Thursday, April 03, 2008

A Fine Morning

I never said that I’m quite “at the top of my game” when I first wake up in the morning….

Ok, so this morning I wake up after another shitty night’s sleep (thanks to my back still hurting like the Devil), and I stumbled out into the upstairs hallway.

Friz doesn’t like our cat to be upstairs with us during the night, so she puts up our old baby fence each night at the top of the stairs to keep him down below.

And because I’m the sucker of the house that has to wake up earlier than everybody else, every damn morning I must attempt to successfully rappel over this 3 foot barricade and make it over the other side, onto the staircase, without braking my damn neck (and while not making any noise… Heaven forbid!).

Did I mention that I have to do this a minute after I wake up?

Here’s another piece of this already overly-complicated scenario: My cat, which is usually starving by this time each morning, runs up the stairs as soon as he hears me wake up, and begins to pace back and forth on the top stair on the other side of the fence, MEOW-ing like a loon for me to hurry up and come downstairs to feed him.

Every damn morning, I attempt to perform this gymnastic routine as quickly as possible, in an effort to shut the damn rodent up as quickly as possible so as not to wake anyone up.

So, as I am climbing over the fence this fine morning, the cat is acting extrara rambunctious, running back and forth on the top step, right where I am trying to put my foot down.

While attempting to avoid crushing the little bugger, I slip and almost tumble down the stairs.

Well, that pissed me off rightiously so, in a fit of anger I threw my sweatpants at the offending cat (Yes, I said sweatpants. Some nights I sleep in boxers, but most nights I sleep naked. Raaawwwr, ladies!).

And because I was still half-blind with sleep, my aim was far from true. My makeshift missiles sailed over the cat’s head and thudded against my wall mounted fire alarm.

One second later, the calm quiet of the house explodes with:

“WEEEEE OOOOO! WEEEEEE OOOOO! FIRE! FIRE! GET OUT OF THE HOUSE IMMEDIATELY! FIRE! FIRE! WEEEEE OOOOOOO! WEEEEEEE OOOOO!”

So now in a panic, I try to use my sweatshirt as a bullwhip, as I spend the next 30 seconds trying to flick it up in the air just right so I can hit the fucking off button.

Then the phone rings.

I had completely forgotten that our fire alarm is tied in directly to our Central Station. They were calling to warn us about the fire (as if my eardrums weren’t already blown out hearing the news).

After racing down the hall to the phone, the cheery stationmaster informs me that there is in fact a fire blazing away in my house.

“No, it’s a false alarm”, I tell the chick. “Sorry, I accidentally hit the alarm with my sweatpants”.

Did I really just tell her that? I am a jackass.

“Ok sir, then just tell us the password and we will cancel the request for fire department assistance”.

Password? That’s right, we have a password!

What the FUCK is our password???

I couldn’t even hear myself think over the incessant roar of the alarm.

“Sir, if you don’t know your password, I am going to have to instruct the fire department to come to your location”.

Then, for some reason, the password came to me.

It’s the name of OUR FUCKING CAT!

After hanging up the phone, I fell back into a kitchen chair, sweating profusely; unable to believe what the Hell just happened.

Then I looked up to see Friz standing over me, quite pissed off. She muttered one friendly word of encouragement to me before she shambled back to bed.

“Asshole….”

Did I mention I was still naked?

I had now been awake for a total of 3 minutes…….

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