Friday, May 30, 2008

Feeling Lost

Well, the season 4 finale of the best damn show on television, Lost, aired here in the States last night.

This show just gets better and better. It seems that now that they have been given a definite cut-off date (2 more seasons) by ABC, each episode moves the story forward nicely, and answers questions at a ridiculous pace (while always managing a way to find new ones!)

Last night’s finale, while good, did not have the WOW factor of last year’s finale, but it still managed to kick a fair amount of ass. This season has, hands down, been the best ever. With now only 34 episodes left, I still can’t fathom how they are going to have all our questions answered in time for Lost's final bell to toll.

So, if you didn’t watch it last night, let's see what you missed: (in case that wasn’t enough of a warning for some of ya… HERE COME THE SPOILERS!!!).

- Jin and Michael were blown to bits, along with another handful of the other always-in-the-background Losties.

- The freighter, along with the Helicopter, was destroyed.

- Ben was finally able to move the island, but in doing so, was forced to leave and supposedly, can never return.

- The Oceanic 6 (Kate, Jack, Hurley, Sun, Sayid, and Aaron) were finally rescued, and agreed to a plan to lie to the world at large as to where they have been for the past 100 days, in order to protect those left behind on the island.

- Desmond, finally reunited with Penny, was rescued.

- Meanwhile, 3 years in the future, Jack starts to recruit the Oceanic 6 in an attempt to somehow return to the island.

- Sun, who apparently blames Locke, Jack, or God knows who else, for the death of Jin, makes a move to ally herself with James Widmore.

- And in the final BIG reveal of the night, we FINALLY learned who was in the coffin from last year’s finale…. None other than JOHN LOCKE!

Now I’ve got TONS of questions whirring in my head, that will haunt me for the next 9 months until Lost returns with season 5 next year.

Lost is, without question, the best show on network TV.

If you aren’t watching it, you are, in scientific terms, a doody brain.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Childhood Ambitions

Ever since I was a young whipper-snapper, I had always wanted to be an artist.

Those thoughts were pretty quickly dashed at an early age, however, by my mother, who told me I was better off becoming a doctor or a lawyer.

I still have my 2nd grade essay titled "What I want to be when I Grow Up", which, in it's entirety reads:

"I want to be an artist when I grow up, but my mother says that I'll always be broke so I should get a real job and have the art to fall back on."

I was 7!!! What 7 year old talks like that?

Anyway, being a frequent reader of the always enjoyable Sailor Clover's site, after bouts of perusing her awesome artwork, I inevitably get a pang of jealousy and remorse that the hobby that I used to love when I was younger never materialized into something more for me.

Damn, I wish I could draw like her! I would then be able to fulfill my fanboy dream of being a comic-book artist!

Anyway, Last night I was going thru an old box with some ancient paperwork that I had found hidden way back in the closet, and I came across one of my old pictures that I had drawn by pencil, eons ago.

I know I still have TONS of these buried up in my mom's attic, but I didn't realize that I had any of them here with me.

Anyway I figured, I bought that damn scanner 3 months ago... might as well put it to good use and share it with ya'll.

The scanner doesn't pick up pencil too well, so it came out a little hard to see, but you get the point. The picture is of the classic "Fearful Symmetry" storyline from Spiderman back in the 90's, when he had his final fight with Kraven the Hunter. I say it's "Classic", but only if you grew up on comic books... if not, then replace "classic" with "geeky".

Most of these that I did, after sketching, I would then Ink them, and sometimes even do the coloring. But for some reason, on this one, after the penciling, I never touched it again.

I also found some sketches I did of a bunch of old college girlfriends, but I don't think I'm quite drunk enough yet to share those with ya.

Some of 'em show boobies! Yuck!

Monday, May 26, 2008

Throw Me The Idol, I'll Give You The Review

Well, I was sitting at work on Friday, and wasn't being too productive since most of the company was out for the day giving themselves an extra-long Memorial Day weekend, and I was just scouring the web reading "Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull" reviews.

As I mentioned a few weeks ago before the Summer movie season started, I am an Indiana Jones FREAK! Raiders of the Lost Ark is without question my favorite movie of all time (narrowly beating out Godfather II), and since I was a kid, I have been obsessed with all things Indiana Jones.

It's been NINETEEN damn years since the last movie, so I have been super-stoked for this one.

So, while sitting at work, I mentioned to one of my only co-workers who was in the office, how we should just play hooky and go see a morning viewing of Indy 4. Much to my surprise, he took me up on it, so the little devil whispering to me all morning got his way, and we snuck out of the office to see the 10:30 AM showing.

Overall, my first reaction to this film is ..... "disappointing".

Mind you, I had my warning lights up loooong before going into seeing Indy 4. The film had an almost legendary amount of scripts written for it, each with either Steven Spielberg, George Lucas, or Harrison Ford vetoing it, before the next one got written.

Then a few years back, there was talk of an outstanding script that Frank Darabont had written that Spielberg and Ford LOVED, but Lucas vetoed.

George Lucas, the man who has forgotten how to make a good movie. The man who subjected us to the last 3 Star Wars fiascos. I have no doubt that the Frank Darabont Script is the one that this movie SHOULD have been. What's worse, the rumor has been that Indy 4's script is mostly just a mish-mash of parts of all the other scripts, and now after seeing it, I can definitely see that parts of the other stories I had heard thrown about were mixed in Crystal Skull.

It's not all bad, however. It was truly great to see Karen Allen back as Marion Ravenwood, although I thought that she was overacting a little too much. Shia LaBeouf was pretty solid as Indy's new sidekick.

And of course, it was great to see Harrison Ford back as Indiana Jones, although I have to say that this SHOULD be his last Indy movie.... his age really showed through in this film.

I think what bothered me most about Indy 4, was the main storyline itself. I won't spoil it for those of you who haven't seen it yet, but I will just say this: Indiana Jones should NOT have gone there. The theme of this movie just does not "suit" Indiana Jones, and it made the final scene almost painful to watch.

Before the last 15 minutes, I was going to put this film slightly above "Last Crusade", which I have always said is the weakest of the previous 3 films, but now, I'm not so sure. Another viewing may be in order to solidify my final standings, but I'm pretty sure that when the dust settles, "Crystal Skull" will be my least favorite Indiana Jones movie.

Which is a shame.... after waiting 19 years, we deserved better.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

That's Not How You're Supposed To Use It

Anyone who knows me, knows that besides being devilishly handsome, independently wealthy, great in bed, and hung like a horse, I am also a big techno-geek.

That is to say, that if I hear about the latest electronic doo-dad, and it sounds cool, the thought of owning it grows and festers in my mind like a weed, until I finally snap and pay whatever price I can just to be the first to own it.

It’s a sickness, I know, but I have long since come to terms with my affliction. Instead of trying to fight it futilely, I now just give in to the orgasmic rush that comes over me and just buy whatever the hell the object is, just so I can stop obsessing on it.

I bought one of the first DVD players that ever rolled off the assembly line. When I bought my Tivo over 10 years ago, they weren’t even being sold to the public yet.

From the Ipod, to the Wii, to an embarrassing list of other techno-toys that I bought months or years before anyone else, my affliction clearly knows no bounds.

So, this month I decided to just accept my fate and get the Wii Fit board as soon as the damn thing hit the stores, which was yesterday morning.

In anticipation, I tried all weekend to find a store that would let me reserve it, but literally EVERY store I went to would no longer take pre-orders because of the high demand.

So, while telling myself I was doing it “for my son”, instead of going to work yesterday, I went to Best Buy to stand in front of the store for an hour or 2 until they opened. When I called the day before, they had said they would only have a small number in stock, and I was determined to get one of them.

By the time the store opened, the line was around the block with uber-dorks waiting to try their luck at grabbing one.

Fortunately for me, I can run much faster than the average nerd… behold!

For what it’s worth, the Wii Fit is a blast, and you really CAN get a good workout from it. Last night I did all the beginning yoga and strength training exercises, and the board pretty much kicked my ass.

Plus, it has some aerobic games, like Dance Revolution and virtual skiing, that my son was finding quite fun…..

…. maybe a little bit TOO fun, however.

While I was in the shower this morning, I heard my son wake up, paddle downstairs, and turn on the TV. I heard him turning on the Wii, and start up a round of high-jump skiing.

Imagine my surprise when I came downstairs for breakfast and spied THIS scene:

He seemed unable to explain to me WHY he decided to ski naked. Or perhaps I, refusing to push that hard, really wanted to know the answer.

All I know is I cannot wait until everyone goes to bed tonight, to try my hand at some naked virtual Hula-Hooping.

Anyone want me to take pictures?

Unfunny Edit: Apparently my son's bare butt isn't as funny to Friz as it is to me, so for sake of his future modesty I made a slight edit. That just reduced the "funny" by half. Damn.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

The (Third) Time I Almost Got Kicked Out Of School

Yeah, yeah… I know what you’re thinking…

How many more of these stories can there be?

Well, unless I am mentally repressing any memories of further misadventures, I DO believe that this story will complete my trilogy.

It was all because I had that damn window seat in Biology class…..

My seat was, as stated, next to the window. This was a highly coveted seat in the classroom, because not only did I have the window to longingly look thru when the class became especially boring, but under the window was a ledge that I could rest my arm on.

The ledge however, was not really a ledge, but one of the many air conditioning/ fan grates located throughout the room. The subtle electric hum emanating from this grate, and the cool air that would blow up from it throughout the class, were the only things that kept me calm during days when I was so damn bored I wanted to jump out the window.

As the summer drew closer, the room would sometimes get unbearably hot, and I would often put my face over the grate and relieve myself (that sounds like I peed on it) by feeling the cold breeze hit my face.

It was during one of these face-over-the-grate sessions that I happened to look down, inside the grating, so get a decent look at the machinery that was sending all that air up into my beautifully sexy face. It kind of looked like a big iron wheel… kind of like a big hamster wheel, spinning really fast.

Whenever I looked at it, it kind of reminded me of a big bicycle wheel. It made me think of my OWN bicycle, and the familiar noise my bike wheel made when strumming against the baseball cards I had inserted near the spokes.

I often imagined what noise THESE spokes would make, if I would be able to get a baseball card that far thru the grating.

Now, I wish at this point I would have been smart enough to let the thought go, but as you may have guessed from some of my other posts, I was a bit of a class clown, and I would really get off on making people laugh in class.

What better way to get a chuckle from my peers, I thought, than to try to get something into the grate that would make a soft little thumping sound like the baseball cards on my bike wheel?

So, when the teachers back was turned, I tried to push a folded piece of paper thru the slats of the grating, but the spinning mechanism was too far down for me to reach.

Clearly, I needed to use something better than a folded up piece of paper.

Well, as luck would have it, we were smack in the middle of doing grasshopper dissections that week, and I had in my possession a long metal knife, about the size of a butter knife.

“Hey, this will be perfect!”, I thought.

So again, while the teachers back is turned, I stealthily tried to push the knife in between the slats of the grate, but the damn knife was too thick.

So, like the genius that I am, when I had my chance, I stood up, and pushed down hard on the knife, putting all my weight on the damn thing in an effort to push it thru.

It finally went thru, all right.

The damn knife got past whatever obstruction was holding it back, and sailed right into the guts of the machinery.

Apparently, metal is less flimsy than a baseball card, because once the knife got between the spokes, the entire machinery locked up violently.


The first thing I heard was a loud BANG that literally shook the floor of the classroom.

Then, because I had forced the wheel to suddenly stop turning all together, the vortex of dust and dirt that was spinning in its center like a centrifuge suddenly shot up thru the grating, and into the air. All over the classroom, through every grate, puffs of black smoke shot high up into the air.

Some of the girls screamed. The teacher screamed. I think I screamed.

The teacher looked panic-stricken…

… until she turned her face to me.

Then her look of fear changed into that of blind rage.

“Andrew! What did you just do?”

“N-n-n-nothing.”, I stammered.

The entire class started laughing just then… I mean hysterically laughing, and I had no idea why.

That is, until I saw my reflection in the window.

My face was covered, from ear to ear, in black soot. I looked like Al Jolson about to get up on stage and sing “Mammy”.

Looking like that, there really isn’t too much I could say in terms of any kind of defense.

So, back to the principal’s office I went, where another call to my father took place.

I can still remember hearing his voice through the phone when he was speaking with the principal…

“Wait… He just did fucking WHAT to fucking WHO?”

All I can say is, whatever Hell my son has coming for me when he gets to school-age, I’m pretty sure I deserve it.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

She Must Really Be Into Food Prices

Yeah, I know that this has been screaming its way all over the internet this week, but who cares? I think its funny, and I wanted to watch it again, so now I'm forcing you all to watch it with me.

Sue Simmons has been a local news anchor here in New York for.... well forever. I can remember her doing the news when I was a kid, for God's sake!

Anyway, earlier this week, during one of the teasers for the 11:00 news, during the 10:30 commercial break, Sue suddenly decided to start cursing at someone, and dropped the "F" bomb.

I have watched this about 10 gazillion times this week. I just think it's the bees knees. Maybe it's just because Sue Simmons has been such a fixture of journalism here in NY for so long, with nary a controversy ever swirl around her, or maybe its just because I LOVE it when news people fuck up, but this has kept me chuckling every single time I've watched it.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Best Husband Ever!

Ok, now I need to set the record straight.

In my last post, I bitched about how you chickitas get all mad and righteous about some things, but refuse to tell your man exactly WHY you're so pissed until DAYS later, at which point I could no longer give 2 figs why you were mad in the first place.

Since I seem to have the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants as the bulk of my blog readership, I was, in short order, treated to all manner of reasons why, to YOU all, this behavior seems perfectly damn normal.

Plus I got the obligatory smart-assed/more-than-slightly-man-crushed response from Earl, but that's a given (and besides the point for this discussion).

But then I got to the comments by the sexy and so-obviously-hot-for-me-its-not-funny Artful Kisser, who suggested that perhaps Friz's reasons for being the Ice Queen the other day might have been caused by my forgetting of a certain holiday that occurred this past weekend.

How dare you, woman!

No, I did NOT forget Mother's day, in fact I DO believe I went above and beyond this year.

Friz has been wanting to do some major house improvements lately. There are a TON of things we need to do to this house, but one of the things that really irks her is that, even though our rooms on the first floor are pretty large (kitchen, dining room, living room, etc), the people who built the house put in these ridiculously small archways between the rooms, and it pretty much looked ridiculous. She has been dieing to "open up" these rooms for awhile now.

So, what did I, little bugger that I am, do?

I had work begun to make all the changes she wanted. The workers worked all last week, and just finished up today.

This entranceway, from our dining room to our kitchen, used to be a small archway. I had the walls taken down, had the columns put up with the crown molding, and had it all repainted.

Likewise, I had the small archway between our Kitchen and Den blown out to what you see above.
She had wanted this done for ages, and it came out exactly as she had hoped.
Isn't this much better than some shitty flowers?
Ladies, am I not the perfect man?
Sexy, suave, considerate, and devastatingly handsome (not to mention a tiger in the sack)?
Oh yeah, and "modest". I always forget modest.

Monday, May 12, 2008


Ladies, here’s an idea that will undoubtedly make home life with your significant other a much happier place.

Forget Oprah.

Forget “The Secret”.

I’ve got your ticket to a happy relationship right here. And I’ll give it to ya’ll for free.


If I happen to see that you are OBVIOUSLY pissed off about something, and I, wanting to be a loving sort of dude, ask you ..

“What’s wrong?”

… and you answer me with a flat, “Nothing.”….

… Then just accept the fact that I am not going to ask you “What’s wrong?” again and again until you decide that it might finally be a good time to tell me what the fucking problem is.

No, apparently it’s much more healthy to just fume about it for 2 days.

Then, after I have completely forgotten about it, I’ll inevitably get invited to partake in the dialogue that always starts with…

“Do you want to know why I was so pissed off the other day?”

Honestly? 2 days later?

No, I really fucking don’t.

Guy’s just don’t act like this. We really don’t. It’s stupid, and as we all know guys are perfect and never do stupid stuff.

It’s ALMOST enough to make me go gay….

That is, if I didn’t have to deal with the whole “butt” thing.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

A Bullet With Your Name On It

What does it mean when I have a whole lot of minor stuff to tell you all, but want to get it all told in just 1 single post?

I’ll tell ya what It means…..


- Tomorrow at 4:00pm I need to call in to see if I have jury duty next week. Normally, the thought of sitting in that damn jury room all week would be filling me with dread, but my work-life has been really sucky lately, so I think a week of handing out a beat-down to some drug-runner or murderer might just be what the doctor ordered.

I’ve never sat on a jury. I have been CALLED to jury duty 2 other times in my life, and managed to get out of having to serve both times. The first time, I sat in the jury room for a week while the lawyers interviewed people in groups of 10. I was in the last group and before they got to me they had picked their jury. The second time, I needed to get back to work so I made up a sob story that I had to go home to take care of an invalid family member, so the lawyers took pity on me and let me go.

But I’m guilt-free on the work front this time around. In fact, I think I need a little vacation, and driving out to the eastern end of Long Island each day in the convertible sounds a whole HELL of a lot more fun than working right now, so I’ll take it.

Watch, I WON'T get called now.

- Speaking of the convertible, yesterday was almost 80 degrees here, so I hit the automatic top and cruised home in topless glee. When I got home, I pressed the “up” button, and, maybe it was just me, but I could have sworn that it took much longer than normal for the top to come back up.

Mark my words, if this top isn’t properly fixed yet, and I have to bring a car with 5,000 miles on it back to the shop for the SIXTH FUCKING TIME, you will all hear my primal scream of rage from wherever on the globe you might be.

-For anyone who uses RSS but has not subscribed to me yet because of all the trouble I was having with it, let me officially announce that RSS IS FINALLY WORKING! That’s right! Free at last! Free at last! Thanks to everyone who stuck with it giving me good suggestions, and helping me test. If anyone sees any problems, let me know, but I think I have finally done what all the uber-nerds on the geek forums said couldn’t be done… namely put an RSS feed up on a home-made Frontpage website.

I am king of the techno-geeks! All fear me!

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

The Ballad Of Brown Kyle

My son is really starting to notice how different people can be.

This is both good..... and bad.

A while back, we were sitting around eating dinner, and I asked him how his day at nursery school went.

“It was fun. I played on the slide today”
“That’s nice. Who did you play with?”
“Kira, Max…. oh yeah, and Brown Kyle”

I pretty much projectile launched the food in my mouth across the room.

“What did you call him?”, I asked.
“Max… he’s my friend”
“No, the other one…”
“Oh, you mean Brown Kyle!”
“Joey! You CANNOT call someone that!”
“Why? It’s his name”
“HIS NAME IS NOT BROWN KYLE! That’s not very nice. From now on, you need to just call him Kyle.”
“But that’s not his name. If I call him Kyle, everyone is going to think I mean the white one”
“White one?”
“Yeah, there used to only be one 'Kyle' in our class, but then another Kyle started school, and we started all getting confused, so we started calling the new Kyle ‘Brown Kyle’ because he’s really dark”
“Some people call the first Kyle ‘White Kyle’, but I like it the other way.”

As this conversation went on, I got more and more freaked out. I started getting nightmare visions of getting a call from the principal asking me why I was raising a junior member of the White Supremacists.

Well, we got it all straightened out in the end. I explained to him that it’s not nice to call people different names based on their skin color, and I’m pretty sure he got it. He seemed to honestly feel bad that he was doing something wrong.

And he’s not, really. For him, there was no prejudice involved. He’s just saying what he sees.
But as I went to bed that night, I imagined what his classroom could have slowly turned into if all the kids had continued rationalizing differences between themselves in this vein….

“Hey everybody, here comes Brown Kyle!”
“Hi Brown Kyle! Where have you been?”
“Oh, I was just hanging out with Chink George. He’s so funny!”
“Hey, did you get invited to Spic Mike’s birthday party?”
“Yup. I hear he invited everyone except Sally the Jew”

And on and on and on….

Anyway, I thought we had the issue licked….

…. until we went to the bank last week.

While I was doing my business there (that sounds like I pooped on the floor or something. I’m pretty sure I didn’t), one of the other tellers, a nice older African American woman, was joking around with him.

As we were leaving, my son turned around, and yells across the bank for all to hear…

“Bye Bye, Brown lady!”

This is going to be harder than I thought…..

Sunday, May 04, 2008

I Am Iron Man

Well, the Summer Blockbuster movie scene officially kicked off this weekend with the release of Iron Man.

Since I am a huge comic book nerd from when I was a kid, Iron Man was definitely going to be a movie I wanted to check out.

Since there was NO WAY Friz would ever commit herself to going out to see a film about a guy who flies around in a suit of armor, I knew this was clearly going to be another movie I would have to see on my own.

Which is fine by me. I know I've said this before, but I have NO problem going to see a movie by myself. I've never understood the hang-ups people have about not wanting to be caught dead going to a film solo. I guess I've never cared enough what people think about me, but I'd say about 90% of the movies I get to see are ones that I do so all by my lonesome.

Anyway, about Iron Man. I was expecting this movie to suck. I mean really, I had ZERO expectations on this one, especially since Marvel, with only a few exceptions, usually takes a cool comic-book hero and produces a pretty craptacular movie.

But I must say, I was pleasantly surprised. This movie is pretty good, and a hell of a lot of fun.

Robert Downey Jr. is PERFECT for the role of Tony Stark, the playboy millionaire weapons-maker who ends up becoming a walking arsenal. The story was fairly close to the comic, the writing was surprisingly smart, and even after 2 hours it left me wanting to see the inevitable sequel as quickly as possible.

Hmm, since it worked out so well for Iron Man, maybe I should really try to lower my standards for the rest of the Summer movies on my Must-See list....

Incredible Hulk - Anyone who has seen my blogger avatar can probably guess that the Hulk is my favorite comic book character ever. And the first movie sucked so badly, I feared that we would never see another. Plus, Ed Norton rocks! I'm keeping my fingers crossed

The Dark Knight - Damn this one looks good, although every time I see that kick-ass trailer, my heart hurts a little for the unfortunate passing of Heath Ledger. Hopefully this last movie will do him (and Batman) justice.

The Happening - I pretty much love anything M. Night Shamalama-ding-dong does (except that god-awful Lady In The Water), and this movie, which deals with a creepy occurrence bringing about the end of the world, just looks too good. Hopefully, after Lady, M. Night will be back on track with this one.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull - Ah, the granddaddy of them all. If any movie character defined a 14 year old Slyde growing up in the 80's, it would without question be Indiana Jones. Raiders of the Lost Ark was the first movie that completely blew me away as a kid, and it has never lost that charm for me. When I was a young teen, I wanted to "BE" Indiana Jones. Really. I bought the Stetson Hat. I even bought a bullwhip that I would practice hitting cans with in my basement for hours, until I became surprisingly good at it (much to my mother's horror....but that's another story). I hungrily looked forward to the 2 sequels that followed Raiders, and after almost 20 years now, I never thought that there would be another. Much to my glee, Steven Spielberg is proving me wrong, this month. I cannot wait.

So, what movies are you all waiting for?