Wednesday, April 09, 2008

The (First) Time I Almost Got Kicked Out Of High School

I wasn’t the “best” student back in high school.

Real shocker, I know.

The thing was, I was incredibly shy and insecure, and tended to be act like a wise-ass class clown to get people to like me. Sometimes, when cracking-wise failed, I would try come up with OTHER ways that I could become an “important” kid in school.

This is the story of one of those ways that didn’t work out so well…

My buddies and I used to hang out in this local candy store not far from school, mostly just talking about girls and killing time.

One day, I noticed that the store sold “joke items”. You know, stuff like fake money, itching cream and whoopee cushions. Fun, Fun!

Then I saw that they were selling “Sneezing Powder”! For 25 cents a packet! So, because I was trying to make people laugh, I plunked down my 2 bits, bought a packet, and proceeded to breathe the white powder into my nose.

I then proceeded to sneeze my brains out for the next 15 minutes. The group of misfits I was with got a good laugh at that.

After I was finally able to compose myself, someone said, “Man, I can’t believe these things are only 25 cents! I’d pay much more for THAT funny shit!”.


That was pretty much all I needed to hear. I spent the last 2 dollars I had on more Sneezing Powder.

The next day, while outside in Gym class, I gathered about 2 dozen kids around me, broke open a packet, snorted it, and proceeded to again sneeze myself silly. I was a big hit with the crowd.

Afterwards, one pimply-faced classmate said, “Wow, that’s pretty cool shit. You have any more?”

“As a matter of fact, I do!”.

“How much?”

“$1 a pack”.

I sold out in 10 minutes.

After school, I went to the candy store and spent my new stash of money on more sneezing powder. I also informed the store owner that if he didn’t have any more in the back room, then he’d probably better order some more right fucking quick.

By the end of the week, I was the premier sneezing powder dealer at Valley Stream North High School. Each morning I brought as much “product” to school as I could carry without my parents noticing, and I would sell out by noon. During Lunch hour, I would run out to buy more, and I would again sell out before the 3:00 bell. Then I’d run back to the candy store to buy more inventory for the next day.

By the end of the next week, I had more money than I knew what to do with. You couldn’t walk down the hall without seeing kids sneezing themselves brainless, snorting little lines of white powder in the hallway.

I had become the number one supplier of sneezing powder on the East Coast!

Now, one might have thought that, being the smart young entrepreneur that I was, that I might have thought that kids snorting white powder all over school was going to come back to me, but surprisingly, it never dawned on me.

At any rate, eventually some teacher saw one of his kids snorting a line of white powder in his homeroom, and after almost shitting his pants, dragged the kid down to the principal, where he was grilled until he finally gave me up.

I really didn’t have any clue that I was being called down to the principal’s office for anything more than my normal smartass-edry that day, but I started to get a might suspicious when I opened the principal's office door AND WAS THROWN TO THE GROUND BY 5 D.E.A. OFFICERS IN KEVLAR SUITS.

The 2 drug sniffing dogs they had brought with them barked a lot, too.

Yeah, that was pretty much the call-home-from-school that I honestly thought was going to end up with me being murdered.

But, after a lot of verbal tap-dancing, not to mention giving up the candy store who sold it to me (Hey, I was an idiot, I’ll admit, but I was also just a stupid kid; that schmuck should have known something was up when a 14 year old walks into his store each day and buys 40 bucks worth of sneezing powder), I was eventually let off with a warning. The principal wasn’t happy about it, but in the end, my father’s argument that I was NOT in fact selling anything illegal ended up keeping me in school.

At least THIS time. This was unfortunately NOT my last brush with the school administration.
If I could only find a way to channel this eagerness into something besides playing World Of Warcraft for 10 hours straight, I really think I could be rich by now.

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