Thursday, June 26, 2008

The 10 Most Embarrassing Moments Of My Life (So Far)

Not much more to explain beyond the title, is there?

I was driving to work today, and I was thinking of some of the more embarrassing things that have happened to me over the years. I’m sure if I REALLY thought about it, this list would be different (and longer), but doing so might propel me into therapy, so let’s just stick with these for now.

So, in no particular order:

10) When I was in 6th grade, my school took a class trip to the Statue of Liberty. I was proud that my mother was going along with us as one of the class chaperones. I bragged about it all week in school. So, we got to the statue and my mom and our group of 6 kids start to climb up. My mother, true to form, got a panic attack before we even got to the FEET, and we all had to come back down. This was the focal point for many wedgies and ass-kickings in school for me for a few years.

9) In the early 90’s, I got caught having sex at work. Not “in the act”, but only because I was able to hear the door open and we got ourselves semi-respectable fast, but it was still obvious to the person who caught us (thankfully a friend) what we were doing. The only positive thing about this story was that I was not caught by my co-worker (and future nemesis) Earl.

8) In my junior year of college, I was sitting around with my roommates watching MTV, when the Bon Jovi video for “Bad Medicine” came on. When it was over, for SOME reason I’ll never know (or admit to), I muttered aloud, “You know, Richie Sambura is a good looking guy!”. Yeah, that was a smart thing to say to a room full of drunk guys.

7) One day in Junior High, I went off to gym class, and while stripping down in the locker room, the entire boys class was treated to seeing me in my Incredible Hulk Underoos. My mother had not been able to do laundry that week, so that was the only thing I had that was clean, and I had gotten my schedule wrong and didn’t remember I had gym that day until it was too late.

6) For a while I was dating this wild chick who LOVED to talk dirty in bed. I kinda like that too, but this chick was a FREAK for it. I often found it hard to keep up with her inventive vocabulary. Anyway, one night while we were in bed, she was screaming at me to say something dirty to her, and all I could come up with was “I’m gonna stick my C#*K in your P#*#Y!” (side note – I don’t know why I just censored myself, since I fucking curse on fucking here all the fucking time, but now that I’m looking at it, I think its fucking funnier this way so I’m fucking leaving it that way). Anyway, she got me so rattled that what I ENDED UP yelling was “You’re gonna stick your C*#K in my P*##Y!”. I don’t think I will ever forget the shrinkage-inducing look she gave me at that moment.

5) Getting kicked out of a room full of about 500 Star Trek nerds after I drunkenly stood up and told George Takei (Mr. Sulu) that he should name his new autobiography after his small penis. You can read all about THAT glorious moment HERE.

4) When I was 19, my friends and I were all grungy long-haired types, until one of my gang got accepted to Annapolis Naval Academy, where they made him a clean cut weapon of the military. He invited us to come to his commencement ceremony, so we all drove to Maryland to visit. I felt very uncomfortable with all the groomed and clean cut youths all around me. Anyway, after the ceremony, my friend walked over and introduced us to his Lieutenant, a huge dude that scared the crap outta me. He stuck out his arm to shake our hand, but I couldn’t tell if he was trying to shake my hand, or one of my friends, so in a panic I grabbed his hand and started to shake it, JUST as he grasped my friends hand to shake. So the three of us were in some kind of very gay 3-way handshake that had the whole crowd walking by staring at us in bewilderment. I wanted to die.

3) When I was about 12, I would go roller skating with my friends every Friday night. It was mostly an excuse to pick up girls. One night, I left my friends and skated to the bathroom. When I was done, I didn’t see my friends anywhere, so I just skated back out onto the dance floor. But every time I got to one section of the rink, a group of guys standing on the sidelines kept calling me a fagot. I couldn’t understand what I did to these guys, but every damn time, they made fun of me as I passed them. After 2 minutes, the rink announcer said over his megaphone “OK, That ends the ladies only dance!”. Ouch! I guess If I had my head out of my ass I might have noticed that I was the only guy out on the floor.

2) About 10 years ago, I had a dream where I was hanging out with Denzel Washington in a bar, when we both decided that we had to pee. We headed to the restroom, and in my dream I started taking care of Nature at the urinal. I woke up 5 minutes later to discover I had wet the bed. When your wife wakes up at 3 A.M. to find you changing the bed sheets, try explaining THAT ONE to them.

1) The granddaddy of them all. Watch in wide wonder below at how they should NEVER let someone completely drunk enter “The Star Trek Experience” at Universal Studios Florida. You old timers will remember I posted this one a few years ago. I’m proud (ashamed) to say that ive so far gotten almost 90,000 hits on Youtube with this gem:

So, that’s it. I have bared my innermost demons to you all. You know, this was kinda cathartic. I feel cleansed...... a new person, if you will. EMPOWERED!

And I just came up with about 5 more incidents that easily make this list.

Am I the only person who has stories like these?

Monday, June 23, 2008

Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Mirror

My girlfriend Earl had a bit of a brew-ha-ha over the weekend concerning a friend seeing a somewhat less than complimentary blog post of his that was centered around this person. He ended up having to take the post down in an effort to douse the flames.

This incident got me thinking about the concept of what we all say or do here on these blogwaves, and the pros and cons of being an anonymous blogger.

Earl and I have spoken numerous times about the differences about our blogs. Mostly the talks just revolve around the mutually agreed upon fact that my blog rocks while his blog sucks, but there is actually more to it than that.

In a nutshell, Earl prefers to keep his blog semi-anonymous, while I’m pretty much letting it all hang out there. Both methods of blogging come with its share of plusses and minuses.

From my perspective, when I started this blog, it was merely going to be little more than a place on the web where I could put up some family pictures so relatives around the country could check them out. I never really intended anyone except my family from visiting here, so I didn’t see any reason to make myself unknown to the interweb at large.

But slowly, what I wanted to do with the site changed and grew. I started posting stories (again mostly just intended for family), but after a year or so, I noticed that people who I didn’t know were starting to find me on the web, and were becoming regular readers.

So, over time, I began to change this site from less of a scrapbook, to more and more of the wonderful blog that you are reading today. But, since this site was known to family and friends from before the transformation, there was no mystery as to who I was. I have many friends, family, even co-workers who come to this site regularly to check it out.

And that’s both good AND bad. I enjoy the relaxed atmosphere of being totally open and free, and not having to be afraid to slap up a picture of my wonderful mug or give away too much info about myself, but that freedom comes with a price.

There are tons of things that I WISH I could write about here, but for a variety of reasons, I can’t, specifically for the fact that someone who comes here could be affected by it.

And that sucks.

It sucks so much that I have, believe it or not, thought more than once about creating a second site, COMPLETELY anonymous, with ZERO ties to this site, where I could post whatever kind of crazy shit I wanted to post about (and believe me, brothers and sisters, I could FILL a second site with that shit…).

But, as you all know, I’m pretty damn lazy. I barely have the energy to post HERE 2-3 times a week. The energy it would take for me to post on TWO blogs is pretty much incomprehensible.

On the flip side, Earl is completely a mystery to the blog community. Earl is not even his real first name. He takes great pains in making sure his identity is not portrayed on the web. This curtails his writing in OTHER ways than mine. He can’t put up personal pictures, he has to edit some of his posts that might provide clues to his identity, etc. He has the anonymity, but he has to work at it to keep it.

One thing I HAVE learned from all my years of blogging, is that, for a blog to be effective, it HAS got to be either one way or another. You cannot keep your blog anonymous, but tell a select group of family friends about it, because, as what happened to Earl, eventually bad things will happen.

Likewise, if you are going to keep your identity open, you just CANNOT share certain things about yourself, or the aforementioned bad things I talked about above will also happen.

I really feel that there are no grey areas here.. it’s one way or another, or else your blogging days are numbered.

This site is pretty much predominantly read by other bloggers… what do you all think?

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Goings On

I haven't done a good ol', country style Bullet List in a while, so why don't we remedy that while I update you all on what's been going on with me.

-My Father is coming up from Florida to visit me tomorrow. For the first time in about 10 years, I will actually be seeing my father for more than the 1 weekend a year that I normally get to see him, as he is staying with us for about 10 days. So, I probably wont be posting so much a bit.

It's always a weird time when my dad visits. Here is someone that I lived with, and saw every day of my life, for 21 years, before he left and moved to another state. He doesn't have a lot of money, so he can't visit here often, but now with having his only grandson up here, I know it's hard for him living so far away, so he tries to come up as much as he can. It makes me happy when he's here, and sad when he's gone again. There's a ton of other emotional baggage that falls somewhere inside that last sentence, but I'll let all that shit go for now. I'd rather keep this light, and airy, just like the crotchless panties that I'm currently wearing....

-My son had his first kindergarten "Field Day" yesterday, and it got me all ve-klempt. Maybe I'll put up some pics this weekend. We spectators were treated to all variety of events, from the 50 meter dash, to the backwards run, to the balloon toss, to even a tie-breaking Tug O War (to which the kid next to my son kept calling "Tiger War"..I thought that was pretty cute). Anyway, I learned, much to my amazement, that my son is the fastest fucking kid in his school. He was blowing kids away in the 50 meter dash, until he got to the part of the race where I was sitting. Then, the little smart-alec decides to take a bow and shake his butt at me, until the other kids caught up with him. He had the crowd in stitches. He then proceeded to take off like a rocket again AND STILL WIN THE RACE! I was impressed, but I also let him know that if he tries pulling that shit once he got to high school, his teamates would probably string him up by his underwear.

-Yes, I am still up and running on my old, hand-made website. No, I have not yet decided if I am going to stay, move to Blogger, or move to Wordpress. You can chalk it mostly up to me being a lazy shit, since I haven't even really checked out Wordpress yet, but in the past week I have literally decided to go with each of the above 3 options as my "final decision" about 6 times each now, so that should tell you if I am ready to make up my mind yet. Hey, it's a woman's prerogative to change her mind!

And with that, I'm off for a weekend of Family obligations. Cya all next week!

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Hulk Smash!

I’ve mentioned here before how I am, without question, the world’s biggest Incredible Hulk fan.

When I say “biggest”, I don’t mean “fattest”, either. I mean I am a super fan. The Hulk has always been my favorite superhero. I remember my dad giving me a dollar a week’s allowance as a kid, and I would run to the local 7-11 and pick up 4 comic books back when they were 25 cents. I would always make sure that the Hulk was one of them.

Anyway, I’m not a kid anymore, but I still make it a point to collect the Hulk. It took an incredible amount of hunting (since it was pre-internet), but by going to literally hundreds of comic book stores, flea markets, and garage sales, I’ve managed over the years to get a complete collection of The Incredible Hulk, dating back from 1968 to today.
Listen, I’m a fan, ok?

Anyway, It was with mixed emotions that I dragged myself Sunday morning for my own Father’s Day present, and took myself to see the new Hulk movie. I say it was with mixed emotions, because a few years ago, I took myself with “High” emotions to see the FIRST Hulk movie, and after sitting through THAT steaming pile of poo for 2 hours, I didn’t expect to see another Hulk movie in my lifetime.

But another Hulk movie DID get made, after all.

And you know what? It’s good!

Don’t get me wrong, The Incredible Hulk isn’t going to win any academy awards, but, much in the same vein as the recent Iron Man, I thought, especially for a comic book geek like myself, this movie kicked a fair amount of ass.

The entire cast of the first movie has been replaced, and mostly for the better. Out goes the statue-like Eric Bana as Bruce Banner from the first movie, replaced with one of my man-crushes, Ed Norton. He did a great job playing the tortured scientist-turned-monster.

I would have rather they retained Jennifer Connelly as Betty Ross from the first movie, over Liv Tyler, but for what it’s worth, Liv did just fine. I also thought William Hurt, as the new General Ross, was an improvement over Sam Elliot from the first film.

And I just LOVE how they tied the movie in closely with some other marvel projects. In the comics, these characters are so tightly interwoven, that one character is always showing up in another one’s book. In the movies thus far, however, these characters have always had the world unto themselves.

But starting with last month’s Iron Man, which made preludes to Nick Fury and S.H.I.E.L.D., so too does Hulk make a tie in to Iron Man and the upcoming Avengers movie, with Robert Downey himself showing up towards the end of the film.

Add to that some cameos by future Hulk villain The Leader, Doc Sampson, and Jim Wilson, and they made it pretty clear that there are most definitely plans for a HULK 3.

And that suits this fanboy just fine.

My one gripe is that I would have liked to see a smidgeon more action, but it’s really a minor complaint. If you liked Iron Man (and shame on you if you didn’t), then you need to run out and see The Incredible Hulk as well.

But you still can’t borrow my old comics…..

Saturday, June 14, 2008

An Actual Conversation With My Mother

Sometimes, my good friends will ask me why I seem so damn neurotic at times....

I'll Let you be the judge.

My mother took me out for a Father's Day Lunch yesterday. While at the restaurant, she had a hamburger, and I ordered a Garden Salad (and no, I'm not gay.. I just wasn't hungry for once in my life, give me a fucking break, ok?).

Mommy: "So, How's your salad?"

Me: "Pretty good. How's your hamburger?"

Mommy: "It's ok."

Mommy: (Looking over at my salad, and spying the small cherry tomatoes adorning my salad) "You know, you really shouldn't be eating tomatoes right now. There's a report out that they are poison."

Me: "Mom, in my 39 years on this planet, have you EVER seen me ONCE eat a tomato?"

Mommy: "No, I don't think so. And why is that?"

Me: "Because I HATE TOMATOES! I always have. I can't STAND the damn things. Mom, you know this! I've told you a million times."

Mommy: "Then why are there tomatoes in your salad?"

Me: "Because the damn salad COMES with damn tomatoes!"

Mommy: "Well, don't eat them... they could be poison."


Mommy: "Well, good."

Mommy: (After eating quietly for a minute or 2...) "Well, If you aren't going to eat them.... do you mind?"

and with THAT, she reached across the table with her fork and stabs one of my tomatoes! She quickly pulls it back and begins to chomp on it....

Me: "What the hell are you doing?"

Mommy: "Eating your tomatoes... you said you didn't want them."

Me: "You just told me not one damn minute ago that the tomatoes were poisonous!!!"

Mommy: "No, these are CHERRY tomatoes in your salad. The ones that they are saying are potentially poison are the regular sized tomatoes...."

Me: "...................................."

I Swear, my mother does things like this to see just how much farther I can go before she can break me.

Happy Father's day, everybody........................

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Ooooooh Kaaaaay....

So, I’m working on my computer last night doing some incredibly important business from home (i.e. Playing a computer game), when I spied, with my little eye, some movement behind me.

I spun around on my computer chair, to see who/what it was….

I wasn’t quite ready for what I found.


Yes, you are looking at that correctly. My son was wearing a shower cap, a pair of my socks, and Friz’ high heels.

I’m not too sure what kind of look he was trying to pull off, but whatever it was, he thought this was fucking hysterical. He was laughing like a loon the whole time.

But I had the upper hand this day. I quickly reached for my camera and snapped this pic for all posterity.

Every time, for the rest of my life, whenever he decides to give me any problems in the years to come, I can now whip out this picture (which I plan from this day forward to carry in my breast pocket), and lay the humiliating smack-down on him.

Just the THREAT of showing this picture should be good enough to get him to shape up and fly right.

“What’s that, son? Your friends are making too much noise but you won’t tell them to cool it?
That’s fine. Maybe they’d like to see some old family photos. I just happen to have one here in my shirt pocket.”

“Yeah, I thought so.”

This picture will be worth a mint, mark my words…….

Monday, June 09, 2008

I'm An Idiot

One of the drawbacks to being this devastatingly handsome and sexy, is that I’m not the most “handy” person when it comes to doing things around the house.

You know what I mean… pretty much any of the tasks of daily house maintenance that the man of the house usually takes on for himself, are pretty much an unsolvable Rubick’s Cube of mystery to me.

I don’t know shit about making car repairs, or home improvements, or pretty much anything that most guys seem to have instilled upon them at birth.

I blame my parents for this lack of knowledge, but that’s a whole other therapy session.

What was I talking about again? Oh yeah….

So, Friz routinely asks me to do little “man” things around the house, and I either have to shamefacefully admit that I don’t know HOW to do it, or sometimes, when I’m feeling especially manly, I try to figure out how a REAL man would complete the task at hand, and give it a shot.

Case in point, last week….

We opened our pool up on Friday, so Thursday night I knew I had to do 2 things…

1) Put my bilge pump on top of the cover, so I could get all the water off of it.
2) Put the garden hose in the pool, so I could fill the pool up to the skimmer line and the filter can be turned on.

So, after work Thursday night, I put the hose in the pool, and turned the water on. I then figured I can kill 2 birds with one stone, and throw the pump on top of the cover and plug it in.

Because I’m so smart, I checked to make sure that the water is being pumped off the cover. Sure enough, water is pumping thru the hose all right, onto our stone patio.

With everything looking A-OK, I retired inside to play about 5 hours of Lord Of The Rings Online, (my current videogame obsession).

So about midnight, I remember that I have the pool still filling up with water, and I run out in a panic thinking that the pool is probably now overflowing to the brim with water.

Much to my surprise, the water is NOT going over the top. Although it was tough to see outside in the dark, the water didn’t look to me to be much higher than when I started.

“Wow!”, thought I. “This pool must take much more water than I thought”.

So I stayed up another few hours, and when I again went outside to check the pool, found the water level to still not have gone up.

Then I remembered that last year I bought a new “porous” pool cover. Water seeps thru the cover, but leaves the debris up top.

Then it all came together…..

I had the pump going the entire time! The pump is sitting on top of the cover, sucking through the cover all of the water that I am filling the pool with, and gushing it out onto my patio.

So, in essence, I basically turned on my garden hose and watered my patio for about 8 hours.

In retrospect, it really isn’t my fault. Past experiences have conclusively proven that I should NEVER be trusted with these kinds of things…

Like I said, I blame my parents….

Thursday, June 05, 2008

In Dreams

I’ve talked in the past about how I no longer have nightmares. It’s true… I haven’t had one in about 15 years now.

But I DO have ONE recurring dream, which is pretty odd and unsettling.

I have had this same dream over and over and over again over the years. I just had it again last night, which is what prompted this post, but I’d say I’ve had variations of this dream at least 20-30 times in the past 10 years or so.

As I said, there is always a slightly different setting, or beginning, but the gist is always the same:

I am outside, and I get into a car. Sometimes its my car, sometimes its not, but whatever I’m driving, I am in a hurry, so I pop it into reverse, hit the gas hard and start to back up.

The problem is, I am driving ridiculously fast, in reverse. Also, in all these dreams, I can NEVER see where I am going. Sometimes, there is something in the back seat blocking my rear vision. Sometimes, I am unable to turn my neck to see behind me. Sometimes, for some reason, I jump into the back seat while the car continues to scream its way in reverse.

In all these dreams, I know that I am seconds away from hitting something. I KNOW it. I sit there waiting for the inevitable collision that I am unable to see approaching, but it never comes.
Other cars, pedestrians, buildings….. They all whiz by me at breakneck speed….

But the collision never comes.

I wouldn’t say it’s a nightmare. It’s not like I wake up in a cold sweat or anything, but I always awake with an unsettling feeling.

My guess is that the dream stems from unconsciously feeling out of control of my destiny, but what I know about psychology you could fit on the end of a pencil point, and probably still have some room left over.

So c’mon, you smart guys and gals out there. Anyone have a dream analysis book handy?

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

Over the past week, I have given some serious thought about moving this blog over to Blogger.
Everyone who has read this blog has seen that I have always been a pretty huge supporter of people who take the time to code their own blogs, and pretty much have looked on in disdain at the 10,000,000,000 cookie-cutter-looking blogs that pop up every day in the worlds of Blogger, Wordpress and the like.

When I began this site, the word “blog” wasn’t even known to too many people, and I really took great pride in going out, buying some web development software, and teaching myself how to build a site from the ground up.

It’s been a bumpy road, to be sure. You old-timers around these parts will remember my FIRST forum, which sucked so bad it was laughable. Then came the phpbb forums, which were a huge improvement, but still not what I really wanted.

And NOTHING was as painstaking as trying to get the RSS feed set up correctly on this site recently. I was extremely proud that, after almost a month of failures, I was finally able to set up something that could pass for a valid rss feed.

I think the final nail in the coffin for me was this past weekend, when I was looking up my site in Google reader. For anyone who uses it, you might have noticed that for each subscription you have, there is a line that shows you how many stories on average that blog posts per week.

You know what mine says? 0.0.

Because apparently there is STILL something fucked up about my feed that google reader doesn’t seem to be able to tell that when I am posting content.

Then, I got hit with the old one-two punch. This weekend I decided to archive April’s posts (another thing I have to do manually), and I realized that, because my posts' URL will change when archived, anyone trying to access any content from April thru their RSS subscription will now get my homepage, instead of the story they were looking for.

So, I sat here like a jackass for about 2 hours trying to come up with a way where I could trick the RSS readers out there into still linking to the proper stories…

Then I finally looked up and said, why bother?

Maybe it IS finally time I move over to Blogger, and have all these things taken care of for me. I registered years ago, I just never used it, but maybe its time I finally do.

I really hate to give up the freedom I have here, but maybe it’s time.

But then I have all you guys to consider. Will you all follow me to my new digs? Will you take the time to update all your links to reflect my new site? Should we sleep together on the first date? Will you all still respect me in the morning?

I think I’ve almost made up my mind, but I'm not quite there yet.
So what do ya’ll think? Pack it in here and head out west, or circle the wagons and stand my ground?