Thursday, June 26, 2008

The 10 Most Embarrassing Moments Of My Life (So Far)

Not much more to explain beyond the title, is there?

I was driving to work today, and I was thinking of some of the more embarrassing things that have happened to me over the years. I’m sure if I REALLY thought about it, this list would be different (and longer), but doing so might propel me into therapy, so let’s just stick with these for now.

So, in no particular order:

10) When I was in 6th grade, my school took a class trip to the Statue of Liberty. I was proud that my mother was going along with us as one of the class chaperones. I bragged about it all week in school. So, we got to the statue and my mom and our group of 6 kids start to climb up. My mother, true to form, got a panic attack before we even got to the FEET, and we all had to come back down. This was the focal point for many wedgies and ass-kickings in school for me for a few years.

9) In the early 90’s, I got caught having sex at work. Not “in the act”, but only because I was able to hear the door open and we got ourselves semi-respectable fast, but it was still obvious to the person who caught us (thankfully a friend) what we were doing. The only positive thing about this story was that I was not caught by my co-worker (and future nemesis) Earl.

8) In my junior year of college, I was sitting around with my roommates watching MTV, when the Bon Jovi video for “Bad Medicine” came on. When it was over, for SOME reason I’ll never know (or admit to), I muttered aloud, “You know, Richie Sambura is a good looking guy!”. Yeah, that was a smart thing to say to a room full of drunk guys.

7) One day in Junior High, I went off to gym class, and while stripping down in the locker room, the entire boys class was treated to seeing me in my Incredible Hulk Underoos. My mother had not been able to do laundry that week, so that was the only thing I had that was clean, and I had gotten my schedule wrong and didn’t remember I had gym that day until it was too late.

6) For a while I was dating this wild chick who LOVED to talk dirty in bed. I kinda like that too, but this chick was a FREAK for it. I often found it hard to keep up with her inventive vocabulary. Anyway, one night while we were in bed, she was screaming at me to say something dirty to her, and all I could come up with was “I’m gonna stick my C#*K in your P#*#Y!” (side note – I don’t know why I just censored myself, since I fucking curse on fucking here all the fucking time, but now that I’m looking at it, I think its fucking funnier this way so I’m fucking leaving it that way). Anyway, she got me so rattled that what I ENDED UP yelling was “You’re gonna stick your C*#K in my P*##Y!”. I don’t think I will ever forget the shrinkage-inducing look she gave me at that moment.

5) Getting kicked out of a room full of about 500 Star Trek nerds after I drunkenly stood up and told George Takei (Mr. Sulu) that he should name his new autobiography after his small penis. You can read all about THAT glorious moment HERE.

4) When I was 19, my friends and I were all grungy long-haired types, until one of my gang got accepted to Annapolis Naval Academy, where they made him a clean cut weapon of the military. He invited us to come to his commencement ceremony, so we all drove to Maryland to visit. I felt very uncomfortable with all the groomed and clean cut youths all around me. Anyway, after the ceremony, my friend walked over and introduced us to his Lieutenant, a huge dude that scared the crap outta me. He stuck out his arm to shake our hand, but I couldn’t tell if he was trying to shake my hand, or one of my friends, so in a panic I grabbed his hand and started to shake it, JUST as he grasped my friends hand to shake. So the three of us were in some kind of very gay 3-way handshake that had the whole crowd walking by staring at us in bewilderment. I wanted to die.

3) When I was about 12, I would go roller skating with my friends every Friday night. It was mostly an excuse to pick up girls. One night, I left my friends and skated to the bathroom. When I was done, I didn’t see my friends anywhere, so I just skated back out onto the dance floor. But every time I got to one section of the rink, a group of guys standing on the sidelines kept calling me a fagot. I couldn’t understand what I did to these guys, but every damn time, they made fun of me as I passed them. After 2 minutes, the rink announcer said over his megaphone “OK, That ends the ladies only dance!”. Ouch! I guess If I had my head out of my ass I might have noticed that I was the only guy out on the floor.

2) About 10 years ago, I had a dream where I was hanging out with Denzel Washington in a bar, when we both decided that we had to pee. We headed to the restroom, and in my dream I started taking care of Nature at the urinal. I woke up 5 minutes later to discover I had wet the bed. When your wife wakes up at 3 A.M. to find you changing the bed sheets, try explaining THAT ONE to them.

1) The granddaddy of them all. Watch in wide wonder below at how they should NEVER let someone completely drunk enter “The Star Trek Experience” at Universal Studios Florida. You old timers will remember I posted this one a few years ago. I’m proud (ashamed) to say that ive so far gotten almost 90,000 hits on Youtube with this gem:

So, that’s it. I have bared my innermost demons to you all. You know, this was kinda cathartic. I feel cleansed...... a new person, if you will. EMPOWERED!

And I just came up with about 5 more incidents that easily make this list.

Am I the only person who has stories like these?

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