Saturday, June 14, 2008

An Actual Conversation With My Mother

Sometimes, my good friends will ask me why I seem so damn neurotic at times....

I'll Let you be the judge.

My mother took me out for a Father's Day Lunch yesterday. While at the restaurant, she had a hamburger, and I ordered a Garden Salad (and no, I'm not gay.. I just wasn't hungry for once in my life, give me a fucking break, ok?).

Mommy: "So, How's your salad?"

Me: "Pretty good. How's your hamburger?"

Mommy: "It's ok."

Mommy: (Looking over at my salad, and spying the small cherry tomatoes adorning my salad) "You know, you really shouldn't be eating tomatoes right now. There's a report out that they are poison."

Me: "Mom, in my 39 years on this planet, have you EVER seen me ONCE eat a tomato?"

Mommy: "No, I don't think so. And why is that?"

Me: "Because I HATE TOMATOES! I always have. I can't STAND the damn things. Mom, you know this! I've told you a million times."

Mommy: "Then why are there tomatoes in your salad?"

Me: "Because the damn salad COMES with damn tomatoes!"

Mommy: "Well, don't eat them... they could be poison."


Mommy: "Well, good."

Mommy: (After eating quietly for a minute or 2...) "Well, If you aren't going to eat them.... do you mind?"

and with THAT, she reached across the table with her fork and stabs one of my tomatoes! She quickly pulls it back and begins to chomp on it....

Me: "What the hell are you doing?"

Mommy: "Eating your tomatoes... you said you didn't want them."

Me: "You just told me not one damn minute ago that the tomatoes were poisonous!!!"

Mommy: "No, these are CHERRY tomatoes in your salad. The ones that they are saying are potentially poison are the regular sized tomatoes...."

Me: "...................................."

I Swear, my mother does things like this to see just how much farther I can go before she can break me.

Happy Father's day, everybody........................

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