from the other side. ARGGGH! I hate that shit!

Anyway, I am driving in the lot, trying to find a parking space, and still puzzling over my boy’s “In The Pants” comment, when I realize that I am driving down one of the lanes the wrong way.
“No big deal”, I say to myself. “I’ll just get to the end of this lane and drive the correct way down the next lane”.

As luck would have it, just as I am nearing the end of the lane, I spy another car (going waaaaay too damn fast. Just thought I’d throw that out there as partial defense) starting to turn into my lane. Keep in mind, that he is going the right way down this particular lane, and I am quite oppositely going the wrong way.

Well, Speedy Gonzalez sees me in mid-turn, and jams hard on his breaks, so he is now half in my lane, and with his ass-end sticking out from the main road.

I then see the car behind him (going too damn fast also! These young whipper-snappers and their fancy hot-rods! Bah!), slam on his breaks as well.

But it’s too late for either of them, as Car # 2 slams into the back of Car # 1.

I’m just sitting there with my foot on the break, watching the whole tableau unfold as the 2 irate drivers both pull to the side and get out of their cars.

I then quickly decide to do the most prudent thing I can think of at the time.

I hit the gas and hightail it to the other side of the mall to park, hidden between 2 big SUV motherfuckers where my wee-little convertible will be nowhere to be seen.

I know I SHOULD have stopped. But the thought of standing out there for 2 hours with my son screaming that he wants to see the Halloween Store while we wait for Long Island’s Finest to show up and take down insurance information just didn’t seem like the best way to spend my Sunday.

Plus I hate people, so talking to “new” ones always gives me anxiety.

And technically, doesn’t the law state that the only person liable for a collision is the person who “actually hits” the other person?

Well, that wasn’t me, my friends! That was the Road Warrior in Car # 2. I think it was my civic duty to NOT stop and clutter up the roadway, and let the fine U.S. legal system take it’s due course.

Man, when I say it like that, I sound like a hero!

3 cheers for me, I say! If you all followed my lead, this world would be a far better place…….

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